Saturday, May 20, 2006

As Much As I Wanted To Do It, I Just Couldn't Do It

I just couldn't bring myself to do it. It was the perfect day to do it too. It would have made sense. Everything hit a pinnacle, everything hit a boiling point. But for some reason I couldn't mutter the words, not even under my breathe. Those words "I quit" refused to leave my mind and my mouth throughout the day. We start with the Cubs and their pathetic performance against the world champion White Sox. As a Cub fan I'm to the point where it's time to clean house. And I mean clean house. Start from the top, Tribune company sell the Cubs to Mark Cuban, he's in the market for a baseball team, look what he did to the Mavs hoops squad. Then fire GM Jim Hendry and hire A's GM Billy Beane and tell him that Theo Epstein is better than him and then he'll be extra inspired to put together the best team in baseball. Look at the talent he's had on that team since he's been there: Chavez, Tejada, Giambi, Damon, Dye, Hudson, Mulder, Foulke, Isringhausen, and then the new kids like Houston Street, Nick Swisher, Mark Kotsay, Jason Duerscherer, Danny Haren, Rich Harden, Barry Zito. All that on a limited budget, imagine if he had a real budget backing him. Next fire dusty baker, he's lost his touch. Hire Joe Girardi ASAP!!!!! If not hire Lou Pinnella. Trade everyone except Zambrano, Lee, Cedeno & Murton. Why? Let's start this whole thing over again with some young talent. Bring me Miguel Cabrera and Dontrelle Willis somehow. Bring me a team that's young and hungry and wants to win. I've been through too much bullshit with this team to quit now. I've supported them through thick and thin. I take shit from Sox fans year round and Cards fans when I'm down at SIU. It's not fair, I'm sick of it, and in fact, it makes me sick. But I can't quit on them, I just can't bring myself to do it. It's as if I've invested so much, why back out now when it can only get better.
Next topic of course: women. I'm a believer that the past influences the future, no matter how hard you try to leave the past behind, it always finds a way to catch up to you. And I think I'm starting to figure out the cycle. It always starts with a crush. The things with crushes is that they're bad for you. A crush is just someone that is only attainable in the perfect situation. A wise man once told me "The problem with crushes, is that crushes crush." I didn't know what that meant until today when it all made sense. Crushes, especially the ones that are unattainable, are always so hurtful because you can't have them, no matter what. My issue is that I have a problem when it comes to getting over crushes. I don't stalk, I don't obssess, none of that. However once in a while I can't help myself but drift into dream land and imagine life with them. I can't help but to think about how much happier I'd be in general if I was with that person. The ones that hurt the most are the ones that are still close. And the thing is, you don't (well I don't) get over the crush until the next one comes along, and you really don't know when that's coming. Right now, I'm currently on crush #4 of the ones that actually mattered. Crush #1 was puppy love. Crush #2 is the carbon copy of #1 in a sense because all the signs point to yes, but there's one thing that is always pointing to no. Crush #3 was the first college crush. Wasn't her type, and despite what I said, I never completely got over her until crush #4 came along. And now I'm stuck on #4. #4 of course is in a happy relationship and wouldn't trade it for the world. Some would say that signs pointed to something that could have happened. I would disagree, but maybe it's because I didn't see the signs. It's kinda reminiscent of crush #1. So really I won't be over crush #4 until the next one comes along. The problem here is each crush seemingly has bigger shoes to fill than the other. Poor #5 when she comes along. I hope she comes along soon and puts an end to this cycle, because I don't know how many more years I can take of this.
Really, that's where it all comes from. The insecurities, the jealousy, the all that fun stuff that keeps me up at night wondering "when's my time?" Sometimes I don't know what I'm gonna do with myself. However I do love when I solve the issues in my mind, it makes me feel better about myself.
And for the conclusion. It'd be easy to say that my life immitates the life of my favorite baseball team. We both have opportunities and some how find a way either not to capitalize on them or just flat out blow it. We both have excuses for why things don't happen the way we'd like. And that's when it hit me...things need to change and need to change now. A part of me says that it's pointless, because everytime I attempt to change things I end up back where I started. On the other hand, I need a change for the positive and the only way to do so is agitate the waters. It's easy to sit back and point out all the good things that happen to others. Especially for those that don't work as hard as I would to get it. I'll be the first to admit that I don't have everything working for me. I have been on the short end of the stick many a time. I've been overlooked, and underrated. And in some cases I was never even given a chance. And everytime I think it can't get worse it does. Well folks, admittedly, I've hit rock bottom. NOW it can't get any worse. It can only get better. It's time to move forward. I don't know how I'll do it, and heck, I don't even know if I will do it. I figure I'll see the change when it happens. In the end I just want to be happy. And I haven't been genuinely happy for consecutive days in a while. And home cooking just doesn't do it anymore. I feel sometimes as if I haven't left Carbondale.
FINAL THOUGHTS: It always seemed to me that my 1st roommate at college lived life as if everyone owed him something because of his short comings. I see a little bit of that in myself. I didn't like that about him when he thought like that, and I HATE that I think like that (now that I've realized that's how I've been thinking.) Yes I have done things for others, but I need to remember that sometimes its good to be selfish. I should be my number one priorty. My happiness should be #1 on my depth chart. An old HS friend of mine once told me "LUCK stands for Learning Under Correct Knowldedge. Know the situation, analyze the situation and then do whatever it takes to make the best out of it." That's a saying that now makes sense too. I love late night blog sessions. They bring out my deepest, darkest thoughts.

Thursday, May 18, 2006

Rants and Raves: It's What I Crave

Wow, it's been a while since I've done a rant and rave blog. And in this one I'm holding back stuff from finals week. So in principle, it should be a goody. Enjoy.
  • The last two weeks of the semester are the most important weeks for any college student. It's the time where you go to class all the time so you know what's on the final, it's the last chance to hook up with the hotties in your class and most importantly its the last time you get to spend with your friends until next year. I always spend a lot of money during finals week. Whether its the last meals, study meals, gifts for the peeps at home or booze and all that fun stuff. Finals weeks, finally is the last chance to party. A great finals week observation. Finals week makes people hungry and horny. Just an observation. Maybe it's me. But it's not. I just call it the way I see it. And the way I see it it's the "last chance to dance."
  • After finals I spent the weekend in St. Louis. I learned a couple of things about St. Louis. For example, that town revolves around two things: the Cardinals and that damn arch. It's a friggin arch, I CAN DRAW ONE!!!! It's a nice historical site, but nothing more. If not for the Cardinals, St. Louis would probably have nothing. Hockey doesn't count because it's hockey. But yeah St. Louis its pretty boring, I wouldn't want to live there full time. St. Louis has nothing on Chicago. Though I will say it was nice to visit my aunt and my puppy and get some great home cooked meals. Fried chicken, spaghetti, steak, eggs & sausage. I love me some home cooked meals.
  • Back in Chicago and it feel sgood to be back. Though I must say some things are well normal. Like I seen some guy laying on a cardboard box covered in newspapers. I seen some under a viduct pissing on a wall. I seen the beggers and the swindlers, the dealers, the gangsters all that. You know sometimes I think my love life (or lack of it) and the Cubs are the two most depressing things in the world. But I forget sometimes theres more to life than that. I sincerely felt bad for those folks.
  • You know what I missed most about Chicago was the Chicago radio. I forget and take for granted how great Chicago radio is. Beyond Mike North on the Score not knowing anything he's talking about with his stupid views and opinions. And to think he was an idol, someone I wanted to be like when I was younger. Then there's old ass Eddie and JoBo on B96 who are two fourtysomethings attempting to appeal to the 18-30 range. It doesn't work anymore. Then there's Crazy Howard Magee on WGCI, keeps me in touch with "the streets" and "the urban community." Still one of the more entertaining shows in the city. However my favorite morning show is the Drex Morning Show on KISS-FM. THey are the most entertaining, and then they mix in music, and on top of that they are fresh and original. With topics like "Keep your love muffin to yourself" talking about guys who are afraid of being in the delivery room because they have weak stomachs. Or jealous over controlling significant others and their wild stories. There's so much more, but you gotta listen, it's the best show in Chicago morning radio, it's worth being up early in the morning.
  • Being a Cubs fan is a major punishment. It's not fair. The crosstown classic is tomorrow and for the first time in my life I am afraid of the White Sox. This year they are clearly better than the Cubs. The Sox have all the bragging rights right now. And without D. Lee, Prior and potentially Ramirez this weekend might be a disaster. However there have been times before when the Cubs were clearly, on-paper better than the Sox and the Sox just out played the Cubs. If Dusty Baker wants to keep his job for much longer, at least if he wants people on hi side, the Cubs need to win at least two out of three from the White Sox. This brings me to my next point. Cubs/Sox isn't the be all end all of all rivalries. I used to think so when I was much younger and oh so immature. It's to the point where I'm not even hyped for this weekend. It's a mid-May road game with a little bit of civic pride on the line. For ocnce this game actually means something to the Cubs, especially if they wanna fight their way back to .500. But that's not my point. My point is that this series brings the worse out of Chicago fans. "Cubs suck!" "Sox suck!" That's all I hear and this is from people who have jobs and careers, people who are supposed to be better than the childish back-and-forth bullshit. Still, Civic Pride is on the line and I'll be cheering my Cubs on. For better or for worse.
  • Second Cub item. Got to go to the bleachers last night and it was amazing. I love that place. I love Wrigley Field. My escape worked. It was great. I was utterly and completely happy for the first time in a long time and it didn't involve getting wasted and drunk dialing. ;-) Instead I got to enjoy my favorite past time at my favorite place in the world. I'd love to go again but they're not playing to their potential and tickets are too expensive to go so see a below average product. OH WHO AM I CRAPPING? I'd go see the Cubs any day of the week. I've been through worse than this. Remeber starting 0-14 in 1997? I do and it wasn't pretty. How about the collapse after the Sox swept the Cubs at Wrigley in 1999? I remember it, I wish it wouldn't have happened. Don't even remind me of games 5, 6 and 7 of the NLCS. Those were the worst days of my life.
  • Third and final Cub item. Alright I know I brought up the '03 NLCS but it's time to let go. That's all I hear from Cubs management "remember 2003." Well guess what that team did good and then in the end they failed and flopped like every other Cub team of mine and any other generations. The '03 team was three years ago and most of those guys aren't around. In fact the only guys who are around that played for the Cubs are Prior, Wood, Zambrano and Ramirez. The two other guys who were on that team are D-Lee and JP and they were on that Marlin team. I'll join this Cub item with the third and this is the final one. Okay they got these cross town classic commercials where Bobby Jenks wakes up the Cub fan and Juan Pierre wakes up the Sox fan. Thinking about it, if a black man came banging a garbage can in my room in the morning I wouldn't take it, but I'd be scared out of my mind. In fact if that was a "real" Sox fan then he would have had his gun bedside and would have shot Pierre on site. And Pierre woulda been breaking into a trailor park, if he made it that far. Personally I'd be afraid of Bobby Jenks. Why? Because he's a big, fat white dude that throws 99 miles per hour and has major anger management problems. And notice the Cub fan was black in that commercial. Where was his colt 45 bedside so he can hit fat ass Bobby Jenks with the bottle? I LOVE COMMERCIALS! AND I LOVE WRIGLEY!!!!
  • Gas prices are extremely too high. I know you here it everywhere and you yourself might be feeling your wallet tighten when you're at the pump. I know it's been said and said over and over again, but this is re-damn-diculous. You're talking about gas being over $3 a gallon and this is more than and it's just not fair to the consumers. And to think consumers are supposed to set the market. I don't wanna sound like a yuppie or a hippie but between the gas guzzling SUVs (driven by the yuppies becasue of their self esteem issues) and high-end luxury cars gas is super expensive. And to think they have to pay for premium gas which is anywhere between $3.20-$3.30 and even higher. It's sick. Makes me want to go back to Carbondale where gas is $2.79!
  • Tomorrow's Friday, first Friday back in Chicago. I guess that's cool. I won't have to worry about going out to house parties, the bars or anything like that, but I would like to go out and have fun. Maybe meet some new peeps. I'm always game for meeting new peeps.
  • FINAL THOUGHT: So much more on my mind but I'm tired. I love city driving. The stop and go. People don't like it but I do. Why you may ask, well the scenery of course. The city is beautiful. It's hands down the most beautiful city in the world. Oh yeah and the pretty girls of course. I'm not a pig by any stretch of the imagination. In fact the line in "The 40 Year Old Virgin" comes to mind: "I respect girls so much I won't even have sex with them." I just don't mind driving down the street seeing a pretty girl with a nice smile. Believe me, I don't go off shouting cheeseball lines from my mom's car. I don't go off honking at honies or whistling like some fool. I just like to look, from a distance. And there's nothing wrong to look at some of the most beautiful lladies this city has to offer. Especially after that bland weekend in St. Louis. StL, where are your girls? Oh yeah they're all sleeping with Pujols. But it's all a front, because he's gay....and 35 years old, not the 23 he says he is.
  • All jokes aside, I miss the daily/nightly blogs. But like I said in a previous blog: the nights of blogging my insecurities, my disappointments, my general anger are behind me.....for now.

Tuesday, May 16, 2006

Settling Things

1st "official" post since I've been home. And by official I mean I'm actually sitting at the computer and THINKING about what I'm writing. Which brings me to tonights topic. THINKING. After a wild night freshman year and nursing a hangover the next morning my old roommate and I had a slurred conversation. I don't remember much, heck I don't remember the conversation except for a line that still resonates to this day. Something to the extent of "Drinking isn't a problem, THINKING is!" It could be that thinking while drinking is the problem, but let's look at THINKING as a sole property. Thoughts get people in trouble, especially when acted upon. I think now that I am home those thoughts that kept me up all night are just after thoughts right now. Little things haven't bothered me, that's a good thing. I'm just trying to get things settled in my life. Whether it be my personal life, whether it be school, whatever it is I just want to make everything well. I've had a HORRIBLE school year. Coupled with just a year of bad luck when it comes to personal stuff and yeah its bothersome. But when those summer winds call they seemingly blow my problems away. My insecurities, eh, they're still there, but they aren't overwhelming me to the point of me getting bent out of shape about them.
And here's tonights inspiration. And of all places it comes from the Cubs. Suprised or not, that's where it comes from. As everyone and their dog knows I'm the worlds biggest Cubs fan. I know a lot people say it, but a lot of my heart and soul goes into the support for that team. Good or bad, I've been through the worst and I've been through times that were good too. So, beyond that this is my thought. I've been listening to this team that is going through a major slump and it's depressing. What's depressing about it is that they're not taking it like men. There's always an excuse somewhere. It's an injury here, a bad call there and in the end all you really have to do is go to the top for answers. I hear the manager talking about "Just wait til things even out" or "the calls just aren't going our way." Then I think about myself, and sometimes that's all I think about. I think about the negatives, too much in fact. Sometimes things don't even out, unless you do something about it. Calls not going your way, well change the approach. Sounds good in principle, but whatever, it's just thoughts. I'm sick and tired of being sick and tired and I'm ready for a change.
This summer is the beginning. I'm on a diet. A serious diet. A diet in which starting Monday and goes until my birthday (July 1st) in which I'm not drinking soda pop, drinking alcohol or eating sweets or junk food. I'm replacing pop and booze with water and juice. And junk food with a sandwich, or maybe some fruit if I can find some. I plan on exercising too. I have an exercise bike downstairs. On top of that every time my parents send me to the store, instead of driving I'll walk. Little things count!
And in the end, I just want to feel good. I want to be happy. It's weird. I got people in my ear telling me to party it up while you can. I got others saying to slow down. Sometimes I don't even know what to do. I think my best option would be to listen to the good influences, ignore the bad ones and just move forward each day because all I can do is control the current day.
Revolutionary thought: no. However this lil' blog session almost served as a "getting things off my chest" thing. It felt good. More to come later, maybe.