Thursday, December 15, 2005

I Had To Do This

I've been breaking a lot of promises on this blog lately and for shame, but usually its either because something else comes up or some other bullshit reason. Well folks, i'm delaying all the good stuff I've been promising (again) to post my final blog from carbondale. Could be the final one from Carbondale ever depending on how my parents react to my grades. So I guess I'll use this as a reflection of this semester.
This semester had disaster written on it before school even started. The car accident and my friends accident threw me for a loop that I wasn't able to recover from. Mentally I was drained before the school year even started. On top of that, my already rocky relationship with my father became even more rocky when he decided to pay his part of the tuition late cancelling all of my classes that I needed. That through me through the worst of all loops when it came to school. It was a tough adjustment, I spent the first two months depressed and unhappy as if I wanted to go home EVERY SINGLE DAY! I was on the verge of dropping out before I came to my senses on how stupid of an idea it would be to just drop everything just because of a couple of bad months. Classes seemed to be getting more difficult and I just didn't react well. I was getting a C in all of my classes at midterms, since then, I've bombed everything except english, and if we had tests in that class, I'd end up bombing those too probably. On top of that my personal life wasn't shaping up too well, it was a reason I was unhappy. Then there was the phase that I didn't know what I wanted for myself. It's tough to figure out what you want when college does a major job screwing up your perception on teenage/young adult social issues. Women are the devil, that's a wonderful conclusion to come to. Every girl I like only likes me as a friend, it's like a black hole I'm in. And then there was my roommate in a wonderful relationship, my cousin on the verge of marriage potentially and me, little ole me single, lonely and on the verge of depression. It was a different semester, though I suffered through the classic stuff that I did last year, but on a higher level, it was weird. My roomie got dumped and it was kinda like it came outta no where and that set him back, but the difference between he and I is that well, I don't know. I guess he's smooth with the ladies (in a drunken stuper I did call him the White Pimp of Suburbia) so I guess I kinda created a monster in that case. But you know he doesn't treat the ladies with the respect I do, but in the end he gets her. Even though he was out of the running all year, he swooped out from the depths of depression to pick up the girl that I swear is damn near EVERYTHING I WANT! I joke that I wish she had a clone so I could date her clone. Sometimes, I wish I would have stayed out of everything, hell sometimes I wish I never came down here in the first place. Sometimes I wish I didn't have feelings for her. It's just another wonderful story of heartbreak that I have to tell. And now that she's with my roomie, there's no chance of it ever happening between us, as if there was a chance in the first place. Ahh, another one of my problems, me getting down on myself. I take a lot of shit for not having confidence. Setting off a great catch 22. How can you have confidence when you've failed at everything before? I know I've brought it up, but I can't but help doing so in this moment. And as the days go by I wonder what would have happened if I were to have made a stronger push, made my feelings more known. In the end, I have the feeling that everything would have happened that happened before that. The rejection, the 'let's just be friends' speech, the awkwardness, and in the end the loss of friendship. Oooh and somewhere there is the drifting, can't forget about the drifting! Seems all my friends are getting it I can count that six of my closest friends are ALL in relationships or are about to be in them. And once again, lil' ole me, on the sidelines still. Wanna know what third base feels like? Ha, motherfucker, I'm still waiting in line for tickets. Oh, and what would talking about this semester be without talking about the great internet relationship. Oh what more can I say, except this is why I have no trust, no faith and no confidence because in the end, it ends up falling apart like the Cubs in September! It's like tradition or something. From the beginning I knew it was too good to be true, it had to be, why because it was me. Beyond the fact that it was an internet relationship in which no one knew the girl. Beyond the fact that we were seperated by 2 states. Beyond the fact that we had never met each other face to face let alone talk on the phone. But somewhere I had faith that this could be something, anything!!!! In the end, it was one elaborate hoax. One in which the girl faked her death and invented lives of her friends and lied about her identity. And I'm the one who is crazy? Just my luck. And what do I do, I put it through his head that the girl he's currently in a relationship with likes him, and while he was off pondering which thoughtless whore he was gonna nail at home or down here or wherever, I was the one that convinced him to ask her out. I was the one who put MY DAMN FEELINGS to the side and took one for the team. And what do I get out of it? Nothing, except the constant reminder that I'm a loser and a failure. Oh, and don't forget the constant reminder that the girl I've wanted since the first day I met her (i know that's how they all felt) is with my f'n roommate. And sure, all the other guys liked her, the difference is that they've had experience, they're looking for that extra umph in that relationship (you know what i'm talking about.) Me, in a perfect world, a relationship that doesn't revolve around sex would be marvelous to me. However, we don't live in perfect, I live in Chicago and during the school year I hold residence in Carbondale and these two places are FAR from perfect. However, next semester is a new semester and I will come back well rested, reloaded and refocused, the way I would/should have come down to this place from the beginning.
As a final note, I let my mind take a trip to last year to a girl I had a crush on, Ms. Calla. Ms. Calla will be leaving SIU after this semester to take some time off from school. We lost touch after she moved across campus to Thompson Point. And as sappy as this sounds, she'll always hold a special part in my heart. We had some great times together (minus the whole drunken confessions of love events) and I'll never forget them. I'll miss the times we went out drinking, i'll miss the times we ate Jimmy Johns, I'll miss the poetry sessions we had. Those were good days last year. I'll even miss talking about the Braves. I'll never forget the one game where she was outnumbered by at least 6 cubs fans in my room the Cubs choked away the playoffs against the Braves in 2004. And I'll remember the shrieking cheer from the sole Braves fan there. That was Calla, and those were my memories from semester one 2005.

Wednesday, December 14, 2005

The Little Things Part One

To summarize what will be a complete post by tomorrow, here's a little outline of what's coming later today in The Little Things Part Two:
  • Saw The 40 Year Old Virgin, you'll get my thoughts and how the 19 year old virgin reacted to what could happen 21 years down the line.
  • You'll get Another One Bites The Dust, a finals recap of three of the four finals that I have already taken
  • I finally figured out what I wanted to say in that blog that I wrote while I was drunk
  • The immortilization of the 1993 Atlanta Braves who under my leadership in Ken Griffey Jr. Presents Major League Baseball have just won the World Series. They just clinched game 4 in Baltimore by the score of 18-0 behind 33 hits and a complete game shut out by Greg Maddux. A 9 run second was very anti-climatic when it came to the game. Actually the whole series in fact the whole year was anti-climatic, c'mon I won 138 games! Only one game was close in this series and that was game 2 which was won on a 10th inning walk-off pinch hit home-run by the much maligned Damon Berryhill who was benched in May and his replacement was benched in June and did quite well for me. Berryhill went on to have big games in the two games in which he was the DH in the American league park. He went 8-12 with 4 RBIs with 1 HR. You know, had he played like that from the beginning, I would have never had the year I had because he was in a run producing spot. It all worked out better for the team in the long run. I will post this teams stats and record tomorrow or at least before I leave for the Chi.
  • Poetry will be coming VERY soon I promise because I recently found my notebook, wonderful.
  • That's it for now, I'll holla later.

Tuesday, December 13, 2005

Random Crap

Earlier I had thoughts, and now I have nothing except a random freestyle from earlier. One down 3 to go when it comes to finals and yeah I'm in major major trouble when it comes to school. I know this semester was a bad flash in the pan and will NEVER EVER happen again.

they call me game time because how i play with words they call me birdman the way i flip them birds word play is my game other rappers is lame like a tiger with no dick they tame i'm straight outta the inferno my rhymes is flame i get more dome than them weak niggas at notre dame its a damn shame the way i be droppin these names but keep ya head low cuz u know u ashamed

no need for plastic silverware i use stainless steel might cost a little more but it heightens my appeal i wheel and deal looking for the right combination of words its ubsurd u must believe i have the best chemistry u heard

i love my random freestyle writings.....more to come tomorrow

Sunday, December 11, 2005

Random Post

I thought this was the coolest thing I've read in a long time I think it was cool. So folks raise your glasses in a toast to the guys who do the most and get the least...courtesy of a Xuqa blog!

Tribute to Nice guys
anonymously posted @ 4:02 PM on December 11

This is a tribute to the nice guys like me. The nice guys that finish last, that never become more than friends, that endure hours of whining and bitching about what assholes guys are, while disproving the very point. This is dedicated to those guys who always provide a shoulder to lean on but restrain themselves to tentative hugs, those guys who hold open doors and give reassuring pats on the back and sit patiently outside the changing room at department stores. This is in honor of the guys that obligingly reiterate how cute/beautiful/smart/funny/sexy their female friends are at the appropriate moment, because they know most girls need that litany of support. This is in honor of the guys with open minds, with laid-back attitudes, with honest concern. This is in honor of the guys who respect a girl’s every facet, from her privacy to her theology to her clothing style.
This is for the guys who escort their drunk, bewildered female friends back from parties and never take advantage once they’re at her door, for the guys who know a girl is fishing for compliments but give them out anyway, for the guys who always play by the rules in a game where the rules favor cheaters, for the guys who are accredited as boyfriend material but somehow don’t end up being boyfriends, for all the nice guys who are overlooked, underestimated, and unappreciated, for all the nice guys who are manipulated, misled, and unjustly abandoned.
This is for that time she left 40 urgent messages on your cell phone, and when you called her back, she spent three hours painstakingly dissecting two sentences her boyfriend said to her over dinner. And even though you thought her boyfriend was a chump and a jerk, you assured her that it was all ok and she shouldn’t worry about it. This is for that time she interrupted the best killing spree you’d ever orchestrated in GTA3 to rant about a rumor that romantically linked her and the guy she thinks is the most repulsive person in the world. And even though you thought it was immature and you had nothing against the guy, you paused the game for two hours and helped her concoct a counter-rumor to spread around the floor. This is also for that time she didn’t have a date, so after numerous vows that there was nothing “serious” between the two of you, she dragged you to a party where you knew nobody, the beer was awful, and she flirted shamelessly with you, justifying each fit of reckless teasing by announcing to everyone: “oh, but we’re just friends!” And even though you were invited purely as a symbolic warm body for her ego, you went anyways. Because you’re nice like that.
The nice guys don’t often get credit where credit is due. And perhaps more disturbing, the nice guys don’t seem to get laid as often as they should. And I wish I could logically explain this trend, but I can’t. From what I have observed on campus and what I have learned from talking to friends at other schools and in the workplace, the only conclusion I can form is that many girls are just illogical, manipulative bitches. Many of them claim they just want to date a nice guy, but when presented with such a specimen, they say irrational, confusing things such as “oh, he’s too nice to date” or “he would be a good boyfriend but he’s not for me” or “he already puts up with so much from me, I couldn’t possibly ask him out!” or the most frustrating of all: “no, it would ruin our friendship.” Yet, they continue to lament the lack of datable men in the world, and they expect their too-nice-to-date male friends to sympathize and apologize for the men that are jerks. Sorry, guys, girls like that are beyond my ability to fathom. I can’t figure out why the connection breaks down between what they say (I want a nice guy!) and what they do (I’m going to sleep with this complete ass now!). But one thing I can do, is say that the nice-guy-finishes-last phenomenon doesn’t last forever. There are definitely many girls who grow out of that train of thought and realize they should be dating the nice guys, not taking them for granted. The tricky part is finding those girls, and even trickier, finding the ones that are single.
So, until those girls are found, I propose a toast to all the nice guys. You know who you are, and I know you’re sick of hearing yourself described as ubiquitously nice. But the truth of the matter is, the world needs your patience in the department store, your holding open of doors, your party escorting services, your propensity to be a sucker for a pretty smile. For all the crazy, inane, absurd things you tolerate, for all the situations where you are the faceless, nameless hero, my accolades, my acknowledgement, and my gratitude go out to you. You do have credibility in this society, and your well deserved vindication is coming.

Now that folks, was classic!

Meaning Morning Thoughts and Other Things

Well, I stood strong last night with my decision not to go out drinking. I took the money I would have used to drink and I put it towards better things, like my gift for the Christmas party, the ingredients I need for the cheesecake I'm making for the Christmas party. I also bought some pop and some cookies as my finals week comfort food. Came back from Wal-Mart and realized most of my vodka was gone, so I sipped slow on what was left, and there still is a little left. I also took a walk to go get some food, get some fresh air and maybe clear my cluttered mind. That failed. I have recently been having dreams about my cars. First I had a dream about Putt Putt, my 1992 Ford Escort which I traded in for Sexy Purple Besty (recently renamed Lumi) my 1997 Chevy Lumina. I dreamed (in seperate dreams) that I somehow got them back. I miss my cars, I'd even settle for Putt Putt while I'm home for Christmas break. I'll be looking for something cheap and affordable when I go home since Jenny is being absolutely uncompromising when it comes to the Cadillac. Well, back to the unfullfilling walk in Carbondale. Well, what else is there to talk about, it was cold lonely and boring, granted I had Pods (my I-Pod) with me, it wasn't the same. Whenever I used to have things on my mind, I used to hop in my car and take a drive, whether it was the Escort or the Lumina, both had their things that cleared my mind. When I was in the Escort, I cruised the northside of the city, driving through some old stomping grounds like Lakeview and Wrigleyville and I drove around Lane. Doesn't seem like much, but I'd be driving and listening to the Score or some other radio station. Then when I had the Lumina, I upgraded to drives on Lake Shore Drive with my windows down and the radio cranked and me singing at the top of my lungs. I could have used one of those drives last night. I probably would have ended up in St. Louis, or maybe even in Champaign. Or I probably would've ended up by Crab Orchard Lake, maybe Fred's, I don't know. It would have been interesting, yet dangerous with the snow, slush and ice on the ground combined with the drunks out Saturday night. Maybe it was better that I didn't have a car to drive. I digress and return to the rest of the night. We watched some of Duke's of Hazzard and yeah Jessica Simpson's hot! That accent she has in the movie, she should keep it. However, she was hotter when she was more thick when she had the curves. That was a woman, granted she's still a woman now, but curves on a woman are hot! I'm still convinced the only people who like toothpicks are cheap motherfuckers who would skimp on the food budget. (just a joke ha ha!) I felt left out though cuz everyone else was drinking, so I decided to create a drink for me. In shot form it was a multi-alcohol shot consisting of vodka, amirito, rum and mad dog (some type of alcohol) with a splash of lemonade. I had about 6 of those, not a good idea, it'll get you buzzed really quickly, I think its the combination of alcohol that will get you to that point. So I felt better when folks were in here talking about experiences with the opposite sex as I sat idly on the sidelines listening intently to these stories because well, I had no stories so I just kept my pretty little mouth shut. So, I'm trying to piece together that part of the night. Oh yeah, there was a lot of love going my way, that's the thing I love about drunks, first of all they know me, I ran into four guys on my walk that I kinda knew or remembered which was cool that people remember me. Secondly, I'm loved by all when people are drunks, I get more "I love you's" when people are drunk than when they are sober. I guess that's bad, but hey, at least I was feelin some love right. It's funny how that goes. I gave my guy AL a nice little sob story about being single, but he kept my head up, gotta love them Chi-town boys we stick together, we really do. So as the night wore on, the couple as I am now affectionately calling them were acting couply and signs pointed more and more that she was staying in here tonight. Which kinda upset me beause I had the conversation with my roommate last night that it would make me uncomfortable, especially when she has a single room, but maybe they needed a change of scenery. All I know is that it was too reminiscent of what happened between me and my roommate (different roommate) last year when there was a girl in here every night all night and all morning when he could have easily gone to her room because her roommate was damn near living with her boyfriend. But I'm not gonna flip about this because this is only the first time, hopefully I won't be looking for weekend residence often next semester. Coulda been worse, he could still be with Becca and with her going to Edwardsville next semester and coming to see him every weekend, I would have needed to find somewhere to live every weekend. I dunno, this one hits close to home because well, my stupid feelings and my stupid mouth. I digress, so anyways....But I conceeded and made the great decision to leave the love birds alone in my room and I went to go find a home in the hub lounge like I did a lot last year. It was like having a flash back or something, it wasn't kind, but I ended up in this girls room down the hall, because she was still awake watching a movie and she has a single room so I figured the least I could do is ask if I could stay on her futon. I did, and granted the futon isn't the most comfortable thing in the world, its better than the embarassment I feel when I have to sleeping the hub lounge. I know what goes down in that place and yeah, who could forget the couple who fucked in the hub lounge last year. I just hope its been cleaned since then. I woke up this morning, no hangover (didn't have that much to drink, but I had a good amount for the little amount of time I was drinking) and as I told my guy Steve "It felt good to wake up in the room with a pretty girl and know whats going on." As a refrence from last year when I woke up in Schneider. Good times!!!!! Well, um, I think that's it for now, I had more thoughts last night that I might get at in my pre-finals post. Have a good day folks I'll hit it up later!