Saturday, January 01, 2005

3...2..1...HAPPY NEW YEARS! Now, time for me to go to bed and resume the rest of my life as scheduled

There are several things that I assume that I will never understand in life. Baseball fans enfactuation for the 4-A player. You know, the guy that rips up records at Triple-A but just can't make it in the professionals. Football fans love for the back up quarterback, no matter how bad he is, the back-up can always do better. Women. And the New Year's Eve into New Year's Day celebration. Okay, I understand that you are turning over the calendar, reflecting on the events of the year before and projecting the future and all of its potential. But why the big hoo-hah about it. Days change everyday, let's celebrate every day, because you can change your life around in a day. It's all your mindset. Why don't we celebrate a new month every month. "Happy February!" "Happy April" "Happy September!" and so on and so on. Hell, people should be open to this type of thinking because it promotes drinking which promotes. partying. But, I will never understand. New Year's I usually spend with my family, but this year was different. I was with my cousin, his girlfiend and a few of her friends and our friends. In hindsight, I shoulda stayed home. Sure, I woulda been bored too, but there's something about being with the people that you spend most of the year with, finishing with them is something I should do. Last year I had a party planned, everyone was invited. But no one, I mean no one showed up. Very disappointing after everyone said they wanted a party and that they were coming over. I got a call at 3 in the morning saying people were gonna come over, but it was too late, I was asleep. So this year I go to a party, and it just wasn't for me. I don't know, maybe next year I'll go to a club. Or have my own party. But before I die, I vow to go to Times Square for one New Year's Eve. Just to be part of the moment. Just to be part of the hype. Just to be part of the party.
The New Year was celebrated as usual. Lotsa noise, couples and random people kissing ringing in the New Year and a toast. 2005 began the same way 2004 ended and basically all of the years have ended. I was single, kissing no one, reflecting on last year and looking at the potential of the upcoming year. And like every year, wondering the point of celebrating this new day which coincidentally happens to bring in a new month which coincidentally leads into the up and coming New Year. I don't understand the hype, and don't think I ever will.
The Only Thing I Understand About New Year's Is Resolutions
One thing I do understand about New Year's is the idea of New Year's Resolutions. I think it is a great idea to make goals for the upcoming year. The only cynical question I have about New Year's resolutions is why can't this resolution happen any other day. You could do it if you wanted to. But I do understand. A New Year, you get a clean slate and a fresh start to do everything right for once. And that is cool, and that is why the only thing that I like about New Year's is fresh start brought along by New Year's Resolutions.
Well, I guess the only thing left to write about is my New Year's Resolutions. Every year, the same resolution is taken, get a lady. I think I've said that every year in my recent memory. But this year it isn't my main one, because when it is my main goal I force shit and shit never happens, so I'm gonna ease off that one for the beginning. So here are my real New Year's Resolutions.
  • Do Better at School. Sure, 04 was a good year for me at school. I almost finished with a 3.0 in high school and despite the distractions and problems I had in my first semester in college, it is a better start than my start in high school in which i started with a 2.02 GPA. I want to spend more of my time studying and reviewing my work. I want to work harder on my work. I want to be a more focused student which will directly lead to more success in school.
  • Be a Better Person. A kinder, gentler Lou. A Lou that doesn't get angry so easily. A Lou that is more trusting of his friends. A Lou that does more giving than receiving. I saw what my giving brought to those who received. Happiness. I want to be a happier Lou. A friendlier Lou. A Lou that can be the best that I can be.
  • Get a job at school. A more personal goal of mine is to get a job at school. It is so I don't have to depend on my parents for everything. They do enough for me when it comes to school. They pay my tuition and room and board and for all of my accesories. With a job, I can go out on my own dollar and I'll feel better about myself. I remember the joys of working back during the spring and summer of last year and the joy that I was usuing my own money. I want that feeling again.
  • I Want to Forgive and Forget. I want to forgive all of the wrong that has been done to me, from small crap to things that I felt that I was wronged about. I want to forget about the wrongs I've done to others and I want to forgive those who have wronged me. Therefore, everyone gets a clean slate for the New Year.
  • And finally, the goal of every college male that hasn't gotten any is simple. Go out and get laid. Is it a goal? Sure it is, but this goal comes with a catch. Don't go for random girls, but if that happens let it be, it must have been meant to happen that way. However, I'm old school. I can't see myself with random girls that I have no feelings for. So I gotta find me a good girl this year.
  • That is my final resolution. Find me a good girl. She doesn't need to necissarily be my girlfiend. Just a friend that is a girl that I can have fun with, chill with and just be myself around.
  • Wait that is my final resolution...BE MYSELF.

HAPPY NEW YEAR EVEYBODY! Be there for the drive in 2005!

Friday, December 31, 2004

Let's Play Imaginary GM

Since the Cubs are doing absolutely nothing this offseason, while everyone else, for better or for worse, is doing stuff. From the expected moves from the Yankees, Mets and Giants to the unexpected Washington Nationals, Cincinnati Reds and White Sox. YIKES! So, since I'm bored and have nothing better to do, let's play imaginary GM.
Let the games begin:
First, we're re-signing Nomar and putting him at 2nd base. Then, we're signing Edgar Renteria away from the St. Louis Cardinals and he's playing shortstop. We're signing Carlos Beltran and playing him in center and moving Corey Patterson to right field. Then, here comes the fun part, trading Sammy Sosa. Now, there is one outfield spot left, and this is how we fill it. In a bizarre 4 team trade that includes the Reds-Cubs-Yankees-and-Diamondbacks that only Billy Beane could pull off, the Cubs unload Sammy. To make it easy for everyone here's what team gets who. The Cubs get Kevin Brown (to fill the closer role) and Ken Griffey Jr. (to play left field.) The Yankees get Randy Johnson and Sammy Sosa. The Diamondbacks get Javy Vazquez and Kyle Farnsworth. The Reds get the two top prospects that the Yankees have and cash (from both the Yankees and the Cubs and a highlight video of Steve Stone's greatest hits. Since the Cubs have no 5th starter, they sign PEDRO to fill that slot. That's it, that is the moves I'd make. Now, let's take a look at the starting line-up for your Chicago Cubs (if I was the GM).

  1. Edgar Renteria SS
  2. Ken Griffey Jr. LF
  3. Nomar Garciaparra 2B
  4. Carlos Beltran CF
  5. Aramis Ramirez 3B
  6. Derek Lee 1B
  7. Corey Patterson RF
  8. Michael Barrett C

Nice looking line-up from top to bottom. Speed at the top with Renteria, there's your lead off man. Griffey is the perfect 2 hitter. He'll hit 30 homeruns and hit .300 if he stays healthy. The best middle of the order in Cubs history with Nomar-Carlos-and-Ramirez. And the bottom of the order is great too.

Let's take a look at the pitching staff- Prior-Wood-Zambrano-Maddux-Glendon Rusch are your starters. Your bullpen is like this: Ohman-Wellemeyer-Borowski-Hawkins-Remlinger-Kevin Brown is the closer.

Thursday, December 30, 2004

2004: The Year In Review

2004 was a crazy year for me. To recap it totally would be an insane idea that would take up a little bit too much time for me. But I guess I can recap some highs and lows of this year. I guess I can start on a personal level. The year started like it usually does. In my basement on New Year's Day, it was cold outside and I did nothing. I'm not a big fan of going outside and freezing my balls off to celebrate a New Year. Hell, most days my lazy ass doesn't wanna get up and celebrate a new day. Shit, if we celebrate a new year, why not celebrate a new month everymonth. It'll give us all a good excuse to drink. Let's move to February now. February was cool because the Chicago Auto Show gave me a reason to cut school on Valentine's Day. Not only do I hate Valentine's Day for reasons earlier stated in another post, but I love cars. That was my fave day in February. It was me, my brother-in-law and a friend of his. We marveled at the 2005 Corvette, the Maybach. And the grand prize was pimpin the 05 Cadillac Escalade ESV sound system. 8 speaker Bose stereo, top of the line. With 2 10 inch subwoofers in the back...STANDARD! My kinda ride. Then the gang-bangers heard the system and all huddled around the Caddy and that was my cue to exit. February also marked my favorite time of the year, Pitchers and Catchers Report means one thing: HOPE SPRINGS ETERNAL. The Cubs signed Greg Maddux, therefore, giving me everything I wanted for Christmas. March was boring, yet still full of hype because Spring Training was in full effect and the Cubs had hit their stride even though Prior was hurt. Woody went 5-0 and was dominating. I thought it was a sign of things to come. April, I spent a lot of time at Wrigley Field. I went to 4 of the first 5 games. I saw Matt Clement dominate in a game shortened by me having to go to work for 49 cent cheeseburger day. The next day, Bleacher Creatures and I assisted in a misplayed ball in left field by the often and easily heckled Raul Mondesi. He left in the 6th inning after he had enough. Then our target was JJ Davis. Zambrano dominated and the Cubs beat the Pirates again. The next day, that Friday, the last day of Spring Break, was possibly the greatest non-playoff game I had ever been to. It was a back and forth day starring a home run derby. It seemed that everyone homered that day, but there were 4 that I will always remember. The Ken Griffey Jr. homerun that looked so sweet but put the Cubs down by two. Cub fans thought it was the end and started making plans for the exit, but as usual, I had faith. HR #2: pinch-hitter Todd Hollandsworth hit a first pitch homer to right to cut the Reds lead to one in the 7th inning. We weren't done yet. Let's move to the bottom of the 9th. I made a bold statement: Back-to-back jacks send us home happy! "Leading off the bottom of the 9th for the Cubs, Right Fielder Sammy Sosa." Sammy Sosa, sitting on 511 homeruns tied the game with a shot to right-center field sending the Cub faithful into a frenzy. WE HAD TIED THE GAME! "Ready for extra innings?" asked my friend next to me as we started to sit. By the time our asses hit the seat, first pitch swinging Moises Alooouuu got a first-ball fastball as the Wrigley crowd jumped as one together celebration. It was the greatest moment in my lifetime as a Cub fan. A miraculous comeback that I was there for. Oh was I proud to be a Cub fan that day! Once again, a sign of things that weren't to come. I spent most of May looking for a prom date. I settled for a co-worker. At the time it wasn't settling, she was cute and a cheerleader. You can't ask for more can you. Yes, but I'm a man of low standards, no I'm not, I lied, but still, I don't ask for much in life. June was a great month. Mark Prior made his long-awaited return. That was cool even though Joe Pollack blew the slave in the end for The Franchise, but it was all good, we finally had our pitching staff together healthy...but not for long. Next day was prom. And prom was good, eating, dancing all night. Then after prom, shit blew up. Plans, shot like they was a Cubs fan decked out in Cubbie-blue on 35th and Shields (Comiskey Park). She ended up not wanting a relationship, or honestly nothing to do with me. Later, I was invited to my cousin's party, then later leaving to drive around the city. Sitting outside of Wrigley Field, my graceland, wondering what went wrong. But that it would be okay, because the Cubs, as usual would save me. Later in June, graduation. Another great day to be me. It was an end to everything that I tried so hard for. Sure, my high school career did not end in any way that it was portrayed in the movies. But I felt that I had left a major impact there and with my friends for the last time along with my family, though I didn't see my mother because she was on the other side of the stadium. I felt genuinely happy. June ended on a high note for me, another trip to my home away from home, LAS VEGAS! It treated me well again, not as well, but good nonetheless. It was hot, I shopped, I ate and I chilled. I did what I always did in Vegas, had fun. And to those who say there's nothing to do in Vegas if you are under 21, you are dumb! July, it was a good month because it led off with my 18th birthday. Freedom, cigarettes and lotto tickets. Also, that means running to the store late at night to get mom her cigarettes and throwing away money on lotto tickets. Then came 4th of July weekend. We threw the first of my two major parties. My parties are so awesome, they hold no comparison to college parties, only because they are two different beasts. College parties are all about trying to get some and getting so messed up that anything you do can be excused by the fact that you were so messed up. My parties are major get togethers where you get that messed up, but ur chillin out, listening to music, shooting pool throwin darts. After the parting was over The Cubs swept the Sox on July 4th in an atmosphere that rivaled one like the 03 playoffs. The Cubs won on a walk-off bases loaded walk. Only the White Sox would give that one up. Overall, we beat the Sox in their World Series, we were the Official City Champions winning 4 of 6 games. Next stop, the real World Series (I hoped). August was pretty good too. It was the Cubs best month. We got Nomar! NOMAR FUCKIN GARCIAPARRA! Wow, we had an offensive shortstop that doesn't bobble routine groundballs in game 6 of the NLCS. That move punched our ticket to the World Series, right? Well, then came preparation to go to college. This included my last days at work, which I miss the money, not the hassle. I got my stuff together to prepare. This was the biggest thing of my life so far, I couldn't afford to mess it up. I was really looking forward to it too. Life on my own terms. No one telling me what to do, school all day and party all night, sounded like heaven. But before I left, there was one more party. This one seemed like it lasted all weekend. That's cuz it involved plenty of drunks, lots heavy drinking, a glimpse to the future and DRAMA. Ya gotta love drama between guys that have been tight for four years. Why is it whenever guys have beef, there's usually a girl involved. Women bring out the worst in us, what can I say. But the party was memorable, harolded as one of the best. That was it for Chicago, Carbondale was next up. Then came September. College life, I moved to SIU-Carbondale and quickly gained the name "The Guy With The Cubs Hat." That was me, the most outspoken and biggest Cubs fan not only in that city, in the state but in the World! Later that month, my happiness over this season came to a sudden end thanks to the following players on the opposition: Victor Diaz who hit a game tying 3 run homer with 2 outs down 3 against LaTroy Hawkins. Craig Brazell, who hit the game winning homer against loudmouth Kent Mercker. Then the Cincinnati Reds, after being dominated by Carlos Zambrano, took 3 out of four beating Glendon Rusch 2-1 in extra innings, pounding Greg Maddux and Aaron Harang, Aaron Fucking Harang out dueled Mark Prior...PRIOR??? 16 strikeouts in 9 innings of one run ball wasn't enough to beat Aaron F'n Harang. I guess not. Then the Braves beat us 2 out of 3 making certain people in my life very happy: Certain Braves Fans attending SIU and Cooking School In Chicago, Certain White Sox fans who had already choked their season up after we swept them. And Cards fans that I met in Carbondale. That was the low point of the year for me, even lower than the after prom lack of activity. But September wasn't all about my Cubs based depression. I started drinkin again, and that was a joyous time. I made a lot of friends that way. And that's what college is all about, acquaintances. Not getting so drunk to a point where you don't wake up for days. Or getting laid so many times you end up on the Maury show being tested on "I'm Here for the 10th time, and I still don't know who my baby's daddy is." It's about acquaintances, and school, but mostly acquaintances. Needless to say, I'm enjoying. October was cool cuz the Bo Sox beat the curse that I don't consider a curse coming back from an 0-3 deficit to beat the Yankees. I was torn, proud of the Bo Sox for beating history, but my New York roots pulled me and kept me grounded. Them New York roots are strong ya know. Other October highlights: oh yeah Halloween. Dudes on my floor dressed in drag. And to spare you extreme details, they looked like the following: Dennis Rodman, the Black George Michael, One of the Williams Sisters and one looked like a pig with makeup in a pink wife beater and a pink hat. Note: These guys weren't even drunk yet. November, good, because of Thanksgiving, and a week off from school. It also meant free alcohol to bring back with me to college. It was a great week. November reunited me with my three favorite F-words: Family, Friends and Food. I enjoyed it and realized how much I missed the city. Traffic jams longer than a few minutes. Pollution, people yelling at each other, cabbies being assholes. Oh it was good to be home. December: FINALS! 3 grueling, extreme, tenuous, stressful weeks of finishing strong, dealing with roommate troubles and trying to get through my 1st semester of college. Drama surrounded me with my own confidence issues, lady issues that I had down in college and back home, roommate problems plauged me all semester, but it was over. Ever notice you have your most problems during the most difficult times. But now it is finally over, really, for this semester it is. Finally, I've learned a lot. This year has honestly added 10 years to my age, it has made me age quicker than I should. Being a Cub fan already ages you, but this stress topped that. Now, I look to next year for inspiration. Will I find my happy spot again, as I did in 2003? Will I finally kick that habbit that plagues me at certain times and in certain situations? Will I finally step up to the plate and hit the walk-off home run on my first try? Will that ever elusive dream girl give me another chance or will I not find her again? Only time will tell. Stay tuned until next year.

Wednesday, December 29, 2004

Why They Keep Doing This to Me is a Question All Cubs Fans Must Ask Themselves This Offseason

This all started in July. The situation we currently are in as Cubs fans started in July. Hell, it even started earlier when the sneeze from hell sidelined Sammy Sosa for a month. Then Sammy got bad, and everyone else was doing good, but Sammy kept the team down, not down enough to where they were out of a playoff spot, but down enough where they easily got knocked out of the Central Division title. Then Sammy, not realizing he is past his prime, declines to take one for the team, like a real captain would, and move down in the order to let the guys who are having awesome years succeed. It all started there. Then it moved to the end of September, when Moises Alou, Kent Mercker and others complained about the broadcast team giving credit to the teams that were beating the Cubs, instead of worrying about what they had to do on the field. Kent Mercker single handedly brought the Astros back from the dead when he started a bean ball war with Roy Oswalt that the Cubs couldn't finish. Moises Alou complained about every called strike against him and stopped hitting in the clutch. Sammy Sosa had stop hitting a long time ago before that. Corey Patterson was tiring as a lead off man, injuries caught up to Nomar and while all of that was happening, Mark Prior and Kerry Wood were hitting their stride, just like last September. But this year was different, because this team had no heart. That's right I said it NO HEART. PERIOD! What is Moises Alou gonna do to me, yell at me, complain about the strike zone. What is Kent Mercker gonna do, call Steve Stone telling him that what I said was unnecessary. That team had no heart, that is why they lost. Okay, they had heart, somewhere. The following players are exempt from the above statement: Mark Prior, Kerry Wood, Carlos Zambrano, Greg Maddux and Glendon Rusch, and Clement though he isn't here anymore. Remlinger has heart, but he's old. Offensively, Patterson, plays hard all the time, Hollandsworth, D. Lee, Walker, Nomar, Barrett and Ram. The guys that didn't have heart, well, lets take a look at them. The closer of the distant future, Kyle Farnsworth has no heart. LaTroy Hawkins, has all the skill in the world, but his head is in the clouds and his ego makes Kobe look unselfish. And of course, the captain, the guy who is supposed to be the heart and soul of the team HAS NO HEART!
Now, let's move on to this offseason. The Cubs had a couple of holes to fill. One of them was closer, and they let the two best free agents for that position sign in Detroit and San Francisco. They thought they had a trade with Milwaukee for their All-Star closer, but here come the Braves and now their team is 10 times better than last years team. So, they need two things a left fielder to replace the outgoing Moises Alou and a closer. Now, leaving the Cubs money to this was Alou ($11 million), Mark Grudzielanek ($5 million), Matt Clement ($6 million) and Kent Mercker ($2 million). Do the math Cubs fans, that is $24 million in free money the Cubs have. Now, 2 million is going to Glendon Rusch, to replace Clement, still, that is $22 million. Now, since Carlos Beltran made his Wrigley Field debut, Cubs fans have wanted him on the team. He has the heart and the left handed bat that is missing from the Cubs. He singlehandedly carried the Astros to and through the playoffs. His agent asked for a 10 year 200 million dollar deal. Do the math Cubs fans, that would be $20 million a year. The Cubs have enough to sign him with that free money left behind by Alou, Grudz, Matt and Merck. And what do the Cubs do, sit back, claim they are trying to trade Sammy so they can get Carlos even though they have the money to do so now, and the Astros are offering him the world and the Yankees are offering the world, the moon and a planet to be named later. What are the Cubs gonna do about it, most likely nothing. They have until January 8th to deal Sosa, and the more time passes, the less likely it is to happen and the more likely Beltran will not be a Cub. I'd hate to see him back in Houston and would hate it more to see him go down to the Bronx where he, next to Bernie Williams will be the toast of the Puerto Rican community in the Boogie Down. And what are the Cubs gonna do about that open spot, Maggs Ordonez. That would be nice, I'll be honest, to take the heart and soul of the White Sox and place him in the friendly confines where we can chant "Ooo-eee-ooo Magglio!" But realistically, we will be stuck with our two best bench players (Hollandsworth and rookie Jason DuBois) to replace a guy who hit 39 HRs and had 106 RBIs. So, I plead to the Cubs management to bring us a player that will take us to the next level. I also plead to my fellow Cubs fans to help make a difference and show that we will not take being just another team lightly.
-Sincerely, Luis, the World's Biggest Cubs Fan

Monday, December 27, 2004

The Pimpin Awards For 2004

Because what would the year end be like without the meaningless opinion of a know-it-all teenager. Here is my opinion of the best and worst of 2004 and the other crap I just had on my mind.
Best of the Year
Hottie of the Year: Lindsay Lohan. Hottie at only 18, thing could only get better. My only beef with her is that she spent the year dating Fez from 'That 70s Show.' Now, she is currently dating Collin Farrell. She might give Paris Hilton a run for her money next year for 'Ho of the Year.'
Entertainer of the Year: Lil Jon. Who else put together several summer jams to bump in your ride? Who else could make the common question WHAT? and the common response YEAH! cool to say on a day-to-day basis? Who was the producer of the year in all of your favorite songs? Lil Jon did it all in 2004. He gave you 'Yeah!' by Usher, 'Goodies' by Ciara, 'Freak A Leek' by Petey Pablo, he remixed two of the hottest songs of the summer 'Lean Back' featuring Ma$e, Eminem and Fat Joe and 'The New Workout Plan' by Kanye West and Farnsworth J. Bentely. He's currently got a top 10 CD featuring hip-hops best including: Ice Cube, Jadakiss, T.I. and Nas, and that is only one track. He's currently got the slow jam for this and next year with 'Lovers and Friends' featuring Ludacris and Usher, he's got the club banger 'What U Gonna Do?' and the street anthem 'Role Call.' Top top it off, he's working with Paris Hilton on her album. Everything he touches turns into gold, or shall I say platinum.
Musician of the Year: Kanye West. The only person who had as good, if not a better year than Lil' Jon it was Kanye West. His debut CD, The College Dropout, showed the world that he was much more than a top notch producer. Self proclaimed "Chi-town's Finest" not only had major hits on his CD, but he spread the wealth too. He was the producer on the Jay-Z smash 'Encore', he was the proudcer behind 'Slow Jamz' featuring he and fellow Chicagoan Twista, not to mention Twista's hit 'Overnight Celebrity', he produced hits for Janet Jackson, Brandy, Dialated Peoples, Jadakiss, Jin, Cam'ron, Ludacris and many more. He gave us one of the top songs in 2004 with Jesus Walks and collaborated on a remix which featured Bad Boy turned good Ma$e. He is walking in 2005 on fire with 10 grammy nominations. We are all looking to upcoming proudctions featuring Kanye West including a song on G-Unit's newest soldier and Dr. Dre's protoge, the next best thing to come from the West- The Game. He already collaborated with Game on the Boost mobile hit "Whole City Behind Us" freestyle. Kanye's CD is due out summer/fall next year. We can't wait.
Song of the Year: This year was full of hit songs. Yeah by Usher, Jesus Walks by Kanye West, Freak A Leek by Petey Pablo, Mosh by Eminem, RubberBand Man by T.I., This Love by Maroon 5 all came into consideration for song of the year. But only one walked away as the hit of the summer and the all around hit of the year. It had everyone dancing, 'Lean Back' by Fat Joe is my song of the year. First of all, it put the Latino's on hip-hop's map again since the death of the very underrated Big Pun. Second of all everyone loved it. Black, white, hispanic, everyone. It became a hit when it was remixed. And the only catch to the song was the dance. The Rockaway. Which all you had to do was follow the directions said clearly by the song: "Me and my n-ggas don't dance we just pull up our pants and do the rockaway/ now lean back, lean back, lean back, lean back." What else could you ask for in a hit song. By the way, Mosh came in a close second. In all honesty, it is my favorite song cuz it gets you pumped, it sent a clear message and is lyrically the song of the year. But, there was something that Lean Back had that Mosh didn't in the end.
Album of the Year: Kanye West's The College Dropout. There was no more influential album that came out this year on me and my life. No other album put out that many hits and made that much of a message than Kanye's Dropout. There was no other album like it in the year. That is what made it unique. Coming behind West in this category were the double album by Outkast- Speakerboxxx/The Love Below, Usher's Confessions, Lil Jon's Crunk Juice, and Maroon 5's Songs About Jane.
Athlete of the Year: Peyton Manning, quarterback, Indianapolis Colts. 49 touchdowns breaking Dan Marino's 1984 record, 4551 yards and the #3 record in the AFC, football's best conference. That is after an opening night loss to the defending world champs the Patriots. A loss in which they only lost by 3 points, Edgerrin James had 2 fumbles, one at the goal line. Everyone said that the Colts would make it no where with no defense. Note to you "experts" the same people that claimed the Cubs as champions last year before the year even started: If you score 35 points and the other team scores 31, guess what YOUR TEAM STILL WINS! Go Colts!
Coach of the Year: Larry Brown, Detroit Pistons basketball. Pull the upset of the century beating the LA Lakers 4 games to 1 in the series that broke up the Laker dynasty. Congrats to Larry.
Team of the Year: 2004 Boston Red Sox. Picked by many to be the runner up to the Cubs in the preseason. Picked by many to be runner up to the loser of the AL West in the Wild Card Race. Picked by many to be runner up to the New York Yankees in the playoffs. The Red Sox, even after trading their "Franchise" Nomar Garciaparra to the truely cursed baseball team, defied all of the odds by winning the Wild Card, beating the Yankees in the season series and by beating the Yankees after being down 0-3 in the ALCS on their last out in 2 of those games. Next, they broke the Curse of the Bambino by beating the favored best team in baseball the St. Louis Cardinals. Congrats to the Bo Sox for doing us the favor of being the first team to break their curse. It gives all of us Cubs fans hope for next year, like we didn't have enough.
Winner of the Year: The City of Boston was sports biggest winners. They had 2 world champions in the Red Sox and the Patriots. A lot of joy in the Northeastern sports world this year. Outside of sports, Paris Hilton was this year's big winner. Being an heiress isn't enough. She made millions in her second reality show. She has a best selling book, several sex tapes, including one that you can find on the shelves. She has an album and a movie coming out next year. What made her a winner is that she was willing to take the extra mile. Oops, I meant go the extra mile. But I really did mean that she did take the extra mile. What other girl could expose herself in several sex tapes and become the eye candy of America and a role model to girls in the same year. Let's just spend a year in Paris. Note: People usually spend 15 minutes in Paris.
TV Show of the Year: The Sopranos came back strong this year with the suprise whacking of Adriana. The Simpson's had their highlights as usual. That 70's Show was great, again. Arrested Development is a classic in the making. But my favorite show of this year is the hystarically funny Curb Your Enthusiasm. I love that show, I suggest that everyone goes out there and watches it next season.
Best Year Ever: Ben Affleck. He dumped J. Lo at the right time. Then he hooked up with ultra-superhero-hottie Jennifer Garner. Then he saw his two favorite teams (Boston Red Sox and New England Patriots) win championships in their sports. Could anyone have a better year?
Worst of 2004
Worst Song: Fuck You Right Back by Frankie. This song was a comeback to another one of my favorite songs 'Fuck It I Don't Want You Back' by Eamon. The comeback was just sour grapes by a dumb bitch that cheated on her man and was exposed as the slut she truely was. If the girl makes the song about her boyfriend cheating on her and exposing him, it is looked highly upon. But when the girl is exposed it is looked down upon. Hey Eamon, you ever need a remix, we'll go find Lil Jon and I'll throw down a couple of bars. I don't sing, but I'll bust out any dumb disrespectful cheating ass ho.
Ass Clown of the Year: Ricky Williams, running back, Miami Dolphins. Days before training camp started, he quit on his team for reasons high school students quit their job at Burger King. They quit for the weed. Now he's in debt up to his eyeballs and has no income. He ruined his team because their team revolved around him. It cost his coach his job, their team money and one of the worst records in football, and will cost others down the line too. Good job Ricky, and congrats for being the ASSCLOWN OF THE YEAR!
Worst Coach: The only coach that can get a player injured, cause his team to lose and cry because criticizing him hurt his feelings is the only choice for worst coach of the year. Waving Wendell Kim finally lost his job two years too late. He injured Tony Womack by sending him home causing a collision at the plate causing him to miss the playoffs. The Cubs thought he was too hurt to play next year, then he goes out and has a career year for the Cardinals. This year, he sends one of the slowest players on the team who is slowed with an injured hamstring Aramis Ramirez, home. Ram really hurt his hammy after being called out. He was out for two weeks, leaving the Cubs with a gaping hole in the middle of the order. Now he's gone and maybe we can win some games, score some more runs and maybe not have players injured at the plate this year.
Worst Team: San Francisco 49ers. Lost their All-Pro QB to free agency. Lost their top running back to free agency. Lost the best receiver in football because he wanted out and forced a trade to them. Why? Because their management makes the Bears and White Sox look like free spenders like George Steinbrenner.
Biggest Loser: Those who voted for George W. Bush will end up losers in the long run because they will realize the mistake later. Those who voted against him will be the biggest losers because once again we are stuck with an idiotic incompetent president. In the words of Chris Rock, "I will not vote for anyone that I can beat in a spelling bee."
Biggest Disappointment: 2004 Chicago Cubs. After an awesome playoff run in 2003 which left Cubs fans thirsting for more and a hot start to the 2004 season. The Cubs ended the year by losing 2 of 3 to the last place New York Mets, losing 3 of 4 to the lowly Cincinnati Reds and by losing 2 out of 3 to the Atlanta Braves to eliminate them from the Wild Card spot that they held on to since June. SINCE JUNE! More blown slaves than anyone could imagine, players blaming broadcasters, broadcasters telling the truth, a superstar "captain" walking out on his team along with injuries galore caused this year to be a lost cause for The Cubs and their ever hurting fans. Once again, they were left heartbroken waiting for next year.
Worst Athlete: Three-way tie. Jonathan Quinn, worst Quarterback in NFL history. Alex Gonzalez, worst shortstop in baseball history. Jon Garland, worst pitcher in baseball history. Quinn couldn't throw a touchdown if he went up against no defense. After the chokejob in the 2003 NLCS, Gonzo lost all of his range and fielding ability and the ability to hit in the only month he ever hit in, April. So to recap Gonzo, can't field, can't hit, can't run fast. Not good for a professional baseball player. 6-4-3 is as simple as it gets Gonzo. The little white thing, you are supposed to hit it. If Jon Garland threw to a cardboard cut out of a batter only two things would happen. He would either walk the cardboard cutout, or the cutout would hit a home run.
Worst Musician: William Hung absolutely ruined American Idol. Look for him to do an album with Lil' Bow Wow and Ja Rule one day. The worst trio ever.
Worst Year Ever: Sammy Sosa, outfielder, Chicago Cubs (for now.) A gargantuan (word of the day) sneeze knocked Sammy out for a month. He batted .253 with 35 HRs and 80 RBIs. His defense was horrible, he couldn't hit a beach ball if it was set on a tee-ball stand for the life of him. And then, at the end of the year, he walks out on his team, and he's the captain. Revenge was later sought by an unknown Cub who took a page out of The Sopranos playbook and took a baseball bat to Sosa's boombox. Sosa has been the center of trade rumors all off-season and Cub fans look forward to a day without their one time hero.
Most Likely to be Next Years Biggest Loser: President Bush (see below.)
Most Likely to be Dead Next Year: President Bush.
Most Likely to be Next Year's Big Winner: Carlos Beltran, who as a free agent is looking for a 10 year $200 million dollar contract. Cubbies, dish the money out and give it to him before the Astros or Yankees do.
Most Shocking: Brintey Spears gets married twice. Once in Vegas to Jason Alexander (no, not the guy from Seinfeld, though at one point I was glad for him) and for real to a back up dancer who was recently divorced and has outside kids. Can you say Baby Step Mamma Drama? Not 10 times fast. This gesture by Brintey gives us all hope that a genuine hottie will have unnecissarily low standards and fall for the back up dancer in all of us.
Least Shocking: Paris Hilton's other sex tapes. Nothing shocks me after the first one.
Quote of the Year: "While he trickin' off, don't get no rich nigga/ Give ME some head, that'll really piss him off." Kanye West in my favorite song of the College Dropout 'Breathe In Breathe Out' featuring Ludacris. Think about it, what would piss off a boyfriend off more: his girl leaving for a rich boy or his girl leaving him for a guy like me? Thought so.
I hope you enjoyed 2004, I sure did. Look out 2005, here I come.

Week 15 Monday Morning Quarterback

As the playoff picture gets clearer, as it should, it is the second to last week of the football season, here are some thoughts that will bridge the gap between now and next Monday.
  • I would personally like to congradulate the Chicago Bears offense on the major event of scoring an offensive touchdown for the first time since the Clinton Administration. Seriously, good job guys, only 10 quarters between touchdowns. You went two games and a half without scoring jack. Be proud. And then you had a revelation, score two offensive touchdowns in one half. But that was taken away because "The ball moved after he hit the ground." I have honestly never seen a game taken away by an official. I have seen umpires miss calls and change momentum. I have seen referees in basketball make a controversial foul call that sends a superstar to the bench, once again changing momentum. But I have never seen in a football game, a referee take away a clear touchdown that would actually put another team in the lead. We wouldn't be talking about this had the Bears woken from hibernation earlier. Oh well, still, I have only seen one Bears win against the 49ers this year. At least, please beat Green Bay. Hell, knock out Favre. Knock him, out. I want late hits, roughing the QB. We won't likely win the game, but at least we'll knock everyone out.
  • Congradulations Peyton Manning, you now have the single-season touchdown record. 49 in a year. Now Peyton, you have made all of us who are fantasy owners of yours very happy. Also, you have made owners of Harrison-Wayne-and-Stokely very happy. Thank you Peyton, now on to the playoffs you go. Now, do what I predicted and take your team to win a championship.
  • Next week will decide the final playoff spot in the NFC. And unlike the AFC, the NFC spot will be decided head to head when the New Orleans Saints will face the defending NFC Champs Carolina Panthers. The Panthers will look to come back from a 1-7 start to make the playoffs. If they do, they will be feared because of their still stout defense and a hot offense. Think of the infamous offensive connections in recent football history: Montana-to-Rice, Aikman-to-Irvin, Manning-to-Harrison. How does Delhomme-to-Muhammad work for you? Works good for them. Now lets look on the other side of the field where you have the Saints. Sometimes they play like the Saints, and sometimes they are the Aint's. It varies weekly. One week, they are unstoppable. The next week they can't get out of their own way. Which team will show up, watch the NFC on Fox to find out.
  • The AFC's last spot is up for grabs too. The Bills/Jags/Ravens/Broncos are several teams looking for that final spot. The Jags lost QB Byron Leftwhich and lost to the Houston Texans. The Ravens have no offense and their defense was last seen in one of two places. Madden NFL 2005 or on the side of a milk carton, cuz they are Missing In Action. Hey Ray Lewis, now do you believe in the Madden Jinx? Let's recap the Madden jinx shall we? Madden 2001-Eddie George on the cover and the Titans lose their first home playoff game ever. Madden 2002-Daunte Culpepper after an MVP-like year has the worst year of his career with a 78 QB rating. Madden 2003- Marshall Faulk has an injury plagued season. Madden 2004- Michael Vick, only one day after the game was released in stores, in a preseason game, Michael Vick breaks his leg, out for a majority of the year. Madden 2005- Ray Lewis, his team after being a favorite to win the SuperBowl is on the verge of not even making the playoffs. So, to recap in full. Since being on the cover, George has been released, signed to the Cowboys and benched for a rookie. Culpepper hasn't made the playoffs since, and his team has been football's Chicago Cubs. Marshall Faulk has been fighting injuries since being Madden's Cover-Boy. Michael Vick is having an excellent year, just signed a 10-year contract extension worth $130 million. I guess jinxes are made to be broken. Well, some are at least. Oh yeah, the cover of NFL 2K5, Terrell Owens, two weeks ago, breaks his leg. My advice: Don't be on the cover of any video games.