Thursday, April 20, 2006
Weekend Vacation!
I'll be gone from posting unless something MAJOR happens this weekend because I'm taking a vacation. There was drama the other day, but whatever we're passed that so I won't get into it. I'm hoping a good weekend is in store for me. In any case, I'll end up sad in the end, because I have to come back to carbondale... holla peeps!!!
Tuesday, April 18, 2006
Rough Day In Carbondale All Around
As I seemingly count down the days until I go on a brief weekend home in Chicago which starts Thursday, I took a rough one in Carbondale today. I was up until 4 am studying for two tests and putting the finishing touches on a paper that was due later in the day. The first test was a rough one, it was really important that I passed and I don't think I did well. If my fears end up being confirmed, I'm really going to have to Ace the final to end up with a C. The second test wasn't as bad, I was a bit confused for some of the multiple choice questions, but I think I nailed the very important essay question. I hope it puts my grade over the top into the solid, mid-B range. My third class was interesting because I turned in my paper and I just realized it was supposed to be 5 pages, not 4. I really could have embellished more and added more, but truth be told I was too tired to add anymore. It'll probably be bad, here's hoping my teacher takes pity on me and let's me revise it.
And despite all that, I had a pretty good day. I was in a pretty good mood, I even got an Easter treat from my godmother who I MUST call as soon as I can tomorrow. I got back to the room, awkward moment cuz I just swung open the door and I noticed my iron was missing from the end lounge but then I realized it was hiding. However my roommie wouldn't let me in the room right away, he was really keeping me out of there. Because of the way he was acting, I was assured his girlfriend was in there and I was pretty sure that had I just walked in as I usually would have, I woulda seen something that I probably wasn't supposed to see. So anyways, that wasn't much of an issue, awkward it was though. It woulda made sense though, loud music and all, but the door was unlocked....hey you're asking for it if the doors gonna be unlocked.
So anyways we watched a bit of the unrated 40 year old virgin to catch some of the differences between the rated and unrated versions. We picked up his girl from class and she was in a pretty ticked off mood, I really don't know why, but whatever. Went to Wal-Mart, it was a pretty quiet ride each way, once again feeling awkward cuz I felt like they were gonna fight. Granted it'd be a "what else is new" situation but whatever, I'm used to it, I deal. So we got back and watched 40 year-old virgin, the rest of it as I talked to my sister about the whole bipolar/manic depressive issue. She really talked me through it. I might seek some type of help if I can't figure things out on my own, it's probably a good idea, I just don't wanna tell my mom because I don't want her any more worried about me than she already is and I don't wanna be wasting her money if a doctor thinks I'm fine.
Note that I stated that earlier in the day I was fine. However that was to change. Sometime after the 40 year-old virgin ended things got weird. Hoos and Alicia were being couply and peeps know how it makes me feel to be around couples, but they weren't being horrible so I was dealing well. Our friend Charrelle was there, she was talking about wanting to visit her ex and how she was feeling and blah! blah! girl talk blah! blah! There was plenty of sex talk, which once again is a topic that really bothers me to talk about, you know being a virgin and all. Funny I mention it though because the two girls in the room were staunch virgins until each of them had a "what had happened was..." moment with their boyfriends, whatever. All that said, things built up in me and I wasn't feeling well. So we went to eat at Don Taco and we were talking about Charrelle going to see her ex and this is what I think set me off. We were talking and Hoos said "well if you go see him, i don't wanna hear how horrible of a person he is later" and her response was "don't worry i go to lu for that because he's sensitive about that kinda stuff" and then the three of them at the same time say the classic 40 Year-old virgin line "you know how I know you're gay..." Which immediately brought back the whole peeps thinking I'm gay thing and the comment from some people that basically call me "a girls gay best friend." Then I just became bitter and snippy and really they didn't know what was up and I didn't know what happened until I was able to analyze what was going on. That was what set me off, then what SENT me off was the couple being couply. I think my roommie heard me as I muttered under my breathe "If I only had a rope" to the tune of "If I only had a brain..." yeah I was pissed, nothing makes me more uncomfortable than them two. What pisses me off is that she has a single room and I know that this is his room too, but really, why inconvenience ME when she lives in a single room RIGHT ACROSS THE FUCKING HALL!!!! So basically I snapped. Last year, my snapping consisted of hitting my roommate with things and tearing up the room. I like to think that I've matured since last year so I grabbed my phone and my I-pod and went on a walk. Ended up at my future roommate's place where I explained to him the situation. He didn't readily take sides, but if he did I think he took mine because he really saw where I was coming from which was cool because I try to talk to my roomie about it, but he's such a selfish person sometimes he just doesn't get it. I even brought up to my future roomie about last week and he and I were basically in the same boat. Sure they both said "you don't have to leave" but it wasn't like either of them made a concerted effort to keep me from leaving. And on top of that the whole "you don't have to leave thing" is something that covers your own ass that they can use as a cop out even though if I didn't have to leave, nothing would have been happening in the first place. I don't know who initiated it, but I don't really care because it happened and it bothers me and inconvenienced me and really I didn't get anything but a half-hearted apology. It just makes me wonder about people sometimes. I really have trust in no one, I'm convinced that most of the people around me are so full of themselves, so full of shit whatever, it's not worth being stressed over. But back to my guys place we go where he respected me, even when his gf was chillin with him he told her to ease up because "this is the stuff why lu is here now." That was cool. You know what it is RESPECT!!!!!! That's what my current roommie is lacking, RESPECT!!!!! So after a few games of MLB 2005, I walked back home in the Carbondale night.
So I've come to a conclusion. I can point out where some of that stress I'm going through is coming from. Ladies and gentlemen, I circle 1437 Mae Smith as an issue for me. The bullshit I take from Kevin. The fact that I'm either constantly around them or they're constantly around me just bugs the crap out of me, especially when they're acting couply and I've approached them about it, and they say that they'll change but they don't, it's the same shit different day. ANd then I find myself in the middle of their arguments and I guess in this case I am the "gay best friend." Really, if I can somehow eliminate that from my life things can get better. Heck I honestly feel it now, I feel more tense around them than other times. Could that have been an issue at the dance? Who knows, I have plenty of issues, the two of them and the way they act around me and the fact that they themselves make me insecure is not good for my health. And to think, Kevin said he was gonna hook me up with her. *sighs* maybe that's why he set me up with the internet girl. Whatever, as Coach Ditka once said "The past is for losers and cowards." I need to somehow leave my past behind me and spring forward and leave the bullshit out of my life.
Oh how I am looking forward to this weekend. A weekend in which I wanted to spend some quality time with a good friend of mine who's booked for the weekend. Talk about my fucking luck!
AND ANOTHER THING...
The more and more that I forget things when I'm writing the blog, the more I love the "And Another Thing... segment." So here's tonight's "And Another Thing..." moment. It was quite a random moment I must say, that's why it's still currently sticking out in my mind. My crush from last year called my roommie, asked about me and said hi to me through my roommate. My intial reaction "Hi, and I miss you." Hope she didn't take it the wrong way. Still can't get her out of my mind sometimes, even though now she has a boyfriend. I know, sounds kinda desperate, but I had feelings and I let my insecurities get the best of me last year. Heh, what else is new, my insecurities keeping me down. Well I had to get that off my chest, peaces folks!
And despite all that, I had a pretty good day. I was in a pretty good mood, I even got an Easter treat from my godmother who I MUST call as soon as I can tomorrow. I got back to the room, awkward moment cuz I just swung open the door and I noticed my iron was missing from the end lounge but then I realized it was hiding. However my roommie wouldn't let me in the room right away, he was really keeping me out of there. Because of the way he was acting, I was assured his girlfriend was in there and I was pretty sure that had I just walked in as I usually would have, I woulda seen something that I probably wasn't supposed to see. So anyways, that wasn't much of an issue, awkward it was though. It woulda made sense though, loud music and all, but the door was unlocked....hey you're asking for it if the doors gonna be unlocked.
So anyways we watched a bit of the unrated 40 year old virgin to catch some of the differences between the rated and unrated versions. We picked up his girl from class and she was in a pretty ticked off mood, I really don't know why, but whatever. Went to Wal-Mart, it was a pretty quiet ride each way, once again feeling awkward cuz I felt like they were gonna fight. Granted it'd be a "what else is new" situation but whatever, I'm used to it, I deal. So we got back and watched 40 year-old virgin, the rest of it as I talked to my sister about the whole bipolar/manic depressive issue. She really talked me through it. I might seek some type of help if I can't figure things out on my own, it's probably a good idea, I just don't wanna tell my mom because I don't want her any more worried about me than she already is and I don't wanna be wasting her money if a doctor thinks I'm fine.
Note that I stated that earlier in the day I was fine. However that was to change. Sometime after the 40 year-old virgin ended things got weird. Hoos and Alicia were being couply and peeps know how it makes me feel to be around couples, but they weren't being horrible so I was dealing well. Our friend Charrelle was there, she was talking about wanting to visit her ex and how she was feeling and blah! blah! girl talk blah! blah! There was plenty of sex talk, which once again is a topic that really bothers me to talk about, you know being a virgin and all. Funny I mention it though because the two girls in the room were staunch virgins until each of them had a "what had happened was..." moment with their boyfriends, whatever. All that said, things built up in me and I wasn't feeling well. So we went to eat at Don Taco and we were talking about Charrelle going to see her ex and this is what I think set me off. We were talking and Hoos said "well if you go see him, i don't wanna hear how horrible of a person he is later" and her response was "don't worry i go to lu for that because he's sensitive about that kinda stuff" and then the three of them at the same time say the classic 40 Year-old virgin line "you know how I know you're gay..." Which immediately brought back the whole peeps thinking I'm gay thing and the comment from some people that basically call me "a girls gay best friend." Then I just became bitter and snippy and really they didn't know what was up and I didn't know what happened until I was able to analyze what was going on. That was what set me off, then what SENT me off was the couple being couply. I think my roommie heard me as I muttered under my breathe "If I only had a rope" to the tune of "If I only had a brain..." yeah I was pissed, nothing makes me more uncomfortable than them two. What pisses me off is that she has a single room and I know that this is his room too, but really, why inconvenience ME when she lives in a single room RIGHT ACROSS THE FUCKING HALL!!!! So basically I snapped. Last year, my snapping consisted of hitting my roommate with things and tearing up the room. I like to think that I've matured since last year so I grabbed my phone and my I-pod and went on a walk. Ended up at my future roommate's place where I explained to him the situation. He didn't readily take sides, but if he did I think he took mine because he really saw where I was coming from which was cool because I try to talk to my roomie about it, but he's such a selfish person sometimes he just doesn't get it. I even brought up to my future roomie about last week and he and I were basically in the same boat. Sure they both said "you don't have to leave" but it wasn't like either of them made a concerted effort to keep me from leaving. And on top of that the whole "you don't have to leave thing" is something that covers your own ass that they can use as a cop out even though if I didn't have to leave, nothing would have been happening in the first place. I don't know who initiated it, but I don't really care because it happened and it bothers me and inconvenienced me and really I didn't get anything but a half-hearted apology. It just makes me wonder about people sometimes. I really have trust in no one, I'm convinced that most of the people around me are so full of themselves, so full of shit whatever, it's not worth being stressed over. But back to my guys place we go where he respected me, even when his gf was chillin with him he told her to ease up because "this is the stuff why lu is here now." That was cool. You know what it is RESPECT!!!!!! That's what my current roommie is lacking, RESPECT!!!!! So after a few games of MLB 2005, I walked back home in the Carbondale night.
So I've come to a conclusion. I can point out where some of that stress I'm going through is coming from. Ladies and gentlemen, I circle 1437 Mae Smith as an issue for me. The bullshit I take from Kevin. The fact that I'm either constantly around them or they're constantly around me just bugs the crap out of me, especially when they're acting couply and I've approached them about it, and they say that they'll change but they don't, it's the same shit different day. ANd then I find myself in the middle of their arguments and I guess in this case I am the "gay best friend." Really, if I can somehow eliminate that from my life things can get better. Heck I honestly feel it now, I feel more tense around them than other times. Could that have been an issue at the dance? Who knows, I have plenty of issues, the two of them and the way they act around me and the fact that they themselves make me insecure is not good for my health. And to think, Kevin said he was gonna hook me up with her. *sighs* maybe that's why he set me up with the internet girl. Whatever, as Coach Ditka once said "The past is for losers and cowards." I need to somehow leave my past behind me and spring forward and leave the bullshit out of my life.
Oh how I am looking forward to this weekend. A weekend in which I wanted to spend some quality time with a good friend of mine who's booked for the weekend. Talk about my fucking luck!
AND ANOTHER THING...
The more and more that I forget things when I'm writing the blog, the more I love the "And Another Thing... segment." So here's tonight's "And Another Thing..." moment. It was quite a random moment I must say, that's why it's still currently sticking out in my mind. My crush from last year called my roommie, asked about me and said hi to me through my roommate. My intial reaction "Hi, and I miss you." Hope she didn't take it the wrong way. Still can't get her out of my mind sometimes, even though now she has a boyfriend. I know, sounds kinda desperate, but I had feelings and I let my insecurities get the best of me last year. Heh, what else is new, my insecurities keeping me down. Well I had to get that off my chest, peaces folks!
Monday, April 17, 2006
Weekend's Over, time to get to work
Well this is a late post for my standards. Happy belated Easter to the peeps that read this. I enjoyed my easter a bit. My dinner that I made myself was delicious and worth cooking. It made me happy. I also talked to a lot of my family today (DOH! I forgot to call my father like I said I would). But it feels good to be me today. I woke up this morning, finished the rest of the unrated version of the 40 year old virgin. Then I watched the Bulls clinch a playoff spot (which I will get to talking about in a little bit) then I made myself my dinner for the night and got cracking on studying on my two quizzes tomorrow and my paper due tomorrow. I'm really looking forward to going home this weekend. It'll just be me and my mom, so we'll see how things go. It will be quite a relaxing weekend for me, which I am totally looking forward to. I've been thinking that I'm gonna shut myself off from the world of Carbondale this up coming weekend. Meaning no calls to Hoos, Alicia, Steve, Kristin and the others. I'll be enjoying the city to the best of my abilities, hoping to find inspiration for this final run of the school year. I'll also be looking to get in touch with my city roots for a bit. It'll be a much appreciated change of scenery when I get to the city. I'm thinking about wearing my suit home, just so I look good and its one less thing I carry with me on the train, cuz I'll be carrying a suitcase and a carry-on of other goodies. Today, unlike yesterday, I'm riding a high, in fact I was riding a high all day. Who knows how to explain that, but I don't care. Here's hoping to some happy days ahead for Lu!!!
THE BULLS ARE IN THE PLAYOFFS AGAIN, and for the first time in consecutive years since the Jordan era. Here's hoping that sometime soon the Bulls can put an end to the additon of the mentioning of the Jordan era every time they talk about the Bulls and the playoffs. The've got themselves a nice core of players with Hinrich, Gordon and Deng with a supporting cast of Nocioni, Chandler, Sweetney, Harrington, Malik Allen, Chris Duhon and others. Here's hoping with that top-4 pick they get from the Knicks they get a big scorer like Adam Morrison, or a polished big-man like Lamarcus Aldridge. And with that mid-level pick on a bench shooter like (gulp!) JJ Redick or Mike Gansey, a slashing/scoring point guard like UConn's Marcus Williams, a legit big-man like Hilton Armstrong, an adept rebounder like Paul Millsap, or a guy like Kevin Pittsnogle. All I know is somehow, someway the Bulls need a way to get either Marquette's Steve Novak or UConn's Rashad Anderson (or both!) I'll take both over some of the Bulls options off the bench right now. Maybe next year/in the offseason they can get a big time player through trade like Kevin Garnett or Jermaine O'Neal. Or through free agency like Al Harrington. A line-up with O'Neal, Harrington, Deng, Gordon and Hinrich could be good. Maybe a guy like Morrison, Aldridge, Armstrong, Millsap or Shelden Williams off the bench I'd like an impactful draft pick.
THE THING I'M MOST EXCITED about when it comes to Bulls playoff basketball is that they get to bust out the black shoes again. The Sun-Times fashion expert dissed them last year, but its tradition and its badass, and basketball fashionistas agree that black shoes are in when it comes to the ballas. Fo' real!!!
THE BULLS ARE IN THE PLAYOFFS AGAIN, and for the first time in consecutive years since the Jordan era. Here's hoping that sometime soon the Bulls can put an end to the additon of the mentioning of the Jordan era every time they talk about the Bulls and the playoffs. The've got themselves a nice core of players with Hinrich, Gordon and Deng with a supporting cast of Nocioni, Chandler, Sweetney, Harrington, Malik Allen, Chris Duhon and others. Here's hoping with that top-4 pick they get from the Knicks they get a big scorer like Adam Morrison, or a polished big-man like Lamarcus Aldridge. And with that mid-level pick on a bench shooter like (gulp!) JJ Redick or Mike Gansey, a slashing/scoring point guard like UConn's Marcus Williams, a legit big-man like Hilton Armstrong, an adept rebounder like Paul Millsap, or a guy like Kevin Pittsnogle. All I know is somehow, someway the Bulls need a way to get either Marquette's Steve Novak or UConn's Rashad Anderson (or both!) I'll take both over some of the Bulls options off the bench right now. Maybe next year/in the offseason they can get a big time player through trade like Kevin Garnett or Jermaine O'Neal. Or through free agency like Al Harrington. A line-up with O'Neal, Harrington, Deng, Gordon and Hinrich could be good. Maybe a guy like Morrison, Aldridge, Armstrong, Millsap or Shelden Williams off the bench I'd like an impactful draft pick.
THE THING I'M MOST EXCITED about when it comes to Bulls playoff basketball is that they get to bust out the black shoes again. The Sun-Times fashion expert dissed them last year, but its tradition and its badass, and basketball fashionistas agree that black shoes are in when it comes to the ballas. Fo' real!!!
Saturday, April 15, 2006
I'm So Bored, I'm Blogging
Wow, I'm really bored now. I really regret not being home this weekend. Taking a look at it, no one's here really. I look at the parking lot and ain't nobody out there, there are some really good spots out there. That's how you know nobody's here. Most of my friends are gone out of town or back in the Chi and they ain't comin down on Easter weekend to visit me. The floor has been awful quiet tonight. Personally I attribute it to the fact that Hoos and Alicia aren't here. I even told them that (I talked to Hoos about a half hour ago) and I told him that I was thinking about how true that was and he's like "Lu, that's wrong that you're thinking about me and Alicia having sex." Which I WASN'T thinking of, but Hoos has a one-track mind, and that one track mind is a word that starts with the letter 'p' and is another name for the kitty cat, so fill in the blanks for yourself. But a lot of my other friends are gone or they don't wanna go out. So I'm sitting here, on the last day of lent alone listening to WCIL fm after watching clips from American Pie and some of season one of Chappelle's show and realize I've wasted a day. I did less than half of my laundry. I have 2 tests and a paper due Monday and I haven't started working on any of it and yeah that's not good. Whatever, being at SIU is a waste for the most part. It's easy to see it as that when you're depressed.
YOU KNOW WHAT WAS DEPRESSING?
My Friday night. Now Friday was quite decent, me and the guys enjoyed a double-header softball sweep which was quite nice to see. Friday night, not so special, not at all. It was quite boring and quite bad minus the bad-ass Bulls win. Ben Gordon was shootin' that fire. It was funny while I was ironing my shirt for the night all I heard coming from my room was "Geezy for threezy..." and it was always good. During the time I went to iron my shirt, the Bulls went on a 14-0 run en route beating the Wizards, pretty sweet in my estimation. It was all downhill after that. Went out, looked good and really it was all for naught. Went to Styx with Kristin and Steve...BORING! No one was out there. I'd guess that there were maybe 80-100 people there tops. There was enough to surround the bar, about 10 people playing pool and that's about it. No one on the dancefloor, heck the bouncers weren't even out. It was really lame! Heck there wasn't even anyone at the door to stop us, stamp us and charge us (which I won't copmplain about). So after that we went to this bar and met up with Marcus, Charles and his friend Larissa. It was alright, it was cool cuz I got to hang out with Marcus and Charles who I hadn't seen in a while, so that was cool. Besides that the band sucks, remember I'm not drinking yet, and yeah the guy/girl ratio in Carbondale = sausage fest so, yeah, go figure I'm not gonna have a good night. Oh and Kristin met up with her new friend Dan or as I call him Mr. Corporate Law. We went to the "after party" at his house if you could call it that. 4 dudes and Kristin is NOT an after party. It could potentially be a lot of things, an after party isn't one of them. So we got there (me, marcus, charles, steve & larissa) stayed long enough for Steve and Larissa to have drinks and for me to go through a Penthouse or two because they were offered. I came back to Mae Smith to the wonderful greeting of a fire drill and everyone was crabby, even me cuz I had nothing to eat except for a bowl of cereal earlier in the day so I was crabby!!!! I tried talking to my roommie about my night but to no luck. My cruddy feelings carried over to today where I didn't feel like doing anything, hence why I'm here on a Saturday night in Carbondale, doing an online weblog.
HERE'S AN IDEA (AND IT AIN'T A GOOD ONE EITHER)
So I've been thinking, and usually thinking isn't a good thing for me. Because when I think I can be a different person. Well people have been telling me things recently that have had me thinking about my mental state and mental health. So I looked up the definitons for manic depressive and for bipolar. I took a survey online and I'm starting to think that I could either be a manic depressive or bipolar. I suffer a lot of the symptoms. For example I experience "extreme changes in mood." They call it the poles of "manic" and depressive." "Manic" describes "high-flying" moods that can "spiral into something darker -- irritation, confusion, anger and feeling trapped." "Depression" comes into play when its the opposite of the "hig-flying" manic mood like sadness, crying (which I haven't done), sense of worthlessness (plenty of that), loss of energy, loss of pleasure, and sleep problems. I have had lots of those, especially that worthlessness, lack of pleasure and sleep problems. After reading this definition and taking the survey, I can't help but not belive that I am that. Granted some would say that everyone's a little bipolar, just like eveyone's got a bit of ADD in them. But sometimes I can't help but to think that something is wrong with me. Theoretically I'd like to get some help, but I don't want to waste money and then find out from some doctor that "I'm perfectly fine" or something like that. On top of that, my family's got enough issues and better things to deal with than my bout with depression. If I find out that I do have these issues, it could explain a lot of my actions and it could really make a lot of sense of some things. Some of my friends would simply point to the pressure I constantly put on myself, my over-analyzation of situations and things of that nature to what's wrong with me. I honestly don't know what's up, I'd like to know, belive me. I'm just hoping things work out for the best.
AND ANOTHER THING
Okay this has been bothering me all week so I figured that if I blog it, that it will leave my system. ALL WEEK, and I mean all week as in all of my dreams since I went to bed Sunday night/Monday morning have been all about sex. Like seriously, it's killing me. Is it my insecurities? Maybe. Is it that whole college atmosphere? Possibly. Is it jealousy of my closer friends who are always getting it? Some would say most definetly. But I think that it's wrong that all of my dreams have consisted of that topic lately and I'm quite uncomfortable about it. And all of them were all about losing my virginity to be specific with it. Different situations, like one dream I was on a beach with two girls and I moved one girl to get on top of the other. The other was I was in an office and my boss passed out and there was a cute secretary and we did it on her desk. Another was in the dorm room....it's just really creepy and really not like me to have sex be the number one thing on my mind. Thanks for hearing me out blog readers, maybe you can help me out. That's what is on my mind. Thanks once again for taking time to read this.
YOU KNOW WHAT WAS DEPRESSING?
My Friday night. Now Friday was quite decent, me and the guys enjoyed a double-header softball sweep which was quite nice to see. Friday night, not so special, not at all. It was quite boring and quite bad minus the bad-ass Bulls win. Ben Gordon was shootin' that fire. It was funny while I was ironing my shirt for the night all I heard coming from my room was "Geezy for threezy..." and it was always good. During the time I went to iron my shirt, the Bulls went on a 14-0 run en route beating the Wizards, pretty sweet in my estimation. It was all downhill after that. Went out, looked good and really it was all for naught. Went to Styx with Kristin and Steve...BORING! No one was out there. I'd guess that there were maybe 80-100 people there tops. There was enough to surround the bar, about 10 people playing pool and that's about it. No one on the dancefloor, heck the bouncers weren't even out. It was really lame! Heck there wasn't even anyone at the door to stop us, stamp us and charge us (which I won't copmplain about). So after that we went to this bar and met up with Marcus, Charles and his friend Larissa. It was alright, it was cool cuz I got to hang out with Marcus and Charles who I hadn't seen in a while, so that was cool. Besides that the band sucks, remember I'm not drinking yet, and yeah the guy/girl ratio in Carbondale = sausage fest so, yeah, go figure I'm not gonna have a good night. Oh and Kristin met up with her new friend Dan or as I call him Mr. Corporate Law. We went to the "after party" at his house if you could call it that. 4 dudes and Kristin is NOT an after party. It could potentially be a lot of things, an after party isn't one of them. So we got there (me, marcus, charles, steve & larissa) stayed long enough for Steve and Larissa to have drinks and for me to go through a Penthouse or two because they were offered. I came back to Mae Smith to the wonderful greeting of a fire drill and everyone was crabby, even me cuz I had nothing to eat except for a bowl of cereal earlier in the day so I was crabby!!!! I tried talking to my roommie about my night but to no luck. My cruddy feelings carried over to today where I didn't feel like doing anything, hence why I'm here on a Saturday night in Carbondale, doing an online weblog.
HERE'S AN IDEA (AND IT AIN'T A GOOD ONE EITHER)
So I've been thinking, and usually thinking isn't a good thing for me. Because when I think I can be a different person. Well people have been telling me things recently that have had me thinking about my mental state and mental health. So I looked up the definitons for manic depressive and for bipolar. I took a survey online and I'm starting to think that I could either be a manic depressive or bipolar. I suffer a lot of the symptoms. For example I experience "extreme changes in mood." They call it the poles of "manic" and depressive." "Manic" describes "high-flying" moods that can "spiral into something darker -- irritation, confusion, anger and feeling trapped." "Depression" comes into play when its the opposite of the "hig-flying" manic mood like sadness, crying (which I haven't done), sense of worthlessness (plenty of that), loss of energy, loss of pleasure, and sleep problems. I have had lots of those, especially that worthlessness, lack of pleasure and sleep problems. After reading this definition and taking the survey, I can't help but not belive that I am that. Granted some would say that everyone's a little bipolar, just like eveyone's got a bit of ADD in them. But sometimes I can't help but to think that something is wrong with me. Theoretically I'd like to get some help, but I don't want to waste money and then find out from some doctor that "I'm perfectly fine" or something like that. On top of that, my family's got enough issues and better things to deal with than my bout with depression. If I find out that I do have these issues, it could explain a lot of my actions and it could really make a lot of sense of some things. Some of my friends would simply point to the pressure I constantly put on myself, my over-analyzation of situations and things of that nature to what's wrong with me. I honestly don't know what's up, I'd like to know, belive me. I'm just hoping things work out for the best.
AND ANOTHER THING
Okay this has been bothering me all week so I figured that if I blog it, that it will leave my system. ALL WEEK, and I mean all week as in all of my dreams since I went to bed Sunday night/Monday morning have been all about sex. Like seriously, it's killing me. Is it my insecurities? Maybe. Is it that whole college atmosphere? Possibly. Is it jealousy of my closer friends who are always getting it? Some would say most definetly. But I think that it's wrong that all of my dreams have consisted of that topic lately and I'm quite uncomfortable about it. And all of them were all about losing my virginity to be specific with it. Different situations, like one dream I was on a beach with two girls and I moved one girl to get on top of the other. The other was I was in an office and my boss passed out and there was a cute secretary and we did it on her desk. Another was in the dorm room....it's just really creepy and really not like me to have sex be the number one thing on my mind. Thanks for hearing me out blog readers, maybe you can help me out. That's what is on my mind. Thanks once again for taking time to read this.
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