Saturday, April 02, 2005
Wow, tonight sucked. I went out and i didn't even wanna go out. I was kinda feelin it cuz i was gonna be rockin one of my new buttonups, but then it changed to jersey night--kinda killed my groove. I went out for no reason really. To go get some, I laugh, last week kinda killed me, killed my confidence and shit like that. But this week the Cherry Pit was poppin...if your name was R. Kelly. So many damn high school girls there, I was str8 pissed off tonite. Horrible, this is one of the few times I went out and I don't have a story, why cuz it absolutely sucked. I'm sick of everything down here, I wish school would just end. I'm sick of going to the same place every weekend with the same results. I'm sick of being in this situation everytime I come back from being out. I didn't even get drunk tonight. So to recap: not drunk, no girl, no crazy story. Sucky night to me sounds like. Oh and the Cubs lost...motherfuckers! If they suck this year, its gonna be the worst year or my life. The Cubs are the only thing that can save me now. I was watching SportsCenter and everyone's riding the Cardinals and I'm jus gonna let them love the Cards cuz everyone was ridin the Cards in 03 when the Cubs had their run, so lets do it again, lets use it as bulletin board material and show them that the Cards last night were a damn fluke. Oh yeah, I think I need me a new crew. I love the people I hang around, they cool as hell, but they're on a totally different level than I am, and I kinda feel inferior to them. All of them got steady girls and me I aint got nothin, so I feel bad. Those guys can pull hoes like its no ones business, I can't even pull my own weight. WHy is it every time I drink, I think. Thinking makes my head hurt, my heart heavy and I end up being pissed off. I fucked this year up totally. It all started with picking a bad roommate, it just didnt work. Granted I wouldn't have the roommate I have now or the roommate I'm gonna have next year, but let me divulge. I was too much of myself, I shoulda asserted my self, but I don't know how to do that, its kinda hard though when its me. I cant help being what I am. I'm resigned to the fact that I'll only be a friend to every girl I'll know and if i ever do get with a girl, I'ma be one and done. That's gonna suck, unless she's the absolute soul mate that I'm lookin for, but thats highly unlikely. I wish I could be someone I'm not, then life would be so much easier. I'm not gonna say that I regret anything that happened this year. Because I don't because if i did things would be totally different than what they currently are. Would I change some things...sure, who wouldn't change anything about they're college experience. Like, when professing my love, I'd rather not be drunk. No matter what pain i woulda been in, I'd rather be taken seriously and rejected than being rejected and drunk. Secondly, I would've not put all my eggs in one basket. Since the beginning of the year I had my eyes on one girl and one girl only. I've come to realize that THIS IS NOT HIGH SCHOOL!!!! THIS IS NOT GRAMMAR SCHOOL!!! Shit down here is serious. Girls honestly are worst than guys, they wanna get that D more than guys wanna pop dat cherry. And I aint all about that shit, dont get me wrong, but damn college changes you for the worst when it comes to that shit. I used to not have a problem with myself being a virgin. I used to not have confidence problems. I used to not be so self conscious. I used to not be like this. I never cared that I wasn't in a relationship in high school. Now, hell, I care more about what happened wit girls in high school than I did when I was in high school. Finally, I'd like to end this by setting some new goals for myself. Scrap the whole "i need to get laid" angle. Let shit fall where they may because in the end, I'll get mine. Second, I will refocus myself to school. Less time partying, less time drunk as hell, more time hittin the books and doing whats important. Thirdly, I want to be out more. I want to be more active with myself. Whether its a softball league, playing catch or just shootin some hoops at the rec. I need to not be lazy. Fourth step I'm gonna do, and this will be done over the summer, I am gonna reasses myself. I'm just gonna take a deep look into the mirror and loook at what I am, what I was, what I have become and what I want to be. Fifth, I'm goin back to being old school me, no matter what anyone thinks. I'm not gonna be what people expect of me or what people think I should be. Now that means I'm not gonna have a million one night stands, wake up in random rooms, walk random drunk girls home, I won't be pullin hoes and I won't be, but who cares. As long as I'm happy, who the fuck cares!
Posted by The Ludameister at 1:49 AM
Thursday, March 31, 2005
Well, 43 days til school ends. I don't want it to end though, i've had so much fun this year. Okay, I've had a little bit of fun, a lot of stress, several mild cases of depression, several mental breakdowns (2 the last 4 days), hundreds of stories and a buncha new friends. There are positives to going home, like making money and Cubs baseball. Potential vacation (trip to NY to see Cubs vs. Yanks) or to Las Vegas or to ATL. I'll get to see friends and family again, on a regular basis. But I won't be able to party every weekend. There is no Cherry Pit North (yet at least), there is no Red Light north, and Jimmy John's closes at 10 in the city. There's no Quattros, Godfathers, Don Taco, La Bamba or nothin like that. There will be no more Grinnell Breakfast, Trueblood dinners, Grab and Go Late Nights or Trueblood Saturday/Sunday Morning hangover brunches. No late nite Wal Mart runs. And most importantly there will be no stumbling into home at ungodly hours of the night drunk as hell or none of that. Not in Chicago. It'll be work, Cubs baseball, work, X Box, work, pool, Cubs baseball, barbque, busted ass car, and other crap ill have to deal wit. On the good side, there will be no drunken idiots waking me up at 3 am being drunk, playing loud pop music blowing up fire crackers in the hall. That won't be missed. Well, I'm gonna go to bed now. I'd like to close this by saying R.I.P. to my Uncle Ray who is on life support and will likely die. I will never forget the games, the barbeques and most importantly, I will never forget the tme he introduced me to Hennessey. Ray, you will be missed. I love you.
Posted by The Ludameister at 1:46 AM
Tuesday, March 29, 2005
I've finally found a topic in which i cannot summarize my feelings in poetry form. My feelings right now are sooo out of whack, that the topic is either already to overdone or that a poem cannot sum up how im feeling. I honestly feel everything falling away from me, like I had life under control and then it just started getting away from me. Little by little it left, and I didn't realize it leaving. When I finally did, I thought what was leaving was good, like I didn't need it anymore. But since basically the beginning of second semester, its been a downward spiral that leads me to this point. I've come to a realization that 60 percent of my happiness this school has come from SIUs Basketball team, 20 percent from UNCS basketball team leaving 5 percent for baseball, 4 percent for football and 9 percent of family and friends, oh and the 1 percent is alcohol and fun relative to alcohol. There's a plus-minus factor somewhere, I don't care, I'm leaving a 1% gap for the Bulls. I've endured a lot of stress this year. It started with the problems I had with my old roommate, things just didn't work out and I feel that the college experience has ruined our friendship, well at least in my eyes, I think he thinks everything is fine, but it isn't. I was hurt last semester, pushed to the edge and the only thing that kept me from jumping was self motivation that I could get myself out of the whole i was currently put in. That just doesn't work now, I can't dig myself out of it. Spring break basically backfired because I basically played pool, X Box and watched sports. I didn't get to hang out with everyone that I wanted to or needed to. I even missed out on visiting some family, and the next time I go home is for Opening Day (April 8th.) That Friday is booked during the day, and Saturday's booked for me and my friend Anna. Yeah, before you even think anything, its not going anywhere, I can prove it very easily with a phone call (sober i am mind you--im talking like yoda tho...kinda freaky!) Let's see, what else is on my mind. Women, women have driven me nuts this semester. It all started off with the whole Calla situation...I wish that I woulda just kept my stupid mouth of mine SHUT! But I couldn't, why because my newfound optimism on life gave me hope that maybe, just maybe she would be interested in me because I'm a good guy, with a good head on his shoulders with a great personality and knows how to treat a woman. However, whenever I told her how I felt, I was drunk, I mean drunk as in I was plastered before I got hammered!!! I know that she didn't take me seriously, and I can't honestly blame her, but I wish that she would give me a chance. I know its overused, but I'd treat her like a queen. Hell, I'd treat any girl like a queen if she deserved it...but my offers have gone ignored for quite sometime from every woman I've been interested in. The only good things that happen between me and women is in Las Vegas...and what happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas, so I digress. So yeah, and I, that damn night that I had to carry her home, deal with goddamn racial profiling, I don't regret that night or what I did...but would I have done it if I wasn't interested??? Yeah I would've because above all friendship is what keys anything I do. Everytime I think I'm over her though, I dream about her and the recurring theme is "What Could've Been..." and ive been told by several people that i'm better off without her, and I myself believe that, but I'm like the Cubs, I just can't put her away, I can't put my feelings away, its been just too difficult. In addition to that, the damn Illini taking SIUs coach, SIUs system and going 30?-1 has pissed me off to the point in which I'd cheer for my arch rivals Duke, Kentucky & possibly Kansas to beat the Illini...not until SIU gets our due dillegence that we are a high major and we are the real deal I will not even respect the Illini! Oh in addition to that, what happened this weekend is something that will break anyone down. I met this really nice girl and we talked and I walked her drunkass home and she gave me her number so we can chat and get together sometime. Next day I call...she gave me a fake number. That was it right there, that pushed me. I yelled so loud, it was probably heard in Chicago. Cursed so much that all that Easter joy was wiped out of me. I threw my phone at the wall and just yelled my lungs out. As much as I wanted to bury my face in a pillow and cry, I had to realize I'm bigger than that and I'm to old to cry. My friends felt bad for me, cuz the potential was there, and there was finally a situation with a girl in which I didn't even consider a negative outcome...but once again, it hit me. That's what I get for letting my guard down, I guess. My roommate also said the wrong name at the wrong time by bringing up Calla again, i took my computer chair and whipped it into the closer, kicked the other chair threw my hat and phone and remote and just stared in rage and yelled. I wanted to laugh because I knew that if I didn't my repressed rage would turn into murder somehow. I had myself a mental breakdown. I apologized later to Kevin for my actions but it just doesn't cut it. Now, I feel like I've been cursed. There has to be a reason why when it comes to women, I just choke. I can't get one to like me. I'm not attractive enough. I don't have enough material goods. I'm too nice. I'm too good of a friend. It's not your fault, you'll find a girl one day and you two will be happy. I'M SICK OF IT ALL!!!!!!!!!!! The bullshit, the excuses the pity talk. Just tell me straight up, wait just don't tell me at all, because I've heard it all already. It's a shame, I'm not even 20 years old and I'm bitching like an old damn woman. I have more stress, more repressed rage and more sinister thoughts than any musician can think of. And to top it all off, an RA warned of a fire drill. It's 2:25 AM and as I write this awaiting the fire alarm to suddenly go off, I wonder to myself--WHY????? Its just another game that life is playing with me. Well, I'm sick of playing games, I want to quit. I want to retire, I WANT OUT!!!!!!! I'm just sick of everyone's successes and my failures. My failures are magnified more than anyone elses just because of the color of my skin. People think its easy being me, well guess what, if you've read this all the way through you've realized it isn't, well I hope thats the least you got out of this. So, in a fashion that is reminiscent of thanking everyone first semester for their help, here's a thank you in an unnecisarily sarcastic manner: Thank you to all of the women down here at SIU and up in the city that have made my life a living hell. You have driven me to a point to where drinking has become a substitute for you, where I have to flashback to a memory of what happened in sophomore year to think about good times I've had with a girl in that way. As I sit here as what it seems to be the only college male virgin on campus wondering, wow, when the fuck will I get my time. Oh Lou, you're time will come. Knock on wood and hope this don't happen, what happens if the world is gone tomorrow, did I ever get my chance...NO! And why? Because too many dumb hoes decided not to give me a chance and they'd rather go with some cocky piece of shit asshole that treats them like shit, like only a piece of ass and thats all they're good for. While I sit here, respecting, loving, listening, helping, just being me, not being anything I'm not...just being everything I've been raised to be. And the thanks I get...I turn into a shoulder to cry on when things go bad...but ya always end up going back. I love being the shoulder to cry on, cuz someones gotta do it and no one has more experience in being angry and depressed because of the opposite sex than me...but life has finally taken a toll on me. I'm sick, I'm tired, I need rest. I love how the truth just flows from my finger tips at 2:31 am...don't you??????? I hope you enjoyed my mental breakdown!!!!
Posted by The Ludameister at 2:31 AM