Thursday, February 17, 2005

What a Horrible Day!

Wow, today has been my worst day in a long time. It's days like today in which I wasn't even down here. I'm actually motivated not to go to one of my history classes. I hate it, but its too late to drop. I absolutely hate the class. The lectures are boring, the sections are worthless and GOSH I HATE IT! If I pass the class, it'll be a miracle. My health class, because of a test, was full for the first time since the beginning of the year. Simply amazing, its one of two classes that I haven't missed. My 20th american history class and section are TOTALLY AWESOME and my health class which I only go because its all about eye candy. I've missed one of my poetry classes, but I love that class a lot too, its arguably my favorite class, and definetly the best class I've taken since ive been here. But yeah, back to my crappy day. I've only eaten a bowl of cereal and a breakfast crossaint and i'm truely hungry. I hate myself right now. Like, I'm in my mood where like I'm acting like a whiney little bitch where I hate everyone equally and I especially hate myself. I find all the negatives and all the bad in the world. Right now, I'm listening to my anger management mix. God, I wish I could be happy, just for a little bit right now. Like, can I win the lotto miraculously. Or, how about I don't know...ANYTHING. I need love. I need it bad, my parents can only love me so much. And my friends can only do so much. I need "special attention" YES I'M SEXUALLY FRUSTRATED! Very sexually frustrated, and as of right now, I'm working with nothing down here and I'm not blessed enough like some of my friends to have available girls when they go home. I don't, well I do, but not anything serious. That's what happens when you are the friend of the world, you get friend status, but nothing more, nothing less. We were actually talking about the other day about having your heart ripped out and shown to you. Well, yeah, I've been feeling that for a while, and I'm sick of that feeling. It's time to move on, but god damn, the past is haunting me like a god damned ghost. In situations like this I'd ask for a drink, but I really need to stop because of the dumb shit I do and say when I drink. Do I regret what happened Monday? No, not at all. But god, I wish I was in a sober state of mind in which I can explain myself. I wish I could go back in time and not be here. Day 2 of spring training's today. Go Cubs, world series or bust mother fuckers.
Tell Me Why...I can't buy a pair of headphones that EVER WORK!
Tell Me Why...I was wearing shorts and a t-shirt on tuesday and on wednesday I wore a sweat suit.
Tell Me Why...That the only people saying the Cubs will win the NL Pennant are me (which I say every year) and the Odds Makers in Vegas. Do they not realize there is still a curse that hangs over Wrigley Field???
Tell Me Why...I'm a failure.
You know, If it wasn't for my all of a sudden turn towards anger, I wouldn't be writing about this. Because today, in all honesty was the most boring day ever, but somehow turned for the worst, and it just turned out of nowhere. Golly, I hate when that happens!

Wednesday, February 16, 2005

New Poem

In honor of the start of Opening Day, here is part one of three poems I've written about my favorite team...THE CHICAGO CUBS! Enjoy and as always, interpret as you may.

The Loss of Innocence

It was a moment
Longer than 162 games.
A moment that was 17 years for me,
Nearly 6 decades for those around during the Second World War
And Almost one century in the making for those around during the progressive era.
It wasn’t only a dream for 39,577,
It was my dream too.
But that dream was abruptly ended,
Deferred by one of our own.
But it was just one game,
With one game left.
I thought we would win, hell
I knew we would win!
Just like in 1969 and 1984,
I was foolish,
But I didn’t know that.
I wish I knew now, what I didn’t know then.
27 outs later, I was exposed;
Left naked, stunned and now
Scarred for life.
Everyone was right, but not me.
Because I was wrong.
Lies, corruption,
Pain and anger.
And finally heartbreak.
Next year was off my hands,
And under my glove.
That was the loss of my innocence.

Before I Put Valentine's Day 2005 To Rest

I'd like to start off by saying, 19 years of being single takes a toll on you, but it could be worse, I could be a Cubs fan born in 1909. Well, I'd like to put some ideas out there, and ask myself the question: How bad did I fuck up? Had I put in some effort into going after her, could the outcome been different? Why did it take until I was completely crunked to ask her? Would she have taken me more serious? Cuz honestly, I don't take myself serious when I'm crunked. And finally, the only thing running through my mind right now, and until I get an answer, I won't forget, but what exactly did I say? I wanna know the slurred shit that came was processed from the mind of crunk, to the mouth of crunk, to the ears of the sober. I wanna know what went down, cuz its obvious, I don't even know what I said. Damn, I'm in sad shape. I'm not drinkin til the 26th. My guy is comin from the I-L-L-I-N-I and we're gonna go out after the game to either celebrate or to drink the pain of a loss away. Oh, and my guy's girlfriend is bringin down her friends to come down too. And her friends were fine as hell, so um, yeah, I'd like to get me a piece of that. But for now, I'd like to close the casket on another failed Valentine's Day. I'd like to firmly put away the failures, disappointments and the rejection that comes with this day. Please can I have a moment of silence...Thank you. As I lower the casket 8 feet (yes, 8, because I'm beating this fucker down and making sure that it doesn't come back to haunt me ever again) I leave you with this...why should someone's "love" be summarized in one day?

Valentine's Day Review Continued

Well, before I go to bed I have to write about whatever else happened last night that I now remember and that has come to me since I last wrote. Okay, let's see. When I'm drunk, I'm become very complimentary. I was telling this one girl we were out with that she was really hot every thirty seconds. Wow, I knew I was complimentary, but damn, last night was special. Let's see, oh yeah I became a preacher. I came back and blessed my friends. What gave me the power to bless them...I dunno. Oh yeah, and I become very paranoid when I'm crunked. I gave my roommate a 15 minute explanation on why he should carry the key to keep people from fucking with me. I also wrote illegilble notes that had my roommate remind me to talk to a sober friend of ours so I can remember what happened last night. Oh, the headache I woke up with, a result of me slamming my head into the wall. Let's see, what else. Oh yeah, my friends said I was "drunk off my feet." When asked if I did anything stupid, they told me talk to two of the girls on our floor...I knew I was in trouble. I ended up asking out one of the girls, telling her I liked her a lot. Being that it was Valentine's Day, and it was me...the curse lived on, no girlfriend this year. It makes me wonder, is there something wrong with me? Honestly? My problem is that I've become friend to the world, and the best friend to the world is just that when it comes to women...and nothing else. Well, I got things straightened out with her. I really wanna be her friend, and if we can't be more, I'm fine with it, I just don't want things to get weird to the point where we don't talk to each other because of my feelings for her. We straightened that out, and I'm happy for that and I've apologized for my foolishness, though none was necessary. Maybe I'm going after the wrong girls, maybe its the fact that I'm going after girls...okay, no that's wrong, that'd make me gay, and gay I'm not. Not that it's wrong to be gay, but I've liked women too long to quit over another rejection. It sucks, girls bitch about not having a Valentine, and when you extend the offer to them, they shoot ya down. Oh well. That's why the first song I downloaded was "Another one bites the dust" by queen. It really summarizes how I feel right now. Kinda, I'll get into that tomorrow. I got class at 10, 11 & 1. I gotta go to wal-mart and shop for the crap i need. Maybe I'll find my dream girl at wal-mart. Or I'll probably be racially profiled against again. I'll bet on the ladder. Well, keep it pimpin, pimpin cuz the kings about to sleep!

Tuesday, February 15, 2005

What I Remember of Valentine's Day?

Happy Day after Valentine's Day! We can now all go back to our regularly scheduled lives! I'm all smiles..well, kinda. My Valentine's Day represented a regular day..there was day, and there was night. However, I don't remember most of the night part, and I have a bad feeling about something with a girl. I never go out without a fight when it comes to Valentine's Day. I was day dreaming in class about something that looks like something I did. But did it happen, or was it me just day dreaming again? Well, let's go to the day. The day was cool, for the first time ever I got something from someone that wasn't one of my parents. I got a little candy and a scooby doo card from Ruth who lives in another wing. That sooo made my day. I thanked her and explained to her that how she made my day because I never got anything for Valentine's and the little bit of happiness she brought to me, WOW, made my day. My friend Row also brought me a little lollypop and a rub on tattoo for Valentine's day. Wow, totally awesome. It just took a 6 hour drive and the atmospher of a college campus (oh yeah and that beautiful day) to really change my perspective of Valentine's day. Ask any of my friends, I had never been happier since I have been down here in Carbondale...EVER! Oh the best thing about Valentine's Day, the girls. Yes, sexy girls everywhere, it was like a sexiness contest or something. LOL. Really, the girls were lookin there best, hell everyone was lookin their best...Dressed to impressed! What did I wear during the day you asked? My UNC shirt. I wish I would've had this change maybe about Wednesday last week, I'd be a lot happier probably, or really heartbroken because I probably woulda gone on a shopping spree for this girl and most likely would've gotten...well, shit I can't assume, you can't tell if you don't try. Well, back to the night time. I kicked off my V-Day festivities by drinking the rest of Hooses Sky Vodka. Wow, that shit was powerfull as hell. Granted I shouldn't have had it all in one drink and colored pink by the shot of pink lemonade I dropped in it. Wow, I was crunked before I even left. I was crunked talkin to my friends, I was wow...HAPPY! So, I went out to the Cherry Pit. First of all it was FREE to get in! Secondly, everyone was going out, the boys were goin out, all the sexy girls were out. Granted, tis not the place to take a date on V-Day, but it is the place to be if you wanna get CRUNKED UP! That was my goal. If I brought some hobag back, it woulda been added bonus, the cherry (no pun intended) on top, it woulda been like me hitting a game winning walk off home run at my first time at the plate. But that's not what I'm lookin for, I was lookin to get crunk, that was my ultimate goal for months now. I couldn't back out now. So, I left here pretty tipsy. Two shots (one later thrown up) and two screwdrivers later (shot of OJ and the rest vodka hooked up by bartender matt) The mission had been completed, I was compeletely crunked. We went to Jimmy John's to eat, cuz thats what we always do...after that, I woke up this morning in my bed. Sore with an upset stomach. I love Valentine's Day!

Monday, February 14, 2005

Happy Valentine's day Mother F*ckers!

That is what my away message said this morning at 3 o'clock in the morning. I woke up this morning, to my grandmother calling wishing me a Happy Valentine's Day. I couldn't be mad, I couldn't be mad at grandma. Granted she did wake me up, but I can't be mad at my grandma. So, I woke up, not feeling any negatvity, in fact, I woke up happy, for the first time in a long time. I went on-line and checked the weather, sunny and 51 with the high of 59. How could you not be happy, but as always, I was skeptikal, what was the catch. I stepped outside, and I was shocked. Bright sunshine and never ending blue skies. Compared to yesterday's humid, rainy gray uncomfortable day, today was Godly. Warmth, bright sunshine and most importantly, it felt like just another day. I didn't have to deal with the special Valentine's Day edition of the Lane Warrior with everyone getting a Valentine's Shout out but me. Didn't have to worry about some stupid Turnabout Dance that in my four years of high school did not even attend. I wasn't engulfed by sappy love cards, balloons, roses and the color pink. Oh yeah, did I mention it was warm and sunny. Usually it is about 20 degrees, cloudy, chance of snow in Chicago around February 14th, but I'm not in the Chi anymore, I'm in Carbondale. Carbondale has brought the best out of Valentine's Day. I've never been this happy on Valentine's day...EVER! I wish I could hug everyone and be part of the hype for once in my life. It's too late now. I have the cash, and I have a girl in mind, but its too late. In the famous words that haunt Cub fans annually... WAIT TIL NEXT YEAR! Happy V-Day everyone, I'm off to get crunked tonite!