Saturday, December 10, 2005

I didn't go out...

I REPEAT: I DID NOT GO OUT! GO ME!!! Fuck you peer pressure you can kiss my ass!!! Wal-Mart run details to come if necessary!

Dawgs Dodge Bullet and other things

So, the Salukis won extending their home winning streak to 26 consecutive games. Amazing because there was a point where the dawgs were down by 5 and yeah, I was scared. I nervously eyed the scoreboard and the clock and hoping for a miracle. Down 2 Wesley Clemmons hit a 3 that put the Dawgs up by 1 47-46 and that was the beginning of the end. SIU took over in the final 6 minutes, but it was close, too close. An offense that I described as high-octane in the beginning of the year now looks sluggish and seems to be struggling to put quality possessions together. These ain't the same 4-time defending MVC Champion Salukis. Senior leadership is clearly lacking in this team and I'm hoping that Jamaal Tatum at some point steps his game up and plays to his potential as he did earlier and last year. The defense however isn't lacking the defense is as strong as ever, but still the offense is lacking identity without Brooks and Hairston. Hopefully the team straightens out and flys right.
I'm thinking about going out and have four minutes to make a decision. There's a part of me that wants to go out and have a good time and get drunk. But the other side of me says why go out because you're gonna go out get drunk come back pissed and depressed and still single. So why waste, right? Yeah, I don't have any single friends to go out with any more that aren't attatched to a computer game right now so I'm attatching myself to my computer right now. I might have a drink of a lil' somethin somethin in the fridge.
We'll see what happens, I now have 2 minutes to make a decision...i'll holla!

A few hours earlier

I was motivated to write a blog. But now as the night winds down and i drink some more and I reflect and I get pissed and all that shit that comes with the combination of jealousy, finals week, depression, alcohol, stress, sexual frustration and all that good stuff....and i don't know where i was going with that. I had stuff that i said i'd write here that i don't remember i'll figure it out later because I don't care. I know it involved poetry and things of that nature and some other bullshit i'm going thru. Well I guess i can give you what little is on my mind right now. Let's see, looks like everyones falling in love. I fell in love, but yeah, we know how that works for me. Don't bring that juice to a gin party. REJECTION! I took that line from Stuart Scott. Anyways, yeah I'm single and miserable again, well not really again, but its more focused now as everyone settles. I'm sick of spending holiday season alone. I'm sick of thanksgiving everyone asking where's your girlfriend. I'm sick of cold nights alone and waking up every morning knowing that there's no one who cares for me. My love life is effectively over before it even got started. It's a shame, I have so much potential. I'm a generally decent guy who would love to spoil a girlfriend if he ever had one. Show her off like she's the greatest thing in the world. But I guess that's asking too much. Ooh I had a great conversation with my roommate's girlfriend tonight. I don't konw what everyone's deal was tonight but everyone was trying to get me to go out as if they were trying to get rid of me or something. I dunno sounds whack to me, especially when people are just throwing out scenarios for me to go out. I guess my friends are concerned, and I guess I appreciate it, but they're not doing a great job of making me feel better, which granted isn't their job but you know I wonder about the alterior motives of people sometimes and what they really want. I dunno maybe its me being paranoid again.
Here's something I've been itching to get at and hopefully someone can give me an answer or something. So a friend and I were talking about hooking people up, and my friend was telling me about how high school it was to have to "hook people" up. And I thought about it and I was like intersting because you know some people need help. Some people need a third party to get it done. You know, I never got hooked up with anyone in high school. Even my friends who had girlfriends who had single girlfriends still couldn't manage to hook me up. And this is why I'm in the situation I'm in now because everyone got theirs in high school and stuff and if things fall apart now, they can always go back to that one back in high school. See my thing is that, well now that I don't remember where this was going, I'm lost. Oh yeah, how high school-ish it is when people have to hook people up. Well, lets see, I felt bad when that was said because you know I failed at getting a girlfriend in highschool and have failed so far in college to get one so the only way to get it is maybe get help from a friend. Wow, this argument sounded so much better in my head. GRRR!!! Maybe i'll be able to clear it up tomorrow.
So I'm reading the conversation that me and my roomie's girlfriend had online tonite about me going out and stuff and wow, I'm aggrivated, whats even more interesting is that I aggraveted her, she went off on my ass. But you know what, I'm sick of the cheap shots. I'm sick of them, I try I fail and they give me shit because I don't have confidence. Well folks welcome to catch 22 where I ask the question How can you have confidence when you've failed your whole life? I don't know its not worth it any more. This is all bullshit, fuck it! I'm done

Friday, December 09, 2005

I don't deserve a blog tonight

I was really considering not blogging tonight, just because I was lazy, I still haven't got the poetry up from last week and I'm tired. But I couldn't resist. I'll start off with the fact that one week from tonight, I'll be back in the Chi for a month. I can't wait...kinda. I need a break from school and all the crap that comes with school. Next, well, today we got snow in Carbondale which brought these thoughts. When the hell did Carbondale become a winter wonderland? And my opening thought when I woke up this morning was oh it's white outside. Walking to class totally sucked because not only was it bitterly cold, it was also slushy and snowy, and u know us minorities we hate the cold. On top of that, the city sucks when it comes to plowing and salting and all that good shit. There are enough Chicago transplants to know how streets and sanitation should be run when the first snow hits. This just proves that nothing should be left up to the hicks that run the southern part of this state. Got back from class and relaxed and played video games. I have to immortalize the Braves team in Ken Griffey Jr. Baseball because they are the best team of all-time. But I'm too tired to do so, so I'll just tell you they won more than 130 games, only lost 24 and I had a .400 hitter. Oh yeah and two 30 game winners. One word: dominance. But yeah, so much happened tonight, that I guess I'll leave people with the following cliff hanger: I hope I fully enjoyed the singing of my own praises for the last week-plus because it might not happen for a while. I'll holla to my readers at a later time and date. Lord willing and the creek don't rise.

Thursday, December 08, 2005

21 Minutes of Things

Well folks, long time no write, I've felt empty the last few days not writing to the blog. But really, its as if who really reads this? Really, I wanna know, just out of curiosity. You know people bash blogs all the time but its good that I have one. Without a blog, I'd probably be more miserable than I am now because I wouldn't be able to release the stress, the anger and all of that pent up crap that is inside of me that eats at me inside that drives me absolutely insane. So, I'm glad I get to vent here at blogger. Isn't that what the internet is for anyways. Its for people to share thoughts, views, ideas, beliefs, rumors, innuendo and bullshit. Its a place where you can truely hide yourself and be someone that you wish you could be instead of yourself. The internet is full of lies and deceit. And me, myself, I'm looking for the truth wherever I can find it.
So I spent some time, just randomly and aimlessly looking outside of the window, and for the first time in a while, I see a car driving. It is bitterly cold and quiet in Carbondale. If I was in a more poetic mood, I'd either stand in the end lounge or even if the weather was a little more bearable, I'd stand out there with a pen and a pad and just write one of the more indescribeable feelings that I'm having here. The weather and the scenery outside perfectly fit how I'm feeling, in fact, it's quite fitting. It's quiet, somber, and the one car at the end of the parking lot is very symbolic if you think about it. See this is what happens when you are left alone and you finish your geology lab report after its half assed listening to classic boyz II men shit. You are left here contemplating things that really have no relevance when it comes to anything.
So, I spent hours playing MASH today. You know, you remember M-A-S-H (Mansion, Apartment, Shack, House) where you give 5 of the following: member of the opposite sex, car, color, location, kids you want to have and job. Then you pick your favorite number and let the magic begin as your list gets crossed out left and right until you are left with your answers. I used to love and hate this game as a child. I hated when the results came back and I ended up with the least attractive girl, in a pink pinto, in antartica, with 20-some-odd kids living in a shack and working as a janitor. It was rare that I ended up with anything I wanted, sometimes I wondered if the game was fixed against me. As I look back at the luck I've had since those days in grammar school, I don't know where I can go wrong in believing I was set up. In the end though, it's a fun game. I always got nervous when it came to pick the girls, I usually saved that for last because I actually put thought into it. I dunno how you folks played but you picked 4 of the 5 choices and your friend who's doing MASH with you sets you up with the worst possibilites possible in mash.
10 Minutes before the SIU Computers sign me off of the system
So I had a thought that really set me back and made me feel like a total loser. In a conversation with a friend, we were talking about what I did a week ago with my roommate and what is now his girlfriend. My friend made a comment in which they said something to the extent that it was kinda sad that people still approached relationships as if they were still in high school looking for a hook up. I was taken aback by that because I felt it was a shot at me. Now, everyone will tell you, all of my friends and associates and maybe even my family will tell you that I am a very defensive person. Really, you can't blame me because I've taken a lot of shots, and of course I'm always ready to shoot back. Now granted, I don't have much ammo, especially when it comes to the game of love, but you might as well shoot with what you got right? So anyways, I thought about the statement and it hurt a bit. I've never been good with words when it comes to women, unless it was in a poem, then I can roll with it. I've never been the most attractive person, however, I don't know if I'm cursed by being the nice guy or being the "handsome young man." I don't know which is the one I fall under, its possible that I fall under both. I don't do anything particularly well, I'm not made of money, I'm not materialistic and I'm not a cassanova, a P.I.M.P. or anything like that. I'm just lil' old me. So I took that comment and kept thinking about my past (the same past that haunts me damn near everyday that I'm single) and I remember that no one ever hooked me up in high school because I spent a lot of time getting rejected. Grammar school, same thing. College, well college has been different because of well, it's college. College skews your visions, beliefs and ideas when it comes to relationships, sex, virginity and all that good stuff. Prom night is supposed to be the night and you're supposed to go into freshman year with the experience you need to handle the situation of the one night stand. Yeah that failed miserably. Hey lets go back even further to grammar school (inspired thought after watching Boy Meets World) when people played spin the bottle and 7 minutes in heaven and that was supposed to break you into the dating game and the kissing game and all that other good stuff. I was never invited to that kind of party. So, if I'm a bit immature when it comes to a relationship or approaching women and all that good stuff, I point to my past as exhibit A for my evidence. Not as an excuse, but as evidence on how my past has most likely scarred my future. So yeah to sum that up, sure the way I'm going at things may be high school or grammar school like, but when you miss out on all of that stuff you were supposed to get at back in the day, you can't feel but left behind.
The Cubs traded for Juan Pierre, by doing so got rid of 2 top 10 prospects. No one's untouchable when you haven't won a World Series in 97 years. New Year's Eve, I'd rather be home alone with my cell phone off, the house phone unplugged and all modes of communication closed to me. Valentine's Day falls on a Tuesday this year and I'm already preparing Anti-Valentine's Mix of songs and I'm also looking forward to getting extremely wasted on Valentine's day, I'm glad I don't have any classes until 11 pm next semester. I'm hoping my roommate passes all of his classes this semester with a 2.0 or higher because I want him back next semester. If all else fails, I'll most likely invite Steve to live with me. Granted, Cubs/Cardinals games all of a sudden get real interesting with me being outnumbered Sox/Cards fans to Cubs fans in this hall a lot to a little, Steve's my guy nonetheless. Loneliness is all mental, or is it depression is all mental, I don't remember, this was from a conversastion that took place last week, wow I have memory issues. My roommate called me a manic depressive because of what some teacher described the symptoms to be. Does that teacher know me? Does that teacher know what I've been through? Until I find the definition of "manic depressive" both them assholes can kiss my manic depressive ass!!!
Random Question of the Night: Since Girls Gone Wild came out, how many knock offs have there been? Do they get royalties for being the first of its kind? Is there room for one more so I can get my loot and split.
Final Thought: Next week, my roommate and our friend Marcus have planned to take me out to the bars to find me a girlfriend. I never knew it was that easy...but folks it won't be. Their plan to boost my confidence will be to flat out embarass me. Now, I've been embarassed enough throughout the years in front of girls. Now Marcus says it worked for him. However, this seems like this will either make me or just break my soul. It might be the pessimist inside me but I'm gonna be betting on the latter. My roommate on the other hand gave me the story about howhe was the nice guy and #5 on the food chain when it came to his guys. He told me how he got these girls to make the transition from just friends to the next level. I throw the caution flier to myself that granted he comes off as a middle class kid, he's on a higher level for the simple facts that he is from the suburbs (cost of living is lower, that's why they are richer, they might make the same money as us city people, but their cost of living is lower) and let me see, he got hook ups from his friends and did I mention he has a car. I know the car thing didn't work out for me well, but I contend that I didn't have enough time to work that out. Me, I never got a hook up from anyone, its one of the reasons I'm in the situation that I am currently in now. I hseriously have my doubts about this. Only time will tell how things go. I just might spend the rest of my life miserable and single...and people in relationships, don't be jealous, remember you guys are the ones teasing me.
That's it for tonight folks, good night/good morning and have a pleasant tomorrow/later today!

Sunday, December 04, 2005

I Don't Have A Title

Usually I come with witty fun and intruiging titles to these blogs, tonight I say nothing. This week has been hell, this weekend has been upside down and yeah, I've been on a very good high the last few days but today yeah, um I experienced the ULTIMATE buzzkill. Let's recap. Friday, I'm trying to think about Friday, oh yeah there was no Christmas party, that was a kind of yeah that sucked. Though I made the cheesecake and I had me some rave reviews. I had a lot of complements, granted I only had one piece, but yeah, I shared the wealth and yeah everyone loved it, in fact, I made two more today for my guy marcus who himself ate 1/4 of the cheesecake. Him and my roommate damn near ate half of the cheesecake and that was pretty interesting. I spent my night alone again and I weent to bed telling myself that I wasn't going out all weekend and I was gonna spend my weekend playing video games. My roommate and I had a talk Saturday as we listened to our Saluki football team lose their 2nd round playoff game 38-24. He basically convinced me to go out. AND I AM GLAD THAT HE DID BECAUSE I HAD AN AWESOME NIGHT! Never in my life would I have believed I would have that much fun at a country western bar in my entire life. I was scared, I thought I would be beaten up, dragged to the woods and then hung by a bunch of crackers. However, I wasn't, the first song they played while we were there was Don't Cha by the Pussy Cat Dolls. Turns out not only does this band cover country songs, they do popular songs too. So that was great cuz I danced with Kristin. Oh, let me set the scene it was Me, my roommate, his girlfriend, two of her friends, and steve. So yeah, I had a great time. The first song they played was Don't Cha. The second song they played was my favorite country song: How I'm Doin by Dierks Bentley. I sang that song at the toop of my lungs like it ws no one's business. The second song they played was I Got Friends In Low Places by Garth Brooks. I love that song and we sang that in a group circle and yeah it was fun. Throughout the night I was singing and dancing and in fact there were a couple of occasions in which I was part of a Lu sandwich between two girls. Throught the night also me and the guys well I guess it was only me hoos and steve. We talked about all of the scenery, because of my absolute love for country girls. There were points in the night where I couldn't even look at the dance floor because of all of the girls, I imagined all of the things they could tell me with that hot southern drawl that I'd jump through hoops for. Lets see, um yeah, there was a lot of hot country ass, even some "honky tonk badonkadonks" as the country folk would say because yeah they stole it from the community so yeah whatever. So yeah, I've always dreamt of a southern belle that I could take care of and love and all that good stuff, its just one of those things I want. But as the days go on and as I meet some of these "country girls" I realize that I have no shot at them because I am not anything that they want which really sucks because yeah I'm a really decent guy who treats girls with respect and all and would treat my girlfriend as a queen, but I've never had a chance. It's not my fault, I feel that I've been punished because of my past. That damn past haunts me like a god damned ghost. I wish I could just get one chance. I think I should just resign myself to the fact that I will always be single as long as this is going on. So yeah, also tonight I had a girl tell me that no one loved her and that she was so lonely. Ya know, it drives me absolutely insane because yeah lets take a look at my track record. I've been able to hook up all of my friends with decent girls but never myself because of a myriad of reasons ranging from just friends to lack of sexual experience. The girl I like is currently dating my roommate, and thats partially of my own doing because I put my own feelings to the side and took one for the team. Sometimes I regret that decision, like now. I just wish I could crawl into my hobbit hole and hide away. Last night I left an away message that said "its nights like last night that make me believe that my time will come soon." And now, I laugh at myself, realize how full of shit I am and doubt it more and more that I will ever get out of this rut I currently find myself in. It's like everything that can go wrong has gone wrong and will continue to go wrong. My silver lining the other day was the Furcal signing that was about to happen. Now, Furcal, a Dodger because he's a little BITCH!!!!!!!! Fuck him and those dodger fucks. Fuck LaSorda, Gibson, The Delino DeShields-for-Pedro trade, Gagne, Dodger fandom all those LA FUCKS!!!!!! Fuck Furcal for being a bitch!!!! But yeah, so what do I do, I drink away my problems because yeah, I was pretty drinky and am pretty drinky!