Saturday, December 31, 2005
JANUARY marked the return to Southern and some new things. No more roommate, I had a single room all to myself. I found myself refocused and rededicated and happy to be back. I partied it up while I could, but couldn't as much as my friends did last semester because after the house parties they were hitting up the bars, because in Carbondale all you have to be is 19 to get into the bars. Towards the end of January, I planned to make a positive move on Valentine's Day for once. Thinking that my past was behind me and the failures of V-Day's past would be unable to haunt me. However FEBRUARY came and the highlight of the month was the SIU confrence championship clinched on the home court against Witchita State. It was definetly the high-light of my college experience this year and last year. However, that was the only good to come out of this month. My Valentine's plan flopped due to my insecurities, my drunkeness, and in the end it was something that just wasn't meant to be. I've honestly dwelled upon it so much in this blog last year, if you really want to know what happened you can read posts from February til May of 2005. Oh yeah, I forgot to mention, the whole single room thing didn't work. Low on funds, lack of a job and a bit of chance happening that my suitemate's roommate pissed him off to the point he wanted to leave, I offered my room to him,. H e moved his stuff in to my room and since then we've been roommates. MARCH came and went with a bit of fan fare, but nothing to write home about. SIU made it to the NCAA tourney again which was totally awesome and we even won our first round match up. But in what was essentially a road game in Oklahoma City, SIU came short despite a first half lead and a late run in the second half came short of an upset of the #2 seed Oklahoma State. In the end, the team taht I had predicted to win the WHOLE thing in the beginning of the college hoops season won the whole damn thing in April when the University of North Carolina beat the 37-1 University of Illinois 75-70 in a great match-up which caused some interesting things. It had a torn campus half cheering the state school, big brother U of I, home of former coach Bruce Webber who began the run of excellence at Southern Illinois but bolted for the big bucks and the noteriety that comes with coaching in the Big Ten. Part of the campus found themselves cheering against the Illini seeing that Bruce Weber did spurn the Salukis and imagined the potential that they could have if they had their coach all along. Also part of it was just a feeling of dislike for a school that wasn't ours. Some of us, like me had different reasons. Being a big UNC fan since my childhood because of players like Jordan, Vince Carter, Jerry Stackhouse, Rasheed Wallace and the new guys like Sean May, Raymond Felton, Marvin Williams and Rashad McCants, my love for that team is why I cheered. My roommate on the other hand roots ACC over everyone, even though he is a Duke fan. APRIL came with hope of a 2005 championship for my Cubs, especially after the Red Sox crushed their curse. I cut school for opening day, taking a 6 hour plus train ride from Carbondale at 3 am to Chicago arriving around 9 am to arrive at Wrigley with my sign proclaiming I cut school for opening day. I made it on TV and I even got interviewed for the Chicago Tribune. However, opening day should have been a sign of things to come. Lack of production at the top of the order. A short outing by starter Kerry Wood and a blown save by LaTroy Hawkins and a Cubs loss was a sign of things to come. MAY school ended and I missed my SIU peeps, a lot. I was home sick for Carbondale as strange as that sounds. I missed the parties, living on my own and my friends. I would get in contact with them this summer which turned out to be the highlight of the summer. Oh and I also got back to my roots and played on a softball team with my friends from high school. I'll never forget our first scrimmage type game. At Warren Park in the rain, we made a major bottom of the 9th comeback which I led off and actually scored 2 runs that inning. JUNE 2005 had two high lights, both revolved around the Cubs. On June 18th I witnessed Cubs/Red Sox and had one of the best times at a ball game I had in a while. Not only did the Cubs win, but it was a great back and forth game where the Cubs won 7-6 without a Derrek Lee hit or a home run from anyone in fact. Dempster gave up two runs in the 9th to make it interesting but the Cubs won and shook Wrigley. I interacted with my Boston bretheren and have made unofficial plans to return the favor and go to Boston when the Cubs go whenever they go. I have nothing but kind words for Red Sox fans because they are knowledgeable, good-hearted and respectful baseball fans. June ended with the Cubs taking two-of-three at US Cellular against what would be the eventual world Champion Chicago White Sox (still sounds weird). The highlights of that weekend: Aramis Ramirez grand-slam against Jose Contreras in game two of the series and Mark Prior's complete dominance of the Sox in game 3. And my favorite depressed Hawk quote of the year: "And the Cubs have come in to US Cellular and taken two of three from the team with the best record in baseball." JULY was the highlight of the summer and here's why. My birthday, July 1st was the best day of the year. I turned 19, making me able to go into the bars in Carbondale. Not only that I welcomed my three best friends at Southern: my roommate Kevin, Steve from directly across the hall who was actually the second roommate because he basically lived in our room and Kristin. We went to the taste of Chicago and had a blast, we saw fireworks at Docs house and after Kristin and Hoos went to their homes, Steve stayed a few days and we partied, we chilled, we shopped and just had a blast. This birthday in July will be potentially even BIGGER with more invitations and possibly a combo-party. AUGUST was the turn month. It was the time where I went through the toughest time and everything that could go wrong went wrong. I got into my car accident a week before I was supposed to leave for school, the car ended up being totalled. My father didn't pay his part of the tuition bill on time, so all of my classes were cancelled, leaving me to settle for whatever was left just to be able to go to the university. My best friend was also involved in a car accident in which she was left in a coma and I learned about that the night that I was leaving to go to school. Those events set me back and put me in a very depressed mood that didn't go away until late in the school year. SEPTEMBER what's there to say, school started, my guy John left to go to basic training in the National guard, I partied it up upon my return to SIU and I came lookin to shake the magic v-card. Let's just say I still have it. OCTOBER was another sucky month. It sucked cuz the Sox won the World Series and I didn't hear the end of it, being the #1 Cubs fan and spokesperson for people who are actually Cub fans, not the assclowns that fill wrigley field for the experience, to pick up a date, whatever excuse people use. NOVEMBER'S highlights occured in a two week period. November 15th marked the highly anticipated Kanye West concert with me and my roommate and we had an awesome time singing every song and it was the event of the year in my eyes, well the highlight of this semester. Then came Thanksgiving, marking an end to my homesickness and all that good stuff. DECEMBER came and it was roller coaster of a month. At the end of November, I had an epiphany and everything came together, but it was too late. I hooked up my roomie with his g/f who liked, but you know since nothing was gonna happen, I just finished the job for them, well at least on his side. It was an up and down month partially because of that, I didn't know how I should feel, I was still taking shit from people and my grades definetly had me down. But in the end, everything came together again and I'm ready for next semester, refocused and reloaded. Christmas came, I got everything I wanted: a digital camera, Madden 06, College Hoops 2k6, Battlefronts II, 40 year old virgin, R. Kelly's trapped in the closet DVD, brown sugar, the sandlot, stewie griffin movie, I also bought fever pitch and american pie band camp. I got some clothes, a D. Lee jersey, a couple of button ups and some other good stuff.
That's it folks. I can't go on anymore with this. There's so much other stuff that happened that didn't make this thing and I'm sorry if I left out anything or anyone. Last year I made a list of people that helped me through this year. But there are so many that this year I can't mention them all, they know who they are and they know they are appreciated. Tomorrow I"ll come wtih my predictions and reactions from New Year's and things like that. Oh and I'll come with the stuff that I forgot, like oh yeah, December, THAT'S A BEARS WINNER AND A NFC NORTH DIVISION TITLE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! From that high, to the ultimate low of the failed internet girlfriend that my roommate hooked me up with that ended up killing their fake self off and yeah, that was the low point of the year BY FAR! Stay tuned folks, more is to come in 2006.
Thursday, December 15, 2005
This semester had disaster written on it before school even started. The car accident and my friends accident threw me for a loop that I wasn't able to recover from. Mentally I was drained before the school year even started. On top of that, my already rocky relationship with my father became even more rocky when he decided to pay his part of the tuition late cancelling all of my classes that I needed. That through me through the worst of all loops when it came to school. It was a tough adjustment, I spent the first two months depressed and unhappy as if I wanted to go home EVERY SINGLE DAY! I was on the verge of dropping out before I came to my senses on how stupid of an idea it would be to just drop everything just because of a couple of bad months. Classes seemed to be getting more difficult and I just didn't react well. I was getting a C in all of my classes at midterms, since then, I've bombed everything except english, and if we had tests in that class, I'd end up bombing those too probably. On top of that my personal life wasn't shaping up too well, it was a reason I was unhappy. Then there was the phase that I didn't know what I wanted for myself. It's tough to figure out what you want when college does a major job screwing up your perception on teenage/young adult social issues. Women are the devil, that's a wonderful conclusion to come to. Every girl I like only likes me as a friend, it's like a black hole I'm in. And then there was my roommate in a wonderful relationship, my cousin on the verge of marriage potentially and me, little ole me single, lonely and on the verge of depression. It was a different semester, though I suffered through the classic stuff that I did last year, but on a higher level, it was weird. My roomie got dumped and it was kinda like it came outta no where and that set him back, but the difference between he and I is that well, I don't know. I guess he's smooth with the ladies (in a drunken stuper I did call him the White Pimp of Suburbia) so I guess I kinda created a monster in that case. But you know he doesn't treat the ladies with the respect I do, but in the end he gets her. Even though he was out of the running all year, he swooped out from the depths of depression to pick up the girl that I swear is damn near EVERYTHING I WANT! I joke that I wish she had a clone so I could date her clone. Sometimes, I wish I would have stayed out of everything, hell sometimes I wish I never came down here in the first place. Sometimes I wish I didn't have feelings for her. It's just another wonderful story of heartbreak that I have to tell. And now that she's with my roomie, there's no chance of it ever happening between us, as if there was a chance in the first place. Ahh, another one of my problems, me getting down on myself. I take a lot of shit for not having confidence. Setting off a great catch 22. How can you have confidence when you've failed at everything before? I know I've brought it up, but I can't but help doing so in this moment. And as the days go by I wonder what would have happened if I were to have made a stronger push, made my feelings more known. In the end, I have the feeling that everything would have happened that happened before that. The rejection, the 'let's just be friends' speech, the awkwardness, and in the end the loss of friendship. Oooh and somewhere there is the drifting, can't forget about the drifting! Seems all my friends are getting it I can count that six of my closest friends are ALL in relationships or are about to be in them. And once again, lil' ole me, on the sidelines still. Wanna know what third base feels like? Ha, motherfucker, I'm still waiting in line for tickets. Oh, and what would talking about this semester be without talking about the great internet relationship. Oh what more can I say, except this is why I have no trust, no faith and no confidence because in the end, it ends up falling apart like the Cubs in September! It's like tradition or something. From the beginning I knew it was too good to be true, it had to be, why because it was me. Beyond the fact that it was an internet relationship in which no one knew the girl. Beyond the fact that we were seperated by 2 states. Beyond the fact that we had never met each other face to face let alone talk on the phone. But somewhere I had faith that this could be something, anything!!!! In the end, it was one elaborate hoax. One in which the girl faked her death and invented lives of her friends and lied about her identity. And I'm the one who is crazy? Just my luck. And what do I do, I put it through his head that the girl he's currently in a relationship with likes him, and while he was off pondering which thoughtless whore he was gonna nail at home or down here or wherever, I was the one that convinced him to ask her out. I was the one who put MY DAMN FEELINGS to the side and took one for the team. And what do I get out of it? Nothing, except the constant reminder that I'm a loser and a failure. Oh, and don't forget the constant reminder that the girl I've wanted since the first day I met her (i know that's how they all felt) is with my f'n roommate. And sure, all the other guys liked her, the difference is that they've had experience, they're looking for that extra umph in that relationship (you know what i'm talking about.) Me, in a perfect world, a relationship that doesn't revolve around sex would be marvelous to me. However, we don't live in perfect, I live in Chicago and during the school year I hold residence in Carbondale and these two places are FAR from perfect. However, next semester is a new semester and I will come back well rested, reloaded and refocused, the way I would/should have come down to this place from the beginning.
As a final note, I let my mind take a trip to last year to a girl I had a crush on, Ms. Calla. Ms. Calla will be leaving SIU after this semester to take some time off from school. We lost touch after she moved across campus to Thompson Point. And as sappy as this sounds, she'll always hold a special part in my heart. We had some great times together (minus the whole drunken confessions of love events) and I'll never forget them. I'll miss the times we went out drinking, i'll miss the times we ate Jimmy Johns, I'll miss the poetry sessions we had. Those were good days last year. I'll even miss talking about the Braves. I'll never forget the one game where she was outnumbered by at least 6 cubs fans in my room the Cubs choked away the playoffs against the Braves in 2004. And I'll remember the shrieking cheer from the sole Braves fan there. That was Calla, and those were my memories from semester one 2005.
Wednesday, December 14, 2005
- Saw The 40 Year Old Virgin, you'll get my thoughts and how the 19 year old virgin reacted to what could happen 21 years down the line.
- You'll get Another One Bites The Dust, a finals recap of three of the four finals that I have already taken
- I finally figured out what I wanted to say in that blog that I wrote while I was drunk
- The immortilization of the 1993 Atlanta Braves who under my leadership in Ken Griffey Jr. Presents Major League Baseball have just won the World Series. They just clinched game 4 in Baltimore by the score of 18-0 behind 33 hits and a complete game shut out by Greg Maddux. A 9 run second was very anti-climatic when it came to the game. Actually the whole series in fact the whole year was anti-climatic, c'mon I won 138 games! Only one game was close in this series and that was game 2 which was won on a 10th inning walk-off pinch hit home-run by the much maligned Damon Berryhill who was benched in May and his replacement was benched in June and did quite well for me. Berryhill went on to have big games in the two games in which he was the DH in the American league park. He went 8-12 with 4 RBIs with 1 HR. You know, had he played like that from the beginning, I would have never had the year I had because he was in a run producing spot. It all worked out better for the team in the long run. I will post this teams stats and record tomorrow or at least before I leave for the Chi.
- Poetry will be coming VERY soon I promise because I recently found my notebook, wonderful.
- That's it for now, I'll holla later.
Tuesday, December 13, 2005
they call me game time because how i play with words they call me birdman the way i flip them birds word play is my game other rappers is lame like a tiger with no dick they tame i'm straight outta the inferno my rhymes is flame i get more dome than them weak niggas at notre dame its a damn shame the way i be droppin these names but keep ya head low cuz u know u ashamed
no need for plastic silverware i use stainless steel might cost a little more but it heightens my appeal i wheel and deal looking for the right combination of words its ubsurd u must believe i have the best chemistry u heard
i love my random freestyle writings.....more to come tomorrow
Sunday, December 11, 2005
Tribute to Nice guys
anonymously posted @ 4:02 PM on December 11
This is a tribute to the nice guys like me. The nice guys that finish last, that never become more than friends, that endure hours of whining and bitching about what assholes guys are, while disproving the very point. This is dedicated to those guys who always provide a shoulder to lean on but restrain themselves to tentative hugs, those guys who hold open doors and give reassuring pats on the back and sit patiently outside the changing room at department stores. This is in honor of the guys that obligingly reiterate how cute/beautiful/smart/funny/sexy their female friends are at the appropriate moment, because they know most girls need that litany of support. This is in honor of the guys with open minds, with laid-back attitudes, with honest concern. This is in honor of the guys who respect a girl’s every facet, from her privacy to her theology to her clothing style.
This is for the guys who escort their drunk, bewildered female friends back from parties and never take advantage once they’re at her door, for the guys who know a girl is fishing for compliments but give them out anyway, for the guys who always play by the rules in a game where the rules favor cheaters, for the guys who are accredited as boyfriend material but somehow don’t end up being boyfriends, for all the nice guys who are overlooked, underestimated, and unappreciated, for all the nice guys who are manipulated, misled, and unjustly abandoned.
This is for that time she left 40 urgent messages on your cell phone, and when you called her back, she spent three hours painstakingly dissecting two sentences her boyfriend said to her over dinner. And even though you thought her boyfriend was a chump and a jerk, you assured her that it was all ok and she shouldn’t worry about it. This is for that time she interrupted the best killing spree you’d ever orchestrated in GTA3 to rant about a rumor that romantically linked her and the guy she thinks is the most repulsive person in the world. And even though you thought it was immature and you had nothing against the guy, you paused the game for two hours and helped her concoct a counter-rumor to spread around the floor. This is also for that time she didn’t have a date, so after numerous vows that there was nothing “serious” between the two of you, she dragged you to a party where you knew nobody, the beer was awful, and she flirted shamelessly with you, justifying each fit of reckless teasing by announcing to everyone: “oh, but we’re just friends!” And even though you were invited purely as a symbolic warm body for her ego, you went anyways. Because you’re nice like that.
The nice guys don’t often get credit where credit is due. And perhaps more disturbing, the nice guys don’t seem to get laid as often as they should. And I wish I could logically explain this trend, but I can’t. From what I have observed on campus and what I have learned from talking to friends at other schools and in the workplace, the only conclusion I can form is that many girls are just illogical, manipulative bitches. Many of them claim they just want to date a nice guy, but when presented with such a specimen, they say irrational, confusing things such as “oh, he’s too nice to date” or “he would be a good boyfriend but he’s not for me” or “he already puts up with so much from me, I couldn’t possibly ask him out!” or the most frustrating of all: “no, it would ruin our friendship.” Yet, they continue to lament the lack of datable men in the world, and they expect their too-nice-to-date male friends to sympathize and apologize for the men that are jerks. Sorry, guys, girls like that are beyond my ability to fathom. I can’t figure out why the connection breaks down between what they say (I want a nice guy!) and what they do (I’m going to sleep with this complete ass now!). But one thing I can do, is say that the nice-guy-finishes-last phenomenon doesn’t last forever. There are definitely many girls who grow out of that train of thought and realize they should be dating the nice guys, not taking them for granted. The tricky part is finding those girls, and even trickier, finding the ones that are single.
So, until those girls are found, I propose a toast to all the nice guys. You know who you are, and I know you’re sick of hearing yourself described as ubiquitously nice. But the truth of the matter is, the world needs your patience in the department store, your holding open of doors, your party escorting services, your propensity to be a sucker for a pretty smile. For all the crazy, inane, absurd things you tolerate, for all the situations where you are the faceless, nameless hero, my accolades, my acknowledgement, and my gratitude go out to you. You do have credibility in this society, and your well deserved vindication is coming.
Now that folks, was classic!
Saturday, December 10, 2005
I'm thinking about going out and have four minutes to make a decision. There's a part of me that wants to go out and have a good time and get drunk. But the other side of me says why go out because you're gonna go out get drunk come back pissed and depressed and still single. So why waste, right? Yeah, I don't have any single friends to go out with any more that aren't attatched to a computer game right now so I'm attatching myself to my computer right now. I might have a drink of a lil' somethin somethin in the fridge.
We'll see what happens, I now have 2 minutes to make a decision...i'll holla!
Here's something I've been itching to get at and hopefully someone can give me an answer or something. So a friend and I were talking about hooking people up, and my friend was telling me about how high school it was to have to "hook people" up. And I thought about it and I was like intersting because you know some people need help. Some people need a third party to get it done. You know, I never got hooked up with anyone in high school. Even my friends who had girlfriends who had single girlfriends still couldn't manage to hook me up. And this is why I'm in the situation I'm in now because everyone got theirs in high school and stuff and if things fall apart now, they can always go back to that one back in high school. See my thing is that, well now that I don't remember where this was going, I'm lost. Oh yeah, how high school-ish it is when people have to hook people up. Well, lets see, I felt bad when that was said because you know I failed at getting a girlfriend in highschool and have failed so far in college to get one so the only way to get it is maybe get help from a friend. Wow, this argument sounded so much better in my head. GRRR!!! Maybe i'll be able to clear it up tomorrow.
So I'm reading the conversation that me and my roomie's girlfriend had online tonite about me going out and stuff and wow, I'm aggrivated, whats even more interesting is that I aggraveted her, she went off on my ass. But you know what, I'm sick of the cheap shots. I'm sick of them, I try I fail and they give me shit because I don't have confidence. Well folks welcome to catch 22 where I ask the question How can you have confidence when you've failed your whole life? I don't know its not worth it any more. This is all bullshit, fuck it! I'm done
Friday, December 09, 2005
Thursday, December 08, 2005
So I spent some time, just randomly and aimlessly looking outside of the window, and for the first time in a while, I see a car driving. It is bitterly cold and quiet in Carbondale. If I was in a more poetic mood, I'd either stand in the end lounge or even if the weather was a little more bearable, I'd stand out there with a pen and a pad and just write one of the more indescribeable feelings that I'm having here. The weather and the scenery outside perfectly fit how I'm feeling, in fact, it's quite fitting. It's quiet, somber, and the one car at the end of the parking lot is very symbolic if you think about it. See this is what happens when you are left alone and you finish your geology lab report after its half assed listening to classic boyz II men shit. You are left here contemplating things that really have no relevance when it comes to anything.
So, I spent hours playing MASH today. You know, you remember M-A-S-H (Mansion, Apartment, Shack, House) where you give 5 of the following: member of the opposite sex, car, color, location, kids you want to have and job. Then you pick your favorite number and let the magic begin as your list gets crossed out left and right until you are left with your answers. I used to love and hate this game as a child. I hated when the results came back and I ended up with the least attractive girl, in a pink pinto, in antartica, with 20-some-odd kids living in a shack and working as a janitor. It was rare that I ended up with anything I wanted, sometimes I wondered if the game was fixed against me. As I look back at the luck I've had since those days in grammar school, I don't know where I can go wrong in believing I was set up. In the end though, it's a fun game. I always got nervous when it came to pick the girls, I usually saved that for last because I actually put thought into it. I dunno how you folks played but you picked 4 of the 5 choices and your friend who's doing MASH with you sets you up with the worst possibilites possible in mash.
10 Minutes before the SIU Computers sign me off of the system
So I had a thought that really set me back and made me feel like a total loser. In a conversation with a friend, we were talking about what I did a week ago with my roommate and what is now his girlfriend. My friend made a comment in which they said something to the extent that it was kinda sad that people still approached relationships as if they were still in high school looking for a hook up. I was taken aback by that because I felt it was a shot at me. Now, everyone will tell you, all of my friends and associates and maybe even my family will tell you that I am a very defensive person. Really, you can't blame me because I've taken a lot of shots, and of course I'm always ready to shoot back. Now granted, I don't have much ammo, especially when it comes to the game of love, but you might as well shoot with what you got right? So anyways, I thought about the statement and it hurt a bit. I've never been good with words when it comes to women, unless it was in a poem, then I can roll with it. I've never been the most attractive person, however, I don't know if I'm cursed by being the nice guy or being the "handsome young man." I don't know which is the one I fall under, its possible that I fall under both. I don't do anything particularly well, I'm not made of money, I'm not materialistic and I'm not a cassanova, a P.I.M.P. or anything like that. I'm just lil' old me. So I took that comment and kept thinking about my past (the same past that haunts me damn near everyday that I'm single) and I remember that no one ever hooked me up in high school because I spent a lot of time getting rejected. Grammar school, same thing. College, well college has been different because of well, it's college. College skews your visions, beliefs and ideas when it comes to relationships, sex, virginity and all that good stuff. Prom night is supposed to be the night and you're supposed to go into freshman year with the experience you need to handle the situation of the one night stand. Yeah that failed miserably. Hey lets go back even further to grammar school (inspired thought after watching Boy Meets World) when people played spin the bottle and 7 minutes in heaven and that was supposed to break you into the dating game and the kissing game and all that other good stuff. I was never invited to that kind of party. So, if I'm a bit immature when it comes to a relationship or approaching women and all that good stuff, I point to my past as exhibit A for my evidence. Not as an excuse, but as evidence on how my past has most likely scarred my future. So yeah to sum that up, sure the way I'm going at things may be high school or grammar school like, but when you miss out on all of that stuff you were supposed to get at back in the day, you can't feel but left behind.
1 MINUTE TIME FOR THE BIG FINISH
The Cubs traded for Juan Pierre, by doing so got rid of 2 top 10 prospects. No one's untouchable when you haven't won a World Series in 97 years. New Year's Eve, I'd rather be home alone with my cell phone off, the house phone unplugged and all modes of communication closed to me. Valentine's Day falls on a Tuesday this year and I'm already preparing Anti-Valentine's Mix of songs and I'm also looking forward to getting extremely wasted on Valentine's day, I'm glad I don't have any classes until 11 pm next semester. I'm hoping my roommate passes all of his classes this semester with a 2.0 or higher because I want him back next semester. If all else fails, I'll most likely invite Steve to live with me. Granted, Cubs/Cardinals games all of a sudden get real interesting with me being outnumbered Sox/Cards fans to Cubs fans in this hall a lot to a little, Steve's my guy nonetheless. Loneliness is all mental, or is it depression is all mental, I don't remember, this was from a conversastion that took place last week, wow I have memory issues. My roommate called me a manic depressive because of what some teacher described the symptoms to be. Does that teacher know me? Does that teacher know what I've been through? Until I find the definition of "manic depressive" both them assholes can kiss my manic depressive ass!!!
Random Question of the Night: Since Girls Gone Wild came out, how many knock offs have there been? Do they get royalties for being the first of its kind? Is there room for one more so I can get my loot and split.
Final Thought: Next week, my roommate and our friend Marcus have planned to take me out to the bars to find me a girlfriend. I never knew it was that easy...but folks it won't be. Their plan to boost my confidence will be to flat out embarass me. Now, I've been embarassed enough throughout the years in front of girls. Now Marcus says it worked for him. However, this seems like this will either make me or just break my soul. It might be the pessimist inside me but I'm gonna be betting on the latter. My roommate on the other hand gave me the story about howhe was the nice guy and #5 on the food chain when it came to his guys. He told me how he got these girls to make the transition from just friends to the next level. I throw the caution flier to myself that granted he comes off as a middle class kid, he's on a higher level for the simple facts that he is from the suburbs (cost of living is lower, that's why they are richer, they might make the same money as us city people, but their cost of living is lower) and let me see, he got hook ups from his friends and did I mention he has a car. I know the car thing didn't work out for me well, but I contend that I didn't have enough time to work that out. Me, I never got a hook up from anyone, its one of the reasons I'm in the situation that I am currently in now. I hseriously have my doubts about this. Only time will tell how things go. I just might spend the rest of my life miserable and single...and people in relationships, don't be jealous, remember you guys are the ones teasing me.
That's it for tonight folks, good night/good morning and have a pleasant tomorrow/later today!
Sunday, December 04, 2005
Saturday, December 03, 2005
- To every girl -that is herself no matter what and believes and tries to achieve her dreams-that dresses cute not skanky-who wants to be called beautiful and treated like a princess just once-that will spend her whole day looking for the perfect present-who gets her heart broken because he chose the whore instead and is scared to put her heart out there again-who is nice to everyone no matter what-that wont settle for the jerk-that cries at night because of another heartbreak-that wont get down on her knees and open her mouth just to get a boyfriend-that just wants to hold hands-who whishes he cared-who wastes her day waiting by the phone waiting for him to call-that just wants to cuddle/sleep (no sex) w/ him-who shows how much she cares and gets nothing back-who is just looking for that one and only and has had no luck
Oh, I want to sleep but I'm too bored and lonely unfortunately, I have a feeling I might be spending A LOT more years like this.
Friday, December 02, 2005
SIULou7186: ok so we was chillin in my room and this guy from upstairs rob said that we should go out and we hit up a house party; we get there and a water main breaks in the house, and then theres a fight, my guy gets a sudden nose bleed and leaves, me and the girl have drinks then leave cuz we think he left us....he goes to attempt to break up the fightCrazzyA29: damn.....SIULou7186: wait there's more cuz on our way back some guy wanted to walk behind me and the girl and then he up and disappeared and then reappeared running across the field then this guy says he had a bad night because he found a dinosaur and then she came up and then we walked her home, and then the dude was trying to be fresh wit her and i stopped him, but then he bit me and i got this nice coat and then i started hitting him in the head and then we almost got in a fightSIULou7186: so im here alone but she's gonna come pick me up for class tomorrow
There's more to it like my friend getting a bloody nose outta nowhere and then trying to break up a fight because country people can't mind their own damn business. And yes he bit me in the arm.
It's not the poetry that I promised but here are some random freestyles from tonite.
SIULou7186: tight rhymes from my boy young billy after a shot of amaretta i be rhymin so silly i'm doin things big style like my man slick willy two shots later im hittin on that the hottie jilly my rhymes so cold like christmas time wit old saint nick even that man acknowledges that my rhymes so sick and everyone gather round its x-mas time again im talkin to you baby girl and please bring a friend
SIULou7186: and baby girl we'll ride christmas to the end and we'll make this shit a trend cuz i'm a trend starter no me i don't barter my next verse i'm comin harder or maybe i come with a top charter yep indeed im headed to the top of the charts aimin for a bullseye like a game of darts i'm the ace of hearts yes believe what i say i end this rhyme with a holla holla and a have a nice day
SIULou7186: my minds so lost i don't understand half of what your sayin so i take time from that to get a lil' prayin but no need to pray i know what to say i'm oh-a-okay like that old offspring song i come out to play like jordan i swish j's like mike vick i make plays like a nerd i get A's and like a lunatic im crazed but thats cuz im a perfectionist i fuck everyones perception they pissed and hoes pissed cuz they miss what could be the greatest of all time though i could be talkin about my life in the bed im talkin about writin rhymes and hoes take a look and wish they could turn back time get the instant replay and we goin to overtime
SIULou7186: if it was up to me i'd be rhymin frequently with chi-towns finest layin down the track with a guest appearance by jay-z make a track we can call it part two of the dough boys go crazy but instead i feel to lazy feelin like i wanna go out find some hoes that all they wanna do is amaze me fake rappers think they hot they wanna blaze me all i wanna do is go back to work give my uni back and say fuck you to who pays me and say good bye to the crew and the staff walkin out of there with the loot but they too stupid to do the math damn manager should take a bath and shave in no particular order get rid of the beard and then u can bathe now i got the white boys out of whack they think they at a rave they fucked up off that x they think my name is daveSIULou7186: so i step off look for a girl wanna make her my slave like the old days love slave all up in my cave and i can't believe that i just brought myself down to this level of rappin about hoes but the guys who rap about this are always the ones the go gold but fuck gold when my ass can go plat i can do it probably two times be like lil' wayne and bring it back but to the top of the map to the chi wit pride where real ballas don't ride big wheels they don't need the fame my boys like the g-unit they don't need no game we just roll up to the joint and the owners know our name northside chitown yeah baby we do the damn thang
I dunno, besides that, today was an up and down day, just like this has been an up and down week. I'm alone in my room, i'm pretty out of it, its not like that i don't like being alone, but i'm tired of it, especially when everyone else is getting lucky, i'm gonna have to explain that later. But for now I QUIT!
Wednesday, November 30, 2005
Tuesday, November 29, 2005
Monday, November 28, 2005
- Friday, Saturday, Sunday- Friday the Salukis won over LA-Lafayette in my last SIU moment before I went home. Got home Saturday tired, yet not tired enough not to drive the Pimpala. Slept most of the train ride home, I was awoken by yuppie Champaign folks who wouldn't sit with random people on the train...gosh butch up Chambana people! Saturday night partied with Tony, George, Skinny, Ricky, Amber and her friends and people. I got to drink Vodka for free so yeah, I enjoyed that, I also enjoyed the intoxicated TBK run. I wasn't drunk but I wasn't tipsy, I was a tweener. Sunday I watched the Bears beat the Panthers. GO BEARS!
- Monday was uneventful, um, I'm trying to think as I type, oh yeah I drove to Grayslake with my mom for an inspection. I hate the suburbs, I also hate rand mcnally road maps, they give you half ass directions. I don't trust them much anymore. My roommate saved me from being lost in suburbia. I'll get to him later. Tuesday I worked for my sister's boyfriend and a garbage can fell on my face, ripped my glasses off my face, cut my face, left me lookin like rudolph the red nosed reindeer for a few days, I learned I'm super blind without my glasses. I showed up to work Wednesday, but Bob (my sis' bf) gave everyone the day off. I spent all night with Anna, which it was great seeing her again in person and Rosa who came to pick me up to go see her. It was great talking to them til 3 am, we covered a lot of topics, hell I even signed Anna's yearbook from junior year which suprisingly I never signed. I say suprisingly because that was the year we became real good friends. So yeah, it was original because it was in retrospect, bad ass in my part. Thursday was thanksgiving and I ate well to keep it simple. I spent my Friday cleaning and packing. Saturday I ended up back in Carbondale staying with my guy Marcus. And now it's Sunday night/Monday morning and I'm back to typing. That's my week off!
I love the internet. You can find everything: song lyrics, cheat codes, book reviews, music, sports scores, rumors, innuendo, movie stuff, etc. But what interests me is dating sites and sites that are supposed to connect young people (i.e. Facebook, My Space, Xuqa, Xanga.) What interests me about them is their purpose. Facebook and Xuqa connect you with your classmates and serve as potential random college hookups (though every story I've heard about people hooking up with others on those have been horror stories starring weirdos, stalkers and losers.) My Space got bad because I got sick of all of the "pass this message to twenty people in twenty seconds or you will have no love life forever." Funny thing is I do pass them forward sometimes for fun and yeah, still without my true love and all of those empty promises. Xanga is pretty cool: pictures, music and blogging, it ain't bad. But yeah, here are my random thoughts on Xuqa which is my new internet crack. Yeah, I might have mentioned this before but I don't care right now because I'm tired. So yeah, Xuqa is very much like a dating site, it encourages random hookups, "tickling" as opposed to facebooks "poking", secret admirers, sending gifts and kisses. Questions about turn offs, things you like, if you were on a date, etc. But yeah, still haven't had my random hook up, I'll be waiting idly at my computer, in the mean time I'll be checking my fantasy football, basketball and hockey teams, reading the papers in Chicago and updating my life on the blog....Interesting, you tell girls you're a virgin, its like they applaud you for not being a man whore and its kinda ya know a respecting thing, but you tell the guys and you take hell for not being super pimp, I'm sooo confused....speaking of women, i've made an interesting move. As you may or may not know, since the thing with that internet girlfriend failed me (thanks roomie for the biggest failure in a hook up since McNair passed it to Kevin Dyson and he came up one yard short) I put myself into retirement from the chase. It just hurt too much, but once again, even though I saw it coming it still hurt because somewhere, I let myself be had to the point where maybe for once I could believe or I could be going through a good luck period. Neither happened and yeah, that's that. Well anyways, solidifying the end of the chase is me growing out my beard. Yes, I'm repping the old man look, but I'll make sure to keep it relatively clean. I'm tired of chasing girls, especially when a majority of them are too superficial for me. So this is the deal I won't shave until I get a girlfriend, I have to shave for a job, or until new years day (which would symbolize a fresh start for a new year) even though every year I make the same resolutions and they never work out. So yeah, oh and the other message I'm sending out to girls is that if you don't like me for me then you ain't worth my time, if you can't get past a bit of facial hair, then you must be a bit superficial....speaking of New Year's Resolutions, I went back to my earlier blog from LAST year to see what they were and if I accomplised anything I set myself to do this year. Do Better at School I'd rather not talk about my grades except the A I'm getting in my english class, though last semesters grades KICKED TOTAL ASS! Be a Better Person well lets see, um, that was supposed to be the kinder gentler Lou. Yeah, well still the nice guy, though I've been bitter for quite some time when it comes to women. Get a job at school yeah, unless being unemployed IS a job, then yeah, I failed at that one too. I Want to Forgive and Forget yeah, well let's see. The bitch from Sex and The City Put it in the best way: How can you forgive when you can really never forget. Seriously, you can always forgive, on a surface level only of course, because you will never forget. I do not know ONE PERSON who has completely forgotten something they want to forget (no matter how drunk they got, they were always reminded the next day so throw that idea out of the window)! So yeah, that failed I guess. Go out and get laid read above, and read other blogs where I tussle with myself about wanting to lose my virginity, waiting for a decent girl to lose it too, waiting til I'm in an actual relationship, and yeah, I'm a super virgin so yeah....NEXT! The final one: Find me a good girl well that one has come with mixed results. I've found me PLENTY of good girls. However, none of them have an interest in me in the way I'd like them to, so once again, just a friend! Damn, reminds me of a song I used to like that I want to listen to now, I gotta find it! Oh actually the last one was be myself, I guess I succeeded at that....Since I left The 'Dale, C-Dale, Carbon-deezy, Salukiville, whatever you call it, me and my roomie are still in the same situation. Looks like he'll be going in for the kill soon. Too bad I have nothing on him to make a move myself, though nothing would make me happier to get the girl that EVERYONE on the floor wants (and there's more competition off the floor with other guys on campus and even more not even in the city limits.) So basically, I'm shit out of luck, I'm hopin if I can't get her, maybe she can introduce me to friends of hers that are cute like her, fun like her, single like her, interested in me (she ain't interested in me like that, so yeah.)
In a segment that is very much like the old "articles" I used to write in high school, I end with a final thought. This final thought is on the Laffy Taffy song. It is intruiging to say the least. You either hate it or love it, its been a good year for songs like that (such as anything by Gwen Stefani, the Trapped in the Closet Saga for examples.) But yeah, its a good beat with a catchy lil' bit of wording, but yeah, IT SUCKS! Its a song suckfest, but you can't hate cuz them guys are getting a lot of airplay, a lot of attention (whether it be bad or good, attention is attention), and of course they put twista on the remix, so that makes it bearable. So yeah, Laffy Taffy, hate it or love it. Okay, it has my attention because of the line: "Gurlz call me Jolly Rancher Cuz I stay so hard You can suck me for a long time Oh my god!" This line makes me think of Chris Rock when he says "it's hard these days to defend rap music." It is, rap music was easy to defend in the 80s with Grandmaster Flash's the Message and Run DMC. Hell, I could defend Eminem, Jay-Z, T.I., edgier rappers like that. Kanye, Common, Talib Kweli, Mos Def can defend themselves with their own lyrics. But I can't defend the Ying Yang Twins' Whisper Song, David Banner's Play, anything by 3-6 Mafia, or this damn Laffy Taffy song. This is the lyrical genius that gets signed to record deals while I have something to say about things and I'd be put off to the side because I wouldn't be rapping about coke, guns, blunts, 40s and bitches. I'd be rapping about the ever-elusive truth! The truth people don't wanna hear about, but hey, their loss right? Between gurls "call me jolly rancher cuz i stay so hard, Wait til you see my dick, finger fuck your pussy like you want some girl," and Paul Wall who all his raps are about his nice cars, and Mike Jones' self absorbed raps; I think me, my roommate, and our friends nate and steve could be a damn formidable rap group. I could be the one who brings the truth, my roommate can rap about cars, steve can rap about being a country boy and nate can rap about being a preppy boy. We'd be great! All I need is some beats from Kanye, Dr. Dre, Lil' Jon, Scott Storch, Timbaland, Just Blaze, Pharrell, DJ Smurf aka Mr. Collipark and guest appearances by Kanye, Twista, Cam'ron, Jay-Z, Nas, The Game, Common, Ludacris, T.I., Eminem and Lil' Wayne, oh yeah and Kells cuz he could bring some girls that are my age (17-19 kells) and then we can have a party and a hit record. Oh yeah and I gotta do a track with the Clipse. But yeah, its like Chris Rock said again "If the beats alright, we can dance all night." That's all it seems to be sometimes. Gotta love those real life rappers, ones that actually have lyrical talent.
On that note, good night til tomorrow!
Friday, November 18, 2005
Last night I made promises about what I was gonna write and gave little tidbits about things I was gonna drop tonight. Well folks I ain't gonna disappoint, here's tonights random thoughts....
RANDOM THOUGHTS (from yesterday AND today)
Okay we'll start with the story that scares me the most, and I'll give a little bit of background on it too. In August my roommate, in attempt to boost my confidence with the ladies, pawned this girl on the internet from Michigan on me. To keep a long story short, he met her through a friend of his who met her online. She came on to him last year but he rejected her when he got a girlfriend in real life. He put her on to me too give me a boost. In the beginning, I fell for it. But at the same time I said that it wouldn't suprise me if this was all a complete, elaborate hoax because "any girl that thinks I'm a hottie is either blind or a liar." Those were my exact words, ask my friends. Well anyways, a month later she supposedly attempted committing suicide on the anniversary of the day she broke up with my roommate's friend, and then while in the hospital the doctors found out that she had lung cancer. Days after that she died of the lung cancer at the age of 19. A very shady story in my eyes. On top of that, her sisters were making posts on her Xanga page updating and talking and blah blah blah. Oh and then on top of that, we find out that these people: her, her friends, her "family" are all made up people just to elaborate the story. You have to be sick to do that. Then out of no where another sister pops out of the blue and says that she's taking over the site and that she was looking for a boyfriend. Not necessarily you do something RIGHT AFTER the death of family. But the funny thing is that the pictures that she supposedly puts up of herself were the ones her sister gave to me. Then she stalked my roommate and myself, I changed AOL ScreenNames, and now she tries to talk to me on the my space account that I have. Now there's another one that describes herself just like the other ones: blonde, tennis/volleyball players who's single and looking, but instead of Michigan she's in Springfield, IL. Yeah, creepy stalker lady, YIKES! Oh wait, here's a new one that was brought to my attention. I looked at her two Xanga sites and yeah, the one she originally has all of a sudden she comes back to life 3 months later and is back with the original boyfriend. Oh and the one she made after she supposedly left that one, the new sister has moved to California. All of this has made me so sick, it makes me wonder about the power of curses, hexes, jinxes and things of that nature that have been put upon me. It makes me think that I've done something wrong in life to deserve being lied to and deceived in this matter. It makes me think that I'm destined to be alone in life....But enough with that, because that's a different blog for a different night. Here's a simple one for ya, I give my roommate about not thinking before he speaks and says something stupid. Well I should heed my own advice, granted, I was coerced to say that because of the situation and what had been said and it was something I usually said but knowing the circumstances and the "mixed company" I should have known better than to say what I said. Me and my stupid mouth....Great quotes from english class: Reading this book will give you an STD.-teacher Today's the perfect day to slit your throat.-teacher. GREAT QUOTES! The quote with throat slitting was interesting because it was such a gloomy day and things like that, it did seem like a perfect day. And the book we're currently reading: Waiting For The Barbarians is a dirty dirty book....Ooh, remember when I found my mind the last few days, well that happened when a certain someone left the area and yeah, mind clear. They come back all of a sudden, minds back to being dumb mind again and yeah that sucks! I don't know, the power of certain people shocks me sometimes, puts me in my place to think about it....songs, oh I love music and can't live without it, but the other day I was listening to some songs that yeah, they put me in a depressed mood. Funny thing is that was the kind of music I wanted to listen to, I wanted something mellow. Well it got so mellow it brought me back to a time period where I was unhappy with myself and things. But then there's music that just picks me up when I'm down. Then there's music that absolutely just pumps me up and motivates me to do things. That's the power of music, it cna put you in your place, it can put you in a frame of mind, it can take you anywhere and yea, I LOVE MUSIC....I was gonna talk about covers but yeah nothing special is coming to my mind right now....We're still in the same situation that we were in this last weekend. I don't know what I'm going to do with myself, I really don't. That's the problem with women, when you're younger you don't want them, you get older you want them but they don't want you. However, I've never been wanted by someone that I wanted in return (and have known about it.) The parenthases are prefaced by a series of events that happened earlier in my life that probably changed my relationship with girls for a long time, or at least til I get my first relationship. I hate when I like a girl and she doesn't know it or when I like a girl and she doesn't like me back the way I do. Or to top that, I hate when I like a girl who likes another guy and that guy likes someone else and the beat goes on if you catch my drift. I've never knowingly been that guy. Once again, bad luck and bad timing contribute to my current situation with women. But yeah, it just drives me insane to think that I like someone and the feelings aren't mutual and that I can do nothing about it because they've already made up their mind. So you're stuck in a pickle. Ooh, here's a goodie for ya. Person A likes Person B. Person B like's Person A's friend, Person C. Person C however has no clue what's going on, and confides in their friend Person A. Now Person A is stuck in a dilemma. Where do Person A's loyalties lie? With Person C or with Person B? Or no loyalties to others, just loyalties with themselves. Wow, that makes Philosophy look easy. These are the moments in which I wish I could bring back my old favorite segment: What Would Lu Do? Well, here's your chance people, got a question about anything? Need advice? Need a prediction? Want a thought? Before Jean-Jean Pierre was doing horoscopes at NIU and before Dave Chappelle's Show had Ask A Black Guy and Ask A Gay Guy, I was in High School writing bullshit with a psuedo-advice column that I called 'What Would Lu Do?'
And that concludes RANDOM THOUGHTS! WOO HOO! See y'all in Chicago unless something important breaks.
Thursday, November 17, 2005
Wednesday, November 16, 2005
Tuesday, November 15, 2005
"Me (lmfao) in my wildest dreams that include a year in which the bears, bulls, cubs and SIU win championships and i'm there to witness each of them in person front row with a press pass."
It's how I felt and how I feel. My roommate didn't do anything or say anything to refute that, I actually thought he would, I guess it hurt more after he agreed completely. He knows how I feel about her, hell I told him in the beginning when I met her. But yeah, I guess we differ too much, I can't give her what she wants, despite how simple she is. She doesn't come with major baggage, she doesn't come with 'me' issues, she's got a great personality, a good head on her shoulders, but she's country I'm city. And I'm actual city, not prep. I'm from the streets bitch j/k. I come from a middle class home where I was raised correctly with an old school mindset about a lot of things. Where we conflict is supposedly my views on women. Somehow I see women as a piece of ass that should be taken care of. OHHHH MY!!!!! Well, I have to defend myself, and here's my defense. College has skewed my views on women. I have NEVER looked at women as a piece of ass and if someone believes that then they obviously don't know me. If I somehow come off like that, either people can't read me or I'm sending out the wrong vibes. But all in all, COLLEGE HAS FUCKED ME OVER. The media has helped in that process. Peer pressure has helped further that sick thought in my head. The whole prom night sex thing...overrated and not worth the time effort and most importantly money that goes into the potential of having sex with a girl. One night stands, HAH! I laugh, especially the one's that are alcohol related. I don't want to wake up next to a random girl wondering "what the fuck happened last night?" or something with no strings attatched. I'm not like that, I never thought of anything like that. But between the media that pushes sex everywhere and dangles it in your face as something attainable and as if it was something you wanted and needed and couldn't live without. And then peer pressure pushes it to a limit and it pushes you more than pushing, it shoves you and forces you to pick a side, it's like a friggin Dusty Baker motivational speech. You're either with them or with us. You either need to be having random meaningless sex with anything that walks or you need to be a virgin 'til marriage or the right girl comes along. College has skewed my mind too much. Here's another self reflection, I'm too weak. I'm too weak to handle this pressure; the peer pressure, the media crusade all that stuff, I'm too weak. But the idea that I think of women as a piece of ass, well it comes when it's forcefed down your throat from the media and your "friends." The friends that tell you that its overrated are the ones pressuring you the most. It's your friends that have relationships and whenever you're around you can't escape it. You can't escape that lovey-dovey feeling. And this is where I'm weak too, I've finally learned I'm the jealous type. Shame on me, I've never been one to be jealous of what someone else had because I always wanted my own things. But once again as you get older, your mind is shaped for you. But yeah back to this girl. I have to get this off my chest because the similarities between her and the girl from last year are just too eerie to overlook them. Cute, blonde, great personality, simple genuine small town girls and the whole virgin thing. And sometimes I think its just me. And the cherry on top the new girl used the old girl's ID to get into the concert on Saturday. IRONY IS ALL OVER THIS BEYOTCH! I was actually joking (kinda) when I was telling my roommate that sometime before this semester is over, I'm gonna get completely trashed and confess my love in a way that makes last year look small time. It's funny cuz the same way I felt about the girl last year is the same way I feel about the one this year. There's connections and similarities. But because of what happened last year, it's why I'm keeping a lot to myself and on this blog. I don't want to lose another friend. Oh, funny thing number two, irony number two. I might have mentioned last night that last years girl wants to go to Columbia College in Chicago because SIU can't give her the fame and things of that nature that the big city can. And I'm THE QUISESSENTIAL CITY BOY! It actually sickens me. And at this point I realize, my mind is working again. The fact that my mind is fully functional again makes me smile inside and out. Ladies and gentleman, I'm back, so get ready for the old school Lu-style blogs. Informing, entertaing and maybe, just maybe you might catch a laugh or two along the way. I'm back motherfuckers!!!!!