Wednesday, January 12, 2005

Top 10 Movie Quotes

In response to my friend's Xanga site, here are my 10 favorite movie quotes.
  1. "I've been"-Jason Biggs, American Pie.
  2. "Girls, can't live with them and they can't pee standing up."-Rube Baker, Major League 2.
  3. "They was pulling everyone over who was driving on that strip of sidewalk, and that's profiling and profiling is wrong."-Ron White, Blue Collar Comedy Tour Movie.
  4. "What does Ray-Ray do, he goes to Nashville. You know ain't no black folks in Nashville."-Steve Harvey, Kings of Comedy
  5. "I am the master of the C.L.I.T. Remember this fucking face. Whenever you see C.L.I.T., you'll see this fucking face. I make that shit work. It does whatever the fuck I tell it to. No one rules the C.L.I.T like me. Not this little fuck [referring to Silent Bob] none of you little fucks out there. I AM THE C.L.I.T. COMMANDER! Remember that, commander of all C.L.I.T.s! When it comes down to business, this is what I do. I pinch it like this. OOH you little fuck. Then I rub my nose with it."-Jay, from Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back.
  6. "And that ball is hit deep to right, and unless that's Shaquille O'Neal out in right that ball's outta here."-Bob Eucker, Major League.
  7. "I had a hard enough time trying to get this girl as a rich white man. Do you know how hard it's gonna be to try to get her as a broke black man? "-Chris Rock in Down to Earth.
  8. "There's a big rap concert in the Bronx tonight. Somebody's gonna die. "-Chris Rock in Down to Earth.
  9. "Excuse me while I whip this out."-the black guy from Blazing Saddles.
  10. "This man ain't no mother-fuckin' MC / I know everything he's got to say against me / I am white, I am a fucking bum / I do live in a trailer with my mom / My boy future is an Uncle Tom / I do got a dumb friend named Cheddar Bob / Who shoots himself in the leg with his own gun / I did get jumped by all six of you chumps / And Wink did fuck my girl / I'm still standing here screaming "Fuck the Free World."-Eminem, 8 Mile

The Playoff Report by SIU Lou

I will be the first to admit that I was wrong, dead wrong about the playoffs so far. Yes, I predicted the annihlation of the Broncos by the Colts, but everything else was as if it took place in bizarro world. The NY Jets went coast-to-coast to play the favored and hosting Chargers. They overcame the long flight, San Diego's talented offense, a bonehead play by Bartman (oops Barton), a missed kick by a rookie kicker and bad coaching by Marty Schottenheimer to beat the Chargers setting up a rematch with Pittsburgh. Then the Rams became the first 8-8 team to win a playoff game by beating the division champion Seattle Seahawks in Seattle. Now, Seattle has taken the distinction of being football's Chicago Cubs after the former holder of that distinction the Minnesota Vikings went to Green Bay and BEAT THEM! They made Brett Favre look like Jonathan Quinn and exposed their defense more than Paris Hilton. This sets up the following match-ups: Vikings at Eagles, Rams at Falcons and Jets at Steelers, and the marquee match-up Colts at Patriots. And here are my thoughts on these games. The Vikings can beat the Eagles for the simple fact that the Eagles haven't played for a month and the Eagles that have played have played bad! The Rams can beat the Falcons only because they will be indoors on turf. Problem is the Falcons have been playing and Michael Vick can see himself in the confrence finals in a rematch against the Eagles. The Steelers will beat the Jets, because the Jets got lucky last week, the game will be close, but the Steelers will win. By the way, hats off to Ben Roethlisberger who is donating his playoff paycheck to the tsunami victims in efforts to get his teammates and other NFL stars to do also. I'll be cheering for Big Ben for a long time. In the marquee game, the rematch of last years AFC title game, the Colts WILL BEAT the Patriots. Why you ask, well the answer is simple. The Patriots have no good healthy DBs. Peyton Manning tears up good healthy DBs, bad hurt DBs are already burned toast. The Colts will have revenge on their mind and the INDY receivers will not be getting mugged downfield like last years game. I hope to see a Falcons-Colts Super Bowl for several reasons. Both are favorite teams of mine. The entertainment value will be high going into this game. The best offense in football led by Manning-James-Harrison-Stokley-Wayne-etc will put up major points. The Falcons will be lead by the most entertaining and most athletic player in the NFL, the one man show, Mike Vick. Then you'll get Rush Limbaugh and Limbaugh types that will argue the fast black quarterback versus the slow white quarterback, potentially causing race wars. It would be a fun game overall. Oh, and I wanna give my thought on Randy Moss' dance. Joe Buck, you're a tool and you overreacted. You are not an analyst, let your analysts do their job and analyze, just tell me that Moss scored a touchdown, give me the score and shut up and let your analysts analyze the play and anything that happened afterwards. If I want an editorial, I'll write one myself. My first thought was that it was funny. Was it offensive? NO! What was offensive about it, he acted like he was gonna pull his pants down, but he didn't! Fox shouldn't have a problem with this act. They're showing surgeries that go terribly wrong, Paris Hilton's ho-bag show, Dressing room confessions, and there's as much indecent material on Fox's everyday TV as there is on Skinemax. You can bitch at Moss for cursing at the fans saying "Look at the motherfuckin' scoreboard." But once again, I'll give Moss a little lee-way because as a fan and self-proclaimed self-loving hecker I know what can and has been said to rattle a player. Now, I'm not the guy that will give it to you personally. No family, no personal life, no stuff like that. I will call you out on playing like crap, playing for a crappy team, being on steroids or if they say something stupid. No homosexual disses, nothing about their mother, even if they beat their wife, I leave that alone. But that's only me, there are thousands of others out there that do the exact opposite of me and take that stuff and run with it. So, ill give the benefit of doubt to Moss, I don't know what those Packer fans said, and most likely, it wasn't nice. What a week in the NFL playoffs!

The Sosa Rules Part One

In the late 80s and early 90s, the Detroit Pistons, in effort to stop Michael Jordan, came up with the Jordan Rules. Now, in 2005, Cubs fans need to unite and create the Sammy rules. Because if Sammy is to come back, he needs to be controlled. Basically, the goal of this set of rules would be simple, to stop Sammy Sosa's tumor from turning into a full-blown cancer. Also, this would lessen his influence on the team, the clubhouse and would put Sammy in his proper spote. Note, this would not be talked about if Sammy would've dropped himself in the line-up earlier when he was struggling and/or if Sammy would've just shown up to the final game and stayed. It's simple, Sammy stays, and all Cub fans are worrying about is a 5th starter, a closer and a left-fielder. Instead we worried about trading Sammy, dreaming of Carlos Beltran and watching all of our left-field options vanish into mid air. Plan A was Carlos Beltran, and he's headed off east to Flushing, NY to joint the Mets for 7 years and $119 million. Plan B was J.D. Drew, and he went to Hollywood for 5 years $55 million. Note, the 5 year $55 million contract is $30 million less than they offered Beltran. If they would've done their job, they would have their left fielder in J.D. Drew who is just as good of a talent as Beltran and would love nothing more than to stick it to the St. Louis Cardinals for 19 games per year. I digress however and move to the Sosa rules.
Rule #1- The Cubs take away that letter 'C' on the jersey that stands for team captain. In accordance to losing his being captain, the following players are named Cubs Captains, Co-Captains and Assistant Captains- Kerry Wood, Mark Prior, Michael Barrett and Nomar Garciaparra.
Rule #2- Sammy is not allowed to bat higher than 6th in the Cubs line-up which looks as follows: Walker, Barrett, Garciaparra, Ramirez, Patterson, Lee, Ordonez/Hollandsworth/Dubois/Burnitz/ and Sosa. 7 and 8 are interchangeable.
Rule #3- Sammy is not allowed to do the following while on the playing field: The Charge out to right field, The Homerun Hop, The Kiss and Love Taps, Dive for balls that do not need dove for.
Rule #4- Sammy must issue a hand-written and spoken apologies along with gifts for the following: Dusty Baker, Chip Carey, Steve Stone, Kerry Wood, Todd Walker, Ryan Dempster, Mark Prior, season ticket holders of the Chicago Cubs, Rick Reilley of Sports Illustrated and most importantly to me, his biggest supporter until he quit on the team.
Rule #5- To ensure that Sammy does not leave early, the following jobs are reserved for him: picking up the bases after the game, cleaning the right field bleachers, co-host of the post game show with Len Kasper and Bob Brenly and Dusty Baker at the stadium, in the dugout.
Rule #6- Opposing home run balls hit to right field are to be thrown AT Sammy Sosa.
Rule #7- Sammy must renew his vows to Dusty Baker in a ceremony in which Sosa wears the dress and his bridesmades are Kyle Farnsworth's current and future baby's mommas and Dusty's Groomsmen are Kerry Wood, Mark Prior, Todd Walker and Ryan Dempster.
Rule #8- To make sure Sammy is at the ball park on time, Sammy's newest job is to open the stadium early in the morning.
Rule #10- If by July 1st, he is not hitting .280, he must buy a boombox and destroy it with a baseball bat and buy all bleacher fans a boombox of GREATER value.
Note: Rules may be added and are subject to change. New rules will be issued as they become available whenever possible.