Saturday, April 16, 2005
You know you're a lonely, single college virgin when you're watching Real Sex on HBO on a Friday night and you see a sex doll and say "Damn, that doll is getting more play than I am." That's honestly a funny thought if you think about it. Honestly, after I thought it I bursted out with laughter, it was that funny (at the time of course.) Yeah, so let's sum up my day: English class was boring, my TA for history class quit so no class, that girl I walked home that one time that was in my class, yeah she doesn't have any clue who I am, creative writing class was only 20 minutes long today, I want to buy some shirts at Kohls, Wal-Mart isn't as fun at 6:30 compared to Wal-Mart at midnight, Bulls win, Cubs lose. That's tonight. I'm feeling a little bit better about myself. After a bit of a fighting period, I did fall asleep last night w/o my roomie. It's weird, ya get used to something and ya take it for granted when it's gone...but i had the most comforting sleep I've had since he's been here. I miss him though, that's my boy. TheFacebook has really lost its touch. Yes, it is still as addictive as crack, but it bores me now. Who wants to look through the hundreds that graduated your highschool for friends or the thousands of groups that facebook has to offer. My next use for facebook is as a dating service, but that's only when I"m able to put myself back together and put myself in a good situation to do so. C'mon, a guy like me should be able to get a good quality female without resorting to using the internet as a dating service. Granted, there are a buncha certified hotties on Facebook, I just gotta make that move that I'm not quite ready to make yet. Hey, there's still and opening for Pope and I fit the requirements. I'm Catholic, I'm male and I'm a virgin, hell I haven't even kissed a girl yet! lol kidding people Um, wow, hard to follow that up. I wonder if I didn't go after every female I liked when I was intoxicated to the point of no self respect adn a definite loss of dignity, I wonder if they'd take me seriously. One day I'll learn. I was speaking about facebook a minute ago, I've come up with some potential groups that should honestly be created such as...I need a girl which would basically put myself up for auction for anything that came my way. Sounds desperate but honestly, I'm bored and it seems i've tried everything else. How about: I love hot country girls (which I do. It's a lil fettish of mine now. A nice lil country accent, a lil twang in the voice, and that sweet southern belle, ooh the thought of one makes me smile. I really like it cuz its a change of pace from city gals. Don't get me wrong I love them city girls, but I've always (since ive been down here) wanted a lil taste of what the country has got to offer.) Another idea that popped in my head was "I'm Single Because Girls At Southern Are Too Damn Picky and Cannot Distinguish The Fact That I'm A Good Guy, Instead Going for Assholes That Treat Them Like Shit and in the End I Get to Hear Their Sob Story." Okay, that's a lil' long so to make it shorter "Underrated and Overlooked: Guys Who Are Friends That Want but are Currently W/o Benefits" something to that nature. But hey, being nice guy isn't all that bad. Hey you make a lot of friends that way, female friends, HOT FEMALE FRIENDS. And hot girls generally hang out with other hot girls and will throw in the good word "Hey, Lou's a really nice guy" and that's how it jumps off. To The Haters: I know people been reading this site recently and thhink that I'm some type of suicidal, depressed clown that's crying for help because I haven't had my way with girls this year. Let me set the record straight for you all right here and right now. Do I have a depressive side, yes, WE ALL DO. Sometimes it gets shown and instead of keeping it inside I let it out in a forum in which no one is hurt by it, this blog. Instead of taking out my aggression on others or in an extreme case myself, I do the blog instead. Next, you think that I'm depressed and suicidal and overall insane because of women. Not entirely true. So let me tell the whole story. I've gone through a very stressful freshman year of college. I had a lotta problems with my roommate first semester, it put me through hell and back, but I survived. First semester college was probably for me one of the most stressful time periods in my life. My sister is going through a divorce. Once again, no one's business but mine and my family's but since people wanna talk shit, I'ma tell you why I'm going nuts. I care about my sister a lot and nothing hurts me more than when she is sad. I always wanna see her happy, no matter what. Do I worry about her sometimes, yes, because she's family, I worry about all my family and love 'em all to death, that's why we're so tight. Next, tensions between my birth parents. Once again, shouldn't air out the dirty laundry, but hey, so I can get it through the thick skulls of the insensitive idiots out there. My dad has said some things to my mom that you don't say to a woman EVER! Then he's decided not to answer certain sons phone calls, and decided not to pay certain bills that court documents say that he's supposed to. So that's got me stressed cuz my dad stresses out my mom, and my mom has health problems when it comes to stress. So, lemme move on to spring break where my mother had another seizure in front of my eyes. Probably the thing that s hit me the hardest all semester because it was the memory I left on when I left back to SIU after spring break. Worrying about what woulda happened had your stepdad not been there and me being in college, that scares the hell out of me. What if my mom was driving, or at an el-train stop, or on the street or anywhere. I fear for my mom, because I love her more than anything and I do a lot of stupid things and she puts up with my shit cuz she's my mom and she knows that in the end the way she raises me I'll be a better man than a lot of guys my age who are growing up. Um...yeah, oh and my uncle died, and we were pretty close. It came outta nowhere, so it kinda hit me hard. I didn't even get to say goodbye. That sucks. Our last conversation happened at my going away to college party when we were playing pool The gist of the conversation was basically how much fun I was gonna have in college and all the stories I'd share to him and my dad. Ray, you'll still hear the stories, cuz you'll always be wit me at heart. So yeah, that's the major shit thats happened to me this year, well at least since September. The mental breakdowns, they happen because of small things that hit the wrong chord in my brain and basically it's an overflow of the aformentioned stress I've gone through this year. It's like the idea of the straw that broke the camel's back. So the girl problems, whatever happened on Valentine's Day, that's nothing. The whole Calla situation, no situation now, we're friends, and I wouldn't have it any other way! The girls at home, do I catch shit for knowing a lot of good lookin girls at home that just wanna be my friends, yes I do, but you know it's better than being a loner in a basement looking at internet or better yet scrambled porn somewhere with a buncha dropouts, lazy bums and losers. And the girls I've chased and haven't given me the time of day, oh well, they don't want me as a boyfriend, that's their loss and they'll have to live with the fact that they passed on a really good guy. And this isn't written for girls to see this and feel a guilt trip or anything. But you know what hey that's how life is. How many stories have you heard about guys being overlooked and in the end, their life is better after it. I'm gonna be another one of those. Damn, after venting here, I don't have much more to say except one final quote. I'd like to quote a former gym teacher of mine in high school and the quote still applies to me til this day: "I'm too blessed to be stressed." And on that note, I'm out! P.S. Now what do you have to say for yourself? P.P.S. Don't talk about someone's situation unless you know the whole story, because you end up looking like an idiot in the end! P.P.P.S. I just wanna thank all of my friends and family that have helped me through this year including, yet not limited to: Mom, Roy, Jenny, Doc, Tony, Jameel, Kristin, Steve, Donall, Marcus and most importantly my roomie Hoos, for without him, I probably woulda drank myself into a true depression after Valentine's Day! I love him for that! He's my n*gga, and i never say that word but we're that close where i can say that...I'll holla at a playa when you see him in the street. To everyone that I didn't directly mention, I still love you and you still have helped me, but these people have helped me the most! Good night from Carbondale. The current time is 1:07 AM CDT.
Posted by The Ludameister at 12:29 AM
Wednesday, April 13, 2005
Due to recent developments and occurences in my life, I have now realized I have a problem. In fact, I have several problems. I have a problem controlling my rage. I also have problems with controlling my emotions. I also have problems handling stress. I also have problems with my own self. I have confidence issues as well to top all that. I also have a problem with letting go of the past. I guess I should address all of these issues now. If you know me, I have a lot of rage, and most of it is rage that builds over time. And somethimes when the wrong thing gets said at the wrong time, I flip out. I loser my mind. I become very aggressive in these situations. When it comes to controlling my emotions it's tough because I wear my emotions on my sleeve. I have a lot of emotions that are always going through my mind and it is very difficult to control them all at once. Problem here is when one emotion stands out, thats another situation in which my mind becomes imbalanced and I guess you can say I lose my mind. Handling stress is something I have been doing for years, but this year it has been uncontrollable at times. I dealt with it all semester, maybe that's the problem. Maybe a lot of my stress this semester is stress built from first semester and it's just all leaving me now because I am at a point where I can handle no more stress. Whethere it's school, home, social life, college, or life in general, all of the stress in my life has hit me all at one time at that is one reason I am going through the problems I am currently facing. When it comes to the past it's hard to let something go when it follows you. Life's problems have followed me from Chicago to Carbondale, I'm convinced. Now I do believe in curses, jinxes, hexes and things of that nature. How do I break whatever-the-hell I have that's plaguing me, I have no clue, but I'll figure it out when it happens. I'm convinced my past failures go along with the problems I am currently having. I wish I could just put it in the past, bury it, blow it up, serve it in spaghetti sauce...something as long as it doesn't bother me ever again. Confidence issues, they are self explanitory. The single life is good, but it takes its toll sometimes. Sometimes it's great, sometimes it just hurts when you see everyone but yourself happy. And that's what really gets to me is that inevitable question: "Why can't I be happy?" And I see everyone but me being happy with someone else. In some situations it I feel like when you see someone cheating and winning while you're playing by the rules and struggling around .500. It's a sports metaphore, sports fans get it. When it comes to women, absolutely nothing has gone right this year, and sure, women aren't everything, but in college it is. And even here it isn't but so much is made out of it, it sickedns me and causes me once again to have a meltdown. All of this combined has led to several "mental breakdowns" in the past few weeks. It started a month ago and since then I have gotten worse and worse. Last night was probably the worst because I don't rememeber what happened. I started playing around, goofing off with my roommate, then something happened in which something hit one of those depressive chords in my head and I went off. Then I ultimately calmed down and went to bed crying myself to sleep. I don't know what else happened, I'll be filled in later. My roommie wants me to get counseling or something like a shrink, but those things cost money. And if my parents ever knew what was going on down here with me, they'd probably be really scared and possibly would pull me outta school. Cuz i was never like this before. Well, thanks for hearing me out. If you can help me in anyway, it would be highly appreciated. Thank you.
Posted by The Ludameister at 11:25 PM
Monday, April 11, 2005
I'm glad that everyone but me had a great weekend. I started the weekend by watching LaTroy Hawkins blow the save in the only game the Cubs lost this weekend. Friday night, I played some basketball and ate Chinese food, but did nothing really to write home about. Saturday I spent all day moving my recently deceased uncle's stuff, yeah, i know that manual labor sucks, but that's family, ya gotta do it for them. Saturday night I was supposed to chill wit some girl, I fell asleep, she fell asleep & I was supposed to go back to my cous' house where he was drinkin and BBQing but once again--SLEPT THROUGH IT! Worked all day Sunday and almost missed my train. Didn't even get to enjoy a home cooked meal--just through food down my throat. Meanwhile in Carbondale, it was the last weekend for Cherry pit ever and i couldn't even be there for it. My roommie had an awesome weekend w/o me cuz he had the whole room to himself and now he's got a girl. And me, I'm stressed, pissed and tired because this weekend ultimately bit the big one. Never again do I do something like that ever again (well, at least not til next opening day or if by some miracle they make the playoffs)
Posted by The Ludameister at 4:49 PM