Game One Goes To The Birds :-(

This wasn't only an introduction to the Cubs/Cards series for Lou Piniella, it was also an introduction to Cub-dumb.

Cub-dumb, also known as "being Cubbed" is an act when players decide to revert to the crap that they truly are, do stupid things in the field or on the basepaths....in short, Cub-dumb is baseball retardation. In the Cubs 2-1 loss to the Cardinals there was plenty of retardation to go around.

There were several strange plays and they all cost the Cubs in the end. They took a 1-0 lead in the 1st inning behind a run scoring single by Aramis Ramirez. Next, Mark DeRosa grounded into a double play to end the inning. But it wasn't a normal 6-4-3. DeRosa was safe when the second basemen's throw pulled Albert Pujols off the first base bag. DeRosa was tagged out when he entered fair territory while avoiding Pujols' tag.

In the 7th inning, Henry Blanco failed to move runners on first and second when he popped a bunt that was fielded by catcher Yadier Molina and almost turned into a triple play. Blanco was called out at the plate, and the Cubs rally was stifled after that when Cesar Izturis struck out looking and Daryle Ward struck out swinging at three splitters that weren't even close to being strikes.

The Cubs had a chance to make some noise in the bottom of the 9th inning. DeRosa hit a one out single and was pinch run in favor of Ronny Cedeno. Cedeno moved to second after Jacques Jones walk---kinda. Cedeno, off with the pitch, slid past the bag while shortstop David Eckstein kept the tag on Cedeno. The umpire initially called Cedeno safe until Tony LaRussa came out to argue the call, which was eventually overturned with the help of the umpiring crew and LaRussa insisting that he'd buy the first round at Sluggers after the game.

The Cub rally ended meekly as Matt Murton popped out on the first pitch he saw.

Sounds like the Cubs lost more than the Cardinals won, doesn't it? The Cards scored on a Preston Wilson two-run homer in the top of the 7th. That sucked, because I was watching the game in the student center and the Cubs were just rolling around. And in typical Cub fashion, as soon as you turn away...SMACK!!!

Preston F***ing Wilson. You've gotta be f***ing kidding me.

Besides Wilson's home run, Ted Lilly (1-2) was brilliant striking out six in seven innings while only allowing four hits. Lilly looks like he's gonna be that pitcher that gets NO run support despite good stuff.

Braden Looper (3-1) pitched well, especially knowing that I would be more than 300 miles south of Wrigley Field as I spent most of my afternoon taking a test. Nearly everyone by now should know my past interactions with Mr. Looper. Looptey-loop struck out five in seven innings while picking up the win.

If my mom was here, she'd tell me something to the extent of 'the sun will rise tomorrow."

If it does, game two will take place as Jason Marquis will take the mound against his former mates. If Marquis knows what's good for him, he pitches a complete game, no-hitter and hits a couple of dingers.

As you can tell, I don't like losing. I absolutely HATE losing to the Cardinals. Losing to the Cardinals is the absolute worse feeling in the world for me.

LIST PART I: Things that are bad, but not as bad as losing to the Cardinals.

• Losing to Duke (UNC; basketball)
• Losing to Ohio State (Michigan; football)
• Losing to the White Sox
• Rejection
• Heartbreak (over a girl)

Yeah, I said it. Being rejected by a girl, not as painful as losing to the Cardinals in my eyes. And heartbreak? Not even close, a few drinks coupled with a night of poetry writing can get me through any heartbreak. Getting over a loss by the Cubs at the hands of the Cardinals---that's just on the brink of depressing.

LIST PART II: Issues with Lou Piniella....because we haven't seen eye to eye sometimes this year.

• Why is Cliff Floyd batting second?
• Why wasn't Felix Pie starting in center field against the righty Looper?
• Why wasn't Pie used in the 9th inning as a defensive replacement? Either he or JJ could have caught that ball that Floyd missed on a dive that Jim Edmonds turned from a single into a triple.
• If you weren't gonna use Pie as a pinch hitter or as a defensive replacement---why didn't you use Pie as the pinch runner instead of Ronny Cedeno? Pie is faster and a better base stealer than Cedeno.
• Where was Michael Barrett? Last I checked, he hit a game winning Grand Slam against Jason Isringhausen last year against the Cardinals. Mikey B. is a better option off the bench than The Big Murt, who is struggling without constant playing time.
• I will give Lou credit for arguing the 9th inning call---good to see the manager awake at the wheel (not that's not a jab at LaRussa's DUI....but it should be!)

Hopefully the Cubs will get it right in the next two games, or else I (and the rest of Cubdom) have to face humiliation at the hands of the Cardinals fans on campus.

Finally, A Chance To Vent

Boy oh boy has this post been on the back burner or what?!?

Spring Break begins Friday around 2:50 when I get out of my PSYC 102 test on chapters 7 & 8 of a book I hardly open. But that's cool cuz I've only missed that class once and I've got some excellent notes. The eight days that I'll be home next week are eight days I will relish and cherish and absolutely love, for if no other reason, I'll be back in Chicago. Sure, it's 18 degrees in March but just saying the word "Chicago" brings a smile to my face.

This doesn't mean I don't have a lot of bullshit to do, I do. I've got quite the schedule when I'm home. I've got to do my taxes, in hope that I get some money despite the fact that I haven't worked since August 2005. I have to do my FAFSA forms, in hopes that I get more money from this government that is trying to steal the potential of the youth that they expect to take care of them when they're old and gray. I also have to put a résumé and cover letter together for a potential summer job working for an attorney. I also have to have some nice "sit-down" chats with my parents concerning my summer plans, living arrangements for next year and possibly some type of transportation.

Don't get me wrong, my Spring Break ain't all about business. I'm already booked this Saturday night, a nice lil' drinkin' night with the boys; and Sunday too watching some college hoops action and the Selection Sunday Show to see where my SIU Salukis will be seeded by the evil committee. Tuesday, I have a Justin Timberlake concert to attend (I'll touch on that later.) And then the next Saturday, I've been hearing about a family pizza party. And of course, you know there will be surprises along the way.

However to get to that point, I've had to endure a grueling three week period that started off on a good note, hit a bump in the road and then it was all down hill after that.

Three weeks ago things were going fine. I was happy, my school work was getting done, my personal life was slowly (like a snail, but a forward is forward no matter how you spin it) moving in a positive direction and I was generally happier than I am now.

Then I had a bout with optimism. I was in line for three writing opportunities. One was as a free-lance writer for a health magazine that would have payed me $150 per article, which would be $150 more than I have in my pocket right now. Then there was the job at the school newspaper, the Daily Egyptian which is something I want to do before I leave this place. And then there was the Cubs blog writing opportunity.

I know you're thinking "Lu, you already have a Cubs blog." But this was different. This was a legit blog and would have been the first step towards that whole journalistic writing thing. It would have been a nice first step, and then I would have been writing about the Cubs--it was too good to be true.

Unfortunately, it indeed was too good to be true. I was applying for the DE Sports section, which had an opening....and opening that was filled the day before I handed in my application. Talk about heart breaking. I never heard back from the free-lance gig, and I'm not sure about the Cubs writing gig, but I noticed that they have a gang of new writers that doesn't include yours truly.

That all went down two Friday's ago. And I spent most of my day frustrated with the Cubs ticket office, who wouldn't accept my phone call and I was unable to get through on the internet for whatever reason. I guess they don't want my "Cubs fan 'til I die" attitude there to support the team. I don't know what happened, in the end I had to use my roommate's phone to order the tickets I wanted. Good, but not great seats. Oh, did I mention he's a Cards fan? I'm sure he won't live this down for a while. Let's just say I had a miserable Friday.

Actually, I should go back to that last Tuesday, Fat Tuesday where I went out to Mardi Gras at Copper that was totally overrated and had me upset to the point where I walked home in disgust by myself. But I got over it, because I woke up sober the next morning. Maybe I should point to the Saturday before that when I went out and paid a cover at Gatsby's for no damn reason except to be in a crowded, smoke filled place that I had no interest in being at in the first place.

And that's just the tip of the iceberg.

For the last two weeks, I've been bombarded with school work. For the last two weeks, I've had a major writing assignment due or a test in each of my five classes. Poems were due on Mondays. JRNL 310 assignments due Tuesdays. Wednesdays were study days for tests and quizzes that occurred on Thursdays. If it wasn't a test, there were more papers due on Fridays.

But wait, there's more.

The more I'm down here, the more I feel as if I want to go home. Sometimes I feel as if I just want to quit. Other days it's like I just want a fresh start away from the south. But I don't want to be seen as a failure or a quitter. That enough is motivation for me to stay and finish the job at SIU. But sometimes I think to myself if it's even worth it.

I haven't accomplished anything that I've sought out for since I've been here. I haven't written for the school paper, which is a total downer for someone who is a journalism major who loves to write and is desperate to be the next best sports writer.

My grades have been mediocre as a whole, of course the grades for my writing classes stand out in a positive light, but that unfortunately doesn't make up for shitty grades in math and science classes.

My personal life is in shambles, and that's putting it in a positive perspective. I know if someone reads this they'll say "You're so negative, no wonder your personal life sucks." But emotionally, I feel beat. Mentally, I feel tired. And physically, I'm not happy with myself.

I think the thing that hurts the most about this subtle, yet seemingly disasterous downfall has been my inability to find a date. You would think that someone with as many friends as I have would be able to find a date to see Justin Timberlake. Nope. Not me, can't find a date for the life of me. Two Facebook notes, no response. Two My Space Blogs, no response. Two My Space bulletins (which go out to every friend I have--all 181 of them), no motherfucking response!

You know how sad that makes me feel? That there is not one fucking girl that is even interested in a date, and it's not like she's paying for the ticket or for dinner or for anything at all. Again, I've been spurned by Cupid.

I know if a certain friend reads this, she'll shake her head and be very disappointed in me, especially after the pep talk she gave me about having so much in front of me, but after everythign fell through that one week I've been left to wonder "Now what?"

It's just sad that I haven't been able to orchestrate a date on my own since my sophomore year of high school, that saddens me---almost to the point of depression. And I take a look around and I think to myself things like "Where did I go wrong?" and "What's wrong with me?" It's not even "Why Not Lu? Why Not Now?" or "What if I was Lu?" It's more like "Wham! Bam! What the fuck is happening!?!"

It seems as if everyone around me is in love or at least has been in love while I sit in my room wondering "When's my turn?" I feel like the last kid being picked in gym class. Too bad I can't fake being sick. I'm going to have to live through this one way or another.

My shortcomings in that department are really magnified and exposed not because of myself, but because of others around me, and that's a shame because it shouldn't be that way. But that's just the way it is. Especially if you're a guy. Especially when you're 20 years away from a movie being made about you. Especially when you take shots all the damn time. Whether they're intended, subliminal, whatever. Three years of continuous shots is not good for the soul. It's why I have to take shots at myself sometimes, to lessen the blow of something worse that could have been said.

I truly am sick and tired of my situation. I hate it. Second fiddle sucks. Being a back up plan sucks. Being "just friends" sucks. Being the sounding board sucks. Being me in general sucks. Being played sucks. Thinking "woulda, coulda, shoulda" sucks. Being resigned to think about "what could have been" all the fucking time sucks. Yeah, there are positives, but you know what when the negatives are beating you senseless you wonder if the end gains are worth the pain you're feeling now.

The saddest thing about this whole ordeal is that I never used to be like this. Not never. I used to be more thick skinned. This didn't use to effect me. It didn't bother me. I was stronger. I was more emotionally stable.

Now, I crumble at the first sign of things not going my way. Now, I'm an emotional wreck that's on the verge of snapping every day and the only thing that keeps him happy is the slight ray of hope that only exists because I am a Cubs fan, no joke.

Things aren't easy, I understand that. But when they come easy for everyone else, you can't help but to think "What the fuck are they doing that I'm not doing?"

I realize this post is getting long and there is still so much on my mind to vent, but I'm getting tired and I have class at 11:00 a.m. So I guess I'll close by referencing soon to be ex-Indiana State University basketball coach Royce Waltman. Royce makes some strong allegations in this article, recognizing his ouster.

"Well, I can't get a head coaching job, because if you get fired for cheating you can get hired right back again," Waltman said. "But if you get fired for losing you're like you've got leprosy.

When I first read that quote on ESPN.com, I laughed because it's kind of true. But the fact that I can apply that to my personal life is downright sad. For three years I've put my priorities in front of me, and nothing has fallen through. I've put my morals, beliefs and feelings on my shoulders and nothing comes of it. I wear my heart on my sleeve, and it gets stabbed.

The funny thing is, that in my heart of hearts, that if one thing doesn't happen here while another thing happens here. Something gets said here. Everything is different. Instead I'm going to bed alone and sad. Wishing and hoping that a better day would come. Wishing and hoping for a reason to smile again. Wishing and hoping there was a cure for what ails me.

This fucking sucks. I'm pissed off and the worse thing about this all is that someone out there has it worse than I do, but for some reason since I've been here at SIU, I've become as fragile as a porcelain doll.

Good night.

COLTS 29 BEARS 17 (insert sad face here)

A little more than 24 hours later, I've emerged to speak on what everyone has an opinion on and that of course is the Colts win in Super Bowl XLI; a 29-17 victory. The game started off with a bang when Devin Hester took the opening kickoff 92 yards for a touchdown. Unfortunately, Hester didn't get much of a chance to return after that as the Colts avoided him throughout the game. The first half was a back and forth struggle, unfortunately the Bears blew an early 8 point lead after Rex Grossman (yes, good Rex was there at one point) connected with Muhsin Muhammed on short touchdown pass.
After that it was all downhill. It was as if the team decided that it wasn't going to show up after the first quarter. To the Colts credit, they outplayed the Bears in every facet of the game and that's why they're the champs and that's why I'm a little bitter this evening. Bad Rex showed up in the second half with his 2 INTs to go along with a fumble. Thomas Jones showed up with a 100-yd rushing game (told ya the Colts could be run on.) But the defense didn't show up like they did against the Saints, and that's the most disappointing thing about last night's game. Neither did the offense, with some of the blame going to the questionable play calling of offensive coordinator Ron Turner. Sure, Tommie Harris and Mike Brown not being healthy had a little to do with it, but the Bears sure didn't miss them in the NFC Championship game, did they?
In the end I'm heart broken, again. No curses. No billy goat. No black cats. No Bartman. Just one heartbreaking game. I should be used to this, but I'm not. In fact no one should get used to losing. If Dusty Baker taught me anything in his tenure as Cubs manager it's that having a losing mentality is unacceptable, no mater what "the culture" suggests, no matter what the past says. *Channeling Bobby Knight's "I'm sick and tired of losing to Purdue...I'm not here to f*ck around this week" speech* I'm sick of not feeling the joy of victory. I'm sick of the agony of defeat. Losing sucks, there's no way around it. I'm tired of not being good enough!
*Whew* now that my rant is over it's time to do this. The Bears still had a great year. They won the NFC North and the NFC Title, nothing to be ashamed about here guys. Be proud of a team that still has potential. Hopefully we keep the right guys on the field (Jones & Lance Briggs), in the coaching booth (Lovie Smith, Ron Rivera, Dave Toub) and pick up some key parts whatever they be to reach this level again. The NFC is winnable people, think of it as the NL Central--everyone (except the Pirates AKA the Detroit Lions) has a shot to win it!

It'd be easy to ask you "Who is to blame?" or "What should have been done differently?" so I'll do this instead. Tell me your favorite part of this season. As much as I hate losing, why not leave this season with a happy thought?

Now that the football season is now over...PITCHERS AND CATCHERS REPORT ON FEBRUARY 14TH. It's only 55 days 'til Opening Day and that means only 55 Days 'Til Cubdom Strikes Back!

The Final Post Of This Semester

I'm not saying that this is the final post of the year, but this is probably the last post of the semester. And there usually is a big sigh of relief that comes with the end of the semester, but for me it's like I'd rather be hit in the face with a hammer and never come back to this place ever again. Yes, I'm committed to staying here, but at what cost? My happiness levels fluctuate daily (sometimes hourly), I put a lot of stress and pressure on myself to succeed (to no avail), and my personal life has done nothing but move in a negative direction since Valentine's Day 2005.

So where am I? What am I doing? I don't even know anymore. I know I feel like crap, and that's not just the stomach sickness that just hit me.

I believe (in fact, I'm sure) that most of my un-happiness is drawn from my social life, and sometimes lack of it. My failures and shortcomings in love have become well documented on this blog and it's kinda depressing to look back on the things I wrote and still not have moved on from certain events of the past. It's bothersome to think that someone like me still hasn't found somebody on a campus of 20,000 kids. And I'm not just feeding into my own ego, far from it. Everyone and their dog has had an opinion about how 'one day you'll find someone and they'll be perfect' or 'one day you'll make some girl really happy.' Between that and the almost inevitable 'let's just be friends' I'm mired in a slump....and really there's no explanation behind it. I'm honestly sick and tired of being on the outside looking in. And yes I've had my chances and admittedly I've blown them. And though I can easily point fingers, I'd rather not because pointing fingers is generally a cop out. Does Mariano Rivera bitch when the pitcher before him leaves runners in scoring postion that could win the game for the opposition. No, he doesn't. He takes the ball and fucking closes games out. I have been unable to "close games out" and that is the main contributor to my failure when it comes to girls.

And to be honest, this whole issue with girls has been going on all my life. You can start in grammar school, though really it shouldn't count. For me you can start in high school where every Valentine's Day since freshman year of HS has a depressing story of failure, rejection and depression. But really it didn't bog me down that much in high school because my grades still were good. Now my grades seem to be suffering like my personal life. Look at my last report card: A, B, D, D. That doesn't make any sense, now does it? My personal life and grades are going "Bi-Polar Betty," Jason Marquis style*. I can deal with a less than stellar social life if my grades are acceptable, but it seems like when it rains, it pours.

And then I can draw the comparisons from last year. I remember writing an earlier post in which I yearned for things to be like they were last year. I miss the old days. I miss the days where we could all get along and go out together and all that good stuff. And yes, things change, certain things have changed and it probably shouldn't have changed everyones friendships. But to be honest no one should be suprised, it's not like the writing wasn't on the wall. And the best thing is that everyone has a part to take when it comes to the blame game. Now will everyone, fess up to their end. Of course not. We're all youngsters who are prideful and sometimes egotistical. Personally, I'm not blind to my own insecurities and will take the blame (heck I give myself the most blame) just so others can get off scot-free. I digress, I'd love for the "old days" of just one year ago to be back. And sure I can point to you where it all began going down hill and point out where it hit rock bottom and such. But I won't. Why? Because we all know (individually) where it started to slip.

So what about next year? For Lu, it's back to the drawing board. A change of scenery is out of the question unless I completely bomb out in second semester. As for the grades, earlier this semester I put an effort to a recommittment to prioritizing. I came to SIU motivated, motivation that has since deteriorated. I need to find that motivation again, I don't know where it will be or where it will come from, but I'm sure it will re-emerge in some form. As for my personal life, like I said only a few sentences ago, I'd like to recommitt to prioritizing, though I acknowledge the difficult nature of that task. But I'm open to trying new things. Yes, the internet dating thing has now failed me twice. I can clearly point the finger at myself both times, though some would argue that I had less of a hand to play in the original, but at least in the most recent attempt I tried. It was my own doing, not a pass-me-down idea from someone else.

MY FINAL RANT ON LOVE IN 2006: The idea of true love is nice. That whole falling in love thing sounds great, far fetched, but great nonetheless. The idea of having someone who is your one and only someone/soul mate type person sounds great on paper. It also makes great Disney movies and great feature films and television shows while we're at it. However it's not as easy as the media makes it out to be. Generations have been taught that love happens naturally. People always say "that special someone will come" or that "it'll happen when the time is right" and of course "good things come to those who wait." Well I have news for you, those outlets are wrong. Nothing is guaranteed in life except death and taxes (and arguably the Cubs not winning the World Series) so the idea that someone special will come, instead should be changed to might come. What? I'm just being realistic. As for that whole timing issue, timing sucks. Especially for me, I'm horrible at playing that timing game. It's why I often reference having a time machine. I'm also really bad at taking "signs" also contributing to my failure with women. Oh and about that idea that "good things come to those who wait," I can easily disprove that. There are several girls that I waited for....and well technically you can say that I still wait. Instead that should be changed to "yeah good things MIGHT come to those that wait, but BETTER things come to those who go out and get them." For my final reference, I'll go back to last year when someone sat on their hands while they watched someone who had no business in that situation get what they want. Maybe it's time for me to take that approach. Hopefully, it's not too little too late.

Oh yeah and I must make a note that there is one more Year In Review segment, but that will be posted retroactively to Wednesday as soon as I put finishing touches on it.

*indicates a reference to the nickname given to former Cards, now Cubs starter Jason Marquis. Cards' fans dubbed Marquis "Bi-Polar Betty" because of his inconsistencies from start to start. That will fit in perfectly with this blog, and with Cubdom as well.

It Wasn't All Gravy In 2006, The 10 Lowlights of '06

Some would argue that if my life went right in every way that I wanted it, then this blog wouldn't exist. Others (upon reading my posted poetry) have told me that I need to write "happy poems." My response to that is that it's hard to write happy poems and it's much easier to write when you're down, the emotion comes out better. Besides, everyone can relate to a little heartbreak here and there. With that said, I must remember the downside to 2006. And what do I attempt to accomplish by posting the negatives of '06? You must learn from your mistakes before you're able to move on from them.

• The rest of the 2006 Cubs season. Yes, they swept the Cardinals twice. Yes Aramis Ramirez and Juan Pierre put up monster numbers in the second half of the year. But the Cubs absolutely fell apart after Derrek Lee's injury in a year that really could've used every happy moment I could've gotten. Things looked good through mid-April until Dodger SS Rafael Furcal crashed into Lee at first base causing him to miss a majority of the year. The team fell apart after that. No one came up to produce, everyone struggled and the Cubs faded into oblivion. They finished with the worst record in the NL leading to the resignation of President Andrew B. MacPhail and the parting of ways with manager Dusty Baker.
• Summer school was terrible. It started off nice, but finished poorly with me getting a D in math class. And though I can still count that towards credit hours @ SIU, I felt as if I wasted my Tuesday and Thursday nights this summer.
• No summer job/car. Both of my summer jobs fell through this summer, causing Lu to lose two forms of income this year, which was crucial to him getting a car, something he's been without since my car accident, which truly set off a series of unfortunate events that have lead to today.
• SIUs loss to WVU in round 1 of the NCAA tourney. After the high of getting the auto-bid to the tourney, Saluki Nation took a major hit when the tourney committee gave SIU the short end of the stick seeding SIU 1th matching us up against the 6th seed West Virginia Mountaineers, a team that went deep into the year before's tourney. Their size, stregnth and athleticism was too much for SIU to handle leading to a 64-46 blow out loss.
• Another bad loss was the Bears loss to the Carolina Panthers in the playoffs. For the second time in recent memory the Bears lost a home playoff game to the underdog. WR Steve Smith handled the Bears with several touchdown grabs, and one lasting bitter memory of Smith sliding down the goal post in celebratory fashion. That one still burns Bear fans, as too the Bears themselves.
• Three bad sports moments in one year? The Cardinals World Series Championship, though it made some people happy, reminded me that indeed it can get worse. It was one of those "everyone can be happy but Lu" moments which will haunt me until the Cubs get it right and win their first championship since 1908.
• Some would say that I drink too much. Some would argue with the things that I write, that I don't drink enough. I would say that I'm somewhere in the middle. Do I drink a lot, you can say that, I wouldn't necessarily disagree. Though I will disagree with those who think I'm "drunk all the time." Those days are behind me. I've limited my drinking to Friday nights, Saturday nights, and once in a while I'll drink during football games Sunday afternoons. No more drinking on a daily basis (even though it was only a beer a day.) This is a clear improvement over freshman year when I was drinking Thursday, Friday, Saturday and Mondays; and sophomore year when I'd go out drinking by myself coming back sad and really drunk. I'd like to thank my roommates and friends for setting me straight on my little habit, I appreciate them and their help.
• The overall emotional roller coaster was no fun whatsover. Did I dig my on hole, yes! Did I do anything to fix it, I tried. Did it get fixed, obviously not. I had too many lows and not enough highs this year, and it's typical of every year. An up and down year is expected for everyone, not every day is going to be wonderful. Every day has its challenges and its up to each individual on how to handle them. Every action has a reaction and every happening can cause a different chain of corresponding events. I've learned that, unfortunately, I've learned that the hard way.
• I don't know what John Travolta was singin' about in Grease, but for me there's been no such thing as "Summer Lovin'." After the school year ended I proclaimed that this summer (summer of 06) would be my summer of love. Long story short it was a summer of shortcomings, disappointments and an overall reminder of my flailing (and failing for that matter) love life.
• And finally I close with another mention of my love life, Valentine's Day 2006. I remember the original plan was to drink all day. Well, that didn't happen because A) I was to stay sober B) I had a POLYSCI paper due that day and C) I had a POLYSCI test that day. I celebrated (if that's even the word to use) Valentine's Day by watching SIU lose a crucial game against Bradley University, and sent the rest of the day and night alone, eating dinner, by myself, reminded of my failures in that department. It was clearly the lowlight of my year (not like that is shocking anyone.)

In my next post, hope springs eternal with the 10 things I am actually looking forward to in 2007.

Happy Friday (And By Happy I Mean UGH!)

"Next time the past knocks on your door, don't answer."

So yeah this is not how I wanted to spend my Friday. Drunk, yes. Angry, pissed and depressed, not so much.

And really I was in relatively high spirits until I signed on to MySpace this afternoon and got a message from my "ex." Most of you do not know the story of my "ex" so here's the cliff's notes version. My former roommate thought that it'd be a great confidence boost for Lu (who was fighting depression b/c of his car and his once best friend) to give Lu this internet girlfriend. So what happend to internet girlfriend? She faked her own death (dying at age 18 due to lung cancer) to get away from me sending me into a disasterous spiral that really concluded with a "press conference' where I proclaimed that I gave up on women and retired and .... well we all know how that ended up. I still am convinced that I missed out on my opportunity on perfection, but that's a different blog for a different time.....or is it? I think that things could have been different had I spoke my peace then. Okay lemme rephrase that, I like to think that things would have been different. She could have always said no, and then I'm back at square one all over again, but at least I'd have something that was definite. And it's been a year, it's been more than a year, and I should be over her. And there was a point where I was over her, there was, I moved on at one point, but when everything (and i mean everything) fell through is when I realized the kind of failure I was when it came to love. I am a failure. I'm 20, I should be out enjoying myself, but I'm not I'm dwelling on stupid shit from a year ago that was MY FUCKING MAKING because I didn't have the balls to tell her how I felt about her. Why? Because I'm a fucking idiot, that's why! And the funny thing is that she knows how I feel. Her boyfriend knows how I feel. Everyone on this planet could theoretically know how I feel about her and I could care less because for some gosh for saken reason I still love her and I don't know why. And I've tried to get over her. But between girls just not having an interest in Lu like that or girls just up and disappearing, Lu's love life is an absolute joke. It's a fucking punchline. FUCKING CLOWN SHOES!

With that said, I dont even know where I was going with that. All I know is that the reminder of the internet girlfriend fiasco set me off into a drinking binge that included 5 beers in a half hour (not a good idea for you youngsters at home.) Maybe I should just resign myself to the fate that I'll never be a number one choice. Not like I have any inspiration or motivation to because every girl would rather just be friends with Lu like dating Lu is the fucking plague! Maybe I'll never be "boyfriend material." Maybe I'm not meant to be happy, cuz everyone else can be happy, just not Lu. Maybe this is all sour grapes, seeing ALL of my roommates with girls (both current and former) even my rooomie that dropped out of school got a girl. And then there's Lu wallowing in the misery of "chokes" and something Lu likes calling "being cubbed."

I don't even know why I'm writing anymore. All I know is that I was set off by a reminder of my past failures. And yes, the quote that resides at the top of this post SHOULD be always remembred. But when the past breaks your fucking door down and slaps you in the face it's like a reality check!!

How The Mighty Have Fallen

I'm too young to be thinking like this, but here goes nothing.

The last two-plus years have been interesting to say the least. Seriously, they've been interesting. Freshman year here at Southern for the most part was exactly what I thought it would be. It was what I needed. A fresh start, some new friends and some new experiences that I would never have been able to have if I were to stay at home for school. I went into sophomore year with a lot of hype. Not necessarily hype, I don't think hype is a good word, expectations is a better word. I came into sophomore year with high hopes. Well, I was supposed to come in with high hopes. Then I had the week from hell that changed everything. Actually it was more like a 48 hour period from hell. It started with my car accident Friday afternoon after work. Then I got a letter in the mail from SIU saying that my fall registration was cancelled because someone *cough*father*cough* didn't hold up their end of the bargain and didn't tell anyone that he didn't hold up his end. Then the week after, one of my closest friends (who I had been mad at all week because they had stood me up for a breakfast date) had a near death experience. I spent most of the first few weeks of school worried about her, and stuck with classes I didn't want to be taking with crappy professors in a place where I didn't want to be. However the low point of first semester sophomore year isn't what everyone thinks. Close, but no cigar! The low point, ladies and gentleman, was the internet girlfriend fiasco. A good idea, actually who the hell am I crapping, a terrible idea that was supposed to "boost my confidence" totally backfired causing a nice little downward spiral of unhappiness and depression coupled with something some would like to call Lu being an alcoholic. It's probably the most embarassing thing that has ever happened to me, ever. Think about it, an internet girlfriend faking her death to break up with you. It makes you think about things. It makes you look at things in a different light. Well it makes ME think about things. It makes ME look at things in a different light. It's one of the reasons I am the way I am: bitter and cynical. And drinky, can't forget about drinky! Things didn't get much better as sophomore year rolled on. In fact they didn't change, they stayed the same. Even when given opportunities to change things I found a way not to pull through. I found a way to choke if you'd like to put it in that way. Oh and then there was this summer. To put it bluntly, if my summer was televised Bill Buckner would be telling himself "Damn, I thought I had it bad" and then he'd start laughing hysterically.

And then we get to this year. Another reason to be optimistic, another new start. Things were supposed to be different. Things were gonna get good, things were gonna be better. And really they haven't been. I find it difficult to string a week together where I'm completely happy. Friday, which is supposed to be my happy day, has been my day of depression for most of this semester. I feel unattached to anything, and really don't feel anything sometimes. For some it's easy to point out my problems and then fix them, because they're not me. And I know someone that will read this blog and tell me to stop complaining because all my problems are women related. My response to that, without going overboard, is that it's all mental. I don't want to get into that because that's not what this blog is about. This blog is about my lack of happiness. This blog is about how things have gotten progressively worse each year since I've been in Carbondale. I'm not meeting expectations, any one elses, let alone my own. I've been here almost three years and have not accomplished anything that I've wanted to personally or academically.

Maybe I am cursed. Maybe I'm not. Maybe I'm just not cut out for college. Maybe I'm not cut out for anything. The worst feeling I have beyond the loneliness, beyond the depression, beyond the thought/idea and not being loved is the emptiness that comes with not knowing why you're on this earth for.

And for the second consecutive year, I'm wishing for the old days. When we were all cool. When things were better. And when you think things can't get worse think the Bartman play, then the Gonzalez booted double play, and then think the ensuing eight run inning. Oh and then take game 7, add 98 years of failure and compress it into the mind of a fragile young mind and you have me at this point as I finish this blog @ 10:00 PM on Saturday November 11th, 2006.

It's Nights Like These That Keep Me From Being Optimistic

All week I looked forward to Friday. Not like that's anything new, shit, I look forward to Friday on Sunday afternoon. But it's Friday nights like these that A) Keep me from being optimistic and B) Keep me in ruts that I generally find myself in.

I called this one of the worst Friday's I've had in a loooong time. Granted, nothing too terrible happened, but a part of me wishes that it would have because then I'd have something to complain about rather than complain about a sense of nothingness.

It's Friday's like this that make me wish Chicago was only 2 hours away from Carbondale, instead of St. Louis. There's a major difference between Chicago Lu and Carbondale Lu. Everyone knows that, and I acknowledge it. I try to change it, but it's like how things are whenever you want to change them. Something to the extent of 'the more things change, the more they stay the same.'

For the record, I hate this.

Chicago Lu would be having fun by any means necessary. C'mon, where else can you have fun just hanging out at McDonald's? Not Carbondale. Where can I go here to just hang out and have fun without paying a cover charge of some sorts. There's no Lake Shore Drive, where am I gonna go? Why is it that everything around me revolves around parties and drinking. Heck, Chicago Lu has a different drinking approach than Carbondale Lu. I like when Chicago Lu drinks. He's calm, reserved, sophisticated...all while intoxicated. And it's not like I go home and get hammered, I have a few drinks, shoot the shit and that's it. I can't do that in Carbondale. I'll go out and drink and then expect to get on some hoes or something stupid like that. No pressure at home, I like no pressure situations. There's always something down here, something stupid that pisses me off.

I just want to be happy, but I guess that's too much to ask for. I'm not talking about superficially happy, because like a rocking chair, being superficially happy is fun but in the end it gets you nowhere. (Paraphrased from the movie Van Wilder.) Because everyone else can be happy, but not Lu, nope, not me. I can't be happy. I'm not supposed to be happy. I'm supposed to be tortured and pissed off at every turn. Depressed every night. Every day is like a beating. Emotionally and mentally, every day is just one big beatdown. And even on days that I don't feel it, I know it'll come later.

But everyone else can be happy. Can't do anything right, I just can't.
For the record, I'm sick of writing these blogs. And I'm sure the people reading these (if anyone still does) are sick of reading them. I'm tired of being depressed all the time. I'm tired of always being angry. I'm sick of everything. Long story short: I'm sick and tired of being sick and tired! That's the bottom line here.

The only things that would help are the following:

• Winning the lottery. Because money, though not the root of my problems, can fix something, can't it? Because people with money are happy, superficially happy, but happy nonetheless. It's like hiring Johnny Cochran to be your lawyer. People say that you look guilty. We'll I'd rather look guilty in the mall than look innocent in jail. (That of course paraphrased from Chris Rock)
• A fresh start somewhere not in Carbondale. I'll be honest, Carbondale was at one point the fresh start I was looking for. But when my past, along with black cats and billy goats, resurfaced it was the beginning of the end.
• The Cubs winning a World Series. Because once again, the last time I was genuinely happy was in 2003 before Cubdom even knew that Steve Bartman exsisted. A Cubs World Series Championship could provide something to me that I've been lacking my entire life. A chance to associate myself with a winner (though for arguments sake, SIU Men's Basketball has filled a small void when it comes to that department.) But a Cubs championship would give me hope that ANYTHING is possible.

Alas, I've come to the conclusion that like true love (which is a different post for a diffrenet night), genuine happiness is a pipe dream. Good night from Carbondale, maybe sleep can turn this around. Probably not because in the end, my problems will still be there.

I'm Suprised It Lasted This Long

This is my "note" from facebook.com @ 5:09 PM

• This isn't a note where I dwell on the worst thing that happened this weekend, which was the Cardinals (the 83 win Cardinals that had a losing record against the worst team in the NL, my Chicago Cubs) winning the World Series. This also isn't a note in which I talk about how this weekend served as more evidence on why I should've never came back to Carbondale. Instead, this is a happy weekend recap note.Friday I got off the train and hopped in a cab to Boni Vino's to see my dad and my uncle at the bar. We drank for a few hours, exchanged some stories and had a grand time. It was good to be home. I was happy, heck I was estatic to be home. I knew it was gonna be a good weekend when the cab was playing the song "Look at Her" by One Chance & Fabo from D4L and I was humming the song and told the cabbie to turn it up and his response was "Finally someone that likes the music I like."Saturday, the sun rose, proof that the world didn't end with the Carindals WS victory. I had breakfast with grandma, got a much needed haircut, set up a new bank account, cleaned my uncles gutters and then the fun came. I went to the mall with my mom and my aunt so they could get their nails done. I didn't know it then, but eventually I would be getting a manicure as well. Don't judge me! Don't knock it 'til you try it. It felt good. It feels good to be pampered. I say to everyone if you get a chance to pamper yourself, DO IT! You more likely than not deserve to be pampered. It felt good, and it looked good. I'll never complain about women who complain about their nails ever again, one of my nails got black ink on em and it kills the shine! After that we ate at the Olive Garden, that was great time spent with the family. Saturday night, I spent with some of the guys in McDonalds. I tell ya what, if I spend a Carbondale night in McDonald's, I know my night was a failure, there's no doubt about it. In Chicago, different story. Location! Location! Location! It changes a lot!Sunday I watched the Bears, saw more family and then I was off to Carbondale, again. Refreshed, recharged and ready to embrace my future.For more, check out my blogger site for more indepth stuff later!

So you would think I'd be in a good mood when I wrote this blog right? WRONG! DAMN WRONG! IT'S ALL WRONG! There are so many reasons to be pissed off right now, but right now my focus is why can't I be happy for one measley week outside of the city limits of Chicago. Is that so much to ask for? Maybe I should've dwelled on the Cardinals victory, proving once again that I'm not allowed to have ANY happiness in my life. Or maybe I should dwell on what seems to be a growing fact that I should have never came back (some would I argue I should've never came in the first place) to Carbondale. And the more I'm allowed to think about things the more I get to dissect things and analyze things and come to drastic conclusions like I'm not meant to be happy, ever; or Everytime something good happens to me it's luck, but everytime something BAD happens to me its fate; or the fact that I'm 20 and as of right now have no direction in my life. Sorry, wrong again, the only direction in my life is DOWN! Does DOWN count as a direction? I think it does, cuz it's all been down hill for the last year. There are so many things I can point to that have brought me to this point. There's so many things I can get at. Instead I'll blame myself. And only myself. I led myself down my own road. Did I follow hints, yes, but I didn't have to. Just goes to show that you should only have faith in yourself, even when you shouldn't because in the end I'd rather be able to blame myself and only myself for my situation. Instead, it's easier to find scape goats (hehehe I mentioned goats...FUCK GOATS) and reasons things went bad and not simplifying things to the point where you can only have yourself to blame. This blog was not, I repeat was not, coming tonight. But as the ball bounces, so does my mind. And my mind is telling me to vent before I want to pick up an alcoholic beverage. Damn consecutive drinking streak ending Saturday! And to think I was optimistic when this week started. Now I just know that something will go terribly wrong. I guarantee it!

Sleep calls, because it's better than drowning my sorrows with another Coors Light!

This Could Be One Of Those Epic Posts...

...but I won't let it be. I'll make this short and painless (though right now it's not painless at all.) After tonight I might have lost two of my closest friends. I'll spare the details in the interest of fairness, I just know that I've fucked up. Again. Unfortunately I've fucked up to the point of no return. I never envisioned it ending like this. In fact I never envisioned it ending. I guess all good things must come to an end. It's too bad though.

It's fitting that just now as I turned the channel to FSN that they showed "The Bartman Play" on the Top 50 Baseball Moments. That play symbolizes my life in a nutshell. It's a sad night.

Hmmm....

After a weekend without internet access (I'm using my roommate's computer as I speak.) I've had a lot of time to think about what I was going to type before I actually typed it out for the world to see. Which is weird because usually I just blog it out without a care to who reads it. So this is what I've come up with.

• Upon further review, I may I repeat may have a drinking problem. An alcohol consumption issue if you may. Granted that might be slanted a little because I'm in Carbondale and I have nothing better to do with my time on my weekends, but this might be something I keep a close eye on in the future. I've actually been entertaining the thought in my head about giving it up for a little bit. Going sober for a little. Granted that might just take out the fun in my life and what little glimmer of hope I may have, but it might be better for my mental (let alone) physical help. So what brought this up? A comment at the football game when my roommate asked me why I wanted to leave the football game early...and then he paused....and then I answered because I gotta go drinking which he responded "I thought you were about more than that" to which I responded "There was a time in which I was about more than that." Those times are long gone.
• Some of us live in a little bit of a dark world. For some of us, life ain't all hunky dory. I think what really gets to me is what people get away with. I love how some people can get away with anything and be able to live with themselves. There are somethings in life that I just can't do and even thinking about them makes me feel dirty. I think what bothers me more is when people get second chances in things that others don't get first chances in. It's quite disappointing to be honest. I don't think life is fair enough to the good people, and then when they flip sides like Annakin then they're looked at as the bad guys. Now I know why Darth Vader was a prick. The man obviously was depressed. And some peeps killed his mom and he wanted revenge. You know if someone killed my mom and I was at a young age to remember it I'd be getting revenge on all sorts of people. Sometimes that's just what makes me tick.
• Which leads into this weekends depressing story. I totally lost my cool. For the first time since spring semsester freshman year I had myself a mental breakdown. To revisit the mental breakdown here's how it goes. Something small ticks Lu off the point in which he becomes easily irritated and confrontational. Then Lu gets violent to the point where he goes to his room and just starts throwing a tempertantrum. After about 10-20 minutes of silence and relaxation Lu feels calm and normal again as if nothing happened. Well I pulled one of those this weekend. So what did Lu do? Lu took his computer chair and whipped it at his desk. Usually he just flips it over on the floor. No, he picked it up and threw it at his desk and broke a wheel in the process. Really, if that thing could talk the stories it could tell. Like the time I threw it across the dorm room at Hoos. Or the time I whipped it at the brick wall outside of Mae Smith. Or the time I hit it with a baseball bat. Or the time I tackled it. Or the time I knocked it down with one punch or one kick. Hey, better than something that I'd have to pay for that's worth something.
• To be honest I'm very regretful of last night. I made a fool of myself in front of my friends and am sorry for the way that I acted this weekend. I'm embarassed to put it correctly.
• So what set me off? A combination of the following: depression, loneliness, anger, frustration, jealousy, the things in my head that cause my head to hurt, stress, failure, the truth. All of those were contributing factors to Lu's First Mental Breakdown of the school year. And to be honest it was a long time coming. Small tempertantrums aside, this was the first full blown Mental Breakdown since freshman year when my roommate while on the phone with his then girlfriend made a crack about me being a virgin and I took his hat off his head and repeatedly hit him with it. And then when he took the hat away from me I took my computer chair and threw it in his closet...threw it ACROSS THE ROOM!!!! Needless to say when the tough get going Lu throws things and becomes violent.
• So after the mental breakdown process I took a walk. I looked at the stars. I did some thinking. I don't think it was a good thing. But I think the best thing I did was not make any phone calls. The reason: I didn't wanna ruin anyone's night. Who am I to ruin the nights of my fellow man just because I'm losing my mind. Just because I'm a borderline depressed fool. Why would I want to ruin the nights of my friends by troubling them with my issues? Who am I to do something like that?
• MY FINAL THOUGHT OF THE NIGHT: It's obvious that I'm not happy. So what do I do, I try to make everyone else happy. Why? Because if I can't be happy why drag everyone else down with you, in hopes that the happy people around you will pick you up. Friendship is a team effort. I've had this conversation a zillion times with a certain friend of mine who I hold closely. They say I need to make myself happy, which I agree. However since it seems not in the Cards to do so then why not make someone else happy. Why not? I'm all about the greater good. It's why I do the things I do. Why be selfish? There have been plenty of times where I could have ruined good things for other people by being selfish and I didn't. And where did it get me....here, depressed, alone and sad. Makes me wonder what I've done with my life. It makes me think about what I've done here at SIU. It makes me think about if the last year of college is a failure or not. Or if my whole SIU experience as a whole has been a failure. All I know that in my head there are devestating things that if they ever got into the wrong hands could mean very bad things. It's why I keep my mouth shut, for the greater good.

That's all for tonight folks. I don't know what else to post. I really wish I had internet all weekend so I could post these things on the fly, make it a shorter read for the peeps. Well I'm off to bed. Goodnight from Carbondale!

1. Oh, and another thing. A conversation if I may: "You know what Lu, you might be cursed. Heck your curse might be a little side curse of the Billy Goat curse. You might be on to something there. But look at it like this. We all know the Cubs are cursed except the Cubs. Though they DO know that they're cursed they play through it. They don't complain, they don't bitch they just play through it in hopes that by accident they can break the curse. You don't play through it, not anymore at least. You wait for the other shoe to drop. You let the black cat do its thing. You let the goat do its thing. You let Bartman do his thing and yes so did the Cubs but they tried fighting through it. You Lu have quit. You were in the on deck circle when the black cat came and instead of heading to the plate you ran from your opportunity. You let Steve Bartman take that ball away from you. You didn't pull an Alou! You didn't jump for it. You let Bartman take it from you. And then you let the Marlins take away everything you ever wanted and left you in the cold, alone....so close and yet so far. 5 OUTS AWAY. You need to play through it. Yes you might be cursed. So are the Cubs at least they try to fight through what's holding them back. You have just given up." Sums it up there for ya doesn't it.
   

From The Heart of the Heart Broken

WARNING: I'm pissed off and I'm drunk. Now, on with the show.

• So I watched the HBO special on the Cubs tonight. It turned into a great drinking game where I drank six beers in a 40 minute span. I wrote what the baseball part of me thought in my Cubs blog @ http://mydamncubbies.blogspot.com. But personally I can't let go. I was on the verge of tears when they talked about the 2003 team. When they played that Bartman footage, everything replayed in my head. Everything from that day. It's sad that I can retrace EVERY footstep of that day. I point to that day in specific as the day my life turned out for the worst. People say that losing their virginity is "their loss of innosence." For me, games 6 and 7 of the 2003 of the NLCS was worse than the worst experience I've ever had. That took my innocence. That took my childhood from me. That jilted me forever. I mean it kills me just thinking about what could have been. It makes me want to cry now that I'm just letting it all go on paper here. It's so hurtful. It's so painful.
• And only Cub fans really feel my pain, but no one SPECIFICALLY feels MY pain. Because I am the Cubs. The curse transfers over to me. And to think for years I pointed at a "cursed e-mail." Nope, it's just a branch effect of the Billy Goat. It explains my fear of Black Cats. It explains my quote in which I compared myself to the hated Tribune Corporation "I'm competitive until the price goes up." I am the Cubs. And I hate it. I hate myself. I truly do. I hate that I embody the Cubs. A cursed, choke artist who is a feel good story that you want to cheer for and you hope the best for but in the end you know what's going to happen. You know that somehow the Cubs are gonna blow it in the 9th. You know that 9 game lead will eventually diminish. You know the Cubs will trade some potential All-Star for a washed up ballplayer. You know that in the end the Cubs will not be the champion. Just like you know that Lu will eventually choke. You know will get to a point and then it will be all downhill from there. You know that Lu's competitive until someone with a bigger offer that isn't necessarily the best comes in and takes what Lu wants away from him. In the end Lu will choke. In the end the Cubs will choke. In the end Lu will be the loser. In the end the Cubs will be the loser. In the end, both of us will still be waiting for next year.

All I want is one chance. That's all I ever wanted. Yes I choked, yes I've failed and yes I live in misery. But I believe I've earned my one shot. Will I get it, ever? Who knows. To be honest, probably not. I'll be living with it hanging over my head for years upon years. Like Brock for Broglio, I'll be constantly reminded of my stupidity. Like 1969, 1984 and 2003 I will be constnatly reminded of how close I was but in the end still came up a little too short. Choke artist is something that I might never shake off. And that is a scary thought.

Good night from Carbondale, maybe I can sleep this off.