Saturday, April 15, 2006

I'm So Bored, I'm Blogging

Wow, I'm really bored now. I really regret not being home this weekend. Taking a look at it, no one's here really. I look at the parking lot and ain't nobody out there, there are some really good spots out there. That's how you know nobody's here. Most of my friends are gone out of town or back in the Chi and they ain't comin down on Easter weekend to visit me. The floor has been awful quiet tonight. Personally I attribute it to the fact that Hoos and Alicia aren't here. I even told them that (I talked to Hoos about a half hour ago) and I told him that I was thinking about how true that was and he's like "Lu, that's wrong that you're thinking about me and Alicia having sex." Which I WASN'T thinking of, but Hoos has a one-track mind, and that one track mind is a word that starts with the letter 'p' and is another name for the kitty cat, so fill in the blanks for yourself. But a lot of my other friends are gone or they don't wanna go out. So I'm sitting here, on the last day of lent alone listening to WCIL fm after watching clips from American Pie and some of season one of Chappelle's show and realize I've wasted a day. I did less than half of my laundry. I have 2 tests and a paper due Monday and I haven't started working on any of it and yeah that's not good. Whatever, being at SIU is a waste for the most part. It's easy to see it as that when you're depressed.
My Friday night. Now Friday was quite decent, me and the guys enjoyed a double-header softball sweep which was quite nice to see. Friday night, not so special, not at all. It was quite boring and quite bad minus the bad-ass Bulls win. Ben Gordon was shootin' that fire. It was funny while I was ironing my shirt for the night all I heard coming from my room was "Geezy for threezy..." and it was always good. During the time I went to iron my shirt, the Bulls went on a 14-0 run en route beating the Wizards, pretty sweet in my estimation. It was all downhill after that. Went out, looked good and really it was all for naught. Went to Styx with Kristin and Steve...BORING! No one was out there. I'd guess that there were maybe 80-100 people there tops. There was enough to surround the bar, about 10 people playing pool and that's about it. No one on the dancefloor, heck the bouncers weren't even out. It was really lame! Heck there wasn't even anyone at the door to stop us, stamp us and charge us (which I won't copmplain about). So after that we went to this bar and met up with Marcus, Charles and his friend Larissa. It was alright, it was cool cuz I got to hang out with Marcus and Charles who I hadn't seen in a while, so that was cool. Besides that the band sucks, remember I'm not drinking yet, and yeah the guy/girl ratio in Carbondale = sausage fest so, yeah, go figure I'm not gonna have a good night. Oh and Kristin met up with her new friend Dan or as I call him Mr. Corporate Law. We went to the "after party" at his house if you could call it that. 4 dudes and Kristin is NOT an after party. It could potentially be a lot of things, an after party isn't one of them. So we got there (me, marcus, charles, steve & larissa) stayed long enough for Steve and Larissa to have drinks and for me to go through a Penthouse or two because they were offered. I came back to Mae Smith to the wonderful greeting of a fire drill and everyone was crabby, even me cuz I had nothing to eat except for a bowl of cereal earlier in the day so I was crabby!!!! I tried talking to my roommie about my night but to no luck. My cruddy feelings carried over to today where I didn't feel like doing anything, hence why I'm here on a Saturday night in Carbondale, doing an online weblog.
So I've been thinking, and usually thinking isn't a good thing for me. Because when I think I can be a different person. Well people have been telling me things recently that have had me thinking about my mental state and mental health. So I looked up the definitons for manic depressive and for bipolar. I took a survey online and I'm starting to think that I could either be a manic depressive or bipolar. I suffer a lot of the symptoms. For example I experience "extreme changes in mood." They call it the poles of "manic" and depressive." "Manic" describes "high-flying" moods that can "spiral into something darker -- irritation, confusion, anger and feeling trapped." "Depression" comes into play when its the opposite of the "hig-flying" manic mood like sadness, crying (which I haven't done), sense of worthlessness (plenty of that), loss of energy, loss of pleasure, and sleep problems. I have had lots of those, especially that worthlessness, lack of pleasure and sleep problems. After reading this definition and taking the survey, I can't help but not belive that I am that. Granted some would say that everyone's a little bipolar, just like eveyone's got a bit of ADD in them. But sometimes I can't help but to think that something is wrong with me. Theoretically I'd like to get some help, but I don't want to waste money and then find out from some doctor that "I'm perfectly fine" or something like that. On top of that, my family's got enough issues and better things to deal with than my bout with depression. If I find out that I do have these issues, it could explain a lot of my actions and it could really make a lot of sense of some things. Some of my friends would simply point to the pressure I constantly put on myself, my over-analyzation of situations and things of that nature to what's wrong with me. I honestly don't know what's up, I'd like to know, belive me. I'm just hoping things work out for the best.
Okay this has been bothering me all week so I figured that if I blog it, that it will leave my system. ALL WEEK, and I mean all week as in all of my dreams since I went to bed Sunday night/Monday morning have been all about sex. Like seriously, it's killing me. Is it my insecurities? Maybe. Is it that whole college atmosphere? Possibly. Is it jealousy of my closer friends who are always getting it? Some would say most definetly. But I think that it's wrong that all of my dreams have consisted of that topic lately and I'm quite uncomfortable about it. And all of them were all about losing my virginity to be specific with it. Different situations, like one dream I was on a beach with two girls and I moved one girl to get on top of the other. The other was I was in an office and my boss passed out and there was a cute secretary and we did it on her desk. Another was in the dorm's just really creepy and really not like me to have sex be the number one thing on my mind. Thanks for hearing me out blog readers, maybe you can help me out. That's what is on my mind. Thanks once again for taking time to read this.

Friday, April 14, 2006

Quickie Blog

On a night where my mind has a bunch of negative stuff on it, I'll stick toa positive that I'm really excited about. In fact, we'll find out who reads my blog when I say I'll be home on a long weekend next week. I'll be home Thursday night around 9 and I won't leave until Sunday at 4 so we'll see whats up. But I'll most likely spend this weekend relaxing and hanging with my mom. I'm really looking forward to this weekend because I'll be away from Carbondale. I told Steve that and he (sarcastically) said that this place is such a horrible place you have to run away from it. Seriously, I need to get out of here. I want to get out of here. Its the best for me. There are just some things and some people I need to get away from. Not that they're the most horrible people in the world, but the mini vacation that I will embark on next week is more than necessary!

Thursday, April 13, 2006

Information Nugget of the Day

One more reason to hate Duke: Coach K is a republican. Figures that he'd be the ring leader of a bunch of elitist, high-class snobs. I hope Hoos checks this one out!!!

The Stretch Run

Well folks things are coming to an end as I speak. No, nothing drastic tonight. Keeping it simple, lent ends Sunday with Easter. As much as I'm looking forward to this I've been quite reflective about lent as a whole. Of all of my friends, I've been the only one to keep their lent promise which I'm quite proud of. And honestly I have felt a lot better about myself and I've felt as healthy as ever since I've quit drinking. I really don't want to blow what I've built over one drunken night because I fear that it might set me back. I am not ruling out social drinking or casual drinking, though I would like to rule out drinking to get drunk and drinking my problems away, because upon further review it doesn't work. Also, I've learned to live without dark soda pop like Pepsi and Coke. I've gone to fruit juices (fruit punch, lemonade, OJ and apple juice) which is really good, that is something I might just keep up. I'll be honest, there have been times in which I've wanted an ice-cold Pepsi, but I've been good. We'll see how things turn out. I think I might have another "Fat Tuesday" in which I gorge myself in the things I've missed out on during the last 40 days and 40 nights and then go without that stuff again.
The other thing coming to an end is the school year. According to my math (which isn't good at all), I have 28 days of school left. My last final is on May 11th. It sucks because I have 3 on that Monday and they are all close to each other, and that TOTALLY SUCKS!!!! I just want this school year to be over. Another way to look at it: 28 days to get laid or else I will be the 20 year old virgin. It's an interesting and twisted way to look at the end of the school year. We'll see how things go down.
So much on my mind, yet I want to pull back from tonight's blog and go to sleep and do some more reflecting.
So good night from Carbondale. Hopefully better days, and nights are ahead!!!!

Monday, April 10, 2006

200 Posts...YESSSS!!!!

I have to congratulate myself on this beeing my 200th post, that's quite a feat I think. 200 of my most intriguing and mostly unread thoughts it's quite amazing I must say. I remember when I started this as an emotional release and an escape from the downside of the college life. I remember writing in times in which I was sad and depressed and I went to this blog and typed how I felt. I remember those drunk blogs. I remember those blogs in which I had hope for the future. THat's what this blog was all about. It was like yesterday when I was writing about SIUs 4th sraight conference championship and I claimed it as championship saturday. I remember the posts last year that led up to Valentine's Day and the ones that immediately followed in which I hated myself for what I did. I remember posting about Cubs games until I created a blog solely for the purpose of talking about the Cubs. I remember rants and raves. I remember writing the editorial cut about why the Cubs/Cards match-up is the best in sports. And how North Carolina would win the championship when everyone was drinking the Illini kool-aid. Those were the times. I remember when I ditched this blog for My Space and then came running back knowing that this blog was the shit.
So this is the 200th blog.
Well where do I start. I guess I'll start with the brief review of this weekend. It was an awesome weekend. A bit of a disappointment yes though I must say the foam party on Friday night at Southern Illinois Nightclub (AKA SIN) was worth going to even though I left wet, cold and by myself which isn't much of a change from any other time I go out, minus the wet part. I just didn't feel comfortable at the bar. I just can't see myself picking up a girl from the club or the bar and seeing her as my girlfriend in the future. Maybe that's my problem, maybe that I want every decent girl I meet to eventually be my girlfriend. I have too many flaws. It makes me wonder where will I meet that girl? So far it hasn't been college. No house parties, no bars, not even a blind date has worked for me. Not even me at my best dressed has reeled me in a hottie that I can call my own. Yet I've seen my friends back into relationships when they weren't even looking. I've seen girls I was interested in date my roommate, a complete stranger and actually decide that dating isn't in their future. I've seen girls tantalize me, flirt with me, take me for a roller coaster ride, all for naught. And in the end, I'm in the situation that I entered college as: single, insecure and on the verge of depression.
The rest of the weekend made up for my being single when the Cubs swept the Cardinals making my weekend actually worth anything. Yep, the Cubs are once again saviors of my so-called life. The better they play, the better I feel about myself. The more they win, the less I care about my women problems.
The Soprano's was good, yet disappointing. I'm just waiting for something big to happen though I must say shit's getting serious and once again I can't wait til next weekend's Soprano's.
Everyone's going home for Easter except Lu, I plan to be making some sort of dinner for myself that night.
The awkward moment of the weekend was last night when my roommate and his girlfriend decided to sleep in my room (well mine and my roommate's room) last night. It was weird, I kinda felt awkward but yeah whatever my mind hates me. Filling my life with insecurities and depressing thoughts.
Speaking of awkwardness and insecurities I had to leave my room tonight because of the awkward moments that led up to well, you know what happens when a couple is together and a third wheel is there and it's a smart idea to leave I don't have to say it in words, so I won't. All I know is that even though she said I didn't have to leave and told me not to leave I knew when I wasn't wanted and I knew when it was my time to leave. My mistake was leaving without my jeans and ID and shoes so I could go on a refreshing walk. It was too late for that, by the time I thought of it I was in a friend's room watching The Simpson's. My insecurities got the best of me and yeah, as of now I'm not a happy camper. Once again I'm one awkward moment from snapping, and that's a scary thought. It'll be very reminiscent of the mental breakdowns I had on several occasions last year, second semester.
So this is why I hate being me folks, I'm sure you've seen it well about 200 times by now. There's a couple, Lu's jealous and he lets his insecurities get the best of him. This is why I am the way I am. I want what everyone else has. It pisses me off, not that they have it, I'm not jealous like that I'm jealous to the point that I'm pissed because I don't have it. And then I have to hear it the "I can't believe he doesn't have a girlfriend" comments from others. Yeah I can't believe it either but bad shit happens to good people. I'm sick of being me, I just want things to change soon and for the better.
IT'S BEEN BROUGHT TO MY ATTENTION by several people that they think I'm gay. Uh-oh here come more insecurities. I can't necessarily blame them. How can't you think that someone who hasn't gotten laid and never had a girlfriend and other things that I don't even tell people about is gay, I really can't blame peeps. A friend recently told me that my problem is that I'm every girls "gay guy." I'm the guy that is the best friend, the one they come to when there are problems, when they need advice, when they need someone to talk to they come to me. There's not a thought in their mind about dating me, or screwing me or any of that fun stuff, I'm just the guy who's there who's friend to all. Goes back to my theory of "I'm the guy that the girls tell their secrets too, I'm not the guy who's their secret." It sucks being the butt of jokes and laughed at and constantly talked about and not in a good manner. Whatever, as much as people say "one of these days you'll meet the girl of your dreams" or "one of these days will be your day" and "I still can't believe you're single." Well folks, believe it because you're eyes aren't deceiving you. One of these days I'll meet the girl of my dreams, as soon as the Cubs make the World Series. Sure, one of these days will be my day. Yep, as soon as the Cubs WIN the World Series. And believe it or not, despite being the guy with all the answers, despite being the all knowing, the guy that knows what the girl likes and wants, I'm still single. And what am I gonna do about it, nothing. Why? Because I've been trying to change shit for years and nothing good comes out of it. I end up with the same group of friends that are in relationships fucking their girls having the fucking time of their fucking lives while I'm out there giving advice, telling them what to do, and they can take all the credit for executing the thoughts of the guy who might be the closest thing to a real life 'Hitch' as you'll get. Yet I'm like a hot baseball prospect, getting experience, just not on the major league level. I'm like the next big QB who is taking notes on the sideline waiting for his chance to get in the game. I'm like an assistant coach waiting to be promoted to the big time. Problem is that I'll most likely be sent down to the minors, be demoted to third string, and in the end fired from what I am. One thing's for certain, seems like I am the biggest loser not only on campus but maybe the world.
See, 200 posts later, things still haven't changed.