Wednesday, September 20, 2006

Just A Lil' Bit...

Just a couple of things on the agenda tonight.
  • The thing I miss most about not being in the Chi is the Drex Morning Show which is hands down the best morning show in the world. I love their segment "One Minute Inside A Woman's Head." Granted this isn't as funny as the 'Fat Sheila' segment where inside the womans head she blames her fat ugly friend on why she can't find a quality guy at the bars but this one is up there for quote of the year. This one has to do with having a slutty mom. "I'm not a slut, well I was for a while in college, but that was the beer." That was the single most funny thing I've heard this year and I probably woke up my roommates by laughing so hard. And to think I didn't wanna wake up to turn on the computer this morning. It made being up worth it.
  • So I was disturbed by the following. Walking through the mall I saw a girl with her mother. The girls shirt had writing on it so I had to read it. It said "I'm not a virgin...and this is an old shirt." So I gazed at the girl closely and realized that she couldn't be older than 15. And wearing that shirt with her mother. Are you fucking kidding me? I wouldn't let my daughter out like that, heck I'm not even gonna let my daughter out of my site. But I was just so bothered by that young girl wearing that shirt, with her mother nonetheless. I couldn't believe it I'm still in shock. So I know what you're thinking I'm jealous that someone's getting some. No, I'm not. I'll say this though, there's been a lot of talk about that magical 'V' word, especially linking me and that magical 'V' word and you know what as much as I "regret" having it at this age (I use the word regret very loosely) I'd regret it even more had I lost it to some meaningless fling though sometimes I feel like I'd rather lose it b/c if you don't use it, you lose it. I dunno sometimes though. Sometimes I care, other times I could care less.
  • So my weekend plan not to drink this weekend...probably going down the tubes. I need to drink to be happy. I seriously can't keep my mind straight anymore. I think I have a problem. More to come tomorrow when I'm hopefully in a better mood.

Ahhh, Relaxation

*Sighs* I'll make this quick and painless. I wonder sometimes. I wonder "What If..." I love the "What if..." game. I can play it all day. I remember how WSCR host Mike Murphy has a "What If..." bell whenever someone says "what if..." Heck, even I picked it up when someone says "What If..." under my breath I mutter *ding*ding* what if...ha! Cracks me up everytime.
But I'm not here to talk about the Murph show or the 'What if bell,' instead I'm here to talk about my own 'what if' situation. Sometimes I feel like everyday is a what if situation. What if I had said this? What if I had said that? What if I had not done what I did? What if I did things differently? Personally, unless it is for entertainment purposes, I don't like the What If game because it leaves a lot open for the imagination.
Sometimes I wonder what would have happened had I stayed home for school? Would things be better? worse? the same? What would have happened had I gone to another university? What would have happened had I applied myself earlier and gone to the University of North Carolina where they're journalism school is great too and talk about an absolute fresh start that would have been. What if I had approached things when I got here to Southern? What if I had a different roomie? What if my original roomie had not dropped out?
There's just so many what ifs out there, and to think, I left out all the 'What ifs' that had to do with girls because that my friends is a laundry list.
So why this blog? Why tonight? Because I don't want to live with regret anymore. See this as a public service announcement. If you want something, get it. Go balls out, don't regret it. Even if you fall flat you'll never know what would have happened had you not tried.
Learn from me. I am my own worst enemy. I am my own harshest critic. Do as I say, not as I do.

Monday, September 18, 2006

Poetic Thoughts and The *NEW* Poem

Note: This isn't a normal Lu poem. Unlike many of my other poems this poem is not as detail oriented, description driven work that is full of metaphors and similies. Yes, there are still some, but not as many. With that said, I still hope you enjoy.

Missed Connections (or Blind Lips)
by Luis C. Medina

Beautiful and captivating
those eyes held me hostage.
Alone in the dark with her
I was out of place and obviously
out of my mind.
Discomforting silence lingered in the room,
and I couldn’t grasp the moment
as I failed to capture her heart.

Far from Miss Right
I settled for the wrong girl
at the wrong time.
Her wicked ways
and poisonous kiss had me spellbound.
In the end it was her,
pulling the disappearing act.
Miscast as Miss Right, Miss Right Now
was just a complete miss.

Lost in her eyes
I asked for directions to her heart.
Elusive love sent down unsettled back roads
still ending up lost
and ultimately I lost her;
and those sweet southern lips
that were just not meant to be mine.

At the end of the day
they should all be dismissed.
The sun set on one friendship abruptly,
the other lost without direction and
another became a disappearing act.
And really who wants any of that back?

Well that's it that's my poem. Now to explain it and to defend it. Well the assignment was to make a "list poem" where you make a list and put it in poetry. My original idea was a flipped version of "The Girls I've Kissed," and I was gonna take it turn it into "The Girls I Didn't Kiss." Well after 4 days of trying to write it out, I couldn't and if you read two previous blogs you know that it sickened me not getting this done on time. Well after two days of drinking, putting some random thoughts on paper and taking some advice from a friend of mine I switched it up a little and changed the concept to something like "The Ones That Got Away" and I limited it to a few girls. I think the good things was that I used the original "Girls I Didn't Kiss" premise as a base for this poem, in fact the first two and last two lines in each stanza are derived from the original poem. Originally there was no fourth stanza, there was always intention but never could put it all together. Now for the other inspiration, the girls. Well all of these are based on true life experiences that have happened to me. All of these girls have played intriguing parts in shaping what I think of women and the current state of my life. It was really hard to do what I did with this poem, but that's one of the great things about poetry. I can derive my work from the deepest thoughts nad put them without necessarily putting anyone in particular on blast.
I think the most fun that I've had with this poem is having my friends read it and guess who I'm talking about. Some people got 'em right off the bat, some took some time, some still haven't figured them out. That's pretty cool, just to see who they think I'm talking about. More inspiration you ask? Well I found an old notebook of mine that doubled as a journal for me and there is where I found out that I wrote some pretty deep stuff about women. Also really I looked at some of my old blogs and drew inspiration from them too.
So why choose this as my "list poem?" Because. Everyone knows about my struggles with women and sometimes I find it hard to justify or identify or look beyond my struggles. So the best way to get my emotions out there without necessarily sitting someone down and letting it all go is to let it out artistically. I'm a pretty creative writer, I'm usually good with words when it goes on paper, so it seemed like a perfect choice.
CREDIT WHERE CREDIT IS DUE: I'll do this just to see if he reads this. Shout out to my ex-roommate Kevin Hoos who helped me with the last line of the last stanza. I'll say that I derived that line from Hoos' random rhyme that involved leaving hoes in the past. Hey inspiration comes in the strangest forms.
Thanks for reading, please leave some love.
Oh and PS Thanks to Alicia for giving me the new title 'Blind Lips.'

Victory, Oh Precious Victory!

Those admissions of failure and feelings of demise from Thursday night/Friday morning obviously were premature. Tonight I pulled it out again, taking a poem that I was thoroughly disgusted with and turning it into a piece that I don't hate. I am not gonna say that I like it, because the first two pieces I did for this class I'll be honest I had my doubts about them. This one though I really don't care. This poem is more personal than the first two, so really I'm going a little out of step Charlie for this one. In the end I'm glad that it's over and now I can move along from this topic. So what happened between Thursday night/Friday morning to inspire this sweeping change in stance? I found a notebook and it happened to be my notebook that included several journal entries from my trip to Puerto Rico, some off the top punchlines that I had written down during the flight, some quick hit random thoughts that I was able to jott down in my free time and finally a few journal entries previewing my summer, some that occured midsummer and one that recapped my summer and compared it to my expectations. Obviously that was more than enough inspiration for me.
On top of that, the Bears completed the weekend football sweep that I could have never expected. Granted the Bears were expected to beat the Lions, but 34-7? I love healthy Rex Grossman, me love him long time as long as he so healthy. Seriously though, top 5 defense plus 15 ranked offensse equals Super Bowl contender if statistics of the last 5 Super Bowl Champions has anything to do with it. The Steelers, Patriots (twice), Ravens and Buccs all had middle of the pack offenses and all had top ranked defenses. If the Bears can mimick these squads, the SuperBowl shuffle will be a thing of the past. Now couple that Bears victory with the division 1-AA SIU Salukis upset of Big Ten squad Indiana University for their first 1-A victory in 23 years, plus the absolute spanking administered by Michigan given to then #2 Notre Dame in South Bend just made my weekend worth something! Want icing for the cake? The Cubs took 2 of 3 from the Reds who are basically out of the post season picture after this disasterous weekend. Thank you Rich Hill & Carlos Zambrano, the only bright spots from the second half of a dismal baseball season.
It's times like these specifically that keep me away from being myself. I like that!!!

Sunday, September 17, 2006

About Last Night (And Tonight Too)

A couple of things. First of all I suck at typing when I've been drinking. I think blogging should be one of those things like texting and drunk dialing that should be outlawed when drinking. But I did it anyways. Actually now that I think of it I did all three last night.
Last night (and today) was one of those odd days that had a good start and a poor finish. It seems that everytime I want to go out and drink I come back pissed off. On top of that, I can't honestly remember the last time I drank and did not get absolutely fucked up. I used to be a social drinker, I honestly did, and then sometime sophomore year I quit with that. I'll be honest I point at the weekend Tony came to visit because it's the first time I honestly went out and drank to get absolutely fucked up cuz I was depressed. I find a common theme because really I'm not happy in Carbondale. One of the few things I remember about last night's phone conversation was me repeating "I can't do this anymore, I can't do this anymore." That's how I felt, it wasn't just the alcohol, it was me. I'm not happy here. I content, I'll deal, but I'm not full blown happy. I feel out of place and lonely. I don't feel loved, let alone respected. I don't feel that anything is going right or meant to go right for that part. Oh that was another thing I remember saying last night "I'm not meant to be happy." And until something happens that makes me happy I'll be correct. It's nights like last night that remind me why I believe I'm cursed. Because really there is no reason for me to be in the position I currently am in. Someone of my stature and at my age should be out there either settling down or should be hooking up. Neither of which I can do at this stage of my life.
The feelings I hate are as follows: helplessness, lonliness and depression. All three of which I am currently feeling. I feel as if I can't do anything right and everytime I do anything right nothing comes of it. Lonliness, it comes with the territory of being single. It doesn't help that all of my close friends are in relationships. Depression, comes with the first two. It always comes, it's like the most inevitable feeling in the world. It's like the Cubs choke/collapse, you don't want it to come, you hope it doesn't come but you resign yourself to the fate of it eventually coming.
I hate being single and my fear is that either I'm gonna spend an eternity single, lonely and depressed or I'm gonna settle for the first thing that comes along because she'd be the only thing that would give me the time of day. I don't want to be in that situation. I desperately do not want to be single either, but I don't want to be with a girl just because I have nothing else. That's how I feel now like I have nothing and really check the record books I really don't have anything in that department. I love how people can say "If all else fails, if me and this guy (or girl) isn't married by (fill in age here) we'll be together." That's nice, um if I'm not married by (fill in the aformentioned age) I'll probably hang myself (or insert some other snippy line.)
It's just frustrating. And I don't know what is worse sometimes: having no opportunities or having blown several really good ones. And who really knows how good those were. I'm probably overreacting and have something right in my face and I'm totally missing it. That would just be me in a nutshell. Lu being Lu to put it bluntly. Oh, I now remember MORE of what I said last night. "That's all I need, another girl that wants to be just a friend." That's what my life is, it's a vicious cycle of repetitiveness as redundant as that sounds. It's the soundtrack to my love life. Don't get me wrong, I love having female friends because they're fun and supportive and it gives you a different viewpoint. On the other hand, nothing hurts more on the inside than having a girl, who is a friend, that you absolutely have NO CHANCE at dating. That's like winning the lotto coming from a hicktown. What good is the money if you have no stores to spend it at? I might be a horrible person for saying this, and if anyone of significance reads this they will either not talk to me again or will lose all respect they have for me whatsoever but here goes nothing. What good is a close female friend if you have no shot? Seriously even on paper that looks like a rediculous statement. In fact I take it back because there is a lot of good they can do, but I think anyone who knows me and decides to read this will understand where I'm coming from in this blog (especially with those most recent statements.)
To recap the entire blog. I'm not happy. I'm kinda on the brink of depression. No one loves me. I'm on the verge of resigning myself to the facts that A) I'm not meant to be happy B) I'm meant to be single and lonely and C) My purpose in life is to be second fiddle/the guy who is every girl's best friend. Oh and did I mention I'm pretty PISSED OFF!?!?

QUESTION OF THE NIGHT: So how do you reverse a curse? The Red Sox did it with power pitching and an intimidating middle of the order and great team play. The White Sox got lucky, plain and simple talk about everything that could go right went right for them. So I sit here with a black cloud over my head trying to cure a curse that is plaguing my love life. I don't have the millions of dollars that the BoSox have to load up and get what I need. I don't have an "organization" because remember Jerry Reinsdorf (ChiSox owner) said that it was ORGANIZATIONS that win championships. I don't have an "organization" to help me out here. Maybe I should just quit. Maybe I should call it retirement so it sounds better to the ear because quitting just makes me sound like a loser. But think about it if you were in my shoes you'd quit too.

AND ANOTHER THING. I can't believe that I totally forgot to mention the two biggest stories of the day, the only highlights. For the first time in 23 years, SIU has beaten a division 1A school, and became the first Gateway Conference school to beat a Big Ten team ever by virtue of its victory against Indiana University (yes THE INDIANA UNIVERSITY that produced Antwaan Randle-El and Bobby Knight!) The celebration was killer. Almost as killer as the smile on my face when I saw that Michigan made Notre Dame their little bitches and put up 47 points against the #2 team in the country at the HOME of the #2 team in the country. O-VER-RATED!!!! OVERRATED!!!!!!! WOOO!!!! And that's it, oh and as a sidenote the Cubs won 4-0 behind a Rich Hill compelte game 2-hit shut out of the Cincinnati Reds giving the Cubs their first complete game of the season therefore avoiding the stigma of being the only major league team EVER not to have a complete game pitched for them in a single season. With all that good news, I still found a way to dwell on the negative. It's just Lu being Lu I guess!