Saturday, April 01, 2006

Well Folks....'s too late to think about what I have gotten myself into. It's almost time to face reality. In my mind sometimes I feel like I'm in a do-or-die situation. However the rational part of my mind says that this has no implications on my future with women. We'll see how tonight goes. My plan before the dance, quite simple to be precise. Listen to some music, then I'll watch The Kings of Comedy, shower, get dressed and then hit the road. I thought about watching Hitch to see the things I should do or American Pie to see the things I shouldn't do. However I'm taking a different approach. Get me relaxed to the point where the dance is an after thought. I figured I'd entertain myself by watching Kings of Comedy ASAP! Wish me luck!

Friday, March 31, 2006

The Highs and Lows of Being Lu

Today started off as eh, morning, damn I have a test, bleh. Turned out to be a beautiful day in Carbondale, around 70-75 degrees, bright sunshine, it was quite a sight to see. I actually took a nice little walk to the bank today, might as well because I had a check to cash, I needed cash for tomorrow night and the weather was nice so I might as well enjoy it.
So for the majority of the daylight hours I was on an emotional high. Walking, enjoying the weather and stuff like that. Went to Wal-Mart to get my date for tomorrow some flowers and I picked up some other things that I needed. As I walked back people saw me with the flowers and all I heard was oohs and aahs. I was flattered, in fact for a moment there I got a bit of my swagger back. I heard girls saying "Oh ain't that so sweet" and "I wish my man would do that for me." The girl at the front desk was like "well ain't that sweet" and the guy at the front desk asked me if I was in my girl's dog house. I responded "Nope, this is just a random act of kindess." He was like "that's how you do it." I struck up conversation with a guy on the elevator who was givin me the thumbs up on my actions. "That's how you do it, you catch em when they don't expect it and they'll love it even more." It's funny, I'd love to do that for a girlfriend, just randomly suprise her with some flowers, even if I have to pick them myself, just as a sign of appreciation to the girl. It's too bad I haven't found that girl with.
Seemingly, the lows come when night falls. Truth of the matter when I was in conversation with those people and when I heard peeps talkin I knew and only I knew that the truth of th matter was that I didn't have a girl. And really their response would probably be why not? Why not? Well I'll tell you why not. THere are several "why not?" reasons. First of all I become friends with girls and that's all they'll want to be. They won't want to further things because I'm "just Lu" and I'm too good of a friend. In other cases, girls can't find a good guy if he came up and bit her in the ass. I'm honestly convinced that girls go out and pick the most hopeless duds out there in an attempt to overhaul him, make him over, and change him. Woman, you're talking about a relationship, a guy for a relationship, not a major league ball club. Instead of guys like me, they pick the jerks that they can't change and then they come back to guys like me crying. I'm so sick of it, it really bothers me that I'm almost 20 and still single and never had a relationship. That's why tomorrow night is so big! It seriously holds my destination for when it comes to girls. Things go good, my confidence is back. Even if it's not with her, I can go after other girls with the confidence that I'll be carrying around with me. Granted she'll fall into the category of "just another rejection, just another friend," but if it boosts my self-esteem then good for me, right? However if things go bad not only does she fall into the rejection/friend category, I have nothing else after that. I'm really all out of options. Wow, 19 and all out of options. Will I get my mom grandchildren? Hell will I ever bring that first girlfriend home? Probably not at the rate I'm going.
You know, I'm envious of my friends. All of them have either had experience or are currently in relationships. Theoretically, one day I'll get a girl and I'll be the one people envy. But realistically, who would envy the 19 year old virgin? All my other friends are in relationships. I feel left behind. All I have is a great personality goin for me.

So Sick of Single

*Yawn* Another day, another night, another sleep period alone. I really could use someone to cuddle with. I'll be honest I've been quite sexually frustrated this week for some odd reason that is really inexplicable. Heck I was even to the point where I actually said "I don't care anymore, I just want to get it over with." Which is quite shocking, coming from me, the advocate of actually waiting for sex. Not necessarily for marriage but at least until it's with someone you care about (i.e. girlfriend.) So if you know me, that statement above must be quite shocking. I've said since the day it was an issue with people that I'd prefer to "lose it" to someone I was in a relationship. Since then, well in fact since ever, I haven't been in a relationship. So technically, no chance for me to give it up. I fear that as the years go on that I'll be the last one remaining in my age group of my friends and the 1st girl I do it with I'll disappoint her and she'll dump me on the spot because I wasn't satisfactory. That's one of my fears. Really all I want, and all I ever wanted, was to be loved. It's weird when peeps say "Oh your time will come" or "it will happen" or "just wait..." or my personal favorite "when that girl comes around she'll be at your beckon call." My response: oh really, so where is this random, nearly perfect girl? Sure, I'm supposed to look for her, but from what my peeps seem to be telling me is that one day she'll just fall in my lap, which I must say would be totally awesome!

All these thoughts come only nights before the dance Saturday. I'm still looking forward to it.
Really I see this dance in several different lights. I see this as a date, a dinner/dance date at that, similar to like if I took a girl out for a nice dinner and a night dancing. I also see this date as a showcase of myself. I'm showcasing how good I can actually look when I dress to the occasion instead of wearing jerseys, tees with my fave teams, or when I just throw clothes on not caring about how I look. Saturday night I will also be showcasing my "skills." By that I mean how I can treat a girl properly, the way she should be treated, showing her a good time. Basically showing off to not only my date and my peeps but to others that I actually am "boyfriend material." Like I've said before, I'm not looking to get lucky, I'm not looking for anything in particular. The only thing that is on my mind is having a good time, and ensuring my date enjoys herself. After that, anything that happens is a bonus. In the back of my mind I'm thinking about sex, but what college male on campus isn't. Me, I'm different though because of my past. My past as the best friend. My past as "Just Lu." My past that has involved outside pressures to buckle in to societal norms. My past that has included numerous choke jobs with girls that the Chicago Cubs and old Boston Red Sox teams would envy. I really wanted to put that in the past when I got to SIU, but because I roomed with such a close friend from high school, my past seemingly followed me, whether I liked it or not. So for all you youngsters out there, don't room with close friends if you want a new start at college, use me as an example.

In closing for tonights blog, I'm sick of being single. I'm tired of being alone. I'm sick and tired of being sick and tired. I'm tired of my attempts being shot down. I'm tired of my "love" or my "feelings" going un-returned. I just want things to change. As I've said before, this dance may be the be all, end all for me when it comes to relationships with girls. If not that, then it's the beginning of something big. I'm hoping for the second option.

Thursday, March 30, 2006

I suppose...

I suppose that since I haven't been in a completely depressed mood lately is the main reason I haven't blogged in a few days. Combine that with me being tired and not wanting to write long, late night blogs then I don't blog, simple as that. I'm looking forward to this weekend. I'm not looking forward to my test Friday in Geography which is a major test for me so I will be studying majorly tomorrow after I clean and shit. But back to the weekend I'm totally looking forward to it. Friday I might go out, no drinking of course, instead go out to be sociable. Saturday is the dance, and though I'm still a bit nervous I'm still hoping for the best. I'm hoping things work out, so does the rest of the floor. Don't get me wrong I'm going into this as "friends only" and just as a "friend date" but other people go out as friends and then as I like to say "boom goes the dynamite." So I'll take the Dusty Baker approach of "Why not us?" and apply it to myself. Why not Lu? Why not this weekend? I'm not looking to get laid or anything, I'm just looking to this weekend as the rebirth of my future relationships with girls. Actually knowing what I know about my date, there's no pressure to have sex at all. To some, this dance has been dismissed as just homecoming or prom for college students. Yes in principle, however there's no pressure here for me to get laid from my goofball friends so this could probably lead to more of a relaxed attitude an environment for me.
Beyond that, I'm all good. Since I've given up drinking I have felt absolutely completely better about myself. I honestly feel more healthy and I just feel more complete as a person. Yes I still believe that I need to be completely wasted to have fun in Carbondale, however if you're healthy and happy you don't need booze to make things weird.
I can't believe it's Wednesday night/Thursday morning. The dance is only days away!!!!! I'm so excited. Oh my!!!! Seriously, as of now, if I could solve my women problems and if Wood and Prior could solve their arm problems, I'd probably be the happiest I've ever been, well at least sine 2003 when Prior and Wood didn't have arm problems (well until games 6 and 7 of the NLCS.)
Good night from Carbondale. Looks like good times are in my future. But trust me I won't get my hopes up. I'll be cautiously optimistic.

Sunday, March 26, 2006

Friday & Saturday Reviewed

I'd like to make this quick cuz I wanna go to bed. Friday I went to one class at 12 and watched a movie, it was interesting and educational. Friday afternoon I played 3 good hours of basketball, got me some $80 kicks for only $30 so that ain't bad. Friday night I went to an art show with Alicia cuz I guess Hoos had no interest in going. That's where somehow I found my swagger, it was really like finding a happy spot. Alicia noted it as me finding my confidence. I really don't know what that's all about, never had that before.
I spent Saturday morning sleeping, I woke up sometime around 1 pm. I listened to a lot of music, downloaded Juvenile's CD but haven't listened to it, will do so later. Saturday afternoon I went to the rec with some peeps and shot some hoops by myself. I really couldn't by myself a shot when I was just shooting around. Trying just to take shots, get a rhythm you know just stuff to make me better. Though most of the time it didn't look good. However when I played a little 2-on-2 I was hot. Hitting outside shots, mid range shots, and then I was making shots in the post with post moves under the basket it was quite amazing. Tonight, a different story. I was supposed to go to hair bangers ball which is an 80s cover band and ended up not going. I gave up my wristband for one of alicia's friends so she can be happy, she's had a bit of a rough week. Look at me making everyone else happy. That was not supposed to be how things went down but thats how it did. So instead of going out I spent some time with Sarah and Lynn watched the end of Bridges of Madison County ordered a pizza then I started feeling sick I went back to my room. I ended up looking at some of my old blog posts. Boy oh boy, they almost brought me to tears. Really I kinda realized I'm kind of a loser. Seriously, I have issues. Most of them are derived from women. In reality, women have been the downfall of me. If not for my need for attention from women (which is derived from not getting that attention fromg girls in high school) I probably wouldn't have the issues I'm having now.
Funny/not funny thing of the day. I was talking to a friend of mine about the magic v-word. They said wow, well you should really hold on to that. My response was: Hold on to it, it's like it's a frickin Mickey Mantle rookie card or something. I'm really sexually frustrated now, it sucks. But yeah going over my old blogs, yeah they really depressed me. The ones that depressed me the most were the ones I talked about my online girlfriend that really never existed and the ones in which I talk about my first encounters with Alicia and reviewing the times I had a crush on her.
I just want a girl to love me, fuck it I just want a girl to like me.