- Let's get the good news out of the way first. BULLS WIN! BULLS WIN! BULLS WIN! The Bulls played well in Miami, but not well enough and in crucial game 2, they handed it to the Heat and it was great to watch!!!! Ben Gordon (aka B-Geezy) was fire, Andres Nocioni was fire, Luol Deng was ill, it was just a fun basketball game to watch. And on top of that, the defense showed up. Here's hoping they show up for game 4 and beyond. It actually felt good to see Michael Jordan, His Airness himself, in the building actively cheering on the Bulls. I wish he'd be more active in recruiting all-stars to the Bulls. I think he's back because the cancer of the organization AKA Jerry Krause is gone. For a while I've wanted to talk about the Bulls draft/Free agency this summer, but not while the playoffs are still going on with the Bulls in them. LET'S GO BULLS!!!
- Other good news: last weekend was pretty good. I got to spend good quality time with some friends, family and a lot of good ol' fashioned relaxing time. I also led UNC to three final fours and 1 national championship in my college hoops 2k6 and the team I left was a #2 seed going into the tourney, so I'll be looking forward to that.
- Alright, now to the sappy part of the blog. I'm really tired of these lonely Carbondale nights. I was randomly laying in bed just laying there in silence and I was thinking to myself "it'd be nice if someone was laying here with me, talking or whatever." That'd be nice, however as I think about it the school year is almost over. 10 school days left until I'm off to St. Louis for the weekend and then starting May 15th is the always highly anticipated "Summer of Chi." As I think about it, the whole lonely night thing isn't gonna change any time soon when I'm back at home. Maybe it'll be the comfort of 98.7 FM classical music station playing in the background as I sleep. Or the queen size bed that's in my room that I can sprawl all over. I don't know what it is, but I must say I've had some comfortable sleep since I've been back in Carbondale. It's because I'm rested for the stretch run. But back to what I was saying, I'm sick of it. And really I have no one to blame but myself. Really it's just bad timing and bad execution. This year I've seen every girl I've "crushed over" get a boyfriend, and no that boyfriend wasn't me. I've seen opportunities come and go and in the end I'm stuck where I started the year, heck, where I've been for years. I sometimes wish I was more active with girls in high school, I never figured I had anything to offer them. I feel the same way about girls while I'm here. The whole "nice guy"/"friend" routine just don't cut it here in Carbondale. I wonder sometimes if I'm cut out for college life. I think that my personality clashes with what girls want, especially college girls. I'm nearly back in that frame of mind in which I don't know what I want anymore. In the beginning I didn't know, then I got to a point where I knew what I wanted but I let that opportunity go and now I'm back to the "I don't know what I want" mindset. Well, it's more like I know what I want, I just don't know where to get it, and if I did know where to get it, I don't know how I'd go about getting it. People say I've had my chances and that I just haven't taken advantage of them. I guess I'm not good at taking advantage of those situations. I don't know what's wrong with me. To quote Jason Biggs character 'Jim' from American Pie "Maybe that part is just missing from my brain" and he's talking about that whole talking to girls part. I seriously think I can attest to that being gone from my brain. I just want to be loved. I know my family loves me, and my friends love me, but that's a different kind of love. The thing is, I never got that "puppy love" that shit you go through in grammar school. I never had that "high school sweetheart" that I can always say "that was the one" while reminiscing. And now I'm in college, where a majority of people who didn't meet their "one and only" in high school, come to meet their mate. Unless a miracle happens in the next two weeks, these first two years of college might as well have been thrown down the drain. Sure, I'm a year wiser, yet I feel like I'm still a year behind the game. In fact upon further review I'm two phases behind the game. I'll kinda feel bad for my first girlfriend, that's a lot of pressure for her, let alone the pressure I'll have to not screw up. Heck, I get butterflies just thinking about it. You know what it is, it's the whole college virgin thing that still bothers me. Sometimes I can't help but to feel like the only one there. Sometimes the Cam'ron line "the last hope is me" just randomly runs through my head and then I think "hey, the last of the college virgins." Well, at least in my friend circle. I've heard some of the more devoted college virgins go down, and it's not like I'm even one of those "I want to wait unitl marriage" virgins, I just don't want it to be with some random hoesbag that I'll regret doing it with. Some people would call me picky and just say get it over with, some applaud my patience, some do both. Now that's a confusing situation. I think the more that others have sex around me, the more critical I become of the act itself, and the more I turn into the 40 year-old virgin. And deep down within me, it's not even about sex, it's about love. And as corny as that sounds, it's true to the core. I want to be able to tell someone I love them and mean it and have them say that back. Heck, let's scale it down to the point in which someone can care about me in the same way in which I care about them. My stress and stuff comes from that deep pit of me, the part of me that feels unloved and that wants to be loved. The part that is envious of every happy couple, every happy ending, and every love song and love story. It's the part that's the cynic that doesn't believe that will ever happen to me. And in the end, who knows what the fuck is up. And despite all the crushes I've had and currently have I have nothing to show for it. Despite all the "opportunities" I've had, I have been unable to cash any of them in. It's late and I'm tired and a good night kiss would be welcome now, instead I'll just dream for another day.
Friday, April 28, 2006
Long Time No Blog
Wow, it's been a while, but rather than fill you in with old news and stuff that happened in the last week or so, I'll go to tonights pressing issues:
Thursday, April 20, 2006
Weekend Vacation!
I'll be gone from posting unless something MAJOR happens this weekend because I'm taking a vacation. There was drama the other day, but whatever we're passed that so I won't get into it. I'm hoping a good weekend is in store for me. In any case, I'll end up sad in the end, because I have to come back to carbondale... holla peeps!!!
Tuesday, April 18, 2006
Rough Day In Carbondale All Around
As I seemingly count down the days until I go on a brief weekend home in Chicago which starts Thursday, I took a rough one in Carbondale today. I was up until 4 am studying for two tests and putting the finishing touches on a paper that was due later in the day. The first test was a rough one, it was really important that I passed and I don't think I did well. If my fears end up being confirmed, I'm really going to have to Ace the final to end up with a C. The second test wasn't as bad, I was a bit confused for some of the multiple choice questions, but I think I nailed the very important essay question. I hope it puts my grade over the top into the solid, mid-B range. My third class was interesting because I turned in my paper and I just realized it was supposed to be 5 pages, not 4. I really could have embellished more and added more, but truth be told I was too tired to add anymore. It'll probably be bad, here's hoping my teacher takes pity on me and let's me revise it.
And despite all that, I had a pretty good day. I was in a pretty good mood, I even got an Easter treat from my godmother who I MUST call as soon as I can tomorrow. I got back to the room, awkward moment cuz I just swung open the door and I noticed my iron was missing from the end lounge but then I realized it was hiding. However my roommie wouldn't let me in the room right away, he was really keeping me out of there. Because of the way he was acting, I was assured his girlfriend was in there and I was pretty sure that had I just walked in as I usually would have, I woulda seen something that I probably wasn't supposed to see. So anyways, that wasn't much of an issue, awkward it was though. It woulda made sense though, loud music and all, but the door was unlocked....hey you're asking for it if the doors gonna be unlocked.
So anyways we watched a bit of the unrated 40 year old virgin to catch some of the differences between the rated and unrated versions. We picked up his girl from class and she was in a pretty ticked off mood, I really don't know why, but whatever. Went to Wal-Mart, it was a pretty quiet ride each way, once again feeling awkward cuz I felt like they were gonna fight. Granted it'd be a "what else is new" situation but whatever, I'm used to it, I deal. So we got back and watched 40 year-old virgin, the rest of it as I talked to my sister about the whole bipolar/manic depressive issue. She really talked me through it. I might seek some type of help if I can't figure things out on my own, it's probably a good idea, I just don't wanna tell my mom because I don't want her any more worried about me than she already is and I don't wanna be wasting her money if a doctor thinks I'm fine.
Note that I stated that earlier in the day I was fine. However that was to change. Sometime after the 40 year-old virgin ended things got weird. Hoos and Alicia were being couply and peeps know how it makes me feel to be around couples, but they weren't being horrible so I was dealing well. Our friend Charrelle was there, she was talking about wanting to visit her ex and how she was feeling and blah! blah! girl talk blah! blah! There was plenty of sex talk, which once again is a topic that really bothers me to talk about, you know being a virgin and all. Funny I mention it though because the two girls in the room were staunch virgins until each of them had a "what had happened was..." moment with their boyfriends, whatever. All that said, things built up in me and I wasn't feeling well. So we went to eat at Don Taco and we were talking about Charrelle going to see her ex and this is what I think set me off. We were talking and Hoos said "well if you go see him, i don't wanna hear how horrible of a person he is later" and her response was "don't worry i go to lu for that because he's sensitive about that kinda stuff" and then the three of them at the same time say the classic 40 Year-old virgin line "you know how I know you're gay..." Which immediately brought back the whole peeps thinking I'm gay thing and the comment from some people that basically call me "a girls gay best friend." Then I just became bitter and snippy and really they didn't know what was up and I didn't know what happened until I was able to analyze what was going on. That was what set me off, then what SENT me off was the couple being couply. I think my roommie heard me as I muttered under my breathe "If I only had a rope" to the tune of "If I only had a brain..." yeah I was pissed, nothing makes me more uncomfortable than them two. What pisses me off is that she has a single room and I know that this is his room too, but really, why inconvenience ME when she lives in a single room RIGHT ACROSS THE FUCKING HALL!!!! So basically I snapped. Last year, my snapping consisted of hitting my roommate with things and tearing up the room. I like to think that I've matured since last year so I grabbed my phone and my I-pod and went on a walk. Ended up at my future roommate's place where I explained to him the situation. He didn't readily take sides, but if he did I think he took mine because he really saw where I was coming from which was cool because I try to talk to my roomie about it, but he's such a selfish person sometimes he just doesn't get it. I even brought up to my future roomie about last week and he and I were basically in the same boat. Sure they both said "you don't have to leave" but it wasn't like either of them made a concerted effort to keep me from leaving. And on top of that the whole "you don't have to leave thing" is something that covers your own ass that they can use as a cop out even though if I didn't have to leave, nothing would have been happening in the first place. I don't know who initiated it, but I don't really care because it happened and it bothers me and inconvenienced me and really I didn't get anything but a half-hearted apology. It just makes me wonder about people sometimes. I really have trust in no one, I'm convinced that most of the people around me are so full of themselves, so full of shit whatever, it's not worth being stressed over. But back to my guys place we go where he respected me, even when his gf was chillin with him he told her to ease up because "this is the stuff why lu is here now." That was cool. You know what it is RESPECT!!!!!! That's what my current roommie is lacking, RESPECT!!!!! So after a few games of MLB 2005, I walked back home in the Carbondale night.
So I've come to a conclusion. I can point out where some of that stress I'm going through is coming from. Ladies and gentlemen, I circle 1437 Mae Smith as an issue for me. The bullshit I take from Kevin. The fact that I'm either constantly around them or they're constantly around me just bugs the crap out of me, especially when they're acting couply and I've approached them about it, and they say that they'll change but they don't, it's the same shit different day. ANd then I find myself in the middle of their arguments and I guess in this case I am the "gay best friend." Really, if I can somehow eliminate that from my life things can get better. Heck I honestly feel it now, I feel more tense around them than other times. Could that have been an issue at the dance? Who knows, I have plenty of issues, the two of them and the way they act around me and the fact that they themselves make me insecure is not good for my health. And to think, Kevin said he was gonna hook me up with her. *sighs* maybe that's why he set me up with the internet girl. Whatever, as Coach Ditka once said "The past is for losers and cowards." I need to somehow leave my past behind me and spring forward and leave the bullshit out of my life.
Oh how I am looking forward to this weekend. A weekend in which I wanted to spend some quality time with a good friend of mine who's booked for the weekend. Talk about my fucking luck!
AND ANOTHER THING...
The more and more that I forget things when I'm writing the blog, the more I love the "And Another Thing... segment." So here's tonight's "And Another Thing..." moment. It was quite a random moment I must say, that's why it's still currently sticking out in my mind. My crush from last year called my roommie, asked about me and said hi to me through my roommate. My intial reaction "Hi, and I miss you." Hope she didn't take it the wrong way. Still can't get her out of my mind sometimes, even though now she has a boyfriend. I know, sounds kinda desperate, but I had feelings and I let my insecurities get the best of me last year. Heh, what else is new, my insecurities keeping me down. Well I had to get that off my chest, peaces folks!
And despite all that, I had a pretty good day. I was in a pretty good mood, I even got an Easter treat from my godmother who I MUST call as soon as I can tomorrow. I got back to the room, awkward moment cuz I just swung open the door and I noticed my iron was missing from the end lounge but then I realized it was hiding. However my roommie wouldn't let me in the room right away, he was really keeping me out of there. Because of the way he was acting, I was assured his girlfriend was in there and I was pretty sure that had I just walked in as I usually would have, I woulda seen something that I probably wasn't supposed to see. So anyways, that wasn't much of an issue, awkward it was though. It woulda made sense though, loud music and all, but the door was unlocked....hey you're asking for it if the doors gonna be unlocked.
So anyways we watched a bit of the unrated 40 year old virgin to catch some of the differences between the rated and unrated versions. We picked up his girl from class and she was in a pretty ticked off mood, I really don't know why, but whatever. Went to Wal-Mart, it was a pretty quiet ride each way, once again feeling awkward cuz I felt like they were gonna fight. Granted it'd be a "what else is new" situation but whatever, I'm used to it, I deal. So we got back and watched 40 year-old virgin, the rest of it as I talked to my sister about the whole bipolar/manic depressive issue. She really talked me through it. I might seek some type of help if I can't figure things out on my own, it's probably a good idea, I just don't wanna tell my mom because I don't want her any more worried about me than she already is and I don't wanna be wasting her money if a doctor thinks I'm fine.
Note that I stated that earlier in the day I was fine. However that was to change. Sometime after the 40 year-old virgin ended things got weird. Hoos and Alicia were being couply and peeps know how it makes me feel to be around couples, but they weren't being horrible so I was dealing well. Our friend Charrelle was there, she was talking about wanting to visit her ex and how she was feeling and blah! blah! girl talk blah! blah! There was plenty of sex talk, which once again is a topic that really bothers me to talk about, you know being a virgin and all. Funny I mention it though because the two girls in the room were staunch virgins until each of them had a "what had happened was..." moment with their boyfriends, whatever. All that said, things built up in me and I wasn't feeling well. So we went to eat at Don Taco and we were talking about Charrelle going to see her ex and this is what I think set me off. We were talking and Hoos said "well if you go see him, i don't wanna hear how horrible of a person he is later" and her response was "don't worry i go to lu for that because he's sensitive about that kinda stuff" and then the three of them at the same time say the classic 40 Year-old virgin line "you know how I know you're gay..." Which immediately brought back the whole peeps thinking I'm gay thing and the comment from some people that basically call me "a girls gay best friend." Then I just became bitter and snippy and really they didn't know what was up and I didn't know what happened until I was able to analyze what was going on. That was what set me off, then what SENT me off was the couple being couply. I think my roommie heard me as I muttered under my breathe "If I only had a rope" to the tune of "If I only had a brain..." yeah I was pissed, nothing makes me more uncomfortable than them two. What pisses me off is that she has a single room and I know that this is his room too, but really, why inconvenience ME when she lives in a single room RIGHT ACROSS THE FUCKING HALL!!!! So basically I snapped. Last year, my snapping consisted of hitting my roommate with things and tearing up the room. I like to think that I've matured since last year so I grabbed my phone and my I-pod and went on a walk. Ended up at my future roommate's place where I explained to him the situation. He didn't readily take sides, but if he did I think he took mine because he really saw where I was coming from which was cool because I try to talk to my roomie about it, but he's such a selfish person sometimes he just doesn't get it. I even brought up to my future roomie about last week and he and I were basically in the same boat. Sure they both said "you don't have to leave" but it wasn't like either of them made a concerted effort to keep me from leaving. And on top of that the whole "you don't have to leave thing" is something that covers your own ass that they can use as a cop out even though if I didn't have to leave, nothing would have been happening in the first place. I don't know who initiated it, but I don't really care because it happened and it bothers me and inconvenienced me and really I didn't get anything but a half-hearted apology. It just makes me wonder about people sometimes. I really have trust in no one, I'm convinced that most of the people around me are so full of themselves, so full of shit whatever, it's not worth being stressed over. But back to my guys place we go where he respected me, even when his gf was chillin with him he told her to ease up because "this is the stuff why lu is here now." That was cool. You know what it is RESPECT!!!!!! That's what my current roommie is lacking, RESPECT!!!!! So after a few games of MLB 2005, I walked back home in the Carbondale night.
So I've come to a conclusion. I can point out where some of that stress I'm going through is coming from. Ladies and gentlemen, I circle 1437 Mae Smith as an issue for me. The bullshit I take from Kevin. The fact that I'm either constantly around them or they're constantly around me just bugs the crap out of me, especially when they're acting couply and I've approached them about it, and they say that they'll change but they don't, it's the same shit different day. ANd then I find myself in the middle of their arguments and I guess in this case I am the "gay best friend." Really, if I can somehow eliminate that from my life things can get better. Heck I honestly feel it now, I feel more tense around them than other times. Could that have been an issue at the dance? Who knows, I have plenty of issues, the two of them and the way they act around me and the fact that they themselves make me insecure is not good for my health. And to think, Kevin said he was gonna hook me up with her. *sighs* maybe that's why he set me up with the internet girl. Whatever, as Coach Ditka once said "The past is for losers and cowards." I need to somehow leave my past behind me and spring forward and leave the bullshit out of my life.
Oh how I am looking forward to this weekend. A weekend in which I wanted to spend some quality time with a good friend of mine who's booked for the weekend. Talk about my fucking luck!
AND ANOTHER THING...
The more and more that I forget things when I'm writing the blog, the more I love the "And Another Thing... segment." So here's tonight's "And Another Thing..." moment. It was quite a random moment I must say, that's why it's still currently sticking out in my mind. My crush from last year called my roommie, asked about me and said hi to me through my roommate. My intial reaction "Hi, and I miss you." Hope she didn't take it the wrong way. Still can't get her out of my mind sometimes, even though now she has a boyfriend. I know, sounds kinda desperate, but I had feelings and I let my insecurities get the best of me last year. Heh, what else is new, my insecurities keeping me down. Well I had to get that off my chest, peaces folks!
Monday, April 17, 2006
Weekend's Over, time to get to work
Well this is a late post for my standards. Happy belated Easter to the peeps that read this. I enjoyed my easter a bit. My dinner that I made myself was delicious and worth cooking. It made me happy. I also talked to a lot of my family today (DOH! I forgot to call my father like I said I would). But it feels good to be me today. I woke up this morning, finished the rest of the unrated version of the 40 year old virgin. Then I watched the Bulls clinch a playoff spot (which I will get to talking about in a little bit) then I made myself my dinner for the night and got cracking on studying on my two quizzes tomorrow and my paper due tomorrow. I'm really looking forward to going home this weekend. It'll just be me and my mom, so we'll see how things go. It will be quite a relaxing weekend for me, which I am totally looking forward to. I've been thinking that I'm gonna shut myself off from the world of Carbondale this up coming weekend. Meaning no calls to Hoos, Alicia, Steve, Kristin and the others. I'll be enjoying the city to the best of my abilities, hoping to find inspiration for this final run of the school year. I'll also be looking to get in touch with my city roots for a bit. It'll be a much appreciated change of scenery when I get to the city. I'm thinking about wearing my suit home, just so I look good and its one less thing I carry with me on the train, cuz I'll be carrying a suitcase and a carry-on of other goodies. Today, unlike yesterday, I'm riding a high, in fact I was riding a high all day. Who knows how to explain that, but I don't care. Here's hoping to some happy days ahead for Lu!!!
THE BULLS ARE IN THE PLAYOFFS AGAIN, and for the first time in consecutive years since the Jordan era. Here's hoping that sometime soon the Bulls can put an end to the additon of the mentioning of the Jordan era every time they talk about the Bulls and the playoffs. The've got themselves a nice core of players with Hinrich, Gordon and Deng with a supporting cast of Nocioni, Chandler, Sweetney, Harrington, Malik Allen, Chris Duhon and others. Here's hoping with that top-4 pick they get from the Knicks they get a big scorer like Adam Morrison, or a polished big-man like Lamarcus Aldridge. And with that mid-level pick on a bench shooter like (gulp!) JJ Redick or Mike Gansey, a slashing/scoring point guard like UConn's Marcus Williams, a legit big-man like Hilton Armstrong, an adept rebounder like Paul Millsap, or a guy like Kevin Pittsnogle. All I know is somehow, someway the Bulls need a way to get either Marquette's Steve Novak or UConn's Rashad Anderson (or both!) I'll take both over some of the Bulls options off the bench right now. Maybe next year/in the offseason they can get a big time player through trade like Kevin Garnett or Jermaine O'Neal. Or through free agency like Al Harrington. A line-up with O'Neal, Harrington, Deng, Gordon and Hinrich could be good. Maybe a guy like Morrison, Aldridge, Armstrong, Millsap or Shelden Williams off the bench I'd like an impactful draft pick.
THE THING I'M MOST EXCITED about when it comes to Bulls playoff basketball is that they get to bust out the black shoes again. The Sun-Times fashion expert dissed them last year, but its tradition and its badass, and basketball fashionistas agree that black shoes are in when it comes to the ballas. Fo' real!!!
THE BULLS ARE IN THE PLAYOFFS AGAIN, and for the first time in consecutive years since the Jordan era. Here's hoping that sometime soon the Bulls can put an end to the additon of the mentioning of the Jordan era every time they talk about the Bulls and the playoffs. The've got themselves a nice core of players with Hinrich, Gordon and Deng with a supporting cast of Nocioni, Chandler, Sweetney, Harrington, Malik Allen, Chris Duhon and others. Here's hoping with that top-4 pick they get from the Knicks they get a big scorer like Adam Morrison, or a polished big-man like Lamarcus Aldridge. And with that mid-level pick on a bench shooter like (gulp!) JJ Redick or Mike Gansey, a slashing/scoring point guard like UConn's Marcus Williams, a legit big-man like Hilton Armstrong, an adept rebounder like Paul Millsap, or a guy like Kevin Pittsnogle. All I know is somehow, someway the Bulls need a way to get either Marquette's Steve Novak or UConn's Rashad Anderson (or both!) I'll take both over some of the Bulls options off the bench right now. Maybe next year/in the offseason they can get a big time player through trade like Kevin Garnett or Jermaine O'Neal. Or through free agency like Al Harrington. A line-up with O'Neal, Harrington, Deng, Gordon and Hinrich could be good. Maybe a guy like Morrison, Aldridge, Armstrong, Millsap or Shelden Williams off the bench I'd like an impactful draft pick.
THE THING I'M MOST EXCITED about when it comes to Bulls playoff basketball is that they get to bust out the black shoes again. The Sun-Times fashion expert dissed them last year, but its tradition and its badass, and basketball fashionistas agree that black shoes are in when it comes to the ballas. Fo' real!!!
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