Lu's Mini-Confessional Blog

Well folks, today marked a new beginning in my collegiate life. Granted, it won't be official until Monday night when I go to my Forms of Poetry class @ 4:00 'til 6:30 PM. But as of now, I've gone to four of my five classes (Forms of Poetry being the fifth class) really have no complaints about any of my classes. Though it's tough to have complaints about classes during the first week, because for the most part the first week is an introductory period. If there's any class I should be worried about it's my Ethnicity and Nationalism class because of its heavy grading based on quizzes, tests and attendance. My Media in Society class is like that as well, and I didn't fare to well the first time I took MCMA 201 my freshman year, but I was a different person then. Now, I feel as if I'm ready for that class. Same for my Psycology 102 class, I think I'm ready for that type of class, and I have friends that excel in those classes and in that field, so I have good help around me. As for my Journalism 310 class, I love it. I have an ability to write, that's undeniable. However, my writing is comparable to a raw talent stewing in the minor leagues, in need of some fine tuning to maximize potential.

As I sit here tonight I've taken the first step to a successful semester, by setting aside an hour to go over the day's assignments. I know, an hour doesn't seem like much, but all I needed to do was read a chapter for each class I have tomorrow, so I'm pretty well off there. But for the first time since my freshman year I did what I set out to do. I set aside time to do school work with no distractions. I was away from my cellphone (which was silenced), my computer, Super Nintendo and anything else that would randomly distract me in my room. I sat in the area with the best lighting (that would be the living room) with the TV off and the radio off as well and I sat down on the couch and methodically read my assignments page by page. It was quite refreshing to be honest. I hope to carry this on for the rest of the semester. I know I can do it, because I've done it before.

Here's where the "confessional" part comes in. I'll admit that for the last year-and-a-half, if not two years, I've been distracted. I've been doing all the wrong things, and that is what has put me in this hole I currently find myself. And I'm talking the academic hole, as well as the social hole. I let my personal life affect my school life, something I've never let happen before and that really set me back mentally. It made me doubt my abilities, my purpose in life, all of that was in question. Never in my life had I questioned my decisions because even if they didn't work out I had a mentality in which I either A) Shook it off and told myself "Hey, at least I tried" or B) That was my own decision, I'll live with the repercussions of my decisions. Not so much the last two years. I've questioned myself, my friends, my intentions...everything. And for what....a lot of added stress that sent me nowhere, fast. So now I'm back to square one, or as close as I can get, to square one as I possibly can being this far into the game. I started off strong here at SIU and my job is to finish strong.

And to close this blog, I'll be honest with you. I see distractions forthcoming in the future. Why? Because they always find their way to you. In life, there is no smooth road. There is no easy path. Nothing is easy. That's why I'm now taking the path of every day, grind it out and see what happens.

That's all for tonight. I hope you enjoyed tonight's version of Lu's Confessional. I hope to bring happier blogs in the near future!

Happy Friday (And By Happy I Mean UGH!)

"Next time the past knocks on your door, don't answer."

So yeah this is not how I wanted to spend my Friday. Drunk, yes. Angry, pissed and depressed, not so much.

And really I was in relatively high spirits until I signed on to MySpace this afternoon and got a message from my "ex." Most of you do not know the story of my "ex" so here's the cliff's notes version. My former roommate thought that it'd be a great confidence boost for Lu (who was fighting depression b/c of his car and his once best friend) to give Lu this internet girlfriend. So what happend to internet girlfriend? She faked her own death (dying at age 18 due to lung cancer) to get away from me sending me into a disasterous spiral that really concluded with a "press conference' where I proclaimed that I gave up on women and retired and .... well we all know how that ended up. I still am convinced that I missed out on my opportunity on perfection, but that's a different blog for a different time.....or is it? I think that things could have been different had I spoke my peace then. Okay lemme rephrase that, I like to think that things would have been different. She could have always said no, and then I'm back at square one all over again, but at least I'd have something that was definite. And it's been a year, it's been more than a year, and I should be over her. And there was a point where I was over her, there was, I moved on at one point, but when everything (and i mean everything) fell through is when I realized the kind of failure I was when it came to love. I am a failure. I'm 20, I should be out enjoying myself, but I'm not I'm dwelling on stupid shit from a year ago that was MY FUCKING MAKING because I didn't have the balls to tell her how I felt about her. Why? Because I'm a fucking idiot, that's why! And the funny thing is that she knows how I feel. Her boyfriend knows how I feel. Everyone on this planet could theoretically know how I feel about her and I could care less because for some gosh for saken reason I still love her and I don't know why. And I've tried to get over her. But between girls just not having an interest in Lu like that or girls just up and disappearing, Lu's love life is an absolute joke. It's a fucking punchline. FUCKING CLOWN SHOES!

With that said, I dont even know where I was going with that. All I know is that the reminder of the internet girlfriend fiasco set me off into a drinking binge that included 5 beers in a half hour (not a good idea for you youngsters at home.) Maybe I should just resign myself to the fate that I'll never be a number one choice. Not like I have any inspiration or motivation to because every girl would rather just be friends with Lu like dating Lu is the fucking plague! Maybe I'll never be "boyfriend material." Maybe I'm not meant to be happy, cuz everyone else can be happy, just not Lu. Maybe this is all sour grapes, seeing ALL of my roommates with girls (both current and former) even my rooomie that dropped out of school got a girl. And then there's Lu wallowing in the misery of "chokes" and something Lu likes calling "being cubbed."

I don't even know why I'm writing anymore. All I know is that I was set off by a reminder of my past failures. And yes, the quote that resides at the top of this post SHOULD be always remembred. But when the past breaks your fucking door down and slaps you in the face it's like a reality check!!

Flattered

It's been a while since I've posted on the original blog. Like I've said before, I'm looking to change things. After watching tonight's episode of my new favorite television show 'What About Brian?' I learned one thing: distractions can be a good thing. And after a discussion with a close friend yesterday evening, my favorite distraction is the Chicago Cubs. So most of my attention has been put into the "other" blog because of rampant rumors and all-things Cub-related that I must put my two cents in.

With that said, here's an interesting tidbit. I recently wrote an essay responding to the question "Why Write?" and presented it in a meeting with my english teacher. One of the reasons I presented was that because there are so many forums and outlets to write why wouldn't one write? I explained blogging and its rising popularity relating it to how it seems that everyone has a blog, and the fact of the matter is that anyone can make a blog with my evidence being teachers here @ SIU and even NBA owner Mark Cuban are blog owners. I also indicted myself as a proud blog owner. My teacher asked if I had left the URLs for my blogs, I hadn't but it seemed as if he was interested. Not in a stalker-ish type way, but an intrigued type way, especially how I described my blogs. It made me wonder about the things I've written here over the years. And personally I don't regret one thing I have written on this site. I have nothing to hide. I remember the initial reasoning behind this blog was to re-incarnate the old satyrical articles from my high school days. Which ended up flopping, turning my blog into something people who I didn't talk to while I was at school could keep in touch with me. As things hit rough spots, the blog turned into a place for me to vent, complain, whine, cry, and emotionally let it all out without necessarily troubling any of my friends. Then my friends started reading it, and still didn't bother me what I wrote, because I've meant every word I've said (even the drunk ones.)

And now the blog has taken a different turn recently with the addition of my revised poetry (which I swear I'll get more up, it's been hell since I've posted the first poem.) So what's next for the blog? Who knows. I have one more gut-wrenching, heart breaking blog that I've been holding in for a week or so. I have a few more poems that need to be revised, that's around the corner. It's cold and it's December and that means 'The Year In Review' blog is around the corner, and this year I've promised a new twist to TYIR. Finals week is next week, nothing better to do to kill time than to post my feelings during finals week. And I'm sure there will be suprises along the way!

But I must say, the fact that anyone would be interested in my life, cool!

My Announcement

Though it probably does not come as a suprise, I thought I might was well just put it out there.I'm coming back to Southern. Not just for next semester, but to finish my college experience.Not like it's breaking news, but I had to put it out there. The only reason I'm writing this is because I've been looking at schools since the end of first semester last year.

That's right, I've been looking for my own escape clause. DePaul, NIU, UIC and even some community colleges were on my list of transfer schools. But after some thinking and some conversations with advisors and such, I've come to the conclusion that I'm gonna stay at SIU and finish what I've started.Yes, it will take an extra semester, but it'll be worth it.

For the most part I'm happy here. I came here for a reason, actually a bunch of reasons. SIU has been the place I've wanted to be and will remain. Yes I get homesick. Yes I miss the peeps of the Chi. Yes sometimes SIU throws too much at me and I can't handle it. But this is what I'm here for, isn't it? I didn't wanna go through a whole new beginning, matching credits and all that crap either. But if I that wasn't an issue, I still wouldn't be leaving.I'm here for the long haul folks.

I think this only comes to a shock that I even thought about leaving. No one had any idea that I thought about leaving. Not my roommates, not my friends, not my family. No one, not even the blog!

Once again, thanks for your support and all that good stuff! It's gonna take a little more than a few rainy days to get me out of southern!

Is The Man Of Theories Back?

“If they lose tonight it will just go to show that the team is cursed, the ballpark is cursed, the whole culture is cursed.” –Jay Mariotti, October 15th 2003

So you're probably wondering where this came from. It's quite random come to think about it. If you're a baseball fan you might have an idea; if you're a Cubs fan those words strike you with some pretty bad memories. But now that I look at it almost 3 years later, I look at it in a different light. The words "the whole culture is cursed" spooks me still to this day. "The whole culture" is an idea that covers a whole lot of ground if you take some time and analyze the thought. "The whole culture..." It makes me think about things. Makes me think about where I've gone since then. Where I've been. Where I want to go. It's a quote like this that makes me reflect on the past, yet think about the future. Sometimes I think that the Billy Goat Curse is a spurious correlation.

• Note that according to wikipedia.com, a spurious correlation is "when a correlation between data exists because of a statistical fluke (rather than true causality.)"

So basically it's something that's like a tag-a-long kind of deal.

So what am I getting at. I once was (and one day would like to become again) a man of theories. I had thoughts, I had ideas and I had beliefs. I saw things coming and if I wanted/needed to avoid them, I did. And I did a good job at it. If I had a "hunch" and I went off of it, I was usually right. So now I have a thought, it's a broad thought but a thought nonetheless:

• If things shake down the way that I think they will (which if the past is any indication and if my "hunches" are any indication, they will fall in the manner in which I presume) I will have been proven correct again. I will have proven that I should have never had "faith in the system," for the system will have been proven to be non-existent. It will also enforce my belief that happy endings don't exsist. No such thing as a happy ending. It would just go to show that everything that I want to believe is just one big fraud. It would just prove that there is another force out there holding me back from what I want, something out of my control. In the best case for this bad scenario, the system will have been proven to have crucial flaws in it. In the end, it probably won't be a happy ending.

But what if this "theory" is wrong. Well first lest define theory. A theory is a "conjecture, an opinion, or a speculation. In this usage, a theory is not necessarily based on facts, in other words, it is not required to be consistent with true descriptions of reality. True descriptions of reality are more reflectively understood as statements that would be true independently of what people think about them." I got that from wikipedia.com too. Translation: a theory is a thought in that you speculate will be true because of what will most likely be an illogical idea or something like that. NOTE: DAMN ME FOR TRYING TO BE INTELLECTUAL AS I WRITE THIS AT 12:53 AM.

• So if my theory's wrong, maybe there is reason to hope. Maybe the little guy can triumph. Maybe the system does work. Maybe there is a system period. Maybe that idea of things coming full circle isn't a pipe dream. Maybe better days are coming.

Lots of maybe's, not necessarily what I'm looking for. So as I sit here pondering, thinking about my next steps. Wondering about the future. Trying to figure out what I need to do to step forward. Trying to figure out "does the system work," "how to fight 'fate'," "how to create a new 'destiny'." I sit here, alone thinking....

WHAT IF?

This Could Be One Of Those Epic Posts...

...but I won't let it be. I'll make this short and painless (though right now it's not painless at all.) After tonight I might have lost two of my closest friends. I'll spare the details in the interest of fairness, I just know that I've fucked up. Again. Unfortunately I've fucked up to the point of no return. I never envisioned it ending like this. In fact I never envisioned it ending. I guess all good things must come to an end. It's too bad though.

It's fitting that just now as I turned the channel to FSN that they showed "The Bartman Play" on the Top 50 Baseball Moments. That play symbolizes my life in a nutshell. It's a sad night.

From The Heart of the Heart Broken

WARNING: I'm pissed off and I'm drunk. Now, on with the show.

• So I watched the HBO special on the Cubs tonight. It turned into a great drinking game where I drank six beers in a 40 minute span. I wrote what the baseball part of me thought in my Cubs blog @ http://mydamncubbies.blogspot.com. But personally I can't let go. I was on the verge of tears when they talked about the 2003 team. When they played that Bartman footage, everything replayed in my head. Everything from that day. It's sad that I can retrace EVERY footstep of that day. I point to that day in specific as the day my life turned out for the worst. People say that losing their virginity is "their loss of innosence." For me, games 6 and 7 of the 2003 of the NLCS was worse than the worst experience I've ever had. That took my innocence. That took my childhood from me. That jilted me forever. I mean it kills me just thinking about what could have been. It makes me want to cry now that I'm just letting it all go on paper here. It's so hurtful. It's so painful.
• And only Cub fans really feel my pain, but no one SPECIFICALLY feels MY pain. Because I am the Cubs. The curse transfers over to me. And to think for years I pointed at a "cursed e-mail." Nope, it's just a branch effect of the Billy Goat. It explains my fear of Black Cats. It explains my quote in which I compared myself to the hated Tribune Corporation "I'm competitive until the price goes up." I am the Cubs. And I hate it. I hate myself. I truly do. I hate that I embody the Cubs. A cursed, choke artist who is a feel good story that you want to cheer for and you hope the best for but in the end you know what's going to happen. You know that somehow the Cubs are gonna blow it in the 9th. You know that 9 game lead will eventually diminish. You know the Cubs will trade some potential All-Star for a washed up ballplayer. You know that in the end the Cubs will not be the champion. Just like you know that Lu will eventually choke. You know will get to a point and then it will be all downhill from there. You know that Lu's competitive until someone with a bigger offer that isn't necessarily the best comes in and takes what Lu wants away from him. In the end Lu will choke. In the end the Cubs will choke. In the end Lu will be the loser. In the end the Cubs will be the loser. In the end, both of us will still be waiting for next year.

All I want is one chance. That's all I ever wanted. Yes I choked, yes I've failed and yes I live in misery. But I believe I've earned my one shot. Will I get it, ever? Who knows. To be honest, probably not. I'll be living with it hanging over my head for years upon years. Like Brock for Broglio, I'll be constantly reminded of my stupidity. Like 1969, 1984 and 2003 I will be constnatly reminded of how close I was but in the end still came up a little too short. Choke artist is something that I might never shake off. And that is a scary thought.

Good night from Carbondale, maybe I can sleep this off.