- 3 days until I leave Carbondale for Spring Break. I've said it once, and I'll say it again, there is no one looking forward to Break more than I am. I need a week full of rest and relaxation. A week away from the pressures of being a college student, a week to be myself again. It's more of a mental rest more than a physical rest. Physically, I'm tired because mentally, I'm tired. If that makes any sense at all, that's how I feel. It's like, my brain is tired and since my brain is tired, my brain is telling the rest of my body that it's tired. My heart however, is still going strong. So, Spring Break should be fun. I have no major plans, meaning no Daytona Beach, no Cancun, no Vegas, no nothing. So, I'm not gonna be on Girls Gone Wild, Guys Gone Wild or Hoes Fuckin Everybody, I'll be home. Shooting pool, playing X Box and hanging out with my friends. I can't wait for the day I'm able just to hang out with my friends again. No pressure to drink, no pressure to go out and get so totally wasted you don't remember and you're waken up the next morning greeted with a hangover and a call from your mother. One week of not second guessing yourself, no worry because there's no class. Next week is dedicated to not professing your love to a girl once a month. Next week, I'm just gonna straight up chill. Catch up with some people. I got some damage control to do wit some of my girls, so I can deal with that if I get my lazy ass outta the basement. I'll be having fun next week, without a doubt!
- 5 days until Selection Sunday. Selection Sunday is when the NCAA College Basketball Committee picks the field of 65 for the NCAA tourney. I'll be cheering the following teams: SIU Salukis (26-7, MVC Champions), DePaul Blue Demons (18-9, #5 seed in CUSA tourney), UNC Tar Heels (ACC Champions). Those are all my boys, and I hope they get hooked up for awesome years. I'm either gonna be going to the DePaul Selection Sunday Party or I'm hosting a Selection Sunday Party at my house Sunday at 5 pm. I'll be sure by Thursday.
- 26 days until Opening Day. Today was a great day because the 2nd best movie about the Cubs was played on ABC Family "Rookie of the Year" starring Thomas Ian Nicholas (yeah, Kevin from American Pie) and Gary Busey star in the movie in which I attended the Wrigley Field filming of. Thomas Ian Nicholas plays Henry a Chicago boy who breaks his arm that heals really really fast and he becomes star pitcher for the Cubs and leads them to the pennant and later (not shown) the World Title! My favorite part of the movie isn't a particular scene, but the name of Busey's character, over-the-hill pitcher that makes it good in the end (sounds like a damn Cub) Chet Stedman. That's such an awesome name, it's like Porn Star crossed bred with Old Dirty Baseball man. I wish I had that name. Hell, if I ever thought about it, I would use it as my pen name for when I write a poem. Well, back to the countdown til Opening Day, it's the most anticipated day of the year, and I can't wait. There's only one thing that can save me from the current borough I reside in, and that would be the Cubs having a year like they had until September last year, or better yet, a year like 2003 (until game 5, 6 and 7). Hell, better than that, a year like 1908 all over again! I know it sounds silly that a baseball team can bring that much happiness to someone like me. But after what I've been through this semester, hell they've done it before, I'm damn sure they can do it again! Think about it, in 2003, I didn't bitch once about not having a girl. I loved the single life, it meant a lot more money, time and mental effort going to the Cubs instead of some girl that would deprive me of my team and take the money I'd usually put into them. I'm not saying that girls are evil and I would pick the Cubs over a girl, but if it came down to a date with some girl and tickets to game 7 of the World Series at Wrigley Field, let's just say, "Honey, I'll either be home early tomorrow morning, or I'm never coming back (meaning I'd drown in the newly created sea of tears by disappointed Cub fans.) But yeah, if anything can make me feel better, it'd be my Cubbies. Can they make me feel worse, do I have to go back and remember 1997 when we started 0-for-13? I'd rather not. All I ask for is for the Cubs to beat the crap out of the Cards, show the Astros that they're a bunch of bitch-ass flukes, show the White Sox that no matter how many different styles of "Ozzie-Ball" there are, they are still the City of Chicago's step child and our personal bitches, I wanna beat the Yankees...AGAIN! And show that even though we're more cursed than the Red Sox, we'll bestow another curse on those bitches! Go Cubs!
Tuesday, March 08, 2005
Posted by The Ludameister at 9:27 PM
Monday, March 07, 2005
Oh where does this weekend begin. Where has this weekend gone? Hell, it sounds like the beginning of a poem, so patent pending, I might use that in an upcoming poem. Okay, I guess I can start Friday night when I went out for only the 4th time this semester (since January). I left the dorms drunk and came back fucked up. I later made a complete ass of myself with a really good girl and well, if you wanna hear that story, check out the last blog. Okay, that just started my weekend off on a really sour note. You do not want to start your weekend with rejection, followed by a massive hangover and being awakened by a phone call from your mother and grandmother. That's an ouchie! Um, so let's move on to the DePaul loss to #9 Louisville. That was DePaul's only conference home loss of the season, on senior day for all it's worth. It was a close game, but it hits close to home because I'm a big time DePaul fan. #1, they are a CITY SCHOOL! Reppin' The City (Chicago) right! #2, my mother is a graduate, so yeah, I love her so I have to show loyalty to the team. So, the DePaul loss kinda was balanced out by the SIU win against Indiana State in the MVC tourney, but I'll get to them later. There's been an awkward silence between me and the girl since Friday. It's honestly kinda depressing me because this has happened to me before with every girl I profess my love to, we always stop becoming friends. Well, I hope that this doesn't happen with this one. Next, let's move to Sunday. Sunday was a very up and down day. The ILLINI lost to a team that isn't even NCAA Tournament Elligible because of recruiting violations. I-L-L-I-NO Perfect season for you. Then, Kansas lost to unranked Mizzou. I hate Kansas cuz Bill Self is a lying sack of crap assclown that deserves to lose and die! So I'm all good until SI-fuckin-U blows a 23 point lead and a 16 point halftime lead in the MVC semifinals to SMS and they don't go to the championship. 4 straight regular season MVC titles--0 MVC tourney titles. I almost cried, because everything was set up for us to go to St. Louis. We had the ride, we had everything but the tickets that were to be ordered right after the game. It looked so good at one point and at the end, I tossed my hat in disgust, kciked the chair or anything in my room and pouted. Then UNC-Duke took over my room. Me, the die-hard UNC fan & Anti-Duke guy went against the die-hard Duke roomie for bragiin rights. It went back and forth. It was a UNC alley-ooop, then a Duke three pointer. It just went back and forth until the end of the game. UNC ended the game on an 11-0 run for the last 3:05. Sean May took over on the offensive glass and "Everybody Loves" Raymond Felton took over and attacked the hoop. He missed the second free throw that woulda tied the game, but May and the Tar Heels and the Blue Devils knocked the ball around to the freshman "Marvelous" Marvin Williams and in Jordan-like fashion knocked down a put back shot and was fouled. It reminded me of the freshman named Michael Jordan who won the 1982 championship on a jumper as a freshman, calmly and coolly. Is Marvin the next Jordan? I dunno, but he's got all the talent in the world. He's UNC's 6th man and could be the #1 pick in the draft. Back to the game, he calmly hit the free throw. The race was on and JJ Redick missed what woudla been the game winning three (cracker almost gave me a heart-attack cuz he did not score at all in the second half and he's a killa) and as soon as Daniel Ewing air-balled the follow up, I screamed "AIRBALL AIRBALL" and as soon as the clock hit triple zero I ran out into the hallway screaming "MY WEEKEND HAS BEEN SALVAGED! MY WEEKEND HAS BEEN SALVAGED!" UNC became the ACC champs for the first time since 1993 (last time they won the whole damn thing) and I celebrated because U of I (LOST), Kansas (LOST), Kentucky (LOST) and most importantly DUKE (LOST!) So in a weekend that started with the lows of rejection, drunken rage, drunken depression, a massive hangover and losses by two of my favorite colleges in big games (DePaul and SIU) my weekend was salvaged by a simple basketball game. That truely is the story of my life. GO HEELS (2005 ACC Regular Season Champs)! GO SALUKIS (Back-to-back-to-back-to-back MVC Regular Season Champions)! GO BLUE DEMONS (Chicago's College Hoops Squad, not the ILLINI)! YESSSSSS! That my friends is what you call a salvaged weekend!
Posted by The Ludameister at 12:55 AM
Sunday, March 06, 2005
Friday night was absolutely the worst night I've had since I've been down here at SIU-Carbondale. Absolute insanity it was. So crazy, I had flashbacks to four years ago. That's not good. First of all, I left to go out Friday night, DRUNK AS HELL! Like, thats the state I should have been in on my way back, no that's how I left. I had 5 whiskey and cokes which had two shots of whiskey each. And then I took 3 other whiskey shots. Do the math, thats 13 shots of whiskey. When I got to the pit (oh, I went wit steve, just so you don't think I went by myself) I had a stone sour (amaretta and OJ). But later, maybe 20 minutes later, I bought two drinks, another stone sour to go along with a screwdriver (vodka& OJ). I was big time double clutching. Except that the screwdriver was basically orange colored vodka, which made it oh so delicious. Then, the "Liquor Ladies" as my boy Nick would call them, you know, the hoes that pass out the "Mystery Shots" as I call them in test tubes, came to me and I took two shots of whatever the hell they were giving out. As I made steve hold my drinks, which were almost done. Those two shots were almost the end of me. Steve thought I was gonna puke, I thought I was gonna pass out. But that don't happen easy with me. Why? Because I was on a mission. I was already drunk, I needed to finish the job. Steve finished whatever I had left of those drinks. He combined them to make a "Stone Screwdriver." Let's move on to moments I remember. Oh yeah, there was jailbait again at the pit, and they tried dancing up on me, but I was drinkin. I've got a lil motto for them: "15 to 20 minutes ain't worth 16 to 20 years!" Dats me, and there's two things I want from my love life. I want to remember my first time, and I don't want any tampered first time (that means no hookers and no jailbait!) Next moment, um, some guy pushed me and I almost spilled my drink. I was talkin to my guy Gabe and he's like "Who pushed you, we'll go beat his ass...let's go." That was funny, the want to beat someone's ass just cuz they almost spilled my drink. Oh, I danced with a friend of mine, and let's just say, if not for the pole I was up against, I probably woulda collapsed. I was too drunk to be standing on my own feet. I was drunk when i left the dorms, now it was time for my return. Steve was going to leave me to go to the bars, so I had to call someone to come and pick me up at Jimmy Johns. It was funny, cuz let's see the events that led up to that. I got offered X and thesed dudes in the middle of the street offered to give me bottled beer...but that's when I walked into Jimmy John's. Once again, I cannot afford a public drunkeness ticket. Not on the salary of $0.00, not a chance, so I gotta keep it clean. So, refer back to last weeks walk back, that's who I called to get me, the girl. When she met me at Jimmy John's I offered to buy her a sandwich, she refused. Oh yeah, about Jimmy John's. My friends swore up and down that the girl who lived across the hall worked there, I supposedly acted like I didn't know her. How embarassing, funny, yet damn, that's how fucked up I was. Well, she walked me back to the dorms and we had a long chat. just like last time, but it was just me and her, no cellphones, no other friends, just me and her. And I told her a lot, but I kept mentioning that when we got back that I need to talk to her just me and her, alone. I think she knew what was up...she probably knew more than me, but thats only cuz I was drunk. When we finally got back, she said she wanted to go finish her movie, but I wanted to finish the job, I wanted my conversation...alone. I kicked everyone out of my room and locked the door. When everything was settled, I finally let it all go. I professed my love to her, and I mean profess as in I didn't pull the "I really really really really like you" deal again. I told her that I wanted to be more than friends. Then came the drunken rampage. And it wasn't angry, but it was depressive, buecause I just let four (nearly five) years of depression hit me all at once. I feel bad, cuz I let her have it. I pleaded my case in so many ways. I asked so many questions and said so many things like. It's obviously my fault and some other shit. I remember her saying things that other girls have told me and I remember telling her that other girls have told me that before and that I want us to be different. She said it wasn't me, that it was her. Once again, I took it personal. I also took that time to clear up some things that happened last week. But then, I did something I haven't done in a long time. I cried, I bawled my fuckin eyes out. I called myself a loser, a failure. And why, because of a girl. If not for my roommate, I don't know what woulda happened to me. I was too out of it to know what was going on. I got the lecture of my life time and how I wasn't a failure because I've made it farther than where I was supposed to be. That my roommate doesn't associate with failures, that he isn't friends with failures. That I shouldn't judge the value of my life by women, because guys like me are gonna end up with good jobs and families and happy in the end while people that I described in my drunken rant will end up "jacking off to porn by themselves in their parents basement." To think about last night, I want to cry again. As I told her last night, if I could have one thing, I wish I could turn back the clock to the beginning of the year where I knew no one and I was a neutral party, before all of this. I want to start over, I want to start everything over. Hell if we can, can we go back to seventh grade, I'll do it all over again. I'll study harder, I'll fix my past mistakes with girls and I'll do the things I should've done, personally, school wise and with women. Problem is that I wouldn't be here, writing this. That is what makes reality the best thing. You have to live life day-to-day and deal with what's given to you. Do I like this girl? Yes. Do I love her? Now I do, but what is there to say that I don't find someone better tomorrow. I can't believe I talked suicide last night. I said lotsa things last night that I wish I could've just taken back. To close this blog session, I have to say a few things. All I ever wanted was one chance with her because good girls like her deserve good people like me (not drunken me) but me as the normal good hearted me...Not the assholes they generally end up with. I also would like to thank my roommate who took care of me. I'm glad that someone out there understands me besides myself and that he was able to deal with me. No one else could've dealt with me without pummeling me, but he did. He doesn't know how much I appreciate it, but I do. And I would like to thank the blog, for without you, I'd be a bundle of depressed rage combined with a binge drinker pushing alcoholism. That's not the life I want for myself. So, now with spring break 5 days away, I need to move on from this situation. But this is gonna be hard, because this has "The one that got away" written all over it...again. And I'm tired of going through this shit. I'm tired of being second fiddle. I'm tired of just being a "good friend". I'm tired of being single while everyone else is happy. As I said last night, again, quoting myself, "I just want to be happy again." If there is someone out there that can bring me happiness, bring it to me. Until then, I'll go back to February 26th, Championship Saturday. The last pure happiness moment I've had in a long time. Holla at a playa when you see him in the street.
Posted by The Ludameister at 2:14 AM