Saturday, December 25, 2004

Merry Christmas to All, and to all Shop Til Ya Drop Tomorrow For All the Stuff You Didn't Get

Hey, Merry Christmas everyone. I hope that everyone enjoyed their gifts, the excellent home cooked meal, and in certain areas, the below zero temperatures and the nice fluffy Christmas Snow. Or those of you in the South and the Caribbean...BOO! It gets cold to you when it hits 50. I'd kill for 50, but Christmas isn't about killing. It is about love, gifts and food. What made this Christmas different from others was that I feel that I mad others happy with the gifts I got them. I love that feeling, it is one I want to relive over and over again. That's it for today.

Thursday, December 23, 2004


Well, as usual, I've been keeping my eyes opened and have been paying attention to the news. Two stories caught my eye and though both were seperate stories, having absolutely nothing to do with each other. Both stories made me cringe and nearly yell out loud: WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH THIS DAMN COUNTRY!
Story number one comes straight from the always interesting world of Major League Baseball. Before you even say anything, no it is not a new trade rumor, fan wish list, team analysis or Steve Bartman hate letter. This story is straight from Queens, where Mets pitcher Kris Benson's wife had something to say. Anna (correct spelling?) Benson, a stripper, made a major statement while doing a recent magazine interview. She said, if her husband ever cheated on her, she would sleep with everyone on the Mets. Not stopping while she was ahead, she continued through a laundry list of people on her potential "To Do List". She said all players, managers, management, trainers, bat boys, front office players, coaches, owners. Who knows where else this list can go. Maybe the hot dog and beer vendors and the rest of the concession stands. The equipment manager, parking lot manager, the ushers, the dudes at the ticket window, security guards, personal trainers. Hell, she might go off and bone every player, coach, manager and whoever else they bring with on the visiting team. Take this into consideration, SHE IS A STRIPPER. Most likely, she's already half-way done with the list. So, I'm gonna guess while Kris is lonely on the road after a start in which he was shelled and pulled without even getting through the first, Kris will just lock himself in his room and order "Night Nurses from Jersey" cuz that is the closest he will get unless he makes a nice little phone call to wifey. And if I was a Met, first of all, I'd be pissed off cuz I play for the Mets. Second of all, I would be doing everything to catch Kris in the act. Hell, I'd get Kris in the act. Take him to the Cubby Bear during a weekend set against the Cubs. On the west coast trip, make a little trip to Vegas, but not to bet on his own team of course. How about a day on South Beach in the MIA during a 4 game set against the Marlins. Or, my favorite, how about a Clinton-like trip to the Oval Office, ya know, meet a little intern or two. And I would be the first guy with my camera phone or whatever I can get my hands on to be the first to show Mrs. Benson the footage. "Here, Mrs. Benson, here's the evidence." Cuz y'all know I'd want first dibs, no sloppy seconds!
I wa s recently reading on-line that the recently convicted Scott Peterson (no, not the Polish Sausage, though he might end up cooked like one in the recent future) is getting love letters from women while he is in jail. WAIT JUST A MINUTE, you have got to be kidding me. A man, convicted of murdering his wife while she was pregnant with his kid; Who in that time was also seducing another woman, while planning and during the murder of his wife is getting love letters from women. Do these women not have access to television news, radio newscasts, the internet, newspapers, telegraphs, Pony Express...anything? Are they completely oblivious to the fact that he is in jail for murder? He is in jail for a reason ladies. Are they erasing out of their mind the fact that if they ever get in contact with this man, he does not have a problem with killing you, dumping you in the ocean and moving in on your best friend? I guess not. And it is a damn shame. Now I know where all my love letters go, I don't get any. Why you ask? Because they are all going to some dude that is gonna be in jail for the rest of his life. Only in America.

America, answer me this question: WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH THIS DAMN COUNTRY!

Monday, December 20, 2004

The Christmas List for Chicago Sports Fans

From the Desk of the Chicago Bears Fan base:
Dear Santa,
Thank you for granting our request, my friend, of a new coaching staff for DA BEARS! However, unlike Sears, you do not state a return policy for disfunctioning parts. One part in particular is our offensive coordinator. So, instead of going through the trouble of finding an entire new staff to put under the tree, Bears fans will ask for only a new offensive coordinator for Christmas. But, if you can fulfill that part of our Christmas list, maybe you can help him and us a little bit too. He is going to want some new toys to play with next year, just like us DA SUPERFANS! We would like a new wide receiver, with working hands and with legs that run faster than their mouth. A new offensive line to protect our favorite quarterback toy, we can't afford a new one, and hope that one won't break again. In addition, Santa, DA BEARS, would also like to wish you and Mrs. Claus a BEARY Christmas and a Happy Orange and Blue New Year.
With Love,

From the Desk of the Chicago White Sox Fan Base:
Dear Santa,
Every year Santa, we get screwed. It's not fair. Our brothers to the north always get what they want for Christmas. Why can't we. We've been good this year, we didn't jump on the field and attack anyone. In fact, it was dose stoopid Cub fans that shot one of our own. C'mon Santa, gimme a break! Last year, we got screwed out of a new Nomar, and where does he end up, with those brothers that get everything they want. This year we're getting screwed too. We, unlike some fans, aren't asking for the highest price players, but we're asking for good talent. We asked for a shortstop that could field a groundball and he ended up going to San Francisco. We asked for a pitcher that could get people out, and he ended up with Red, not White Sox. So all we ask for is this Santa, one win against the Cubs, because you know that anything else we ask for we will not get.
Thanks for nothing jerkbag,
The Other Sox Nation
From the Desk of the Fans of DA BULLS:
Dear Santa,
Our request is simple: Can you please turn back time and bring back a young and good Michael Jordan. All we need is one superstar. One that scores, plays defense and is a natural born leader.
Thank you Santa,
Da SuperBull Fans
From the Desk of the World's Greatest Fans, Fans of the Chicago Cubs:
Dear Santa,
Dude, what's up? Hey, I would just like to thank you for fulfilling some of our Christmas wishes last year. Especially those you gave to us early like that power-hitting gold-glove 1st baseman, that awesome catcher, a set-up man and a certain former Cy Young Award Winning Cub Pitcher (Greg Maddux). However, you didn't bring that championship we've been asking to get for now 97 years. So once again, please Santa, try your hardest to bring us a championship. We've been good this year. We kept our hands and feet inside the stands at all times this year. So, if you can't bring us the championship by yourself, can you at least bring us some toys that will help bring it to us. Like, a closer, one of those that works would actually be nice for a change. Do you make exchanges Santa. Because us Cub fans would like to exchange a certain future hall of fame whiner for one of our own. Sammy Sosa to New York in exchange for Chicago's own and Thornwood High's own Cliff Floyd. And then, under the tree, one 27 year old All-World outfielder named Carlos Beltran. Oh Santa, can you wrap him up and put him under our tree and not be bought by the Yankees or have him return to Houston. They don't even have snow in Houston, they can't celebrate Christmas in the right way. Please Santa, do that for us, and we promise not to beg for any more unreasonable gifts for a long time. Please don't make us wait another 97 years.
With Love,
Chicago Cubs Fans

The Monday Night Maniac (The Monday Morning Quarterback's Alter-ego)

It's 7:17 pm and I'm late for being the Monday Morning Quarterback. So now I am the Monday Night Maniac and this is what I think of yesterday's action:
  • Bears are bad, sorry! I've come to realize that Chicago sports fans are the most optimistic, yet unrealistic people of all time. I remember them saying it oh so well. We can make the playoffs, we have a good enough team. We can beat Dallas (lost 21-7) on Thanksgiving. Jacksonville, they suck, we can beat them (loss 22-3). The Texans, coming into Chicago in the cold of December, easy win for the Bears (lost 24-5). At Detroit, payback time right? Right? I predict a loss, yet close loss. 14-12. No offensive touchdowns...again, all field goals. Then Green Bay, geez I hope we win that game. But the Fudge Packers from up north will be playing for a division championship and homefield in one game. And the Bears, they will be playing one last game in the cold of Chicago, waiting to get out of there in time to catch their plane, train or automobile out of town (in some cases before the fans get a piece of them.) So, another predicted loss, this one in blowout fashion 35-10 (defensive touchdown, Brett Favre interception.) So, that will leave the Bears with a 5-11 record, wasn't that last years record. All of the losing seasons just blur together now. Being down in Carbondale since August, I have only caught one Bears win all year, and that was against San Francisco, I could grab 10 guys off the street and still beat San Francisco. So that isn't nothing. So they better have a win up their sleeve somewhere.
  • The playoff picture is starting to shape up. It looks like in the AFC it will be the Chargers, Colts, Steelers and Patriots with wild card spots going to the Jets and either the Jags, Bills or Ravens. I like the Jags a lot, but am pulling for the Bills, for they started 0-4 and would be a dangerous playoff team I wouldn't want to face. A high-powered offense and the #3 defense in football is dangerous indeed. In the NFC, if you are an NFC team, you are mathematically still alive. However, I have never liked math, so lets look at things realistically. .500 teams will not make the playoffs, let alone teams under .500. So, this is what it looks like in the senior conference in football. Rams/Seahawks/Cardinals? representing the NFC West (which is totally unfair cuz all of those teams suck). The Falcons and the Eagles are the only teams with division titles locked up. The Wild Card is interesting because the Pack and the Vikes are still fighting for the division title, yet, the loser is basically still in the playoffs as a wild card. The other wild card spot, I want it to go to the Panthers, but teams still alive (honestly) are the Rams (gulp, losers) and the Saints. The Saints and Panthers go one on one for one last time, so they will break their own tie-breaker.
  • Manning Watch: Only 1 away from tying and 2 from breaking. Next the Colts have a potential playoff preview against the Chargers (how many people thought I'd be saying that in the beginning of the year.) Manning-Edge-and the receiving triplets (Harrison-Wayne-Stokley) vs. Brees-LT II-and the best receiving TE in football (move over Tony and Shockey) Antonio Gates. Should be a wild and crazy game. A lot more interesting than the Bears practical joke they call an offense against the drama QBs of Detroit. Watching Indy and the Bolts would be like a revelation to Bears fans. Down field passing, receivers catching the ball, running backs breaking tackles and running downfield and overall...SCORING! Sure, no defense, but even the Bears D plays like shit, especially when Urlacher isn't there.
  • These two weekends are Fantasy Championship weekend in Fantasy football and like most teams that are mine or that I root for, they CHOKED! C-H-O-K-E-D! CHOKED! My 1st place team, lost. That team choked because my RB got hurt and played like a bitch and my D didn't show up. The team that was in 2nd place all year lost when my receivers decided not to catch the ball, play and my kicker ended up with negative points. How does a kicker get negative points. I had one team win this weekend, the team that was in 8th place, barely making the losers bracket in the playoffs. Truth is, no one on that team was healthy all year, and they are all getting healthy now. If they win the losers bracket, I will consider it equal to the 2003 Florida Marlins. Pulling something out of their ass to shock experts, their opponents and their own fans. I am currently beating a guy who finished 9-5 during the regular season, barely missing the playoffs. I finished the year 4-10 on a 3 game winning streak. Good luck to everyone except those who are playing me during Fantasy Championship week!