Is This The End?

Well folks after today's 9 point loss at Wichita State, SIU drops from the 4 way tie atop the Missouri Valley Conference to second place with 5 games left. Today's 2 OT game was a heart breaker, especially after Jamaal Tatum hit that miracle three to send it to the first overtime, I thought that maybe our luck could change. It didn't, so now I'm hurt. 2 losses in one week really will drop our NCAA ranking to a point where we MIGHT not even make the tournament. Though all the experts say we're in and the MVC will get four teams, I have my doubts if we don't win the regular season conference title. Though, maybe this is the year that we win the conference tourney in St. Louis. I don't want the 4 year conference run to an end.

The Official 'I'm bored' Blog

Good news people, it's Friday. Bad news people, I'm still stuck in Carbondale. It's been about two or three weeks since I've been back and I'm already back in the rut. This place is pretty fucking boring. Yeah, I know I'm in a crabby mood, but it's not like I didn't see it coming. Let's see it's February and it's kinda cold. Around the corner is Valentine's Day and yes suprisingly it's in my face all over again. We're currently in the transition period between football and baseball season where basketball takes filler time, but I don't get many, if any Bulls games. College basketball is a month away from being the filler between spring training and opening day. And then there's me, miserable in the cold and lonely middle of nowhere. I really should have seen this coming, I sometimes wish I wasn't so ignorant to the fact that NOTHING GOOD IS GOING TO HAPPEN, PERIOD! I came into this semester with high hopes to be sociable only to be let down. So what else is new, disappointment is quite common in my life. So here I am alone, pissed, borderline depressed and with nothing to do. I don't even want to drink because A) it costs money B) I'd have to leave my room and C) it does me no good. Remember, alcohol is a depressant and yeah that's not gonna make me feel any better about myself. Right now, on my mind is my roommate and his girl, they got back together, I might have mentioned it in last nights blog. Not to sound like sour grapes, but he got a second chance....how the hell does he get a second chance and I don't even get a first chance. It's thoughts like that that baffle my mind sometimes and just get me really aggravated! It doesn't friggin make any friggin sense. All it does is just make me stressed and upset even more. It makes me wonder: what the fuck is going on in my life? Nothing, that's it. That's why I dream that the Cubs win the World Series sometime soon because I won't need anyone to celebrate with, it'll just be me and the Cubs, and that's all I really need ain't it? See it's really easy to write what I want on this blog because I KNOW THAT NO ONE READS THIS! But I don't even care anymore, that just gives me more leeway to drop names and get out my issues with less of a problem. I think I need to start preparing myself for the single life. And another thing...people praise the single life as this great orgy of fun. Well lemme tell you something, sure single life can be good. Can be good, just like Kerry Wood can be good when he's healthy! It can be good because you don't have to answer to no one and you can date/screw/do whatever to whoever you want without cheating. Well that's all fine and dandy but when you need a hug, no one's there. When you need a kiss, who's there? When you need to cuddle, who's there? No one and THAT my friends is what sucks about the single life. Nothing makes me more miserable than being around people in a relationship. Even just while walking around anywhere, when I see a happy couple I just want to GRRRR strangle someone. Yeah, I'm bitter and bitter for good reason too. You know as the years go one, I'll be going to my friends weddings and baby showers and I wonder where the hell will I be in that time? Probably in the same situation I'm in now. And I know I'll catch shit from anyone who reads this and they'll say "Lu all you do is sit at your computer...blah blah blah" shove it bitches! That's my response. You know no one gives other people shit when they fail and stop trying, what makes me different? What because I'm a nice guy that perfect girl is going to come out of the woodwork and make me the happiest person in the world. That's highly unlikely. Look at me, I don't even want to come up with anymore witty lines because I am THAT pissed at everything now. And really, no one understands. They say they understand, but do they really? You could have been in a similar situation, possibly, but do others really know what you're going through or are they saying it just to make you feel better. Better yet, are they saying it to make themselves feel better by putting the thought in their head "wow, i feel bad for him, maybe if i can sympathize/empathize with him..." see I can't finish my own sentences. Basically they want to help others just to make themselves feel important as if they actually did something or cared. I've had it to about up to here *motions to throat* and I really don't know how much more I'll be taking. College has really fucked me up, it has totally thrown my sense of everything through a fucking loop. Potentially, college might be the end of me, currently it has me in a downward spiral. Who would have known the best years of my life would be spent in front of a computer venting my angers to the "world wide web" of people who don't actually read this stuff. But it's better than any journal I've kept in the past, I can't even read my own hand writing sometimes. So I currently sit in my room, unhappy and as of right now I'm unwilling to change anything because anytime I am willing to change anything it goes for the worse. This is what I get for having hope. Ahhh, I'm done for now, I'm sure I'll do some more bitching later!

Upon Further Review

So I have found myself doing a lot of "upon further review" posts which I guess can be taken however you'd like. Maybe it's self reflection, maybe it's just realization, maybe it's correction. Whatever it is, it keeps happening. Maybe, just maybe, the way I feel now is what happens after you are one day removed from what was definetly one of the more strange days I've ever been a part of. There's so much to write about, so I guess I'll start with my day.

I. MY DAY IN WORDS

So my day was quite interesting, though it didn't start well. I woke up cold because I left the windows wide-open and I didn't turn on the heat at all though I must say I was comfortable in bed. I looked outside my window and it was very representative of how I felt and I hoped that it wouldn't be a sign of things to come. It was dark, dreary, cold and rainy. It figures it would be like that after the first home loss for the SIU basketball team since January 2nd 2004 (team must have been playing off a hangover, this is Carbondale!) I went to class today, another pop quiz. That's 3 this week, wasn't pretty but I got through it. Ate lunch at the student center with my roomie at Subway just to catch up on some things. Then class again, pretty uneventful I must say. In fact today was quite boring. I came back, don't quite remember what I did. Oh, I got my package today, that was the highlight of the day. I got chilli, chorizo, a tamale and Fannie May chocolates which are the savior of valentine's day. My parents are so totally awesome, I miss them a lot and I'm sure my mom misses me driving her around. Later I watched UNC beat #23 Maryland in Maryland snapping their 14 game home winning streak. After the big UNC win then came on Beauty and the Geek, good show but they gave the geeks make overs and the one downfall of this show in my opinion is that when the guys get made over, they all look the same. It was quite reminiscent of when I came back to school 1st semester this year and all of the guys looked the same. Spikey gelled hair, button-up shirts with light colors. I'm not a big fan of uniformity unless it is on a sports team, that's the only exception, sorry folks! After 'Beauty' then came 'Wild-n-Out' the improv comedy freestyle show, heck of a show, very entertaining. After that I watched the Hulk Hogan show on VH1, played some Madden 98 on super nintendo and now I'm here writing part one of a 3 part blog.

II. Upon Further Review

This section will be a bit shorter, but no big deal. Thinking about what happened last night and the change compared to tonight with my roommie and his well the best way to put it would be on-again, off-again girlfriend. Well tonight they're on-again which is good, especially with all the drama and the sadness that occurred last night. I guess they had heart-to-heart deep talks and she wants things to work out and he's willing to change his stupid ways so I guess I admire her for knowing what she wants and I just hope on his part that he gets his head out of his ass and gets back on the good foot. The couple, they're good for each other, they give each other what they need at this point in their lives (well as long as my roommate's on a good day of course.) I can't predict the future, if I could, I'd be doing it on Wall Street and making loads of money. So things are good again. I'm friends with both parties and yeah we both had long talks, good talks and we got things said that were important. The talks between my roommate and I were more significant because well, I think I'm one of the few people that he actually trusts on campus. I can't blame him, it's not like I'm shady or anything. I'm as straight up as they come, so I'm good people. I'm a real good person to confide in, I've learned that. Girls love me because unlike most guys not only do I LISTEN, but I have insightful words and advice. That goes beyond what most guys do which is listen until they get the girl in bed. Once again, I hope things work out for the best for both of them. Until then, whatever happens will happen.

III. Last Night versus 'Bartman Night'

Last but not least, the thing that was bouncing in my head all day long was the comparisons between the ever so strange days that were last night (which still doesn't have a nickname yet) and the infamous 'Bartman Night.' Both are similar in many ways. I remember both as if they occured yesterday though one actually did occur yesterday. Both days I ended up feeling ill, yesterday was the stomach sickness and Bartman Night I caught a cold. Now how did I catch a cold on Bartman night. Well on what was supposed to be a clear day in Chicago, I got caught in the rain waiting for the bus and then it got cold and yeah it wasn't pretty. Both days involved odd school days that built up anticipation for the game. Both had shocking and unthinkable events that left me baffled and upset. Both left me with the resounding thought: WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED TONIGHT? After both games, I had that sick to my stomach feels like I was beat emotionally and punched in the stomach. Both nights were in one word, heartbreaking. The differences are simple, but important. I was at the SIU game cheering my lungs out along with my roommate. I watched the Cubs take a 3-0 lead and hopped on the train to go to Wrigleyville in anticipation of a celebration. When I got to Wrigley I looked up at the scoreboard as they put up the big yellow 8. I looked up at the scoreboard at the SIU arena, hoping that maybe I was witnessing a farce of some sorts. In both cases, my team lost leaving me heartbroken to say the least. I don't know if I'll ever be able to let go of either game for a long time. Not until the Cubs win the series. Not until March Madness rolls around and I see SIU seeded in the NCAA Tournament. All in all, both nights sucked for me. I spent so much emotional energy to get heartbroken, so what else is new.

Still dreading Valentine's Day. As I write this it's now 12:17 and it's February 3rd. 11 days left. 12 days until pitchers and catchers report to spring training. 59 Days until Opening Day 2006!

THAT FUCKER BUSH!

That son of a bitch is just like his father, and that's not just the intoxication speaking. Bush is cutting medicare and student aid. Just like his fucking father did. It's a shame, just because HE and his rich bitch friends of the good ole boy network can afford to send their kids to school, guess what, my family can barely send me to school, so this fucking sucks. It's just another reason for me to be extremely pissed!!!!!!!!! Not that after tonights game was fucking cake walk either. Oh and on top of that my roomie and his gf broke up and yeah it's heartbreaking, just things weren't working out, which sucks. We have lotsa drinking to do to make up for it. FUCK BUSH! Tonight just proves not only does he not care about black people, he doesn't care about the future of this country or the voters that got him to where he is (aka OLD PEOPLE!!!!!!!!!!) ASSCLOWN!

WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED?

The headline sums it up folks. It was stunning and the feeling I have is absolutely sickening. SIU, the team with the longest home winning streak in the country lost today, stunned by Indiana State 63-54 AT HOME. My roommate and I sat there, stunned in disbelief. I stared at the scoreboard, hoping someone would pinch me, wake me up and tell me that this did not just happen. Hell, I'm still in shock. Indiana Fucking State! It's not like they have Larry Fucking Bird out there. 1-10 in the conference, 1 and fucking 10!
To put it simply without taking too much energy out of my already depleted body, here's the game recap. We were cold, they were hot, they got ALL OF THE CALLS in one of the worst refereed games I've seen at the Arena. I hate blaming the refs because the Dawgs missed baskets, some free throws but to be fair, Indiana State should have been at the line less times and the Salukis should have been at the line more times. It's as simple as that.
Several students stayed in their seats, shocked and dismayed at what happened. There was a subtle hush over the crowd after the game, it wasn't the same. Losing fucking sucks! I hate this feeling. Some of us stayed in our seats trying to figured out what went wrong on a night in which we could have taken the overall lead in the MVC. The night was set up perfectly, UNI lost to Creighton and we were playing a team that was 1-10 in the confrence. And we just couldn't do it. They've been doing this for 4 years consecutively, winning at home. I just don't get it, I'm still stunned.
So, in closing, today sucked as a whole. Fire drill at 6 am woke me up, took me out of my sleep and after breakfast I had a major upset stomach. The only good thing was I beat my roommate in two games of basketball. But I would have rather lost those and watched the Dawgs win.
I, personally, have never been a part of anything this special in my entire life, ever. In little league we were the best during the season, but we never won a championship. In high school the football team always choked at the end of the season. The basketball team was good for one year and one year only. The baseball team was good, but never won anything while I was there. The Bears haven't done anything since the year I was born. The Bulls haven't done anything since 1998. The Blackhawks haven't done anything since the mid-90s. The closest thing that could compare to this was the 2003 Cubs. Tonight, I have the same feeling that I had on the infamous "Bartman Night." Same sickening feeling, same long walk home, same sadness and shock and disbelief. So where to from here? I guess we have to start one all over again, I'd rather not, but I guess all good things have to come to an end. But why tonight? Why against a team that was 1-10 in the conference?
At the end of the game, the announcer said to have a good rest of the week. Well the rest of this week consists of bullshit, school and the fact that SIU no longer has something to be known for in college basketball. As a conference, the MVC is overlooked. As a team, SIU is overlooked in a state that loves winning teams and has embraced every team in this state except the one here in Carbondale. Ridiculed by Illini fans who stole our coach 3 years ago, same Illini fans that wanted Weber out after his first year, love him now. I'm still stunned.
I can't say it enough times, but I HAVE NEVER BEEN A PART OF ANYTHING THIS SPECIAL! After the Dawgs won the conference on the home court, I rushed the court, my roommate and I rushed the court. I had never been a part of an actual winner, ever. Nothing could beat that moment in which we won the conference. The only sad part is that I don't have any pictures to remember it by. But if we win (I'd love to say when we win, but I'm to hurt and crushed to say so) but if we win, believe me, there will be plenty of shots of me, my friends, the dawg pound and the dawgs themselves.
Until then, it's time to drink this loss under the table. I'm still shocked, it's not been posted anywhere. Not on ESPN, not on the Saluki website, nowhere except on away messages and on the faces of the stunned Saluki Nation.

Good night from a sad little town called Carbondale.

Tuesday Reviewed In Snippets

There's things on my mind, but I'm too tired and the idea of a potential fire drill at either 4 am or 6 am and in either case I'm not a fan. I won't miss that when I'm living off campus. I should be doing homework or reading but I'm not because I'm tired so yeah, I don't know what to do. I'll be going to bed soon, so let's review the days events

• Went to my one class today, and as expected as soon as I walked into class I had a quiz. I might have gotten one or two wrong, but it was a 5 question pop quiz, but i think i only got one wrong. class was sleepy, like, i didn't sleep but I really really wanted to!
• Went to the rec for the first time this semester and played basketball. It felt good, but two things were missing. Let's see, my team was on the losing end of both games which absolutely KILLED me. And I was missing my trademark black shoes for basketball. It's just something I've done my whole life, I play basketball with black shoes. I think I was inspired by the Bulls who ONLY wore black shoes during the playoffs. Ahh, the good old days. Well, I wore my maroon/khaki colored shoes and yeah my feet were killing me at the end of the day because of the thin soles. What pissed me off was that as teams my teams played poorly, sloppily and bad. I'm not excused from it, but I played the most under control. Let's put it this way, one of the guys who was on my team played crappy with us but when he was on the other team, he tore it up. Killed me, lucky shots KILL ME! And when I was motivated, it was too late. I gotta learn to get that damn killer instinct earlier and take over games like I did senior year in that one game. I'll step it up tomorrow. I will be out there tomorrow, believe that. 'Til then, I'm hoping to get some new shoes sometime in the near future.

That's all that's important. Good night from the 'dale!

I had to post this randomly

Random Question: Does anyone want to save me from being single and miserable? It's just a question.

Meaningless Monday Thoughts

Yay! Monday's over and there's no one happier about it than me. I seriously did NOT want to be in any of my classes today. During my first class, I seriously wanted to walk out of class and go to my next class. My second class wasn't that bad, but it was a Monday and I was feeling more lethargic than usual. Third class, I didn't want to be there at all. I thought about not even not going to class. But once I was there, I just sat and counted down the time until I left. Didn't wanna be there at all! It was really a suckfest kind of a day. Well when I got back, I listened to Boers and Bernsie for two minutes, it's Super Bowl week, so they'll have guests, but it won't be anything special, not til Thursday probably. So back to my day. My roommie and I watched American Pie Band Camp which is the 4th installment of the American Pie series. It's over the top, extreme, really out there, basically it's soft core porn. It wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. Though I have developed a crush on the star of the movie, her name is Arielle Kebbel, you might know her from Mean Girls. But yeah she's gorgeous, I had a crush on her since Mean Girls but yeah, she's OH! so beautiful. To kill the ending, Stiffler's bitch of a little brother gets with her in the end, what a dueschbag. I can't believe she fell for him in the end. It was really predictable, but hey, what else can you ask for. After 'Band Camp' we watched Fever Pitch again. I love that movie, everyone tells me that they see me all over that movie. I think the part that gets me the most is when Drew Berrymore's character is going on about how Jimmy Fallon's character picks going to the Sox/Rangers game when they're 2 1/2 games out of first over going to France and she says "You don't see us tangled up in the sheets with the Eiffel Tower in the background. You see the Rangers are coming in to town and Pedro's pitching Friday." And Fallon's response is "Pedro's pitching Saturday, Schilling's Friday." I chuckled and was like "Yep that's me." I can see it now "Lu, you don't see us getting it on in Hawaii, instead you see the Rockies coming in and Prior's pitching." And my response "No, it's Wood, then Prior, then Zambrano, then depending on how things turn out, we might throw out Maddux or Jerome Williams, who knows, we'll see how the weekend turns out." Yep, that explains A LOT about why I'm single and things of that nature.
SO I'M CONFUSED AGAIN
I don't know what else to say, except my love life (or lack there of) has taken a turn for strange. I had a good late night conversation with a friend last night and we're both convinced that we should give up on the opposite sex. I've come to the conclusion that it is in fact harder to find a good guy compared to a good girl. The only reason I say that is that with a guy, I'd say 9 out of 10 guys there's a hidden agenda when it comes to girls and that agenda of course is sex. No matter what a guy says, there's always some sort of sexual overtone or undertone, who knows anymore. I'm not saying that girls are getting off completely scot-free here because I know PLENTY of girls that play games and have the same agenda that guys do. But there are a significantly less amount of those girls. So why do we put ourselves (well those of us who are out there searching for someone and those who are struggling in relationships) out there in an uncomfortable situation where we can be easily let down. I dunno, I hear where my friend is coming from, they're the kind of person that wants a serious relationship, but that person and their mate are from two totally different backgrounds and things kinda get lost in translation. Whatever. But they (I think) want two totally different things out of relationships, which could cause for trouble, but things seem to be working out fine for now. I hope they work out well, I hate to see failed relationships......So then we later talked about prospects and how some people are always looking for something better even when they are in relationships. I hate that, and I usually see it in guys, and it PISSES ME OFF!!!! I'm sorry, I gotta play the role of the angry single guy and ask why are you looking for something else when you already got a good thing. Sounds like someone is taking a defeatist attitude to that relationship. I guarantee you one thing, when I get that first girlfriend she'll be the only thing I want, she'll be the focus of my attention, not no one better, just her, and that's the way it should be. Check that, that's the way things were back in the day. I'm convinced, I already know that I have an 'old soul' but I'm convinced that I'm a few generations late for my time. Like, a few generations ago, I would have been the prototype (put all racial things to the side) guy that any girl would have wanted to take home to momma and poppa. Instead, girls are taking 'em straight past momma and poppa and they're taking 'em to their bedroom to get down. I guess that's just how things are today, though I wish it wasn't like that. Well back to prospects because that's one of my main concerns. I see that A) lots of girls don't have interest in me beyond friendship so it just ends there B) I didn't have relationships in high school so it's not like I'm gonna marry a high school sweet heart because I didn't have one C) College hasn't been as successful as advertised D) These days, if it's not a high school sweetheart or a college hook up it's gonna be someone in the work place and that is no guarantee for a journalism/english major. All I know is that if things are the way they seem, I'm screwed. I guess I'll have to try internet dating or something, though I don't believe in it, I'd like to get married before certain people in my life pass away, heck I'd like a girlfriend before that. Here we go, let me issue a challenge to the CHICAGO CUBS! It's a bit of a contest so to say. What will happen first? The Cubs winning the NL Pennant? The Cubs winning the World Series? Me getting a girlfriend? Me getting laid? or Me getting married. Now that's a bet that could totally shake up Vegas. I don't even know who I'd put money on. Between me and the Cubs, there's been more choking than a Rick James party. I just don't know sometimes. I think I should just marry Wrigley Field. Relationships come and go, but the Cubs will always be there.
SO I DON'T KNOW WHAT I WANT ANYMORE...again. I know, people who actually read this are saying "again, what happened now lu?" Well, I was talking with a friend and we were talking about dating and things and we were talking about how now, it's about the chase, the thrills of dating without settling down. Well, I haven't been able to enjoy that because well, shit, if you don't know by now, I don't wanna have to go through everything, but yeah, me + women = 0 meaning SHIT DON'T HAPPEN! Then the marriage word came up and we talked about how that comes later and how when people are looking for a match up now, they're not looking for someone they're gonna marry because I guess girls don't want that until later. Then I took a long look at myself, and decided I can go a few days without shaving. But then I took a deep look inside things and thought about myself. What vibes do I put out there? How do I carry myself? Things of that nature. So I'm thinking that maybe I don't have girlfriends because I'm the kind of guy that girls would marry instead of date and fool around with. As I've said, I am the kind of guy a girl could take back to the parents, so maybe that makes sense. So maybe I should change, maybe I should put myself out there more and maybe change my image. But I really don't want to componsate my morals, my ideals, my beliefs and my personality to fit in. I've never been about that, if I was, I woulda ditched the Cubs and Bears and the Bulls after their championship run was over. So, I look at the girls that I like and have liked. Maybe I'm sub-consciously looking for a marriage partner (note I almost wrote problem, is that sign of things to come?) or am I looking for someone to fool around with. I'll put this out there, I generally don't look for someone to fool around with. In fact, I'm on the record saying that I would love a relationship not based on sex because of my lack of experience. I'd really like a relationship based of intellectual and emotional connections. But maybe that sounds a lot like marriage to some people. To me, I see a girlfriend not as a sex object unlike most guys, instead I see a connection with someone of the opposite sex that could lead into something long term that may lead to sex, but that's down the line. Maybe that's my problem. I don't know, seems like I have issues. But what else is new, right?

Good night from Carbondale folks. I got one class and I'm going to hoop it up at the rec tomorrow. Should be fun!

Sunday's Sizzling Thoughts

Happy Sunday! You know, I don't know why I just wrote that. Sunday's aren't generally happy because the weekend comes to an end and the school week comes to a start and wow, Friday looks so far away. I've been making it through the weeks by taking it one day at a time. I guess it's worked out good because I've been a little more relaxed (well at least when it comes to school work) and I am seemingly more focused. So yeah, today was relevantly uneventful. Though we did see a friend of ours commit a self indictment of being a whore on at least six occasions. I kinda feel bad, but I kinda don't. Women are the root of evil, and they know that.

So since nothing really happened today I guess I can begin revealing my plan for Valentine's in a segment I call "Upon Further Review." So, a while ago I had posted that I wasn't going to revert to old habits and get completely wasted on Valentine's Day. My original plans included cooking myself dinner and desert and enjoying a day that I generally don't. Well folks, "Upon Further Review" I have decided to overturn my decision and go with getting completely wasted. I've already had it up to hear *motions to throat* with Valentine's Day and what I'm gonna do for her or what i'm gonna do for him or what he's gonna do for me...I'M FUCKING DONE! So this is the idea, more or less the plan. I will cook my food on Tuesday night, it will be Creamy Garlic Shells with chicken and I will make the cheesecake. However, I won't eat it until Tuesday. I have one class on Tuesday and it's politics and I have to go because we have daily quizzes. I'll get up at 9:30, shower at 9:40 and eat breakfast at 10:00. At 11 I will have a drink every half hour. That will leave me with 4 drinks before class which will leave me buzzed. I'll come back from class at 2, turn on Boers and Bernstein because that's what I enjoy more than anything and I will drink continuously until I'm DRUNK! Fuck company, fuck visitors, fuck phone calls and other things. I'll be getting wasted because it's the right thing to do!

RANDOM THOUGHT: As Valentine's Day inches closer each day (by the way 15 days left.) I can't help but think about last years Valentine's Day fiasco. I don't have that problem because every girl I have any feeling for is already in a relationship and drunken confessions of love could only lead to drama and bad things. But I think about last year and I will always say that I will never regret what I said, but I do regret in the way I did it. I let my insecurities get the best of me and that led to a very awkward friendship for the rest of the year and I can't help but wonder what would have happened had I taken a sober and more serious approach to it. I'm not saying we'd be together now (though optimism and wishful thinking has me thinking so) but I just would like to think in a case that if I was sober, she might have taken me seriously. I really liked her, I really did. She was a pure soul, a great person and a real good friend, and generally a good influence. She got me into some new music like Jason Mraz and Jack Johnson. In fact, I listen to Jack Johnson when I go to sleep and it helps me relax and it helps me sleep. In the end, she's someone that will hold a special place in my heart, just because of what happened in the past.

Good night from Carbondale folks. I hope you all have pleasant days ahead of you!

POST NOTICE: I had to add this because yeah, I totally forgot to do it earlier, but it's something worth adding. So I'm channel surfing and I see a big rig driver and his breaking down machine. It caught my eye cuz my dad used to drive those and I'm like wow, that looks really crappy. Well turns out that CMT (Country Music Television) has a NEW ORIGINAL series called Trick My Truck in which a big rig is totally tricked out. Sounds like PIMP MY RIDE TO ME! Something MTV put out their for the urban community. But it's not the first time country folks have taken an urban idea. The origins of "badunkadunk" or "badonkadonk" lie in the urban community. See Chappelle's Show, Twista's song "Badunkadunk" and other urban things. Country folk Trace Adkins takes it and makes a song called "Honky Tonk Badonkadonk" and yeah and now country people are gonna try claiming it as theirs. Well let me refrence the Ludacris line "the new phenomenon like white women with ass." Yeah that's right, originality folks, where is it? I thought you country folks couldn't stand rap, yet you're taking ideas from the hip-hop generation and making them your own. Take it as you may but you're just fueling the fires of hip-hop nation. A nation I am proudly a part of.
POST NOTICE 2: Wow, the ideas continue to roll in as I leave. Well, my roommate and I watched 'Fever Pitch' and yeah, that movie reminds me a lot of myself. However so does '40 year old virgin.' So we came to thinking that if we combined 'Virgin' & 'Fever Pitch' you'd have the movie about me. I'll be throwing around ideas for plot and things like that. I'll probably drop some ideas tomorrow.

Wow, I Did This Post So Fast I Didn't Even Need A Title

So I got really bored a few minutes ago, did some web surfing and now I'm back here. I drew the inspiration from this blog from other blogs to write make the following statements:

• Why do I continue to write this? It's not like anyone reads this. And if they do read this they don't leave messages or anything. I don't know, but I DO know that I enjoy writing, even if no one reads it because I hold out the hope that eventually, overtime someone will read this. Maybe they'll learn something. Maybe they might have a laugh. Maybe I will look back on these things that I write and laugh at what I was. I wonder if anyone really cares. And I'm not just talking about out there in the vast world of the internet, but I'm talking about my friends. I know my family cares, and I know they want the best of me, but my friends. I don't know, but I DO know that I've ALWAYS been a person filled with many doubts
• So I pulled this thought from a friends blog. It was basically about heartbreak and how it always seems that you can be interested in people but there is NEVER any mutual interest. And then you take a look around and all of your friends seem to have something that you don't have. That especially hits me close to home because everytime I want a girl one of my friends scoops her up and/or scares me away from her. That's why I have no trust in people. Ahh, people what would I do without you? I wish that I could have just put that behind me and move forward and made my own moves instead of putting others interests in front of my own. It seems to me that my friends (when it comes to girls) treat me like a damn second class citizen. It's like they always try hooking me up either with nothing at all or a complete lost cause. I guess I can't blame them for not wanting to hook me up with something better than what they have. But shit, I put myself on the line for them. I digress, because I can go into a major tirade on what I'm feeling right now, but I'd rather not. I guess what I took out of this blog is that it sucks being single, especially when your friends aren't (or they have the experience you don't)!
• Maybe my problem is that my standards are too high, my friends have told me that before. My response to that has always been "Why shouldn't my standards be high?" I'm a good guy with a good personality that is what every girl claims that she wants. I'm truthfull, intelligent, caring and honest. I've proven that I'd do amazing things for girls that weren't even my girlfriend, I've always thought that maybe they'd think "wow, he does a lot for me, imagine how much better he'd treat me if i was his girlfriend." Or maybe girls think that is the peak of what they can get out of me and just settle for being friends. I've ALWAYS been the shoulder to cry on. I've ALWAYS been the guy that listens to the things that boyfriends generally roll their eyes upon hearing and turn their minds to figuring out how they're gonna get in her pants this time. I've ALWAYS been the guy who she tells her secrets to. Well I'm sick of ALWAYS being that guy. I'll put this out there: I won't be the guy who will make her cry, I'm not a heartbreaker by any stretch of the imagination. If a girl wants to talk, I'll listen and when the time is right, I'll respond with an answer that isn't about her boobs or some sleazeball line trying to get into her pants. I want to be the guy she tells all of her girlfriends about. Instead, it's back to reality where I will always be the guy that I mentioned above. I'll always be the third party, nothing major, I guess I'm just gonna have to deal with it.
• What annoys me in the sports world: DUKE OF COURSE! I guess I can be the hypocrite who is a Yankee supporter but not a Duke fan. I've always said that Duke is the spawn of the Yankee empire. They both stand for the same things. The only good thing that they stand for is winning. The rest is simple. Both are monopolistic empires that you either love them or love to hate them. There's a difference between Duke and New York. Yankee fans are passionate people who want a winner and think they deserve a winner because it's the way the Yankees do. Duke people are a bunch of ass kissers that think they deserve a championship because they are the greatest thing to touch earth ever! Not since anything, ever. The Duke faithful is a group of stuck up rich snobs who got everything as children and will continue to get everything as the years go on. That's why I always found it fun rooting for the underdog like North Carolina or the Red Sox. Granted, my love for Carolina begins with the G.O.A.T. (aka Michael Jordan) and all my other favorites like Vince Carter, Jerry Stackhouse, Rasheed Wallace, and then this generations group of studs like Felton, May, Marvin, and the future like Bobby Frasor and Tyler Hansborough. Me and the Red Sox go back because my godfather played for the Red Sox. And Red Sox Nation has always been a distant cousin to Cubdom. A storied franchise marred in curses and bullshit that deprived the team of a winner. Passionate fans with a historical realization that their favorite team plays in one of the three baseball shrines. I always liked what the Yanks were about, which was winning at all costs. It was a respect thing more than anything. Actually, more than that was that I wish Steinbrenner owned my team. I guess I lost course with this blog, but to summarize: I HATE DUKE for the same reasons that everyone hates the Yankees, but what makes Duke different from the Yanks is that Duke basketball is amatures, they're college kids. College kids aren't supposed to be despised, I'm a college kid. Dook sucks!
• I end this blog with these thoughts. Me and my old roommate didn't get along much while we were here at SIU together but we did have the same idiology and that was 'I deserve better.' We differed in the reasoning behind it. He believed that he was owed things. I believe that I deserve better because I've worked on things to hard to not get things.

Good night!

One Step Forward and a Country Two-Step Back

I've always wondered, how do you get a job as a headline writer cuz damn, I probably could be a good one. Well compared to last night, tonight kinda bit the big one. Once again the events that occurred didn't match the hype behind it. In fact, I have vowed to never go to Fred's Country Dance Barn again. Granted, that could change with the right situation and a girl with a certain accent asking me to go, but I really didn't enjoy myself this time. I guess I might have to attribute it to not being intoxicated. They also didn't play any songs that I liked. That's a big thing with me and music that isn't hip-hop or R&B. I'll listen to all sorts of music, check my I-Pod, I have a vast array of music, but if it's not a band I like or a song or even a style I like, I probably won't enjoy myself. That totally sucked cuz everyone else seemed to be having a good time. I dunno, maybe it was the people I was with or why we were there. I dunno, my mind is at odds and doesn't quite know what's going on. All I know is that even though my roommate doesn't necessarily want to be there, he's got one thing to do and that's make his girlfriend happy. Believe me if I went there with my girlfriend, no matter how much I didn't like it, I'd do whatever was in my power to make her happy. Whether it was singing, dancing, i don't know, but i'd make her happy under any circumstance. I dunno, I seem to be saying that a lot, but I just sometimes feel that everytime I look around I am reminded of my failures in life and why I'm stuck in the situation I am in now which is single and unhappy. There was a cheap shot taken tonight, it was quite hurtful (funny) but yeah once again not when its at your expense. It was something to the extent of "he faked it like your first girlfriend will." That's low, funny, but it hit a spot, especially after the last few weeks and what's coming up in 16 days. I wish I had answers to what plagued me.
And to think, had tonight not happened, I'd be flying high off of Friday nights events. Due to some name dropping I got to a house party for free, drank for free, and ended up staying with two girls in another building over night. No, nothing major happened. In fact, nothing minor happened either. I just had a real good time, and I think that's all that really matters. I hadn't had fun in a while, and I guess my friends were worried about me. They worry because I spend a lot of time at my computer, I've been unhappy and snippy and obvioulsy I haven't been acting like I would normally. Definetly changed last night, and I had a bit of a momentum swing, but yeah, tonight seemingly was a buzz kill.
As the calender turns the page to February, the only thing that means is that Valentine's Day is approaching, and personally I know that's not a good thing. My prediction is that Valentine's Day will be sunny, but bitterly cold. It'll be one of those days where you look out side and you think to yourself "It looks warm outside" because of the brightness of the sun and what not. And then you actually open a window and you go BRRR!!!! because it's friggin cold that damn teasing sun. I'll have my one class and on several occasions I will be reminded that it's Valentine's Day. I don't know which ones specifically but I have ideas. I see a phone call in the future. I also see red and pink t-shirts. I see flowers and candies for everyone. I see pure smiles. I'll probably wear black. That was one of my things in high school. If a day got me down, it was a black day, but I don't have black jeans. Well I'll throw on my black sweats and a black shirt with my white shoes...damn i miss having black shoes.

Well that's it for now because I'm tired and guests are coming. this should be quite a night. if not oh well. Let's see what monday has in store.