The Final Post Of This Semester

I'm not saying that this is the final post of the year, but this is probably the last post of the semester. And there usually is a big sigh of relief that comes with the end of the semester, but for me it's like I'd rather be hit in the face with a hammer and never come back to this place ever again. Yes, I'm committed to staying here, but at what cost? My happiness levels fluctuate daily (sometimes hourly), I put a lot of stress and pressure on myself to succeed (to no avail), and my personal life has done nothing but move in a negative direction since Valentine's Day 2005.

So where am I? What am I doing? I don't even know anymore. I know I feel like crap, and that's not just the stomach sickness that just hit me.

I believe (in fact, I'm sure) that most of my un-happiness is drawn from my social life, and sometimes lack of it. My failures and shortcomings in love have become well documented on this blog and it's kinda depressing to look back on the things I wrote and still not have moved on from certain events of the past. It's bothersome to think that someone like me still hasn't found somebody on a campus of 20,000 kids. And I'm not just feeding into my own ego, far from it. Everyone and their dog has had an opinion about how 'one day you'll find someone and they'll be perfect' or 'one day you'll make some girl really happy.' Between that and the almost inevitable 'let's just be friends' I'm mired in a slump....and really there's no explanation behind it. I'm honestly sick and tired of being on the outside looking in. And yes I've had my chances and admittedly I've blown them. And though I can easily point fingers, I'd rather not because pointing fingers is generally a cop out. Does Mariano Rivera bitch when the pitcher before him leaves runners in scoring postion that could win the game for the opposition. No, he doesn't. He takes the ball and fucking closes games out. I have been unable to "close games out" and that is the main contributor to my failure when it comes to girls.

And to be honest, this whole issue with girls has been going on all my life. You can start in grammar school, though really it shouldn't count. For me you can start in high school where every Valentine's Day since freshman year of HS has a depressing story of failure, rejection and depression. But really it didn't bog me down that much in high school because my grades still were good. Now my grades seem to be suffering like my personal life. Look at my last report card: A, B, D, D. That doesn't make any sense, now does it? My personal life and grades are going "Bi-Polar Betty," Jason Marquis style*. I can deal with a less than stellar social life if my grades are acceptable, but it seems like when it rains, it pours.

And then I can draw the comparisons from last year. I remember writing an earlier post in which I yearned for things to be like they were last year. I miss the old days. I miss the days where we could all get along and go out together and all that good stuff. And yes, things change, certain things have changed and it probably shouldn't have changed everyones friendships. But to be honest no one should be suprised, it's not like the writing wasn't on the wall. And the best thing is that everyone has a part to take when it comes to the blame game. Now will everyone, fess up to their end. Of course not. We're all youngsters who are prideful and sometimes egotistical. Personally, I'm not blind to my own insecurities and will take the blame (heck I give myself the most blame) just so others can get off scot-free. I digress, I'd love for the "old days" of just one year ago to be back. And sure I can point to you where it all began going down hill and point out where it hit rock bottom and such. But I won't. Why? Because we all know (individually) where it started to slip.

So what about next year? For Lu, it's back to the drawing board. A change of scenery is out of the question unless I completely bomb out in second semester. As for the grades, earlier this semester I put an effort to a recommittment to prioritizing. I came to SIU motivated, motivation that has since deteriorated. I need to find that motivation again, I don't know where it will be or where it will come from, but I'm sure it will re-emerge in some form. As for my personal life, like I said only a few sentences ago, I'd like to recommitt to prioritizing, though I acknowledge the difficult nature of that task. But I'm open to trying new things. Yes, the internet dating thing has now failed me twice. I can clearly point the finger at myself both times, though some would argue that I had less of a hand to play in the original, but at least in the most recent attempt I tried. It was my own doing, not a pass-me-down idea from someone else.

MY FINAL RANT ON LOVE IN 2006: The idea of true love is nice. That whole falling in love thing sounds great, far fetched, but great nonetheless. The idea of having someone who is your one and only someone/soul mate type person sounds great on paper. It also makes great Disney movies and great feature films and television shows while we're at it. However it's not as easy as the media makes it out to be. Generations have been taught that love happens naturally. People always say "that special someone will come" or that "it'll happen when the time is right" and of course "good things come to those who wait." Well I have news for you, those outlets are wrong. Nothing is guaranteed in life except death and taxes (and arguably the Cubs not winning the World Series) so the idea that someone special will come, instead should be changed to might come. What? I'm just being realistic. As for that whole timing issue, timing sucks. Especially for me, I'm horrible at playing that timing game. It's why I often reference having a time machine. I'm also really bad at taking "signs" also contributing to my failure with women. Oh and about that idea that "good things come to those who wait," I can easily disprove that. There are several girls that I waited for....and well technically you can say that I still wait. Instead that should be changed to "yeah good things MIGHT come to those that wait, but BETTER things come to those who go out and get them." For my final reference, I'll go back to last year when someone sat on their hands while they watched someone who had no business in that situation get what they want. Maybe it's time for me to take that approach. Hopefully, it's not too little too late.

Oh yeah and I must make a note that there is one more Year In Review segment, but that will be posted retroactively to Wednesday as soon as I put finishing touches on it.

*indicates a reference to the nickname given to former Cards, now Cubs starter Jason Marquis. Cards' fans dubbed Marquis "Bi-Polar Betty" because of his inconsistencies from start to start. That will fit in perfectly with this blog, and with Cubdom as well.

Happy Friday (And By Happy I Mean UGH!)

"Next time the past knocks on your door, don't answer."

So yeah this is not how I wanted to spend my Friday. Drunk, yes. Angry, pissed and depressed, not so much.

And really I was in relatively high spirits until I signed on to MySpace this afternoon and got a message from my "ex." Most of you do not know the story of my "ex" so here's the cliff's notes version. My former roommate thought that it'd be a great confidence boost for Lu (who was fighting depression b/c of his car and his once best friend) to give Lu this internet girlfriend. So what happend to internet girlfriend? She faked her own death (dying at age 18 due to lung cancer) to get away from me sending me into a disasterous spiral that really concluded with a "press conference' where I proclaimed that I gave up on women and retired and .... well we all know how that ended up. I still am convinced that I missed out on my opportunity on perfection, but that's a different blog for a different time.....or is it? I think that things could have been different had I spoke my peace then. Okay lemme rephrase that, I like to think that things would have been different. She could have always said no, and then I'm back at square one all over again, but at least I'd have something that was definite. And it's been a year, it's been more than a year, and I should be over her. And there was a point where I was over her, there was, I moved on at one point, but when everything (and i mean everything) fell through is when I realized the kind of failure I was when it came to love. I am a failure. I'm 20, I should be out enjoying myself, but I'm not I'm dwelling on stupid shit from a year ago that was MY FUCKING MAKING because I didn't have the balls to tell her how I felt about her. Why? Because I'm a fucking idiot, that's why! And the funny thing is that she knows how I feel. Her boyfriend knows how I feel. Everyone on this planet could theoretically know how I feel about her and I could care less because for some gosh for saken reason I still love her and I don't know why. And I've tried to get over her. But between girls just not having an interest in Lu like that or girls just up and disappearing, Lu's love life is an absolute joke. It's a fucking punchline. FUCKING CLOWN SHOES!

With that said, I dont even know where I was going with that. All I know is that the reminder of the internet girlfriend fiasco set me off into a drinking binge that included 5 beers in a half hour (not a good idea for you youngsters at home.) Maybe I should just resign myself to the fate that I'll never be a number one choice. Not like I have any inspiration or motivation to because every girl would rather just be friends with Lu like dating Lu is the fucking plague! Maybe I'll never be "boyfriend material." Maybe I'm not meant to be happy, cuz everyone else can be happy, just not Lu. Maybe this is all sour grapes, seeing ALL of my roommates with girls (both current and former) even my rooomie that dropped out of school got a girl. And then there's Lu wallowing in the misery of "chokes" and something Lu likes calling "being cubbed."

I don't even know why I'm writing anymore. All I know is that I was set off by a reminder of my past failures. And yes, the quote that resides at the top of this post SHOULD be always remembred. But when the past breaks your fucking door down and slaps you in the face it's like a reality check!!

Happy Friday Morning Blog!

• It's truly fallen apart the second half of this semester and I'm truly disappointed in myself because for most of the semester I felt as if I was doing an excellent job of keeping tabs on myself. For example, drinking on school nights has been completely cut out of the picture since September. However the last few weeks I've been drinking a lot of soda pop, I've been eating a lot of junk foods and have been eating late, which was my number one goal of things I wanted to stop doing. I'm just hoping to attest these recent bad habits to finals week anxiety. My two least favorite weeks as a college student are finals week and the week before finals week. My biggest fear is cumulative finals, in which I have two. I've only passed one cumulative final in my time here at SIU, and that is because we spent the last two weeks (3 times a week) studying and basically reviewing every possible question that could be on the test. My two cumulative finals are a crap shoot!
• I'm 20, but everyone that knows me can attest that I've aged quicker than someone my age should. My roommate Steven put it the best: you're stressed, balding, listening to Luther Vandross, reading poetry and looking in the classified ads. You know what that tells me? It tells me that Lu's having a mid-life crisis. And now that I had a moment to think about it, the only things I need are the young/hot/blonde girlfriend and the overly expensive, really fast convertable and I'd be well on my way to mid-life crisis at the ripe age of 20.
• As for my dating dilemma. I've received my first Christmas gift this season, tickets to March 14th's Justin Timberlake concert in Chicago. 2 tickets to be exact. My mother said that I need to find a date for that concert. Expecting Lu to get a date (a serious date, not a friend date as my mother so specifically put it) is like expecting the Cubs to hire a top rate manager and signing the top free agent in the class in one year, if ever....wait....damn those "Loveable Loser" references and comparisons to myself are dwindling by the day. If I'm the last of the "loveable losers" who's gonna be the Boston Red Sox to my Chicago Cubs.....Anyways back to the post....First of all let me say that yes I know I'm going to a Justin Timberlake concert. Don't let his boy band past fool you, he's the man. He's reverse Michael Jackson! Have you heard the CD? It's hit-after-hit-after-hit and the beat goes on the CD is amazing!!!! I'm a major Timberlake fan since he's gone solo. The first album was great too! I'm excited to go to this concert. I'm not excited however about my date prospects because as of now I have none. And it kind of depresses me, especially when looking at my recent dating history. Last time I went after a girl with no assistance and made progress to the point where I asked her to a b-ball game, she disappeared. Literally, an A-student did not show up to class after I asked her if she'd like to go to a basketball game. Sounds like Lu's luck doesn't it? Sounds like a curse doesn't it? So let's look back even more. The last date that Lu hooked himself up on was senior prom, and that turned out well. And by well I mean an absolute train wreck where Lu was used as an emotional pawn to get attention from other guys. I know what you're thinking "Lu's got great friends, let them set you up on a blind date." Though I'll admit the blind dates haven't been horrible, they haven't been successful. The last time I let a friend try to hook me up with a girl, it ended with a meaningless kiss, reminiscent of one of those prodigious 500 foot Sammy Sosa home runs that would happen in the 8th or 9th inning when the Cubs were already down by 10 billion runs! Oh and the time before that, it was a girl who used her sisters picture's and faked her own death to not meet me. Thanks, Kevin for sending me into that depression that lead to something smart people call spurrilous correlation, which in normal folk terms, is a bunch of events that may or may not occur because of a specific moment. I believe that was one of those "beginning of the end" moments for me, my confidence and a certain someone last year. Enough sour grapes, this looks like the impossible dream. But as The Game said in his song Dreams: "Anything is possible, if 50 f*cked Vivica."

QUOTE OF THE NIGHT: Referring to my last statement of anything being possible, I turn to my roommate Steve and one of my favorite Steve quotes is "Everything is possible, but everything is not probable." Smart words from a smart cookie (won't call him cracker!) Good night from Carbondale!

How The Mighty Have Fallen

I'm too young to be thinking like this, but here goes nothing.

The last two-plus years have been interesting to say the least. Seriously, they've been interesting. Freshman year here at Southern for the most part was exactly what I thought it would be. It was what I needed. A fresh start, some new friends and some new experiences that I would never have been able to have if I were to stay at home for school. I went into sophomore year with a lot of hype. Not necessarily hype, I don't think hype is a good word, expectations is a better word. I came into sophomore year with high hopes. Well, I was supposed to come in with high hopes. Then I had the week from hell that changed everything. Actually it was more like a 48 hour period from hell. It started with my car accident Friday afternoon after work. Then I got a letter in the mail from SIU saying that my fall registration was cancelled because someone *cough*father*cough* didn't hold up their end of the bargain and didn't tell anyone that he didn't hold up his end. Then the week after, one of my closest friends (who I had been mad at all week because they had stood me up for a breakfast date) had a near death experience. I spent most of the first few weeks of school worried about her, and stuck with classes I didn't want to be taking with crappy professors in a place where I didn't want to be. However the low point of first semester sophomore year isn't what everyone thinks. Close, but no cigar! The low point, ladies and gentleman, was the internet girlfriend fiasco. A good idea, actually who the hell am I crapping, a terrible idea that was supposed to "boost my confidence" totally backfired causing a nice little downward spiral of unhappiness and depression coupled with something some would like to call Lu being an alcoholic. It's probably the most embarassing thing that has ever happened to me, ever. Think about it, an internet girlfriend faking her death to break up with you. It makes you think about things. It makes you look at things in a different light. Well it makes ME think about things. It makes ME look at things in a different light. It's one of the reasons I am the way I am: bitter and cynical. And drinky, can't forget about drinky! Things didn't get much better as sophomore year rolled on. In fact they didn't change, they stayed the same. Even when given opportunities to change things I found a way not to pull through. I found a way to choke if you'd like to put it in that way. Oh and then there was this summer. To put it bluntly, if my summer was televised Bill Buckner would be telling himself "Damn, I thought I had it bad" and then he'd start laughing hysterically.

And then we get to this year. Another reason to be optimistic, another new start. Things were supposed to be different. Things were gonna get good, things were gonna be better. And really they haven't been. I find it difficult to string a week together where I'm completely happy. Friday, which is supposed to be my happy day, has been my day of depression for most of this semester. I feel unattached to anything, and really don't feel anything sometimes. For some it's easy to point out my problems and then fix them, because they're not me. And I know someone that will read this blog and tell me to stop complaining because all my problems are women related. My response to that, without going overboard, is that it's all mental. I don't want to get into that because that's not what this blog is about. This blog is about my lack of happiness. This blog is about how things have gotten progressively worse each year since I've been in Carbondale. I'm not meeting expectations, any one elses, let alone my own. I've been here almost three years and have not accomplished anything that I've wanted to personally or academically.

Maybe I am cursed. Maybe I'm not. Maybe I'm just not cut out for college. Maybe I'm not cut out for anything. The worst feeling I have beyond the loneliness, beyond the depression, beyond the thought/idea and not being loved is the emptiness that comes with not knowing why you're on this earth for.

And for the second consecutive year, I'm wishing for the old days. When we were all cool. When things were better. And when you think things can't get worse think the Bartman play, then the Gonzalez booted double play, and then think the ensuing eight run inning. Oh and then take game 7, add 98 years of failure and compress it into the mind of a fragile young mind and you have me at this point as I finish this blog @ 10:00 PM on Saturday November 11th, 2006.

The Flashback, The Vision, The Prediction

I've had a few days to think about what happened Monday night and a few days to articulate what I need to write for this "note" to make sense. So here goes nothing.First, the Monday Night Miracle. Bears down 20 with 15:02 to go in the game the Bears score 0 offensive touchdowns and STILL comeback to win 24-23. I'll note this because in The Heckler, a comedic sports paper, wrote that the NFL would spot the Cardinals 23 points in that MNF game as a joke. They were instead spotted 20 by the Bears. That's the first part. But after Devin Hester returned that punt for the game winning TD and Neil Rackers (last year's Mr. Automatic) missed a game winning FG I had this numbing feeling in my body, followed by a tingling sensation.

This leads to THE FLASHBACK. The flashback was a conversation I had between myself and my roommate. Here's an excerpt from my blog last year: "Yeah, we still like the same girl and we were talkin about it. We were talking about the prospects of them and all of the other guys that like her. We eliminated them for one reason or another, then I basically eliminated myself. There's the self reflection. Here's exactly how I eliminted myself:"Me (chuckling) in my wildest dreams that include a year in which the bears, bulls, cubs and SIU win championships..." And then it hit me. The Bears are a contender and will probably win the NFC North title and in my eyes are serious contenders for the conference title and (dare I say it?) the Super Bowl. According to basketball experts, the Bulls are one of the top 5 teams in the Eastern Conference and could contend with Miami if everything breaks their way. SIU is one of the favorites to win the MVC title, again. And the Cubs, with the hiring of Lou Piniella, are making their way to becoming contenders again for the first time since 2003 and 2004. So it hit me, and it hit me hard. Could I be next? Could this be the way the chips fall? I'm not gonna say that the stars are aligned, but I WILL say that there is movement among them.

This leads to THE VISION. More of a dream. Long story short it's me at Wrigley Field on Opening Day and the Cubs win. I can't tell you who played or who I was with, all I know is that there was a conversation with someone saying that this was the year and it was only us two among the whole crowd that believed. So I'll put it out there now Cub fans. 2007 is ours. Accept nothing less than a championship. Yes, start small with division aspirations because the NL Central with 88 wins is winnable. But don't accept choke jobs in the LDS or LCS. World Series or bust. Dusty Baker had one good quality and that was bringing the attitude of "you're either with us or you're against us." So Cub fans, you're either with me or against me. 2007: The Year The Cubs Strike Back.

As for THE PREDICTION: 2007 will be my year. No doubt about it. Shaking off curses, jinxes, hexes and all of the past that has plagued me. Cheering on SIU to a MVC title and hopefully a deep run into the NCAA tournament. Cheering on the Bears, hopefully to a Super Bowl Shuffle Remix. Cheering on the Bulls, hoping to knock off the big bad Heat. And then the Cubs, you know how I feel about 2007.

FINAL THOUGHT: To enforce my vision, my mother and I spoke today. I told her the following: "I was all about Joe Girardi coming to manage the Cubs. I thought that it'd be perfect that the local product, life-long Cub fan and former Cub leads this team out of a 98 year drought. But I thought about Piniella signing and I think it'd be more fitting that a guy named 'LOU' did the job." In response, my mother said "You know, I was thinking the EXACT SAME THING!"

Why Not Us? Why Not Now? Why Not Lu? All questions that will be put to rest in 2007, I'm SURE of it!

After Tonight I Took A Look In The Past And Found This Nugget

From NOVEMBER 15TH 2005:

• Yeah, we still like the same girl and we were talkin about it. We were talking about the prospects of them and all of the other guys that like her. We eliminated them for one reason or another, then I basically eliminated myself. There's the self reflection. Here's exactly how I eliminted myself:"Me (lmfao) in my wildest dreams that include a year in which the bears, bulls, cubs and SIU win championships..."

And as of right now I am sick to my stomach. The Bears look like they are on their way after tonights 24-23 comeback win on Monday Night Football where they scored 0 offensive touchdowns and yet still won and on top of that came back on the road from 20 down. The Bulls are one of the top teams in the Eastern Conference and look to be improving with the addition of a guy who plays interior defense. The SIU Salukis are favored to win the MVC and are a lot of experts "sleeper" team this coming college basketball year. And the Cubs have just hired Lou Piniella to save the franchise. This isn't Dusty Baker who succeeded because of guys like BALCO Bonds and the three-run homer. Piniella's teams developed Griffey Jr. and A-Rod to major league studs. And the idea of A-Rod in Cubbie blue pinstripes feels almost as good as the last kiss I got. 2007 JUST MIGHT BE THE YEAR! Maybe then MAYBE this can be my year too.

Between all that and the new TV show "What About Brian?" I can't help but to think: Why not Lu? Why Not Now?

From The Heart of the Heart Broken

WARNING: I'm pissed off and I'm drunk. Now, on with the show.

• So I watched the HBO special on the Cubs tonight. It turned into a great drinking game where I drank six beers in a 40 minute span. I wrote what the baseball part of me thought in my Cubs blog @ http://mydamncubbies.blogspot.com. But personally I can't let go. I was on the verge of tears when they talked about the 2003 team. When they played that Bartman footage, everything replayed in my head. Everything from that day. It's sad that I can retrace EVERY footstep of that day. I point to that day in specific as the day my life turned out for the worst. People say that losing their virginity is "their loss of innosence." For me, games 6 and 7 of the 2003 of the NLCS was worse than the worst experience I've ever had. That took my innocence. That took my childhood from me. That jilted me forever. I mean it kills me just thinking about what could have been. It makes me want to cry now that I'm just letting it all go on paper here. It's so hurtful. It's so painful.
• And only Cub fans really feel my pain, but no one SPECIFICALLY feels MY pain. Because I am the Cubs. The curse transfers over to me. And to think for years I pointed at a "cursed e-mail." Nope, it's just a branch effect of the Billy Goat. It explains my fear of Black Cats. It explains my quote in which I compared myself to the hated Tribune Corporation "I'm competitive until the price goes up." I am the Cubs. And I hate it. I hate myself. I truly do. I hate that I embody the Cubs. A cursed, choke artist who is a feel good story that you want to cheer for and you hope the best for but in the end you know what's going to happen. You know that somehow the Cubs are gonna blow it in the 9th. You know that 9 game lead will eventually diminish. You know the Cubs will trade some potential All-Star for a washed up ballplayer. You know that in the end the Cubs will not be the champion. Just like you know that Lu will eventually choke. You know will get to a point and then it will be all downhill from there. You know that Lu's competitive until someone with a bigger offer that isn't necessarily the best comes in and takes what Lu wants away from him. In the end Lu will choke. In the end the Cubs will choke. In the end Lu will be the loser. In the end the Cubs will be the loser. In the end, both of us will still be waiting for next year.

All I want is one chance. That's all I ever wanted. Yes I choked, yes I've failed and yes I live in misery. But I believe I've earned my one shot. Will I get it, ever? Who knows. To be honest, probably not. I'll be living with it hanging over my head for years upon years. Like Brock for Broglio, I'll be constantly reminded of my stupidity. Like 1969, 1984 and 2003 I will be constnatly reminded of how close I was but in the end still came up a little too short. Choke artist is something that I might never shake off. And that is a scary thought.

Good night from Carbondale, maybe I can sleep this off.

So I Find Myself Lost, What Else Is New?

So much to blog, so little time. Actually I got all the time in the world, we'll see how much I can put out there.

• Let's start off with the sports part. The Bears are 3-0 and off to a Super start. I'm happy and with the way things have been going in my personal life (which I'll get to later) I'm hoping that the Bears are something I can grasp and be my happy moment. It'll be different than the '03 Cubs because that was a daily thing, that's why that team was a savior. It's hard when they only play once a week and who knows if I get the privelage to watch with the damn Rams game taking up precious Bears television time....The Sox joined the Cubs in the elimination chamber after being spanked by Cleveland tonight and good for the Indians, payback is a bitch! Now the Sox fans can retreat back to their hobbit holes and section 8 housing facilities....the Cubs found another embarassing way to lose. So what's the Dusty countdown at now? Seriously: bring me a new coaching staff and some new players that actually have talent and we can have something here!
• Lu is currently patiently waiting. For what? Homecoming. See in high school I looked forward to homecoming because it was a chance for me to dress up and look good for a girl that I had some sort of interest in dating. Instead this homecoming will be different. The boys will be back in town. The only peeps that have visited me the first two years will be back and this time I think will be the best time! I can't wait. I'm so excited and I just can't hide it! I'm looking forward to it because I know whenever they're with me everything turns out just fine. It's why they're my boys, we get shit done! This will probably be the highlight of first semester, and I wouldn't mind cuz they make it worth it. Too bad it couldn't be every weekend!
• Musically I got two new CDs that I'm currently raving about. Ludacris' 'Release Therapy' and Lupe Fiasco's Food and Liquor. Lyrically Food and Liquor is brilliant and flawless. Lupe Fiasco just blew my mind and it was all so clear. The best hip hop album since Common's 'Be.' As for 'Release Therapy' another classic Luda cut. And what made it even better...NO SKITS!!! As much as I love Luda's skits some are out of place and are better off hidden on a special bonus disk or at the end of an outro or something like that. Luda's got some killer tracks like "Ultimate Satisfaction" featuring Field Mobb and "Slap." Standouts on Lupe's album: "The Cool," "Pressure" featuring Jay-Z," "The Instrumental" and so far my absolute favorite track has been "American Terrorist" because lyrically and topic wise Lupe just kills the track. End of story.
• Movie notes. I still wanna see "Accepted" but now my new thing is "School For Scoundrels" that comes out this weekend. Looks like a funny one. Can't wait, maybe I can go with a friend or something. Because it MUST be better than "The Last Kiss" or another "Jackass" flick.
• So for the fun and personal part. A friend called me the other morning, and it was awkward because it was early in the morning and she was the last person that I would have expected to talk to at that time. To make a long story short, she told me she got engaged. I was happier for her, heck I AM happy for her. I believe everyone should have that feeling. But to be honest, I felt a little bit heartbroken. Just a little bit, nothing to drink over. Just remembering the good times we had together in the little time we spent together the thought crossed my mind. Personally I give her a lot of credit for giving me what little confidence I have today because of our talks and that great date that kinda made me realize I have 'it' in me, I just need to bring it out. I liked her, I really did. I know I wasn't supposed to, but I fell for her I just couldn't help it. I caught feelings when I shouldn't have, but once again I couldn't stop myself. She'll always be a little special to me and I think she knows that. But in the end, I knew nothing was meant to happen between us, and that's why I'm glad we're still friends....So I've found myself to be a hypocrite. A shell of my former self. Many things that I believed in when I first came here I don't believe anymore. That's more of a realization of the truth than being a hypocrite. But then there are certain beliefs and certain ideals that I have not held up since I've been here. I find myself saying hypocritical things, I find myself giving advice to others that I myself should be taking. I just don't feel like myself. Mentally I'm lost and stuck in moments that I shouldn't be in. Sometimes I just want out, a complete pull out of Carbondale and a fresh start back in Chicago again. But I must learn that I can't run from my problems and that I must either face them head on or face the consequences.
• As of right now the thing that bugs me the most is the constant reminders of my failures and short comings and those "what could/should have been moments." Those bug me the most. I feel helpless and wish I could turn back time. I feel as if I'm holding things back that are hurting me, but for the greater good I keep them in. It's a tough feeling. It's a diffucult task. I just want things to work out for once. I'm sick of being "cursed" I'm sick of the constant failure I'm sick of thinking "what could have been" every night. As much as I want to go, there's something that keeps pulling me back. I just wish that I would have made some of these revolutionary thoughts oh about a year ago. Things would be different. This would be a different blog. I want, no, I NEED to make things right in my life, I just don't know how.
• So you want to know how I'm feeling. Find the following songs: 4 Minutes by Avant and Beautiful Lie by Ashley Parker Angel....read the lyrics/listen to the songs....oh and Because I Love You by Lenny Williams. Listen and then you SHOULD get it.