Settling Things

1st "official" post since I've been home. And by official I mean I'm actually sitting at the computer and THINKING about what I'm writing. Which brings me to tonights topic. THINKING. After a wild night freshman year and nursing a hangover the next morning my old roommate and I had a slurred conversation. I don't remember much, heck I don't remember the conversation except for a line that still resonates to this day. Something to the extent of "Drinking isn't a problem, THINKING is!" It could be that thinking while drinking is the problem, but let's look at THINKING as a sole property. Thoughts get people in trouble, especially when acted upon. I think now that I am home those thoughts that kept me up all night are just after thoughts right now. Little things haven't bothered me, that's a good thing. I'm just trying to get things settled in my life. Whether it be my personal life, whether it be school, whatever it is I just want to make everything well. I've had a HORRIBLE school year. Coupled with just a year of bad luck when it comes to personal stuff and yeah its bothersome. But when those summer winds call they seemingly blow my problems away. My insecurities, eh, they're still there, but they aren't overwhelming me to the point of me getting bent out of shape about them.
And here's tonights inspiration. And of all places it comes from the Cubs. Suprised or not, that's where it comes from. As everyone and their dog knows I'm the worlds biggest Cubs fan. I know a lot people say it, but a lot of my heart and soul goes into the support for that team. Good or bad, I've been through the worst and I've been through times that were good too. So, beyond that this is my thought. I've been listening to this team that is going through a major slump and it's depressing. What's depressing about it is that they're not taking it like men. There's always an excuse somewhere. It's an injury here, a bad call there and in the end all you really have to do is go to the top for answers. I hear the manager talking about "Just wait til things even out" or "the calls just aren't going our way." Then I think about myself, and sometimes that's all I think about. I think about the negatives, too much in fact. Sometimes things don't even out, unless you do something about it. Calls not going your way, well change the approach. Sounds good in principle, but whatever, it's just thoughts. I'm sick and tired of being sick and tired and I'm ready for a change.
This summer is the beginning. I'm on a diet. A serious diet. A diet in which starting Monday and goes until my birthday (July 1st) in which I'm not drinking soda pop, drinking alcohol or eating sweets or junk food. I'm replacing pop and booze with water and juice. And junk food with a sandwich, or maybe some fruit if I can find some. I plan on exercising too. I have an exercise bike downstairs. On top of that every time my parents send me to the store, instead of driving I'll walk. Little things count!
And in the end, I just want to feel good. I want to be happy. It's weird. I got people in my ear telling me to party it up while you can. I got others saying to slow down. Sometimes I don't even know what to do. I think my best option would be to listen to the good influences, ignore the bad ones and just move forward each day because all I can do is control the current day.
Revolutionary thought: no. However this lil' blog session almost served as a "getting things off my chest" thing. It felt good. More to come later, maybe.

Last Post of the School Year

So much to do with so little time I thought I'd just drop people a line to say thanks for reading, thanks for watching and a final good night from Carbondale! Here's to a better year next year and a potentially amazing summer ahead. The new Lu starts Monday May 15th, which marks my return home. It should be a return that goes for the best :-)

F-F-F-FINALS!!!!

Well folks, this is the beginning of the end and there's no one happier to hear those words than myself. There's so much down time during finals week, I can't help but reflect on not only this semester, but this school year as a whole. I love reflecting about things. I usually use that time to see the good and the bad that I did and analyze the year.
Well I guess I can start with that a lil' bit now. This year has been inconsistant to say the least. It's been up and down and it's just been pretty bad. Sometimes I'm happy, sometimes I'm sad. I've had good days and bad days. I've had the week from hell and the week that was completely blessed. It's just been weird to say the least. There have been times where I've wanted to just drop out of school. Other times I wouldn't want to get away from this place. Anyways, I'm gonna leave sometime, so I guess I could look forward to it.
I don't look forward to finals however. Why? Because F.I.N.A.L.S. stands for Fuck I Never Actually Learned Shit!!! I got three finals tomorrow. Two of them I desperately need to ace. One of those is an essay quiz so I'm a bit worried about that. The other one is geography, the class I rarely attended because I didn't learn from the instructor as well as I did from the book. My grade might suffer from it, but my mental stability won't. I have a final in race and ethnics tomorrow around 6 pm. That one I studied most of the day for. I'm shooting for a B in the class and would be quite attainable if I do really well on this test here. I've gotten a B on the last two tests. My missed week of class will hurt because I missed quizzes that couldn't be made up. I'm still hoping for the best. I have one cumulative final on Thursday around 8 AM which I haven't sniffed 8 AM in the longest of other times. I'm not a big fan of cumulative finals because they cover a whole semesters worth of work. Which means I have to go into my mental rolodex and go back ALL THE WAY BACK to mid January. Seems like ages ago. I guess that's just preparation for the future when I need to use my long term memory beyond 5 months.
Beyond finals and the whole educational thing its the last time I'll be with all my college peeps at the same time. In a sense I'll miss the college life for a little bit. I'll miss some of the parties, I'll miss going to $5 concerts at the bars. Stuff like that I'll miss. I won't miss drama, stupid people, drunks, walking down 14 flights of stairs because of a fire drill, I won't miss being awaken by our pothead suitemates whether it be the dijereedoo or them shooting off snot rockets. Stuff like that, I'll live happily without.
And then there's a part of me that looks forward to next year. Yet another fresh start on campus, yet the thing I'm looking forward to is living off campus. An apartment with two of the guys. A place off campus where there aren't fire drills, RAs, campus police and most of all...DRAMA! And oh yeah, my own room. No roommate!!!!
Though I can't complain much, it's not like first semester freshman year where I had roommate issues. In general, Kevin's been a pretty good roommate. Minus the lack of cleaning sometimes, the ignorance he displays sometimes, oh and the fact he's a Duke fan. Beyond that he's been a pretty good friend and a pretty decent roommate. Next year, I'll have housemates, NO ROOMMATES!
After a depressing year of women issues I'm looking forward to getting back on the block. I'm done looking in the past (as of now of course, I might have said this before). Seriously, I need to let all that go and move on with my life and look to make successes out of what were my past faiures. This was part of along conversation last night. One that took place at 5 am nonetheless. It was that whole "love" and what I wanted and stuff like that. So I'm thinking about love and I think it's more like a mathematical equation. It's difficult to solve, yet once you solve it you look back on it and try to figure out why something so simple was so difficult in the first place. On top of that you know what you want in the end, but you need things to make the equation complete and true. In the end, I just want to be happy. I'm tired of sitting on the sidelines. Eventually I'll find someone, but you can't find someone if you're not out there looking. I saw a nice quote today that said "Don't frown, because you never know when someone is going to fall in love with your smile." Very deep. Also the Tony Soprano quote from earlier in the year "Every day's a blessing, and I'm going to treat it as so." I guess that's a nice way to put it.
I'm done for tonight. Enjoy and wish me luck this week.

And in the end...

...I went home. Soon enough, I'll make like the Kanye/Common song and I'll be on 'My Way Home.' And I'll be happy initially. I'll be glad to be back in the city I love, back in my wonderful queen size bed and I won't be worried about waking up and going to class. I won't be worrying about notes, studying and reviewing. I won't be worrying about trueblood, grinnell, wise guys, quatros...and the beat goes on. I won't be worrying about what I say and who's around when I say it because I'll be home. I won't be worrying about being a third wheel, awkward moments, the small-time pressures of being a college student none of that. I won't have to worry about who's sleeping where, because in the end I'll either be in my room or in my basement. I won't be thinking about "what am i gonna do this weekend" because I won't be wanting to get wasted. I won't be out looking for random pieces of ass. I won't be drinking myself into a drunken stuper in which I drunk dial girls, think depressive thoughts and end up puking my brains out. I'll be home and I'll be happy. But then I'll miss my college friends. I'll miss late night chats, movie nights, party weekends and stories from the night before. I'll miss "hey, you hungry? wanna order some food?" Most of all, I'll probably miss watching Viva La Sex on Sunday's, watching ESPNEWS because there was nothing else on TV except the same sports stories from last night, re-runs of the Sopranos on Wednesday. And in the end, when it hits about mid-July or early-August, I'll want to go back to Carbondale. Because I'll be sick of my parents. Sick of working. Sick of being bored on the weekends because (fill in answer here.)
Sounds familiar doesn't it. I'm sick of Carbondale because I'm sick of classes, sick of being mired in shit, tired of being me. It sounds like a cycle from hell.
SO ON WITH TODAYS THINGS:
I got to be on TV today. SWEET! I was on closed circuit, campus television show Viva La Sex. And I know what you're thinking. The virgin, on a sex show, how? Well, I wasn't the only one, the co-host, who's a friend of mine is also a virgin. I actually said while on the show "America, are you ready for two virgins on one sex show?" I was nervous, but after the second switch, things went well, and I hit a bit of a stride. Its easier to rip into the show when you're not watching it. Actually the show went really well, and I'm not just saying that because I was on it. I'll be back Tuesday when they do tryouts for next year.
Had a nice little conversation tonight about wishes, dreams and love. Personally I have my own views on the topic that have been skewed by past experiences and things of that nature. To me wishes don't come true. A wish is something distant that you wish that under the best circumstances would come true. Unlikely, but anything will happen that can supposedly. Dreams are extremely distant wishes. Dreams are extended goals that are attainable under the right circumstance. Dreams are much more attainable than wishes. Wishes seem like they need some type of star-crossed path to get across what is wanted to be achieved. And love. Oh good ole love. How do you define love? Haddaway actually posed the question in a song: what is love? So what is love? Some people say that it's not defineable. Some would define it. Some would rather not. Personally to me love is something that I can't put a finger on. Why, well maybe it's because I can't/haven't found love. To me though, love is a fraud. I defined love as an 'imaginary concept' because it can't be defined and as a few people put it "I don't know what it is, but I know it when I see it." Which coincidentally is the US Supreme Court's definition of "obscenity."
So in the end: wishes don't come true, dreams are seemingly unattainable goals and love is just an imaginary concept.
That's just my opinion, and I'll stick to it until further notice or I get a reason to change it.