Friday, September 15, 2006

After Tonight

I made a realization. I'm not meant to be happy. I'm destined to fail. I know that it is meant for me to be lonely and unhappy and I guess that's how things are supposed to be. I'm pissed off now. NO one loves Lu. Three yhears of college ain't no reason for me to have neverhad a girlfriend. I must be a loser a complete loser. I hate it. I see my friends with ease pick up girls out of their leagues with eas.e Me I become their friend and shit and then it's like I don't exsist. I fucking quit


Frustration is probably the feeling that's running through me the most right now. Yes, alcohol got my creative juices flowing for poem #3 that was supposed to run with the idea of the girls i didn't kiss.....turned out wrong. Actually it's a work in progress right now. There are some good lines and then some lines that just are making me pull my hair out. I'll go to class tomorrow and ask for an extension until Monday. I think by Monday I could figure out what's wrong with this poem and fix it up (or at least do some minor patch work) and have something that I think is worth putting out there instead of getting shit done for the sake of getting it done. Nothing hurts more than perceived failure. I'm just bothered by the fact that I couldn't get it done. Oh and the 4th stanza is a no show as of now, not for a lack of ideas but a lack of coherent and cohesive ideas that were supposed to bring the first three stanzas together. ARGH! I HATE THIS! Here's hoping the rest of my Friday turns out to be MUCH better than this beginning!

Wednesday, September 13, 2006

Blog Part Two: Rant & Rave

One of my favorite things to do is to randomly rant and rave about anything and everything. Today is no different. So here goes nothing:
  • So the college networking giant "Facebook" has a new look. A 'face' lift if you'd like to think of it that way. They added a bunch of new features such as a mini news feed that tells you things like what groups your friends are joining or quitting or who is saying what to whom, or that your friend is in a relationship or they wrote on that persons wall. When I first found out I was creeped out but intrigued. But the reaction was outrageous. Definite outrage from the facebook community and they protested and even got a letter from the facebook management apologizing. But now more than a week later people are still bitching about it. People, leave it alone. You can easily exit out of "news feeds" that you don't want people to see. And on top of that you are bitching about information that you are voluntarily putting on the internet for everyone to see. Doesn't make much sense to bitch about it does it? So save you breaths, save your typing fingers and bitch about something else...anything else.
  • Turning 21 is a special part in someone's life. However it's the beginning of the end. Yes you can go into Vegas strip clubs and buy your own alcohol but turning 21 comes responsibility. Like helping your friends out when they need a hook up. I vow to make booze runs for my homies that can't when I turn 21. Granted most of my friends will have turned 21 by then or they could have other suppliers, but hey its the thought that counts. Actually I cannot wait til I turn 21. I'll hopefully be in Las Vegas with my friends and parents drinking. As soon as I turn 21. People forget that I'm a completely different person out there. Think about those guys portrayed in those commercials, that's me. The shy quiet guy who Vegas seemingly turns out. My Vegas goals: 1) Get Wasted. 2) Go to the strip club. 3) Get Married by Elvis. 4) Get laid! That's my Vegas plan and I'm stickin' to it. 21 here I come!
  • Musically I've taken some flack recently because of my widening musical tastes. Personally I blame it on coming to SIU and accepting country music as a form of music. I used to hate country music when I was younger. I couldn't stand it. To me it was all about drinking cuz my girl left, my huntin' dog died and I'm out of whiskey. But since I heard Dierks Bentley's "How I'm Doing" I've been loving country music. I've embraced it and some of their songs I can actually apply to my life. It's quite amazing. So you shouldn't be suprised when I tell you that currently my two favorite albums in heavy rotation on my IPOD and ITUNES are Justin Timberlake's "Future Sex/Love Sounds" and Ashley Parker Angel's "Soundtrack to Your Life." Justin's CD is the shit. He's got some kick ass tracks like "SexyBack" which is a song that gets me moving, makes me wanna party and reminds me of the Drex show back home; then there's "My Love" featuring rapper T.I. which has a tight beat some nice crooning by JT and Tip kills the track with his verse at the end. And my current fave, one that makes me want to actually get up and dance is "Chop Me Up" featuring Timbaland and Three Six Mafia. Tim puts down a phat beat and a phat verse and 3-6 gives JT some Memphis, Tennessee love. All in all, a great album in my eyes. Then there's APA (Ashley Parker Angel.) Now recently I've learned somethings about APA. He was part of MTVs group O-Town and he has his own show on MTV (Reality show, duh!) Well I didn't know that when I first heard him do an acoustic version live on the Drex show of a couple of his favorite songs which also happened to be my favorite songs. I can really relate to some of the songs which really appeals to me as a listener. The songs I like: Let U Go (the radio hit but it's awesome), then there's Feel So Alive, Soundtrack to Your Life, CrazyBeautiful and my absolute favorite song right now is A Beautiful Lie which really describes a situation I know a little too well. But it's great, I don't care what anyone says I LOVE IT!!!!
  • Musically speaking part two. I dunno if you've ever seen The Original Kings of Comedy but there's a part where Steve Harvey plays these old school love songs and talks about that where hip hop went wrong was when it stopped writing about love. And the last song he played was Lenny Williams' "Because I Love You." As soon as I heard it I knew that I had found my wedding song. Now usually that's something that the woman is left with that decision on what songs are played. But if Lenny Williams' "Because I Love You" is not played at my wedding, I just might cry and get a divorce. Seriously that's probably THE GREATEST LOVE SONG OF ALL TIME. And once again there's a strict distinction between slow songs and love songs. But that's a different conversation for a different day. But yeah "Because I Love You" and "Unchained Melody" two songs that will be played at my wedding. Along with The Electric and Cha-Cha Slides, Take Me Out To The Ball Game (performed by Harry Caray), My Endless day I'm gonna make a top 10 list of songs that MUST be played at my wedding. At the end of this blog I'll post the lyrics to "Because I Love You" and you can't tell me Lenny didn't mean it!
  • Finding peace. Let's just say since it didn't last long, that moment of clarity, I won't give it much more of the time of day. Let's just hope things work out well for the sake of all of the parties who are involved.

Lenny Williams, Because I Love You (AKA The Greatest Love Song of All-Time)

That's the site cuz blogger's not letting me paste the lyrics for some reason. GREATEST LOVE SONG EVER! Download it if you get a chance!

Blog Part One: Poetry Slam!!!

This is part one of a multi-pronged blog attack. Here I will be revealing my first two poems of this school year, both were assignments that I had to do for my ENGL 382 class. Enjoy.

Sundown At The Pier

Because of distance he’s
out of focus. Even cropped, he’s still
a distant blurred shadow on the pier.
It clears and as it develops,
exposed is the shadow
in the twilight of the daytime
and its dwindling daylight,
attempting to escape inevitable darkness.
A single figure reflecting in the reflection of the river.

The assignment was to write about a picture that you had taken of a family member and describe it. In addition to that I had to use words that the teacher recommended that we use. It turned out pretty well, I'm making changes to it though. You will see those later this semester.

Behind that glass slipper of purity
lives a dirty little secret.
The light dimmed,
slowly like a sunset her dress dropped
and her hair fell
slightly past her shoulders.
She laid down the ground rules,
then proceeded to lay down herself.
Two faces plain as the sheets
in which they are currently tangled.
Sporadic panting breaks the monotonous silence
and the continuous pounding of the wall by the headboard.
Climax came and went and without a hint of emotion,
both parties laid still as a hush fell over the room.
Her free fall from royalty
and his wife’s nagging brought them together
to dance the night away.
Isolated and out of place
lay the used condom…
…next to the glass slipper.

This poem was about taking a fictional character and putting them into a situation that you wouldn't expect them to be in. As you can see, I turned Cinderella into a prostitute. She's really whoring it up in this one. I knew this poem was good when a friend of mine gave it the thumbs up despite the fact that I turned Cinderella into an absolute dirty slut. She loves Cinderella and her fairy tale but because of the way I used my words she couldn't hate me (or the poem.) Thanks for the kind words Meagan.

And for my next trick? I'll be flipping the script on the "list poem" topic handed down to us. Instead of listing "The Girls I've Kissed" (you can insert any one-liner about that being a short list here) I'm writing about "The Girls I Didn't Kiss" (once again insert joke about that being a LONG LAUNDRY LIST here) under the working titles "Missed Connections" and/or "Wish List." Once again, thanks Meagan.

Finally enjoy and leave some comments, this blog (like myself) gets lonely.

COMING LATER: The rest of blog fun!

So Much To Blog, So Little Time... I won't do a major blog, though I'll preview tomorrow's blog (which will take sometime later today, tonight or possibly tomorrow morning).

  • Poetry Corner: I'm gonna post my first two poems from this semester and I'll hopefully have something down for the next poem which is due Friday. The topic for that one is the list poem. The list for me? I flipped a suggested topic "The Girls I've Kissed" and turned it into "The Girls I Didn't Kiss." As of now I'm working under the titles "Wish List" and "Missed Connections." We'll see where it goes, but it has potential.
  • Rant & Rave. Oh there's so much to rant and rave about. The new Facebook. Turning 21. Untapped potential/my own worst critic. And of course love (specifically internet dating I got some opinions on that.)
  • Oh yeah and musical thoughts too. I got some new music, I've been listening to old music and FINALLY Steve Harvey's segment in "The Original Kings of Comedy" makes complete sense to me!
  • Finding peace. Not world peace, not even peace of mind, but relative peace. As of now it's a moment of clarity that I've recently had, once again I'll get to it tomorrow
  • And of course SUPRISES along the way. Stay tuned because if you miss a little, then you miss a lot!

Monday, September 11, 2006

I'll Be Nice In This Blog

Despite feelings of rage, depression, anxiety, disappointment and a general feeling of unhappiness, I'll repress all of those just to put a happy spin on today. And really, if not for the Bears today and Fox's awesome scheduling of The Simpsons, American Dad, Family Guy & The War at Home there wouldn't be much to smile about tonight. Though I will say I had a pretty successful cooking day.
The news of the day of course is the Bears 26-0 romp of the Packers in Lambeau. In short, the Bears looked like a team on a mission. Unlike the other "contenders" like Seattle (9-6 winners over DET), Carolina (20-6 losers against the Mike Vick show), Tampa (27-0 losers at home to the Ravens)...the only other "contenders" that looked relatively good were the Giants (I still don't think they have enough 'D') and Dallas (who will eventually crumble) both were losers today. This is the year baby, BEARS ON A MISSION!!! 1 down, 19 to go!!!! Go Bears, gimme a reason to go to Florida.
But yeah besides that this weekend was a total suckfest! I leave you all with this. Current listening: Dammitt, Blink 182

It's alright / to tell me / what you think / about me I won't try / to argue / or hold it / against you I know that / you're leaving / you must have / your reasons The season / is calling /your pictures / are falling downThe steps that / I retrace / the sad look / on your face The timing / and structure / did you hear / he fucked her? A day late / a buck short / I'm writing / the report On losing / and failing / when I move / I'm flailing nowAnd it's happened once again I'll turn to a friend Someone that understands see's through the master planBut everybody's gone And I've been here for too long To face this on my own Well I guess this is growing upWell I guess this is growing upAnd maybe / I'll see you / at a movie / sneak preview You'll show up / and walk by / on the arm / of that guy And I'll smile / and you'll wave / we'll pretend / it's okay The charade / it won't last / when he's gone / I won't come backAnd it'll happen once again You'll turn to a friend Someone that understands see's through the master planBut everybody's gone And you've been there for too long To face this on your own Well I guess this is growing upWell, I guess this is growing up [5x]

Sunday, September 10, 2006

Just One Of Those Funks

I truly hate feeling like this, it's not a happy feeling. It's just one of those where nothing feels right and the only thing I want to do is sleep because I don't have to deal with 'real life' if I quarantine and regulate myself to my room. I left the apartment ONCE this weekend and that was to go to Wal-Mart, that's it. I reckon I won't be leaving tomorrow except to go to Wal-Mart and pick up buns and the potential liquor run before the football games.
It's been like this for a while, that's why I'm calling it a funk. Every little bad thing is so magnified right now, and it's not cool. On top of that I'm over analyzing everything, granted I hear that runs in the family (my moms and my father do it too) but still, I wish I didn't do that so much. Yes I'm super nit-picky. Yes I'm overly sensitive, but it's just me being me. And the cure for this? Alcohol? Seriously that's the only thing that'd make me happy would be knowing that I'm loaded with booze. It'd probably inspire me to go out and be somebody. Instead I sit around blogging about not being inspired.
You know what's really bothering me is the cheap shots me and my former roommate took at eachother this evening. It wasn't the cheap shots themselves, but now that I think of them I feel really bad about myself. I kinda feel like a loser. We were watching next and I'm oohing and aahing over a pretty girl on the show and he's like pfft loser and I'm like "i'm sorry i don't have a girl in my arms so I'm regulated to fawning over the girls on tv." That's kinda depressing come to think about it. How I spent my Saturday: playing video games, surfing the net, checking out fantasy sports, watching bad college football games, and watching Next. Yep that'll definetly bring in the ladies.
The good news is that football season begins tomorrow and that's great for me because football provides another escape for me. Granted it's only once a week, but it's better than being depressed 7 days a week. Let's just hope the Bears stay healthy and don't play like shit and I will be relatively happy!
I seriously have nothing positive to say whatsoever right now. I feel as if I am a lost cause at this point. Anyone wanna prove otherwise?