Friday, September 01, 2006

This Is It

When I returned to the original blog, I vowed to be a new blogger. I was to leave the past where it was and move on. Well I haven't moved on, I am currently stuck in a rut and really to be honest I never left the rut. This sucks. I'm not happy. Now I'm wishing I never would have came back to Carbondale. If I wasn't here, none of this would be happening and things would be so much simpler, I'd be happy. I'm sick of it. I've got problems, everyone else has problems and I don't have a problem helping people with their shit but when I've got my own shit, no offense to anyone but I could care LESS about your situation. I sit here most nights depressed. Other nights I sit here wishing I was somewhere else or someone else. I spend my days not thinking about things, but things follow me. I'm not happy and all I want is to be happy or at least someone to talk to. I'm just not happy now! So this is the end of blogging until I find something good to write about!


I remember the first time I ever heard of a blog, I learned that one of its uses was that it could be basically used as a confessional. Using the space granted to get things off your chest. Well I'm at that point in this day where I NEED to get something off of my chest.
First of all I'd like to say that it is quite possible that I have changed. Some will say that I have changed for the worse. I might agree, I might disagree, but I just want to be happy and I'm not changing just for anyone. Secondly I realized where I have failed the last two years. Basics. I haven't gone back to the basics. I haven't gone back to simplicity or my happy zone and it has bogged me down for the last year or so. So where is this random confessional blog coming from? I reference November 2005, a period in which I call the downfall period. That's where the downward spiral begins. And why does it begin, why else, a woman! Next I'll reference my epiphany from last November (you can read it in the Nov. 2005 blog section). In short I realized that I had a crush and that all crushes come to an end at one point or another, somehow or someway.
So if you're reading this you're wondering where I'm going with this. Well it was about 9 months ago when I did the dumbest thing that I've EVER done in my life. Everyone knows that I'm not the kind of person who lives with regret I usually just move along. This one I haven't. Because of this situation I've made a hypocrite out of myself. For years all I've wanted is that if I couldn't date a girl that we could at least be civil and be "just friends." And now I know why all my friends have told me that you can't be "just friends" with girls, especially girls you had feelings for. It just makes things awkwards especially when one party has those feelings and the other doesn't. To quote the Rascal Flatts song "What hurts the most is being so close..." and that's where I was, so close. Or at least that is what I like to think. Basically I let what could have been the best thing to EVER happen to me just go without a fight and it kills me inside EVERY DAY! I said then in my blog that the best idea for me would have been just to go away, far away and never return. I said it half-heartedly then, but now I realize that would have been the smart decision to make. So now I can't get her out of my head, especially with her being one of my closest friends. She's perfect in basically every way, she doesn't see it but I do. Her boyfriend takes her for granted and doesn't appreciate what he's got. He doesn't see it, but I do. So here I am, in too deep with feelings for my friend (who happens to be my ex-roomie's) girlfriend. It's the absolute WORST thing that could have happened.
And getting over her hasn't been easy. In fact I have really just come to realize NOW that I'm not over her. Why aren't I over her? It's simple. A) I haven't found another girl & B) We've remained close friends. That's a recipe for failure and disaster. I said it back in November that I either need to find a girl for my own and not just any girl, not no one night stand, not some fling, I need to find THE GIRL to get over this one. Or I needed to cut all ties. At this point, not finding ANY girl, my best bet is to cut all ties. It just goes to stregnthen my case that I am destined to be alone and miserable. It only makes PERFECT sense.
On top of that another situation has made a complete hypocrite out of me. I'm in a situation where basically I have someone served on a silver platter for me, actually set up for success. However I really don't have an interest in this person. Not yet at least. I'm sorry I just can't jump like that, it's not who I am. Especially when I'm not over her yet. I hate being forced I hate being pressured. As of now there's only a handful of girls I'd jump for right now and as of now all of them are unattainable to me so really I'm stuck in the situation every girl I've gone after has been in. I remember hating every girl that told me this "I like you but not in that way." Now that I'm in those shoes I know what the girls have meant.
I'm honestly just waiting for one more to fall, and then I can claim the official end of me. I know it's coming, and I know it is coming soon. I'm waiting for it, and when it comes I'll curl up on my bed, hug a pillow and cry myself to sleep. It's times like these that REMIND me that I am cursed, no matter what anyone says.
One of these days I'm gonna be presented with the following situation. It'll either to settle for the sake of settling or I'm gonna be alone and depressed for a long time. That's it, like Chris Rock said "Married and bored or single and lonely." That's gonna be me, well it is me now, single and lonely.

Blogging It Out

So, about last nights blog. I'm sure you're all confused. And by "you all" I mean you who randomly found this blog or you looking over the shoulder of someone that you know who found this blog. I highly doubt anyone actually reads this because the content is generally repetitive and quite boring. I'm sure if it was happy fun time blog it'd be uber-popular. However when you don't have happy fun time to write about, then really you've gotta just blog it out.
So last night was a bit weird for me. Between my phone and online convos I was on the verge of doing something VERY foolish within a 72 hour period. However after sleeping it out I decided to hold out on what I wanted to say. It's just smarter that way. It's better for the greater good. It's tough because it's been something I'd been holding in for a while and it's not like I can just come out with it and say it and have it accepted by the general public. By deciding to keep things in my mind I've saved my friends, our friendships and my mental state. I'm glad I decided to sleep on it. Though to be honest I was tempted because I was at a point last night where I didn't care and I wanted it all to end. But right now I've decided to attempt to take a step back, we'll see how long it lasts.
IN SOME GOOD NEWS...SIU ROUTED some school of nobodys 49-0. Junior QB Nick Hill looked like Mike Vick in his first start and Arkee Whitlock looked like Reggie Bush out there. Fuck Brady Quinn! Arkee Whitlock for Heisman!!!! I know it's not possible, because the Heisman doesn't go to I-AA players, but Arkee's the man! It was a pretty good night out with a majority of the gang. Tonight the gang consisted of me, Hoos, Steve, Alicia, Sarah, Bob, and my new guy Billy (his first game). After this game though, I must say I am not sure about bringing girlfriends to sporting events. And the only reason I'm saying this is because it didn't seem as if Hoos was the same. Granted it was a cupcake game against a school we'll probably never hear from again, and yes we did miss opening kick off. It just wasn't the same. And everyone knows where I stand when it comes to bringing significant others to ball games. Remember, I'm the guy who can't take a girl to a ball game because having to explain every detail to her would be too much. Unless I did it at a game I didn't care at, like a Sox game. I don't know if I can take a non-Cub fan, non-baseball fan to a Cubs game on a date. I'm on record saying it here, other blogs, and in living color. And yes, there was a point that I was gonna take a girl to Wrigley just cuz it would have been her first time, but I decided against it, and I'm glad I did because I probably just would've embarassed myself in front of her. It's another reason I can't take a date to Wrigley (unless we'd been together for a while.) I'm a lil' bit of everything when I'm at my home away from home. I cheer loudly when they're good, I boo when they're bad, and I get angry when I feel that they are straight fucking up! I scream, I yell, I cheer & I beer. The way you're supposed to. Seriously, how attractive would it be to a girl when you spend innings heckling the opponents relief pitchers as they sit defenseless in the bullpen, or heckling outfielders who have to stand there and just take it.
So maybe I'm out of step Charlie when it comes to taking your girl to the ballgame. And one day I'm sure a girl will make a hypocrite out of me. But that's a different blog for a different day. Good night from Carbondale!

Wednesday, August 30, 2006

Stuck In A Moment

As of right now, my mindset is eerily similar to something I went through last year. Academically I'm lost again. As the days go on I regret becoming a journalism major. Not because it's not what I want to do, but just because I feel as if by declaring a major so young in my collegiate career that I limited what I could do and limited my mind on what I wanted to do. So instead of becoming that great columnist or that great sports reporter I'm thinking instead about being an English teacher, or a writer. Right now there are two things I REALLY want to do. I want to go on a vacation and either write a book that is loosely based on my life OR I want to write a book of poetry, now that I'm back in my poetry phase. As of right now my focus is getting superior grades in each of my classes. NO EXCUSES, it's time to get shit done and get it done the right way.
Focus, hmm that's a good word. Okay so I lied, my grades are not my complete focus, back to my social life. So far I've done a good job repressing all feelings I've had. But I don't know how much longer I can do it. What I'm doing is oh so difficult and excrutiating. It's so complex as of right now that I can't even explain it. I truly do not have the words nor the need to explain it to an audience. Though I must say there's an audience out there that knows my story, but that is a select group. I'm at a bit of a crossroads. I see some of my closest friends in generally happy relationships and then there's lil' ole me still waiting for my piece of the pie. And once again, the worst place to be single is when ur friends aren't. Nothing more depressing as being the single guy in a group of those who are taken. You're the outside looking in, listening to their stories and not being able to contribute, ready to take the shot that you know is coming because you are the inexperienced one. So my dilemma as of right now is: settle or search or stand pat. As of right now I'm standing pat. I'd LOVE to settle, but I'm like a sports team executive, should I be a ceiling guy or a floor guy? Go for what I know or go for what COULD be and hope to land in the potential pool. And everytime I go on a search I come back empty handed. Kinda like President Bush in his search for Osama or those weapons of mass destruction.
And finally, the Cubs aren't helping matters much. They did a good job of bending over against the Cardinals even though they kept Pooholes in check for the entire series. It's depressing watching that team, knowing what's going to happen and playing it out in your head before it happens on TV and it somehow turns out worse than what you could have imagined. And then to get swept by the Pirates. Dear Joe Giardi, don't only bring yourself, bring along Miggy Cabrera, Han Ram (SS Hanley Ramirez), Ricky Nolasco, Josh Johnson & Dontrelle with you too. The Cubs are no longer a sinking ship, they are the Titanic. And to think, it was only October 13th 2003 when I thought I was going to a World Series. I was wrong, dead wrong!
Right now I'm stuck in a moment, and I want out!

Monday, August 28, 2006

Long Time, No Blog

I know, it's been a while since I've blogged. However there were only two days in which I had internet access at my apartment, so no dice when it comes to the blog. So right now I'm at a friends place, posting the random blog. In this random blog I will tell you that I am alive and doing well in the apartment. As of right now I am enjoying my new roommates and enjoying off campus life. Also I'm enjoying my classes, especially my poetry class in which I'm already writing more poerty and stuff like that. Things are FINALLY looking positive even though I spent my first week basically sick for some odd reason it was like I caught something. Personally I am still having issues, but I'm repressing them as much as I can. I'm in a situation in which I am way too deep and in search of a way out. I'm sure I'll figure it out. I'm in Carbondale with some good people who are pulling for me and trying to help me out. It's more than I can say about any other year, especially last year when it seemed that everything was against me. And maybe it was. LAst year just wasn't my year. I'll admit it. But this year is supposed to be different. I know I say that every year religiously, at least twice a year (save one for the Cubs of course) but I seriously BELIEVE that this year WILL be different, I'm sure of it. Not because of the theory that "anything will happen that can" just because I feel different. I feel as if change is on the horizon. I'm feeling that good things are in my immediate future. I could be wrong, I have been wrong in the past and will be wrong again in the future. But for the present, I'm hoping that I'm not!!!