Friday, September 08, 2006

Story Of A Lonely Night

Tonight was just one of those nights in Carbondale that you chalk up in the 'L' column. Not because of the day as a whole, but because of how it ended. It started off quite abruptly cuz I woke up with less than a half hour to prepare for the day because I accidently set my alarm clock to wake me up at 7:59 PM instead of 7:59 AM...I woke up at 9 AM this morning. I got to hear a bit of the Drex show, them talking about Paris Hilton getting off on her suspected DUI. No, she didn't get off, the officers of the LAPD got off I'm sure of it. I'm sure she sucked and fucked her way out of this one. *Sighs* the powers of being young, blonde, trashy and easy. Then they played a clip where she was talking about her upcoming music video. She says that she isn't really naked in it, in fact she plays the girl next door. My reaction of course is as follows: "Yeah the girl next door that puts out....FOR EVERYONE!" Yeah Paris, whatever. So you would think that would make my day, but not so fast my friend. My first two classes flew by leaving my ECON test at noon which totally dragged cuz the bitch teacher decided to lecture for some gosh awful reason before the quiz, kinda threw me off. I hope I did good, there's no reason that I shouldn't have because I studied and read and did everything I SHOULD have done. But this is me we're talking about. When was the last time that I did EVERYTHING right, pulled every trick, played every card correctly----AND it came out all good. The stuff that comes after the 'and' in that previous question is key. The answer is nobody has no fucking clue! After that I was pretty happy and all. I walked the city of Carbondale stopping by the bank, quite an interesting day walking past liquor stores and comparing prices. It's a damn shame that I couldn't get any liquor tonight. I can't wait 'til I'm 21. It's a catch-22 for me, becuase yes I'll be able to drink and go to certain Vegas strip clubs, but that's it there's no other age to look forward to. Ages 16, 18 & 19 have come and gone without much fanfare. 20 is a boring tweener number. But after 21, then you spend some time as a twentysomething. Then you move on to being in your 30s, 40s, 50s and hopefully beyond. Birthdays seem just to happen instead of being an event that is highly anticipated. But I didn't want to go off in that rant tonight. Maybe some other night, not tonight.
I also got my package today which included my new razor, some enchiladas, chorizo, chicken and some other stuff. Thanks Mom & Grandma! So once again you'd think I'd be happy.
If you know me you know I'm unhappy. And there is nothing that makes me more unhappy than not being able to control my emotions. I hate going from childhood joy (which was this morning and afternoon) to borderline depression at night. Another productive Friday night where I did a lotta bit of nothing. Played some video games, but just didn't keep my attention tonight. Watched some of the White Sox game until I realized once again that I couldn't stand the White Sox. The Cardinals were playing but I wanted no part of that crap. I caught my favorite part of Kings of Comedy when Steve Harvey talks about "old school" music and how musicians today have failed is that they don't write songs about love. "I don't want my t-shirt wet cuz I got shot. I want it to be wet because I was making love!" And then he plays some Earth, Wind & Fire and what he says to be the greatest love song of all time, Lenny Williams's "Because I Love You." Which I'll admit it is a classic and a top 5 love song of all time, but right now I'll go with the Diana Ross/Lionel Richie duet "My Endless Love" because everyone knows I'm a Lionel Richie mark. But I love that segment because that's one of my classic rants, the "where have all the love songs gone" rant.
All that said, I'm here alone in my room listening to some mellow ass music just because it fits the mood of the night. Bored and lonely. I'm sorry you can't play happy music in a situation where you're not happy. Had I had some alcohol, I probably would have gone out tonight, instead I sit her blogging another one out. I just feel like absolute poo. It's just one of those nights, well in fact it's been one of those weeks where I wish I wasn't here at all where I think I'd be better off in Chicago or somewhere else that wasn't Carbondale.
Until a later time and a later date (hopefully it'll be a happier time and a happier day) toodles from Carbondale.

Cub Randomness

So I was browsing the Hecker web page and came across something that caught my eye. It was the premire of a documentary/movie about the Cubs in 2003 called 'Chasing October' due out in theatres sometime in early 2007. Someone's excited about that...ME OF COURSE! Yes, it is the MOST heartbreaking time in my entire life. It's actually the only place where I can pinpoint every little detail in my life. In fact, I often refer to those days as the time in which I lost my innocense. Yeah, I said it, my INNOCENCE!!!! Some people lose theirs on prom night. Others during a college drunkfest. I lost mine in October 2003. Everyone knows that story and I won't rehash any of those memories, but I will in October for the 3 year anniversary of the Bartman game. I'm still looking for a tape or footage of that game. I wonder if YOUTUBE.COM has it? But yeah, keep your eyes peeled for 'Chasing October.' It's about damn time someone made a movie about what at one point were the happiest days of my life!

A Day Removed

A day removed from yesterday's clutter I'm feeling a little bit better. Things are a bit clearer in my mind and of course that is ALWAYS a good thing. It's why sometimes you just gotta blog it out. Today was a pretty easy day for me I must say because I only had one class. Oh and now it's Friday bitches!!!! And there's no one happier than me because that means it's the weekend and that means no worries 'til Monday. So instead of taking you through my mindset about certain things that have been at the forefrunt recently, I'm gonna have a little fun and drop a couple of editorial comments.
EDITORIAL A- The Metric System Is The Work Of The Devil.
I hate that school is trying to shove the metric system down our throats. Sure even the English have abandoned their own system, but that doesn't mean we have to. Throughout our lives we are asked not to succumb to peer pressure and to be ourselves, yet we as a country are being duped into adopting a backwards ass system of measurement. Think about it people, one meter equals 3.3 feet. So that 500 foot home run that BALCO Bonds just hit went 1,650 meters??? Talk about skewing the numbers. Even our teacher solidified my case against the metric system by saying that it caused a plane to crash when not enough fuel was put into a plane. The metric system sucks people, face it. We shouldn't be doing things because everyone else does. It's like the theory that soccer is the greatest thing since sliced bread (sliced bread still not having been invented in several countries that participate in soccer's World Cup) and you should like it because everyone else in the world likes it. Just because EVERYONE else likes it doesn't mean I have to like it. Go! Go! English System! BYAH!
EDITORIAL B- Cool Teachers.
If there was one thing I liked about high school, it was that I had some pretty good teachers that positively impacted my life in some way. Well the last two days I have run into two of my favorite teachers that I've had in my tenure at SIUC. First Mr. Weiss, my ENGL 101 teacher from freshman year. I saw him while walking through Faner Hall on Wednesday while on my way to my poetry class. Though I didn't get to talk to him, we exchanged pleasantries, and I'll make sure to make this comment next time I do get a chance to talk to him. I would just like to thank him for introducing me to the blogging world, for if not for him, I would not have a blog which would have limited my creativity and randomness and would not have had a place in which I could vent without taking it out on one person. And yesterday (Thursday) I saw my POLS 114 T.A. Drew. Drew's a badass that goes to the basketball games and I seen him at the bars a couple of times last year partying it up. His notes made class great and easier to understand and his section was awesome. Even though he's a Cards fan he's still awesome. We talked about going to Bloomington to see the SIU/IU ballgame if not for football, definetly for basketball.
EDITORIAL C- Why I Stopped Watching Cubs Games.
I don't know if anyone reads my other blog, the one I only use to blog about the Cubs (; heck I don't know if anyone reads this blog (even though someone did tell me yesterday that they actually read it). Nonetheless, to paraphrase from last nights Cub blog I talked about the impact of not subjecting myself to bad Cub baseball for 10 days has had on me. Well, Thursday I decided to break the streak and turn on the ball game against the Pirates. And I didn't get through the first inning without being reminded on why I stopped watching the Cubs on the Tuesday before this one (coincidentally also against the Pirates) and that of course was a lead-off homer by Chris Duffy who entered the game batting in the .220s. Another embarassing loss to the woeful Pirates who are a half game ahead of the LAST PLACE CHICAGO CUBS! So, does anyone (who isn't a Cardinal or White Sox fan) think that a manager whose team has declined in production each year since he's been here deserves an extension? The proof is in the pudding, and the pudding sucks if you're a Cub fan. But back to the point I want to make here. With the Cubs absence in my life there was a void that went unfilled. It's a reason I've been feeling empty. For better or for worse the Cubs have been there for me. When I'm happy, they're there. When I'm sad, they're there. Whether it be day game, night game, game of the week...the Cubs have been there for me. It's more than I can say about some people; it's more than I can say about my love life. The Cubs play a vital role in my life and I am ashamed as a self-proclaimed die-hard that I ignored them for more than a week. Yes, in this blog I come off as a loser, and really as a Cub fan I am used to being a "loser." But hey there's millions of them as loyal as I am and there's no shame in having something that you have a passion for and something that you've had a passion for since childhood.
Take some time to yourself and think is there ANYTHING that you are passionate about now that you were passionate about as a child. Or maybe even a few years ago. Maybe you can leave your answers in the comments section.

Until then I have an ECON test to study for tomorrow. Happy Friday everyone!

Thursday, September 07, 2006

A Series Of Odd and Relatively Unfortunate Events

Today was a weird day.
Something felt wrong all day and definetly weighed my mind down throughout. Woke up hungry but with a massive stomach ache, which explains why I've eaten nothing but crackers today. Good new is that I did get my poem done, I'll post it at the end of this blog for fun. But yeah, my english classes were interesting this morning, I must say. My last two classes, not so much. Econ is sooo boring to the point in which I was willing/ready to bust out the I-Pod and say fuck it. My physics lab was so confusing too. Granted I came to class unprepared because I only printed the text part (not including the diagrams) of my physics lab manual. So now I DO have to buy black ink. It's funny because with all the assignments I've done, I haven't used black ink in about a year and a half now. I'll make sure that in two weeks when I have lab again that I will have bought some black ink so I can reprint this stupid thing. As for my evening, I spent 5 hours sleeping. Why? Let me explain in this portion of the blog.
The Inevitable Day
In a sense it all started with an online convo last night, but truth be told it's been brooding for a long time now. It's a day that I knew that would come one day sooner or later. Everyone from close friends to even my mother, they all warned me about how to handle that day when it came because they all knew it would come. I've known that it was going to come one day, I was just hoping that I would be able to avoid it or by miracle it wouldn't come at all. It doesn't matter now because that day has come and now has officially past 24 hours removed from what could be (for all intents and purposes) the beginning of the end. For the first time since a late June evening, I cried myself to sleep even though that night I vowed NOT to do that ever again, but I couldn't control myself. So basically, I've failed as a friend. For some reason I couldn’t let her go like the others. Unlike the others she stayed close. For years I've said that if I couldn't make it work with a girl, I would just like to be friends. And for years it NEVER happened. And now I know why...because I can't handle it. And now our friendship hangs in the balance. All because of jealousy and regret, two things in which I've prided myself on not being. I've never been the jealous type and NEVER have lived with regret. Now I live with both. I've had nine months to get over her, and have failed miserably to do so, and now I find myself in the unenviable position of being Lu. I have two options in all of this. Either I need to change a little bit, or I need to go far away and by far away I mean cut ties. Cutting ties would be the easiest way out and probably the best for the greater good of everyone. But I don't want to do that because she's one of (if not) my closest friend and I'd hate for it to be thrown away like that over nothing really and to be honest I'm in too deep in this and to just up and leave is too difficult at this point. This afternoon we tried talking things out, and I could barely bring myself to look at her. Most of the time the brim of my hat covered my eyes or I sat on the floor with my head down. Or I paced around her room with my head down. It was just an upsetting conversation from my point of view just because I put a lot out there, granted a little too late for it to be worth anything, but in the end it's off my head. But at what cost now? I walked home from Schneider today, it was long and quite agonizing because my ankle began to hurt and my big toe for some reason felt like it was cramping up. I called my two roommates to see if they could help me get some booze to help ease the pain of the day but to no avail, and I guess that was God's way of telling me that I'm not going to be able to drink this one out. I came back to an empty apartment around 5 pm and threw a classic Lu fit. Stepped in and whipped my baseball cap across the bedroom, threw my backpack to the ground, flipped my computer chair and slammed that to the ground and flopped into bed and cried myself into a 5 hour nap that I'm assuming began around 6. Everyone could tell something was wrong, but I wasn't ready nor willing to talk about it. So why put it in my blog so everyone in the WORLD can see? Because sometimes things are just easier to explain in writing than in conversation. It's why I write my blogs. It's why the title of this blog is now "Let's Blog It Out..." because sometimes it's what you gotta do to get over things. Ha! Get over things....I need help.
I'm sure things will soon get awkward and I will ride out into the sunset wishing this would have never happened. This is probably the end. I'll most likely lose out on two friends, not because I want to, but because my life (specifically my love life) is a vicious cycle. Remember what the Chinese fortune cookie said "Sometimes love shows a rerun." A rerun that I'm sick of watching.
And why does this all bother me so much? Because I've always been second best, I've never been good enough and to be in my mind so close to something that I thought was so perfect and to come up short is just so painful for me to live through. My biggest fear is to finish my life lonely and never having loved. Sometimes I feel it is my destiny. Sometimes I feel that it is my fate. And it's not like any evidence is out there proving me wrong.
And maybe I'm overreacting. Maybe tomorrow when I wake up things will be back to normal and this will have been one bad nightmare. But in reality it won't. It's gonna be there in the morning, actually, in the afternoon when I see her. I reckon it's not gonna be pretty.

Tuesday, September 05, 2006

Blogging In Beta

So this is a new trick for an old dog. Blogger goes beta, Lu changes up the look and in the end changes up the blog. An interesting off day for me. Not really, I did a whole lot of nothing, though I did have some interesting thoughts. After drawing from the positives of this weekend, I'm actually looking forward to going out this weekend and potentially the weekend after in the state of Indiana. Why the state of Indiana? Well SIU/IU football of course. If we go it'll be one of two trips to Bloomington we'll make this year. It'll be a completely new state for me to see girls, and I've heard good things about Indiana girls, here's hoping they're true.
I'm trying to put myself out there, I really am. It's with a bit of a sense of urgency, possibly desperation...somewhere in the vacinity though right now I'm not sure where it is. I wouldn't call it urgent because I'm not putting myself everywhere all the time. I wouldn't call it desperation because as of right now I am faaaar from desperate. Somewhere in the happy medium is where I stand. Though you could call it a bit urgent because I desperately want out of my current situation. I'd absolutely love to put these days of jealousy of others behind me. I'd like to get those "what could have been..." moments and feelings out of my system ASAP. I want to put to rest any negative thoughts in my head that I am destined to be alone, though as of now signs are pointing that way. I want all of that to be long gone.
So I was thinking about the ramifications of getting out of my situation would be. And I had a scary little vision. Long story short, my vision basically had me doing everything my friends have done to me, making a complete hypocrite out of me. Things like not having time to chill with the guys at a ball game. Or me not being able to go shopping with some of my gals or being able to talk them through their situations. I just hope that if (maybe I should use WHEN) I get into that situation that I don't turn into everything I've hated.
ARGUING THEORIES. There are two theories I want to argue right now. Theory 1: It's better to have loved and lost than to have never have loved at all. Theory 2: Trust over love. Theory 3: You have to start at the bottom to get to the top. Let's start at the top with theory #1: "It's better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all." I'm a believer in that quote, though most would disagree. They would disagree because of the heartbreak factor. I believe that if you draw from the positives of having loved at one point you know what's out there and you know that "love" is attainable. However if you have never loved at all then you don't know what you're missing out on and personally I'd rather not be on the outside looking in. Theory #2: Trust over love. An issue that came from a MySpace survey, I'm believe if given the chance to choose one and one only that you should choose TRUST over LOVE. Why do I believe so? Because trust is the basis for true love. You cannot have true love without mutual trust. Some would say that to be in love you must have trust. Not necessarily because you can be fooled into love, you can be lulled into a false sense of security and love. Some would call that lust. I would call that "some" WRONG because LUST is only on a physical level, love is mental for the most part and everyone knows that mind games can throw someone for a loop. Also remember that love is blind, and it can take over your mind. Thanks Eve. Theory #3: You have to start at the bottom to get to the top. A theory brought to my attention by my old roommate that I disagree with on some levels. I don't believe that you have to hit rock bottom to get to the top, that is a good theory to work with in sports, not in love because it's harder to rebuild a love life from the bottom rung unlike a sports team where you get an opportunity to stock pile lottery picks full of potential. I disagree with it on the basis that yes everyone has their bad relationships, but no one should have to go through that let alone subject themselves to go through that just so they can get to the top in the end. I'm a believer in a middle ground. Yes we all must start somewhere, but I don't think anyone deserves to start at the absolute bottom.
That's it for tonight. Pretty intriguing thoughts, huh? I love when my mind works!

P.S. There has been an executive decision made by me. For the last three weeks or so I haven't shaved. I've been carrying this beard and after this weekend I've decided to keep the beard. People who know me are used to me going through my winter beard phase and I usually don't do summer beard but this is really working out for me. It's filling in nicely and thickly and looks cool on TV. And it's a cool distinctive feature to have. So as of now I'm keeping the beard!

Sunday, September 03, 2006

This Weekend: The Good, The Bad & The Ugly

So I went through three seperate phases this weekend. But what else is new, it's Carbondale. I guess we'll start with the good. THE GOOD: The most limited part of my weekend. I got to go out Saturday night and FINALLY see Mike & Joe in the beer garden at Pinch. I loved it, they played that pop/rock kinda stuff that I like and commonly refer to as "whitey music." It was a lot of fun and a great atmosphere. I got to hang out with some friends that I hadn't seen in a long time and that was great. Heck I even met some new people too. I love meeting new people, always an adventure. THE BAD: I started off in the best of moods Friday, I truly did. The internet was working which meant that for the first time in three weeks Lu got to listen to the Drex Morning Show and I was oh so pleased. And then it was all down hill after that. I got into an argument with one of my closest friends which ended with me being basically pantsed while eating breakfast at McDonald's at the student center with people pointing and laughing at me as I left. Talk about being embarassed. The argument lingered into last night, where we got SOME things resolved though I don't feel closure. I have a feeling we won't have complete closure, and that's coming from the tone of our most recent conversations. I'd just hate for a pretty close friendship to diminish because of one of the most stupid arguments I've ever had, and as a Cub fan I've been in some pretty dog gone dumb arguments. THE UGLY: I had a thought last night, and it wasn't a happy thought. As I sat in my room, alone, again on a Saturday night the only thought running through my head was "There's no such thing as a happy ending, not for me at least." As I saw people hook up as I left pinch last night and reflecting on the events of this week, I'm really down about my social life right now. I can't seem to do anything right. For some reason I can't peak a girl's interest enough to where she has an interest in dating me. This goes back to the "Why Not Lu?" thing again. Yeah I get a lot of shit for 'not leaving my room' but really there's no reason to leave sometime. Unless I'm going to a game or going drinking or going to class there's no reason? WHy go out even, just to re enter the vicious cycle of BS that I go through in my personal life. Yay, let's just subject myself to situations that in the end piss me off. I don't know what I have to do to get a girl interested in me. In my eyes I've done everything right. Maybe my trust in those who I beleive are close to me is my weakness. And if all goes through like I think it will, in fact I'm sure it will end up that way, then it would have just gone to show that I should have no trust in anyone because it'd be another one of those once again situations where I take advice that I probably shouldn't have and once again, set up to fail and basically undermined...AGAIN!!! I want to quit because as of right now I am convinced that there isn't a woman out there good enough for me. I've been over looked and walked over for too long now. All I do is treat women good, hear out all their horror stories and I get frienship status and that's it. And there's nothing wrong with that in principal, but it once again proves that my "idiot" friends are right about not being able to be "just friends" with a girl. After this weekend, and heck this last year, I think I have my proof and evidence that there are curses. Because really the more I do right the farter away I get from any girl that I have any feelings for. Maybe I should just start treating girls like shit, or I should run for Pope again. I just wanna scream in agony. I want to curl up in my bed and cry it out. I just want everything that is inside me just to come out in one big moment and then move on with my life. Until something good happens again, I'm royally screwed.