Yay! Valentine's Day Is Over!

Let me take this time to rejoice now that Valentine's Day 2007 is in the book.

(Cheers and claps)

Alright, now back to business as usual. I was right in a sense about Valentine's Day, it was just another day. I woke up and listened to the DreX show. Got on the bus at 11:30, as I usually do on Wednesday. Turned my I-Pod to the same playlist of songs that have been put together since I returned to Carbondale in January. And it was another boring day in the classroom.

Wearing black didn't go unnoticed. Two of my friends wore black, to go along with myself. One friend wore it because she (like I) disliked Valentine's Day. My other friend didn't realize he was wearing black and its significance until I had brought it up to him later in the day when I saw him at the apartment. I didn't realize I was wearing black until my friend in class mentioned that I too was wearing black....it reminded me of high school....without the whole idea of Valentine's Day being shoved down your throat.

An interesting note, 7 people wished me a "Happy Valentine's Day" today. I found it odd, seeing as how everyone and their dog knows how much I don't like the day. Still, I was appreciative of all the well wishers today, one in particular, but I'll shy away from mentioning them by name. Take note that I did not say if it was a him or a her. Uh-oh, that might backfire on me. I better tell everyone that it indeed was a HER because I don't wanna get no rumors started about me. No Brokeback!

In all seriousness though, I'm still a bit confused about what happened today. I spent a majority of the day in a good mood. Valentine's Day depression didn't set in until about 10 p.m. and by that time it was too late to have an all day drunk fest. I was sober, and happy on Valentine's Day. I'm sure my roommates were a bit stunned to find me in those conditions on V-Day, I know I was amazed myself.

One thing I'm not confused about was my awesome poem that I presented that won me a $10 gift card. I posted the poem on an earlier blog, noting that the poem was fitting to be posted (and performed) on Valentine's Day. You've got to love the artistic work I come up with when I'm motivated and writing about what I know best....being bitter about my love life.

In the end, Februrary 14th 2007 was just another day. The sun rose, and then set. Between sunrise and sunset I went to ate breakfast, went to class and ate dinner. I had happy moments, I had not so happy moments, I had moments in which I'd rather sleep than be in class. As for my so-called love life. I'm still single. I'm still bitter about being single. I'm still carrying a vendetta that is about a year and a half old.

With all that said, February 15th 2007 is the first day I attempt to move away from that..that...thing. What!?! I don't know how else to describe that situation!

Good night from Carbondale!

Final Thought: I thought it was an interesting question my roommate asked me before he left. He asked me where this Valentine's Day ranked among all-time V-Day's. This was the best Valentine's Day I've had since I've been at SIU. But that's not saying much, especially knowing how the last two Valentine's Days have gone for me.

Final Thought II: I love how I'm using concepts I've learned in my JRNL-310 class to help enhance my blog. Writing in shorter paragraphs (trying at least), providing links (to past blogs, or outside sources for example.) There's no writer more dangerous than I when I use what I learn to my advantage.

Alright, now I can go to sleep!

Valentine's Day: It's Not Just Another Day

I've made no secret about Valentine's Day being my least favorite holiday. In fact, I personally don't see it as a holiday because I still have to go to school and my mom still has to go to work. The only way V-Day becomes a true holiday is if Hallmark's President is elected President of the United States. I'm sure the President of the US has the power to declare holidays. I'm sure it's somewhere in the constitution.

But this post isn't about making Valentine's Day a federal holiday, it's about my hatred for the day itself.

I've tried (unsuccessfully) to ignore and discredit V-Day as much as possible. I've been referring to it as "that day," "that Wednesday" like Bill Parcells talked about Terrell Owens as "the player." I tried looking away, but obviously I failed. Valentine's Day is like a car wreck, it's bad but you can't take your eyes off of it.

My hatred for Valentine's Day traces back to my days as a grammar school student. I never got Valentine's cards from any of the girls I liked. Heck, I was happy to get anything from anyone in those days. Personally, I liked chocolate, specifically Fannie Mae chocolate, which was always my gift from my mother who always knows how to make me happy when I'm sad. I guess that's just what mom does.

That hatred grew as the years went on and I still continued to have a dark cloud over my head on Valentine's Day. No Valentine for me. It grew to a fevered pitch in high school where it was celebrated to the umpteenth degree. People getting gifts before, during and after class. Happy couples all over each other. The hallways decorated in red and pink with flowers and balloons everywhere. It sickened me to the point to where when Valentine's Day game around I would take a personal day and cut school. I know, it's juvenile, but why depress yourself by surrounding yourself in an atmosphere you absolutely hate?

The saddest Valentine's Day was in 1998, when I found out while watching the news, that Harry Caray had suffered a heart attack while having dinner with his wife Dutchie. I knew Harry would pull through, there was absolutely no doubt in my mind that Harry Caray would get out of this condition and find himself broadcasting baseball games as soon as possible. Unfortunately, Harry didn't pull through and died on February 15th.

That was the most heartbreaking Valentine's Day ever. That day was one of the most hurtful days in my life. My idol had died. Kids my age wanted to be doctors, lawyers, actors, actresses....I wanted to be the next Harry Caray. Coincidence or not, Uncle Harry as I called him, died on the day I despise the most. I guess it makes sense as another reason on why I hate Valentine's Day.

I can't say that I've had one happy Valentine's Day. Not one that was completely and truly happy. Something always went sour on Valentine's Day, and it always happened in bizarre ways. Like a girl telling me she wasn't interested in dating anyone, then dating three guys in a span of two months.....two of which were friends of mine. Or what I thought was a well written "love note" getting lost in my backpack and me unable to get the words to tell her how I felt before it was too late and she was dating someone else. Valentine's Day brings out the worst in me.

On a closing note, I won't forget how bad I felt last year on Valentine's Day last year. Last year's bad V-Day feelings dwarf freshman year's classic "I really, really, really.....like you" drunken rambling. My ex-roommate's girl had this extravagant plan on decorating our room for him on Valentine's Day and I decided I'd do my part by leaving the door unlocked for her, but I (Mr. Bitter About Valentine's Day) told her that if one decoration got on my side on the room that I wouldn't be happy. When I woke up that morning, I looked around and our room was well decorated....well, his side was. I looked at my side and there was nothing, and I thought to myself "this is sad." I'll be honest, I was jealous. But think about it, wouldn't you if you're roommate had this wonderful girlfriend that was willing to surprise him by decorating his side of the room and giving him nice things on Valentine's Day?

As for me. I spent my Valentine's Day alone in my room. I made myself dinner and cheesecake, then watched SIU lose a pivotal game at Bradley that in the end was one of the reasons they didn't win the MVC regular season title.

So what does this year's Valentine's Day have in store for me? Not much if anything. My mom sent me Fannie Mae chocolate's, so that could hopefully soften the blow of not having a Valentine, again. After that, nothing. There's no girl that I'm crushing over. There's no one that is going to be my Valentine. Heck, there's no chance that my room, let alone my apartment will be decorated.

Once again, Valentine's Day is gonna suck. I'll probably work on some homework, and then do some heavy drinking. Not that there's anything wrong with that.

It's February 1st, Do You Know Where Your Mind Is?

Sorry folks, that's the best title I could come up with. I guess I'm not in much of a headline writing mood, but whatever. But I know I did come to post a blog tonight for a reason. That reason is to spread the word that Valentine's Day is coming. A sign at the Student Center bookstore said it best, and I'm taking it as my own little motto for the pseudo-holiday "Valentine's Day is February 14th. Consider Yourself Warned." I first noticed that when I went to pick up my books, standing in the super long line. Of course I was stopped in front of the Valentine's Day display of books and stuffed bears that sang. And of course some idiot decided it'd be cool to make everyone of those stupid little bears sing and then film it on his phone as I heard him mutter "my girlfriend would enjoy this." Personally I wanted to take my basket of books and knock him in the forehead.

I digress.

Valentine's Day is the bane of my existence. Okay, maybe I'm going a little too far with that, lemme try it again. I hate Valentine's Day with an undying passion rivaled by few things. Of course my hatred for Valentine's Day takes a back seat to:

1. The St. Louis Cardinals
2. Duke basketball
3. Ohio State football
   
4. Creighton basketball
5. The Chicago White Sox

I'm sure there are things I'm missing but as of now that's my not-so-happy list.

Valentine's Day is a horrible day (for me) let's just face facts. It's never been a good day for me. As a child, I got the least amount of Valentine's Day cards. I never had a girlfriend on Valentine's Day, you know how much it sucks when everyone else does? Then there are the times that I just go out of my way to fuck up Valentine's Day (i.e. "I really, really, really.....like you.") for example. Oh and then there's the times I actually made efforts and got rejected in a way Dikembe Mutumbo would envy. Don't forget, you're talking about Mr. Cursed, Mr. "I Believe In Black Cats & Billy Goats", Mr. I Can Pull A Sports Reference All The Time When I Talk About My Love Life....

....oh yeah and then there was this....(see below)

I think the worst Valentine's Day was in 1998, when I heard on the news that my idol, Cubs announcer Harry Caray, suffered a heart attack while at dinner with his wife Dutchie in Arizona. Harry died soon thereafter. Think about it, my idol fucking dies on Valentine's Day; I think that's a sign of a day that's not meant for me to be happy. I cried when I found out he died. But this blog isn't about Harry Caray (R.I.P. Uncle Harry, you're still missed.)

But for once, this Valentine's Day is different in a way. For the first time in a long time (if ever) there is no girl that I'm head-over-heels in love with. There is no girl that I am willing to go out of my way to make her mine. Well, technically there is one girl but she's kinda taken. Damn you Tony Romo, damn you to hell! (Ha! you thought I was gonna play a certain card didn't ya? I know you did...I almost did, but damn Tony Romo for taking my Carrie Underwood!) Anyway, this year, she (being the single version of the girl of my dreams) doesn't exist, and to be honest it's kinda weird. Usually it's quiet nights like this in which I plot my Valentine's Day mission and I'm all giddy and happy and hopeful and all that stuff that leads to major let down when you get the cold shoulder. I tell you what, there's nothing like rejection on Valentine's Day.

So what's Lu gonna do for Valentine's Day this year? To be honest, I have no clue. I can't get super drunk because I have a major writing assignment due the next day. The beneficiaries of this of course are my roommates who won't have to deal with "lonely/depressed/drunk about being single Lu" and my computer chair that usually gets tossed in rage/anger/depression. Since V-Day falls on a Wednesday this year I have two classes; hopefully I won't be stuck on campus too long so I won't have to deal with the potential of happy couples. As for Wednesday night, an early dinner followed by a night of writing a paper for POLS 352I. You know, if I get it done early, I can still get completely trashed on V-Day. I guess that'd be pretty sweet.

The safest bet for me on Valentine's Day is to stay away from the radio, the telephone stay off instant messaging services (or the internet as a whole) and to trap myself in my room, only emerging to use the restroom and cook food (and of course go to class.)

My hopes for Valentine's Day are small. All I want is my mom to send me Fannie Mae chocolates from Chicago because if not for them Valentine's Day would just be officially the worse day in the history of mankind. Even ranking below "Bartman Day."

To be honest, a part of me wants to get that assignment done A.S.A.P. so maybe I could have a chance to go drinking at the bar, in hopes for a Valentine's Day special. Nah, let's not get my hopes up.

*Sighs* For Valentine's Day there will be no act of defiance towards V-Day lovers. I'll try to get on with my day on a normal schedule, nothing special and try to act like it's just another day; because really it is. It shouldn't even be a holiday cuz I still have to go to school!

And of course, the Cubs fan in me will get the final word in this all. I know it's cliche to say "with every cloud there's a silver lining," but this year I believe it. With the gray cloud of Valentine's Day hovering, February 14th brings one positive. It is the day where Cubs pitchers and catchers report to Mesa, Arizona for Spring Training and it is the first day in a season that hopefully ends with a World Series championship in October. February 14th: The 1st Day Cubdom Strikes Back.

I guess it won't all be bad...until I find out that Mark Prior and Kerry Wood are out for the season already. But let's hold off on that for a while.

Hope you enjoyed my rant that makes absolutely no sense, but it felt good to write it!

"There Is No Joy In Mudville, Mighty Casey Has Struck Out"

As a child who has been obsessed with baseball his whole life, I must say that my favorite child's tale is Casey at the Bat. Everyone knows Casey's story, if you don't then you're obviously an idiot! For the idiots out there I can give you a Cliff's Notes version. Casey's a good ballplayer, I mean really good. Folklore has him like Barry Bonds...with red hair, minus the steroids and snitching. Casey was the shit, but was full of himself and basically his attitude cost his team the game when he struck out with the game on the line when had he been playing the whole game Mudville would've smoked the opposition. So what does this story have to do with anything? I dunno, but I kinda feel like Casey now. Well, not really because Casey's much more talented than I am, but that's neither here nor there. I'm talking about the whole striking out thing, with the game on the line. Striking out sucks, it's the worse feeling in the world. It must have sucked for Casey b/c it was his only at bat during the game so it's like you sit on the bench all game, get summoned for one at bat and then are dispersed to where you came....and on top of that you're team loses. Once again, where does any of this matter? I feel like Casey, that's all. Striking out, for starters. No joy in Mudville (instead insert either Chicago or Carbondale.) It all makes sense. I was watching this show on MTV called Exposed, in which contestants are being monitored through lie detection/voice analysis software by someone in a surveillance truck. The one guy didn't tell one lie, while the other guy he was competing for the girl with spewed countless lies throughout the date. You would think the girl's gonna pick the honest guy. Nope, she picks the liar. Why? Because she thought the truthful guy would be too innocent for her. Are you kidding me?!?!? That's the most ridiculous statement I've ever heard, but it does make a lot of sense now that I think of it. Girls are always picking idiots over good guys, it's been like that for centuries, why would it change for a television show? I guess lying is a damned if you do, damned if you don't type of ordeal. You're lame if you don't lie to a girl, but if you do lie you're gonna get reamed for it. It's why women drive me absolutely up a wall. Later, I watched a news story about a snitch ass 14 year old boy who had sex with his teacher. So we Google the teacher's name and the story...and she's smoookin' hot causing me to question everything I've ever done with women (okay not really, still, makes you wonder.) Shit, I have enough trouble garnering the attention of girls my age....I couldn't get a hot teacher even if I had everything goin' for me. And what really grinds my gears about this (love the Peter Griffin reference) is that the lil' boy had a problem with it and snitched. BASTARD!!!

So here I am, at a crossroads. Sorry if I sound over dramatic, but it's how I feel so hold your horses. I'm 20, and by all accounts I'm going through mid-life crisis. Drama and my shortcomings in life are two primary targets for stress and such. I'm bitter, like, old man bitter...and cranky too. And ooh, I like the word jilted, I'm jilted too. See, once again, I'm not a happy camper. On top of that I feel as if the times are flying right past me. And then I take a look around, and it's not gonna get better any time soon. Valentine's Day is right around the corner, another reminder of my failures. And then June, my former roommate's getting married. No, not that roommate, the original roommate. The one I was at wits end with after my first semester at SIU b/c I was fed up w/his shenanigans. That was the big talk while I was home on winter vacation. First it was the engagement, which was news to me....then a few weeks later during a conversation in which I was giving him the best directions on how to get to the Westin Hotel on Michigan Avenue in downtown Chicago he dropped an "oh by the way, I got married today." Now that was breaking fucking news! So quick, so sudden (well at least from my point of view.) I was stunned, heck I'm still stunned....the reception and stuff is in June in Cali. And here I sit, still stunned. I never thought he'd be the first to get married from the group of friends I have, never in a million years did I think he'd be the first to be married. But more power to him, he found himself his dream girl and sealed the deal. I found my dream girl and well everyone knows that story so why re-hash and piss me the fuck off again. I guess that's the difference between he and I. Where he succeeded, I choked and failed. And I look at things from the outside looking in, I'm not getting married anytime soon, heck I don't even see myself dating in the near future unless a few miracles occur. In fact I might be the last to get married, that's depressing....okay, not so much. Still, I saw how the guys reacted to the girl and they were all like you know she's hot and all but blah blah blah. I guess that's my main reason behind being superficial, I gotta have my guys approval because I don't feel like taking shit from anyone anymore.

For the last few years I've been living by an adaptation of the whole Dusty Baker mantra of when he first came to the Cubs. "Why Not Lu? Why Not Now?" And after several failed experiments and even more evidence on why it hasn't been Lu and why it doesn't occur ever, I've come to the conclusion that I need a new mantra, a new calling card. In the end I need something that will make me eternally happy (this is where the 2007 Chicago Cubs comes in.) But that's another blog, for another night, for another site. Good night, from Carbondale.

The Final Post Of This Semester

I'm not saying that this is the final post of the year, but this is probably the last post of the semester. And there usually is a big sigh of relief that comes with the end of the semester, but for me it's like I'd rather be hit in the face with a hammer and never come back to this place ever again. Yes, I'm committed to staying here, but at what cost? My happiness levels fluctuate daily (sometimes hourly), I put a lot of stress and pressure on myself to succeed (to no avail), and my personal life has done nothing but move in a negative direction since Valentine's Day 2005.

So where am I? What am I doing? I don't even know anymore. I know I feel like crap, and that's not just the stomach sickness that just hit me.

I believe (in fact, I'm sure) that most of my un-happiness is drawn from my social life, and sometimes lack of it. My failures and shortcomings in love have become well documented on this blog and it's kinda depressing to look back on the things I wrote and still not have moved on from certain events of the past. It's bothersome to think that someone like me still hasn't found somebody on a campus of 20,000 kids. And I'm not just feeding into my own ego, far from it. Everyone and their dog has had an opinion about how 'one day you'll find someone and they'll be perfect' or 'one day you'll make some girl really happy.' Between that and the almost inevitable 'let's just be friends' I'm mired in a slump....and really there's no explanation behind it. I'm honestly sick and tired of being on the outside looking in. And yes I've had my chances and admittedly I've blown them. And though I can easily point fingers, I'd rather not because pointing fingers is generally a cop out. Does Mariano Rivera bitch when the pitcher before him leaves runners in scoring postion that could win the game for the opposition. No, he doesn't. He takes the ball and fucking closes games out. I have been unable to "close games out" and that is the main contributor to my failure when it comes to girls.

And to be honest, this whole issue with girls has been going on all my life. You can start in grammar school, though really it shouldn't count. For me you can start in high school where every Valentine's Day since freshman year of HS has a depressing story of failure, rejection and depression. But really it didn't bog me down that much in high school because my grades still were good. Now my grades seem to be suffering like my personal life. Look at my last report card: A, B, D, D. That doesn't make any sense, now does it? My personal life and grades are going "Bi-Polar Betty," Jason Marquis style*. I can deal with a less than stellar social life if my grades are acceptable, but it seems like when it rains, it pours.

And then I can draw the comparisons from last year. I remember writing an earlier post in which I yearned for things to be like they were last year. I miss the old days. I miss the days where we could all get along and go out together and all that good stuff. And yes, things change, certain things have changed and it probably shouldn't have changed everyones friendships. But to be honest no one should be suprised, it's not like the writing wasn't on the wall. And the best thing is that everyone has a part to take when it comes to the blame game. Now will everyone, fess up to their end. Of course not. We're all youngsters who are prideful and sometimes egotistical. Personally, I'm not blind to my own insecurities and will take the blame (heck I give myself the most blame) just so others can get off scot-free. I digress, I'd love for the "old days" of just one year ago to be back. And sure I can point to you where it all began going down hill and point out where it hit rock bottom and such. But I won't. Why? Because we all know (individually) where it started to slip.

So what about next year? For Lu, it's back to the drawing board. A change of scenery is out of the question unless I completely bomb out in second semester. As for the grades, earlier this semester I put an effort to a recommittment to prioritizing. I came to SIU motivated, motivation that has since deteriorated. I need to find that motivation again, I don't know where it will be or where it will come from, but I'm sure it will re-emerge in some form. As for my personal life, like I said only a few sentences ago, I'd like to recommitt to prioritizing, though I acknowledge the difficult nature of that task. But I'm open to trying new things. Yes, the internet dating thing has now failed me twice. I can clearly point the finger at myself both times, though some would argue that I had less of a hand to play in the original, but at least in the most recent attempt I tried. It was my own doing, not a pass-me-down idea from someone else.

MY FINAL RANT ON LOVE IN 2006: The idea of true love is nice. That whole falling in love thing sounds great, far fetched, but great nonetheless. The idea of having someone who is your one and only someone/soul mate type person sounds great on paper. It also makes great Disney movies and great feature films and television shows while we're at it. However it's not as easy as the media makes it out to be. Generations have been taught that love happens naturally. People always say "that special someone will come" or that "it'll happen when the time is right" and of course "good things come to those who wait." Well I have news for you, those outlets are wrong. Nothing is guaranteed in life except death and taxes (and arguably the Cubs not winning the World Series) so the idea that someone special will come, instead should be changed to might come. What? I'm just being realistic. As for that whole timing issue, timing sucks. Especially for me, I'm horrible at playing that timing game. It's why I often reference having a time machine. I'm also really bad at taking "signs" also contributing to my failure with women. Oh and about that idea that "good things come to those who wait," I can easily disprove that. There are several girls that I waited for....and well technically you can say that I still wait. Instead that should be changed to "yeah good things MIGHT come to those that wait, but BETTER things come to those who go out and get them." For my final reference, I'll go back to last year when someone sat on their hands while they watched someone who had no business in that situation get what they want. Maybe it's time for me to take that approach. Hopefully, it's not too little too late.

Oh yeah and I must make a note that there is one more Year In Review segment, but that will be posted retroactively to Wednesday as soon as I put finishing touches on it.

*indicates a reference to the nickname given to former Cards, now Cubs starter Jason Marquis. Cards' fans dubbed Marquis "Bi-Polar Betty" because of his inconsistencies from start to start. That will fit in perfectly with this blog, and with Cubdom as well.

Happy Friday Morning Blog!

• It's truly fallen apart the second half of this semester and I'm truly disappointed in myself because for most of the semester I felt as if I was doing an excellent job of keeping tabs on myself. For example, drinking on school nights has been completely cut out of the picture since September. However the last few weeks I've been drinking a lot of soda pop, I've been eating a lot of junk foods and have been eating late, which was my number one goal of things I wanted to stop doing. I'm just hoping to attest these recent bad habits to finals week anxiety. My two least favorite weeks as a college student are finals week and the week before finals week. My biggest fear is cumulative finals, in which I have two. I've only passed one cumulative final in my time here at SIU, and that is because we spent the last two weeks (3 times a week) studying and basically reviewing every possible question that could be on the test. My two cumulative finals are a crap shoot!
• I'm 20, but everyone that knows me can attest that I've aged quicker than someone my age should. My roommate Steven put it the best: you're stressed, balding, listening to Luther Vandross, reading poetry and looking in the classified ads. You know what that tells me? It tells me that Lu's having a mid-life crisis. And now that I had a moment to think about it, the only things I need are the young/hot/blonde girlfriend and the overly expensive, really fast convertable and I'd be well on my way to mid-life crisis at the ripe age of 20.
• As for my dating dilemma. I've received my first Christmas gift this season, tickets to March 14th's Justin Timberlake concert in Chicago. 2 tickets to be exact. My mother said that I need to find a date for that concert. Expecting Lu to get a date (a serious date, not a friend date as my mother so specifically put it) is like expecting the Cubs to hire a top rate manager and signing the top free agent in the class in one year, if ever....wait....damn those "Loveable Loser" references and comparisons to myself are dwindling by the day. If I'm the last of the "loveable losers" who's gonna be the Boston Red Sox to my Chicago Cubs.....Anyways back to the post....First of all let me say that yes I know I'm going to a Justin Timberlake concert. Don't let his boy band past fool you, he's the man. He's reverse Michael Jackson! Have you heard the CD? It's hit-after-hit-after-hit and the beat goes on the CD is amazing!!!! I'm a major Timberlake fan since he's gone solo. The first album was great too! I'm excited to go to this concert. I'm not excited however about my date prospects because as of now I have none. And it kind of depresses me, especially when looking at my recent dating history. Last time I went after a girl with no assistance and made progress to the point where I asked her to a b-ball game, she disappeared. Literally, an A-student did not show up to class after I asked her if she'd like to go to a basketball game. Sounds like Lu's luck doesn't it? Sounds like a curse doesn't it? So let's look back even more. The last date that Lu hooked himself up on was senior prom, and that turned out well. And by well I mean an absolute train wreck where Lu was used as an emotional pawn to get attention from other guys. I know what you're thinking "Lu's got great friends, let them set you up on a blind date." Though I'll admit the blind dates haven't been horrible, they haven't been successful. The last time I let a friend try to hook me up with a girl, it ended with a meaningless kiss, reminiscent of one of those prodigious 500 foot Sammy Sosa home runs that would happen in the 8th or 9th inning when the Cubs were already down by 10 billion runs! Oh and the time before that, it was a girl who used her sisters picture's and faked her own death to not meet me. Thanks, Kevin for sending me into that depression that lead to something smart people call spurrilous correlation, which in normal folk terms, is a bunch of events that may or may not occur because of a specific moment. I believe that was one of those "beginning of the end" moments for me, my confidence and a certain someone last year. Enough sour grapes, this looks like the impossible dream. But as The Game said in his song Dreams: "Anything is possible, if 50 f*cked Vivica."

QUOTE OF THE NIGHT: Referring to my last statement of anything being possible, I turn to my roommate Steve and one of my favorite Steve quotes is "Everything is possible, but everything is not probable." Smart words from a smart cookie (won't call him cracker!) Good night from Carbondale!

It's Saturday, It's Noon & I'm In Love

So this is a blog of randomness, but at this point I don't care 'cuz I know that no one reads this thing. It's the great thing about an online journal, you can post and if someone wants to read it they can, if they want to pass it over they can do that too. Anyways, to today's thoughts.
Last night I watched the movie Wedding Crashers with some friends of mine. I like that movie, it's a good movie. Got some classic quotes, some stuff that you'll always remember and it wasn't horrible. Though there's a part in that movie that really struck a cord, actually the whole premise of that movie struck a cord with me. That whole scenario where Owen Wilson falls for Rachel McAdams's character in the movie only to find out she's got a boyfriend and later will be engaged. Her boyfriend/fiancee in the movie is a total tool, and his actions in the movie portray him as that really well. He's got a lot of money and a family pedigree worthy of dating someone like McAdams's character (she's the daughter of the Secretary of State) but he's an absolute assclown. Then Owen Wilson comes along, treats her good and all and shows her good things and then there goes a point where they don't speak to each other and in the end he ends up with her because they actually act on what they feel about one another. And then the assclown gets knocked the fuck out when Vince Vaughn gives him a shot to the face. It actually didn't strike a cord in me until this line "Eventually we lose everyone, but I don't want to lose you, not now. And I'm not asking you to marry me, I'm asking you not to marry him."
And that leads me to me. When I heard that line I shook my head and said to myself "I'm in love." The girl I want (my ideal perfect girl) I can't have. I'd do anything to get her, but I'm sure at this stage of the game any attempt would be thwarted, rejected or unreturned. But last night I realized I was in love, or at least what I think the idea of love should be. Maybe I'm in love with the idea of being in love. Now I'm confused. I see her with her boyfriend and I can't help but think "Why not me?" He has his good things, he really does, but whenever I see her unhappy I know why and I wish I could just make it all better. What bothers me a little is when she tells me that I complicate our friendship and that people don't understand our friendship. Heck, sometimes I don't even understand our friendship. But I do know that our friendship is pure, a true friendship that I'm not willing to let go. Even if I have to eventually put all my feelings for her in a coffin and send it off to sea to never be returned again, her friendship means a lot to me. But I love her and want to be with her, but I can't. And if there's any worse feeling than what I felt after heartbreak of the 2003 playoffs with the Cubs, it's this. And I've never, EVER said that about any girl. Ever. And what sucks the most is that I've had time to get over her. I've had opportunites to get over her....and none of them fell through. None. My advances have gone cold with every girl after her, and that sucks even more! It makes me wonder what do I have to do to make this work. It makes me think I'm not going to ever make this work, with anyone. Fighting destiny is hard, especially when you have a pre-conceived notion that in the end you'll fail. Somehow you'll choke. Somewhere down the line you will fuck it all up. And for what?
I've given up on love before, and that's how I ended up here. I don't want to be here (in this situation) anymore.
All I want is one chance. Just one, one good chance. That's all I want. It bothers me that everyone in the world gets second chances, even when they don't deserve one. And me, poor Lu, doesn't get even one chance to make things right. Maybe I am cursed. Maybe I am the curse.
It's not suprising that I use this blog as a confessional, but usually not for this. There's so much more I could write, but to save time and energy I won't. But I'll leave on this note "I'm not asking her to marry me, I'm just asking her not to marry him."

Is The Man Of Theories Back?

“If they lose tonight it will just go to show that the team is cursed, the ballpark is cursed, the whole culture is cursed.” –Jay Mariotti, October 15th 2003

So you're probably wondering where this came from. It's quite random come to think about it. If you're a baseball fan you might have an idea; if you're a Cubs fan those words strike you with some pretty bad memories. But now that I look at it almost 3 years later, I look at it in a different light. The words "the whole culture is cursed" spooks me still to this day. "The whole culture" is an idea that covers a whole lot of ground if you take some time and analyze the thought. "The whole culture..." It makes me think about things. Makes me think about where I've gone since then. Where I've been. Where I want to go. It's a quote like this that makes me reflect on the past, yet think about the future. Sometimes I think that the Billy Goat Curse is a spurious correlation.

• Note that according to wikipedia.com, a spurious correlation is "when a correlation between data exists because of a statistical fluke (rather than true causality.)"

So basically it's something that's like a tag-a-long kind of deal.

So what am I getting at. I once was (and one day would like to become again) a man of theories. I had thoughts, I had ideas and I had beliefs. I saw things coming and if I wanted/needed to avoid them, I did. And I did a good job at it. If I had a "hunch" and I went off of it, I was usually right. So now I have a thought, it's a broad thought but a thought nonetheless:

• If things shake down the way that I think they will (which if the past is any indication and if my "hunches" are any indication, they will fall in the manner in which I presume) I will have been proven correct again. I will have proven that I should have never had "faith in the system," for the system will have been proven to be non-existent. It will also enforce my belief that happy endings don't exsist. No such thing as a happy ending. It would just go to show that everything that I want to believe is just one big fraud. It would just prove that there is another force out there holding me back from what I want, something out of my control. In the best case for this bad scenario, the system will have been proven to have crucial flaws in it. In the end, it probably won't be a happy ending.

But what if this "theory" is wrong. Well first lest define theory. A theory is a "conjecture, an opinion, or a speculation. In this usage, a theory is not necessarily based on facts, in other words, it is not required to be consistent with true descriptions of reality. True descriptions of reality are more reflectively understood as statements that would be true independently of what people think about them." I got that from wikipedia.com too. Translation: a theory is a thought in that you speculate will be true because of what will most likely be an illogical idea or something like that. NOTE: DAMN ME FOR TRYING TO BE INTELLECTUAL AS I WRITE THIS AT 12:53 AM.

• So if my theory's wrong, maybe there is reason to hope. Maybe the little guy can triumph. Maybe the system does work. Maybe there is a system period. Maybe that idea of things coming full circle isn't a pipe dream. Maybe better days are coming.

Lots of maybe's, not necessarily what I'm looking for. So as I sit here pondering, thinking about my next steps. Wondering about the future. Trying to figure out what I need to do to step forward. Trying to figure out "does the system work," "how to fight 'fate'," "how to create a new 'destiny'." I sit here, alone thinking....

WHAT IF?

I Found Myself A New Favorite TV Show

My mom was telling me about a show I should watch on ABC on Monday Nights (9 pm CT) called What About Brian? The shows premise you ask. This from the ABC website:

• Six months have passed since Brian, the consummate bachelor yet closet romantic, left town following a heartbreaking blow out with Marjorie, the current love of his life -- who also happens to be engaged to Brian's best friend, Adam. Since Brian's been away, his close friends, Dave and Deena, have been suffering the fallout of their disastrous experiment with an open marriage; What was supposed to combat the doldrums of parenting, work stress and a lackluster sex life has only driven the couple further apart. They're now hoping marriage counseling will be able to heal their wounds and restore what was once a great love. Meanwhile Brian's sister, Nicole, is thrilled to finally be pregnant after a year of fertility treatments and is busy preparing for the new arrival. Unfortunately she's doing most of the nesting alone, since her husband, Angelo, a hunky, Italian actor, is off in Rome starring in his first film. Thankfully Angelo is planning to return home in time for Adam and Marjorie's wedding -- which is not soon enough for Nicole.

Sound familiar? Sounds like my life now. Maybe that's why mom suggested it. She said herself that it should be called "What About Lu?" Which would HILARIOUS knowing that "WHAT ABOUT LUUU?" was one of my more infamous quotes from last year. So I gave the show a shot after reading about what happened last year and of course falling in love with the shows premise. So I watched the show. My life to a fucking tee. You should have seen me at the end, cheering for Brian to get the girl of his dreams after watching his friend get a lap dance from the stripper and her taking him to "the back room." He told him not to do it....he did it anyways. Once again, sound familiar? Looks like some ABC executives have been reading my blogs and decided to make a TV show about it. So I'm gonna watch next week....FUCK I can't cuz it's MNF Bears/Cardinals. DAMN! I'll have someone tape it for me or something. I want to see if the best friend and the girl of his dreams get married. I need to find out how my future turns out. Hopefully it turns out like it did tonight where the girl of his dreams went back to Brian and said something about second chances and then they kissed.

Well I hope that's what happens in the show and in real life. But I, the real life Brian, needs to look at things objectively. This is real life, not scripted television (though sometimes I believe it could be.) I know that in my heart of hearts there is no happy ending for me. There will be no second chance. I'll continue to be Brian (without the girl.) I hope it's not the case, but all signs point to it. It's like the Cubs. You know they'll fuck up. No matter how big a lead. No matter what they have going for them, something dumb happens. When it comes to my life black cats and Bartman's are replaced by a curse that some say may or may not exsist and a guy that's oh so similar to Brian's best friend in the show. Here's hoping there are happy endings in the television world and in the real world.

PART TWO OF THE BLOG: LOVE & MARRIAGE

This actually leads perfectly into what I actually wanted to blog tonight. So I got a message from a friend last night and the message (sparing the details) basically my friend was talking about getting engaged and married within a few years. I closed the message and shook my head. Engaged? So young. Why not Lu? So I know you're thinking another "woe is me kind of blog." Well you're probably right. It's weird, my group of friends we're pretty young. It's a group between the ages of 18-21. And I know two girls that are actually engaged, a few that have kids, a couple of others that have been in long term relationships, a couple that plan on getting engaged....it's like my guys are just falling by the wayside. And I look at myself, single and lonely, and can't help but be depressed. Don't get me wrong, I don't want to get married right now this second. Eventually I would love to get married. Of course it's gotta be the right time, with the right girl. Heck, I'll just settle with the right girl and we can work on timing. I just want to be loved, and I don't think that's asking much. With what's going on in the world of my friends, I just see a world passing me by and leaving me in the dust. I'd rather not be in this position for much longer.