Thursday, September 28, 2006

I Had That Dream...Again

I could easily rehash the details of my depressing day, my depressing self and/or my depressing life. Instead I'll come with something new. During a mid-afternoon nap I had a dream that had a hint of a revelation in it. It was that dream again. And that dream of course is the one about the Cubs winning the World Series.
It wasn't a clear dream, in fact it was quite quick. It wasn't like the last 'Cubs Winning The World Series' dream which I had last in 2004. I wasn't celebrating in the dorm room popping champagne with my roommate and suitemates. Instead I myself was at Wrigley Field. In the stadium, in the grandstands. Not as a member of the media as I once had hoped for. But it was me, among my people on the third base side of home in the terrace reserved level. I couldn't tell you who was pitching. I couldn't tell you who we were playing. I couldn't tell you who was on the team. All I remember was out number three at Wrigley and looking at the center field scoreboard saying "World Champion Chicago Cubs" and me just bursting into tears.
In reality, I can't see myself with the ballclub whether it be at home or on the road if they ever won the whole damn thing. I'd have to be at home alone, or with several die-hards like myself. Don't get me wrong, I'd love to be there to see it myself, but in my mind I can see it unfolding on television. I can hear Joe Buck saying something to the extent of "Cub fans have longed to hear it: 'The Chicago Cubs are World Champs.'" I can see the video montage on Fox of that years team, flashbacks to the 2003, 1984 & 1969 teams, things that exonerated the goat, the black cat & Bartman...I can hear Santo in a triumphant cheer....And finally I see myself drenching myself in champagne in joy.
I know that this is all a pipe dream and that in two years it will have been 100 years since anyone actually did that in real life. But it would be something, at least for me to take a hold of and call my own. You wouldn't be able to take that away from me. You can take away my dream job. My dream car. My dream girl. But if you GAVE me a World Series Championship....I think I could live with myself peacefully once again.

Wednesday, September 27, 2006

From The Heart of the Heart Broken

WARNING: I'm pissed off and I'm drunk. Now, on with the show.
  • So I watched the HBO special on the Cubs tonight. It turned into a great drinking game where I drank six beers in a 40 minute span. I wrote what the baseball part of me thought in my Cubs blog @ But personally I can't let go. I was on the verge of tears when they talked about the 2003 team. When they played that Bartman footage, everything replayed in my head. Everything from that day. It's sad that I can retrace EVERY footstep of that day. I point to that day in specific as the day my life turned out for the worst. People say that losing their virginity is "their loss of innosence." For me, games 6 and 7 of the 2003 of the NLCS was worse than the worst experience I've ever had. That took my innocence. That took my childhood from me. That jilted me forever. I mean it kills me just thinking about what could have been. It makes me want to cry now that I'm just letting it all go on paper here. It's so hurtful. It's so painful.
  • And only Cub fans really feel my pain, but no one SPECIFICALLY feels MY pain. Because I am the Cubs. The curse transfers over to me. And to think for years I pointed at a "cursed e-mail." Nope, it's just a branch effect of the Billy Goat. It explains my fear of Black Cats. It explains my quote in which I compared myself to the hated Tribune Corporation "I'm competitive until the price goes up." I am the Cubs. And I hate it. I hate myself. I truly do. I hate that I embody the Cubs. A cursed, choke artist who is a feel good story that you want to cheer for and you hope the best for but in the end you know what's going to happen. You know that somehow the Cubs are gonna blow it in the 9th. You know that 9 game lead will eventually diminish. You know the Cubs will trade some potential All-Star for a washed up ballplayer. You know that in the end the Cubs will not be the champion. Just like you know that Lu will eventually choke. You know will get to a point and then it will be all downhill from there. You know that Lu's competitive until someone with a bigger offer that isn't necessarily the best comes in and takes what Lu wants away from him. In the end Lu will choke. In the end the Cubs will choke. In the end Lu will be the loser. In the end the Cubs will be the loser. In the end, both of us will still be waiting for next year.

All I want is one chance. That's all I ever wanted. Yes I choked, yes I've failed and yes I live in misery. But I believe I've earned my one shot. Will I get it, ever? Who knows. To be honest, probably not. I'll be living with it hanging over my head for years upon years. Like Brock for Broglio, I'll be constantly reminded of my stupidity. Like 1969, 1984 and 2003 I will be constnatly reminded of how close I was but in the end still came up a little too short. Choke artist is something that I might never shake off. And that is a scary thought.

Good night from Carbondale, maybe I can sleep this off.

Tuesday, September 26, 2006

So I Find Myself Lost, What Else Is New?

So much to blog, so little time. Actually I got all the time in the world, we'll see how much I can put out there.
  • Let's start off with the sports part. The Bears are 3-0 and off to a Super start. I'm happy and with the way things have been going in my personal life (which I'll get to later) I'm hoping that the Bears are something I can grasp and be my happy moment. It'll be different than the '03 Cubs because that was a daily thing, that's why that team was a savior. It's hard when they only play once a week and who knows if I get the privelage to watch with the damn Rams game taking up precious Bears television time....The Sox joined the Cubs in the elimination chamber after being spanked by Cleveland tonight and good for the Indians, payback is a bitch! Now the Sox fans can retreat back to their hobbit holes and section 8 housing facilities....the Cubs found another embarassing way to lose. So what's the Dusty countdown at now? Seriously: bring me a new coaching staff and some new players that actually have talent and we can have something here!
  • Lu is currently patiently waiting. For what? Homecoming. See in high school I looked forward to homecoming because it was a chance for me to dress up and look good for a girl that I had some sort of interest in dating. Instead this homecoming will be different. The boys will be back in town. The only peeps that have visited me the first two years will be back and this time I think will be the best time! I can't wait. I'm so excited and I just can't hide it! I'm looking forward to it because I know whenever they're with me everything turns out just fine. It's why they're my boys, we get shit done! This will probably be the highlight of first semester, and I wouldn't mind cuz they make it worth it. Too bad it couldn't be every weekend!
  • Musically I got two new CDs that I'm currently raving about. Ludacris' 'Release Therapy' and Lupe Fiasco's Food and Liquor. Lyrically Food and Liquor is brilliant and flawless. Lupe Fiasco just blew my mind and it was all so clear. The best hip hop album since Common's 'Be.' As for 'Release Therapy' another classic Luda cut. And what made it even better...NO SKITS!!! As much as I love Luda's skits some are out of place and are better off hidden on a special bonus disk or at the end of an outro or something like that. Luda's got some killer tracks like "Ultimate Satisfaction" featuring Field Mobb and "Slap." Standouts on Lupe's album: "The Cool," "Pressure" featuring Jay-Z," "The Instrumental" and so far my absolute favorite track has been "American Terrorist" because lyrically and topic wise Lupe just kills the track. End of story.
  • Movie notes. I still wanna see "Accepted" but now my new thing is "School For Scoundrels" that comes out this weekend. Looks like a funny one. Can't wait, maybe I can go with a friend or something. Because it MUST be better than "The Last Kiss" or another "Jackass" flick.
  • So for the fun and personal part. A friend called me the other morning, and it was awkward because it was early in the morning and she was the last person that I would have expected to talk to at that time. To make a long story short, she told me she got engaged. I was happier for her, heck I AM happy for her. I believe everyone should have that feeling. But to be honest, I felt a little bit heartbroken. Just a little bit, nothing to drink over. Just remembering the good times we had together in the little time we spent together the thought crossed my mind. Personally I give her a lot of credit for giving me what little confidence I have today because of our talks and that great date that kinda made me realize I have 'it' in me, I just need to bring it out. I liked her, I really did. I know I wasn't supposed to, but I fell for her I just couldn't help it. I caught feelings when I shouldn't have, but once again I couldn't stop myself. She'll always be a little special to me and I think she knows that. But in the end, I knew nothing was meant to happen between us, and that's why I'm glad we're still friends....So I've found myself to be a hypocrite. A shell of my former self. Many things that I believed in when I first came here I don't believe anymore. That's more of a realization of the truth than being a hypocrite. But then there are certain beliefs and certain ideals that I have not held up since I've been here. I find myself saying hypocritical things, I find myself giving advice to others that I myself should be taking. I just don't feel like myself. Mentally I'm lost and stuck in moments that I shouldn't be in. Sometimes I just want out, a complete pull out of Carbondale and a fresh start back in Chicago again. But I must learn that I can't run from my problems and that I must either face them head on or face the consequences.
  • As of right now the thing that bugs me the most is the constant reminders of my failures and short comings and those "what could/should have been moments." Those bug me the most. I feel helpless and wish I could turn back time. I feel as if I'm holding things back that are hurting me, but for the greater good I keep them in. It's a tough feeling. It's a diffucult task. I just want things to work out for once. I'm sick of being "cursed" I'm sick of the constant failure I'm sick of thinking "what could have been" every night. As much as I want to go, there's something that keeps pulling me back. I just wish that I would have made some of these revolutionary thoughts oh about a year ago. Things would be different. This would be a different blog. I want, no, I NEED to make things right in my life, I just don't know how.
  • So you want to know how I'm feeling. Find the following songs: 4 Minutes by Avant and Beautiful Lie by Ashley Parker the lyrics/listen to the songs....oh and Because I Love You by Lenny Williams. Listen and then you SHOULD get it.

Monday, September 25, 2006

Blog Note

Usually Sunday night is a great blog night because I get a lot out there on the table when it comes to reviewing the week that just passed and previewing the upcoming week. Instead I'm taking a blog day off. I'm gonna wait 'til the dust settles in my mind and put out there the right message. I've been trying to do that. We'll see how it works tomorrow. I got lots on my mind, I just wanna make sure that I'm ready and willing to put it out there for the people.

Sunday, September 24, 2006

It's Nights Like These... which I even wonder why I even go out anymore. Seriously, I don't even know why I went out tonight. I didn't want to go out, heck I even told everyone that I had no intentions of going out this weekend or drinking. Yet I found myself out and drinking tonight. And the bars, that was great. Being out tonight just reminded me of every failure I've had with women since I've been in Carbondale. I can't even pull any positives. Did I have my chances? Yeah I did, but I had no interest in being out tonight. I'm sure had the finest girl walked up to me, I probably owuld have had to think twice about it. It's like I already know my fate so why fight a system that has been beating me for the last 20 years, it just doesn't make ANY sense. I hate it, I absolutely hate it. If it wasn't for sports I really don't know what I would have to live for. This college thing sometimes isn't what I thought it'd be. I can't wait 'til homecoming. The boys will be down and we'll get wasted beyond belief and it'll be a great weekend. Until then I don't know. I'm not happy here, and that is clear to me and I think everyone I associate myself with. But I continue to put on the happy face and one foot in front of the other in attempts just to get by. And at this point I just want to quit. I don't want to try anymore. I don't want to put any effort into something that is obviously a lost cause. Curses, you bet. Bad luck, what else is new? Lu being Lu, best believe it. I'm not meant to be happy. I'm not meant to be successful. It's meant for me to sulk over my failures and be reminded at every fucking turn of all of the times I fucked up. It's just UGH! I hate explaining it because I should just post the same thing every weekend. Copy and paste that's all I really need to do. Why even try with girls anymore down here? All that's gonna happen is that we'll end up close friends and nothing else. I always used to think that guys and girls could be "just friends" nope I was wrong. College brought the truth out real quick and made it painfully obvious that it just can't work. The truth hurts. So does my mind. So does my heart. At this point of my night I'm just gonna go to bed and hope tomorrow that the Bears win and give me something to smile about!