Saturday, November 04, 2006

It's Nights Like These That Keep Me From Being Optimistic

All week I looked forward to Friday. Not like that's anything new, shit, I look forward to Friday on Sunday afternoon. But it's Friday nights like these that A) Keep me from being optimistic and B) Keep me in ruts that I generally find myself in.

I called this one of the worst Friday's I've had in a loooong time. Granted, nothing too terrible happened, but a part of me wishes that it would have because then I'd have something to complain about rather than complain about a sense of nothingness.

It's Friday's like this that make me wish Chicago was only 2 hours away from Carbondale, instead of St. Louis. There's a major difference between Chicago Lu and Carbondale Lu. Everyone knows that, and I acknowledge it. I try to change it, but it's like how things are whenever you want to change them. Something to the extent of 'the more things change, the more they stay the same.'

For the record, I hate this.

Chicago Lu would be having fun by any means necessary. C'mon, where else can you have fun just hanging out at McDonald's? Not Carbondale. Where can I go here to just hang out and have fun without paying a cover charge of some sorts. There's no Lake Shore Drive, where am I gonna go? Why is it that everything around me revolves around parties and drinking. Heck, Chicago Lu has a different drinking approach than Carbondale Lu. I like when Chicago Lu drinks. He's calm, reserved, sophisticated...all while intoxicated. And it's not like I go home and get hammered, I have a few drinks, shoot the shit and that's it. I can't do that in Carbondale. I'll go out and drink and then expect to get on some hoes or something stupid like that. No pressure at home, I like no pressure situations. There's always something down here, something stupid that pisses me off.

I just want to be happy, but I guess that's too much to ask for. I'm not talking about superficially happy, because like a rocking chair, being superficially happy is fun but in the end it gets you nowhere. (Paraphrased from the movie Van Wilder.) Because everyone else can be happy, but not Lu, nope, not me. I can't be happy. I'm not supposed to be happy. I'm supposed to be tortured and pissed off at every turn. Depressed every night. Every day is like a beating. Emotionally and mentally, every day is just one big beatdown. And even on days that I don't feel it, I know it'll come later.

But everyone else can be happy. Can't do anything right, I just can't.
For the record, I'm sick of writing these blogs. And I'm sure the people reading these (if anyone still does) are sick of reading them. I'm tired of being depressed all the time. I'm tired of always being angry. I'm sick of everything. Long story short: I'm sick and tired of being sick and tired! That's the bottom line here.

The only things that would help are the following:

  • Winning the lottery. Because money, though not the root of my problems, can fix something, can't it? Because people with money are happy, superficially happy, but happy nonetheless. It's like hiring Johnny Cochran to be your lawyer. People say that you look guilty. We'll I'd rather look guilty in the mall than look innocent in jail. (That of course paraphrased from Chris Rock)
  • A fresh start somewhere not in Carbondale. I'll be honest, Carbondale was at one point the fresh start I was looking for. But when my past, along with black cats and billy goats, resurfaced it was the beginning of the end.
  • The Cubs winning a World Series. Because once again, the last time I was genuinely happy was in 2003 before Cubdom even knew that Steve Bartman exsisted. A Cubs World Series Championship could provide something to me that I've been lacking my entire life. A chance to associate myself with a winner (though for arguments sake, SIU Men's Basketball has filled a small void when it comes to that department.) But a Cubs championship would give me hope that ANYTHING is possible.

Alas, I've come to the conclusion that like true love (which is a different post for a diffrenet night), genuine happiness is a pipe dream. Good night from Carbondale, maybe sleep can turn this around. Probably not because in the end, my problems will still be there.

Wednesday, November 01, 2006

Stepping Out Of Character

When I went home I wanted to do the following:
  • I wanted to rest and relax. Check.
  • I wanted to get some errands done. Check.
  • I wanted to hang out with Chi-Town's Finest. Check.
  • I wanted to find some happiness. Check.
  • I wanted to come back to Carbondale with a new outlook.

Well, that last one is a work in progress, but it's a work that I've worked on each day since I've been back. Positive thoughts tend to drown out the negativity. Happy music has replaced depressing and down trodden tunes on my I-Pod. I'm generally happy. Minus certain moments, I can say that I'm quite content with things. So, you want proof that I'm attempting to move forward?

Tuesday was a step forward. The cute girl that sits in front of me in Physics, I started a conversation with her for once. That's new to me, usually I just talk Physics and crap with her, but Tuesday, there was a little more. Nothing to write home about, but this is Lu that wer'e talking about. And then later Tuesday I had a flashback. A flashback to a Las Vegas moment. In fact, I'm currently calling it a "Why Not Lu? Why Not Now?" moment. I was getting flirty with the waitress so I decided to try to pull a rabbit out of my hat and leave my number in her tip. She hasn't called back. A part of me is upset that she hasn't because A) it worked in the past and B) it's worked for other guys, even guys who are taken. So once again, Why Not Lu? Why Not Now? I walked out of that place with a swagger, a swagger I haven't had in a loooong time. I couldn't believe that I pulled that. But yeah, I was a bit "meh" about her not calling, but it's like a step forward. It's the principle, it's the idea that Lu can pull it off. It's the fact that I made an attempt, without anyone's outside influence. No pressure, no punch lines, no taking shit. In fact from the response of those I've told, they're quite proud of me. Heck I'm proud of me.

I'm hoping all of this parlay's into this weekend. SIU hoops Thursday, Hairbanger's Ball on Friday, Saturday's up in the air, but hey, once again you can't help but to think 'Why Not Lu? Why Not Now?' You can't help but feel optimistic. The only question is how long will this last?

If you read this and you know me, I'm expecting the other shoe to drop. I'm waiting for the inevitable black cat to circle me. I'm expecting a gypsie lead by a billy goat at my front door any minute now. I'm expecting Bartman to ruin my chances for love (again!) But until the goat, the cat or Bartman decides to show up (again!) I'm just gonna keep it pushin'. It's all I can do.

Don't get me wrong, I want this to work. I want something to work. I want something to smile about. But don't be suprised if sometime between the time I post this and the time this weekend is over that I'm back to my old tricks and rants and raves of how it's just not meant to work out between me and any woman. Here's hoping I won't have to deal with that any time soon. And eventually, ever again!

Monday, October 30, 2006

I'm Suprised It Lasted This Long

This is my "note" from @ 5:09 PM
  • This isn't a note where I dwell on the worst thing that happened this weekend, which was the Cardinals (the 83 win Cardinals that had a losing record against the worst team in the NL, my Chicago Cubs) winning the World Series. This also isn't a note in which I talk about how this weekend served as more evidence on why I should've never came back to Carbondale. Instead, this is a happy weekend recap note.Friday I got off the train and hopped in a cab to Boni Vino's to see my dad and my uncle at the bar. We drank for a few hours, exchanged some stories and had a grand time. It was good to be home. I was happy, heck I was estatic to be home. I knew it was gonna be a good weekend when the cab was playing the song "Look at Her" by One Chance & Fabo from D4L and I was humming the song and told the cabbie to turn it up and his response was "Finally someone that likes the music I like."Saturday, the sun rose, proof that the world didn't end with the Carindals WS victory. I had breakfast with grandma, got a much needed haircut, set up a new bank account, cleaned my uncles gutters and then the fun came. I went to the mall with my mom and my aunt so they could get their nails done. I didn't know it then, but eventually I would be getting a manicure as well. Don't judge me! Don't knock it 'til you try it. It felt good. It feels good to be pampered. I say to everyone if you get a chance to pamper yourself, DO IT! You more likely than not deserve to be pampered. It felt good, and it looked good. I'll never complain about women who complain about their nails ever again, one of my nails got black ink on em and it kills the shine! After that we ate at the Olive Garden, that was great time spent with the family. Saturday night, I spent with some of the guys in McDonalds. I tell ya what, if I spend a Carbondale night in McDonald's, I know my night was a failure, there's no doubt about it. In Chicago, different story. Location! Location! Location! It changes a lot!Sunday I watched the Bears, saw more family and then I was off to Carbondale, again. Refreshed, recharged and ready to embrace my future.For more, check out my blogger site for more indepth stuff later!

So you would think I'd be in a good mood when I wrote this blog right? WRONG! DAMN WRONG! IT'S ALL WRONG! There are so many reasons to be pissed off right now, but right now my focus is why can't I be happy for one measley week outside of the city limits of Chicago. Is that so much to ask for? Maybe I should've dwelled on the Cardinals victory, proving once again that I'm not allowed to have ANY happiness in my life. Or maybe I should dwell on what seems to be a growing fact that I should have never came back (some would I argue I should've never came in the first place) to Carbondale. And the more I'm allowed to think about things the more I get to dissect things and analyze things and come to drastic conclusions like I'm not meant to be happy, ever; or Everytime something good happens to me it's luck, but everytime something BAD happens to me its fate; or the fact that I'm 20 and as of right now have no direction in my life. Sorry, wrong again, the only direction in my life is DOWN! Does DOWN count as a direction? I think it does, cuz it's all been down hill for the last year. There are so many things I can point to that have brought me to this point. There's so many things I can get at. Instead I'll blame myself. And only myself. I led myself down my own road. Did I follow hints, yes, but I didn't have to. Just goes to show that you should only have faith in yourself, even when you shouldn't because in the end I'd rather be able to blame myself and only myself for my situation. Instead, it's easier to find scape goats (hehehe I mentioned goats...FUCK GOATS) and reasons things went bad and not simplifying things to the point where you can only have yourself to blame. This blog was not, I repeat was not, coming tonight. But as the ball bounces, so does my mind. And my mind is telling me to vent before I want to pick up an alcoholic beverage. Damn consecutive drinking streak ending Saturday! And to think I was optimistic when this week started. Now I just know that something will go terribly wrong. I guarantee it!

Sleep calls, because it's better than drowning my sorrows with another Coors Light!