Saturday, October 14, 2006
Last night I watched the movie Wedding Crashers with some friends of mine. I like that movie, it's a good movie. Got some classic quotes, some stuff that you'll always remember and it wasn't horrible. Though there's a part in that movie that really struck a cord, actually the whole premise of that movie struck a cord with me. That whole scenario where Owen Wilson falls for Rachel McAdams's character in the movie only to find out she's got a boyfriend and later will be engaged. Her boyfriend/fiancee in the movie is a total tool, and his actions in the movie portray him as that really well. He's got a lot of money and a family pedigree worthy of dating someone like McAdams's character (she's the daughter of the Secretary of State) but he's an absolute assclown. Then Owen Wilson comes along, treats her good and all and shows her good things and then there goes a point where they don't speak to each other and in the end he ends up with her because they actually act on what they feel about one another. And then the assclown gets knocked the fuck out when Vince Vaughn gives him a shot to the face. It actually didn't strike a cord in me until this line "Eventually we lose everyone, but I don't want to lose you, not now. And I'm not asking you to marry me, I'm asking you not to marry him."
And that leads me to me. When I heard that line I shook my head and said to myself "I'm in love." The girl I want (my ideal perfect girl) I can't have. I'd do anything to get her, but I'm sure at this stage of the game any attempt would be thwarted, rejected or unreturned. But last night I realized I was in love, or at least what I think the idea of love should be. Maybe I'm in love with the idea of being in love. Now I'm confused. I see her with her boyfriend and I can't help but think "Why not me?" He has his good things, he really does, but whenever I see her unhappy I know why and I wish I could just make it all better. What bothers me a little is when she tells me that I complicate our friendship and that people don't understand our friendship. Heck, sometimes I don't even understand our friendship. But I do know that our friendship is pure, a true friendship that I'm not willing to let go. Even if I have to eventually put all my feelings for her in a coffin and send it off to sea to never be returned again, her friendship means a lot to me. But I love her and want to be with her, but I can't. And if there's any worse feeling than what I felt after heartbreak of the 2003 playoffs with the Cubs, it's this. And I've never, EVER said that about any girl. Ever. And what sucks the most is that I've had time to get over her. I've had opportunites to get over her....and none of them fell through. None. My advances have gone cold with every girl after her, and that sucks even more! It makes me wonder what do I have to do to make this work. It makes me think I'm not going to ever make this work, with anyone. Fighting destiny is hard, especially when you have a pre-conceived notion that in the end you'll fail. Somehow you'll choke. Somewhere down the line you will fuck it all up. And for what?
I've given up on love before, and that's how I ended up here. I don't want to be here (in this situation) anymore.
All I want is one chance. Just one, one good chance. That's all I want. It bothers me that everyone in the world gets second chances, even when they don't deserve one. And me, poor Lu, doesn't get even one chance to make things right. Maybe I am cursed. Maybe I am the curse.
It's not suprising that I use this blog as a confessional, but usually not for this. There's so much more I could write, but to save time and energy I won't. But I'll leave on this note "I'm not asking her to marry me, I'm just asking her not to marry him."
Thursday, October 12, 2006
Last night on my normal blog I wrote a post calling myself a man of theories. http://siulou.blogspot.com/2006/10/is-man-of-theories-back.html
That's the link. If you don't want to read it, that's fine. I'm just here to sum it up for everyone that in the end I was right. What I expected to happen, happened. And where am I in this...nearly on the brink of depression. I was right, I was right all along. Me being right just goes to prove the following:-there are no happy endings-you can't fight fate or destiny-you are your own worst enemy-i am cursed
There isn't much more to know, about anything. If you have faith, ditch it. If you think that one day you'll be happy, you won't. If you live under the theory "anything will happen that can," then you might as well find a new theory. BECAUSE IT'S ALL WRONG! I was wrong to have faith in the system. I should have never had faith all along. Why because it happens to me all the time. It's a reocurring nightmare in which I'm the dumb blonde bimbo that always is the first to be killed.
And what hurts the most is that I never got to speak my peace. And all I wanted was a chance. I guess that's too much to ask.
Wednesday, October 11, 2006
So you're probably wondering where this came from. It's quite random come to think about it. If you're a baseball fan you might have an idea; if you're a Cubs fan those words strike you with some pretty bad memories. But now that I look at it almost 3 years later, I look at it in a different light. The words "the whole culture is cursed" spooks me still to this day. "The whole culture" is an idea that covers a whole lot of ground if you take some time and analyze the thought. "The whole culture..." It makes me think about things. Makes me think about where I've gone since then. Where I've been. Where I want to go. It's a quote like this that makes me reflect on the past, yet think about the future. Sometimes I think that the Billy Goat Curse is a spurious correlation.
- Note that according to wikipedia.com, a spurious correlation is "when a correlation between data exists because of a statistical fluke (rather than true causality.)"
So basically it's something that's like a tag-a-long kind of deal.
So what am I getting at. I once was (and one day would like to become again) a man of theories. I had thoughts, I had ideas and I had beliefs. I saw things coming and if I wanted/needed to avoid them, I did. And I did a good job at it. If I had a "hunch" and I went off of it, I was usually right. So now I have a thought, it's a broad thought but a thought nonetheless:
- If things shake down the way that I think they will (which if the past is any indication and if my "hunches" are any indication, they will fall in the manner in which I presume) I will have been proven correct again. I will have proven that I should have never had "faith in the system," for the system will have been proven to be non-existent. It will also enforce my belief that happy endings don't exsist. No such thing as a happy ending. It would just go to show that everything that I want to believe is just one big fraud. It would just prove that there is another force out there holding me back from what I want, something out of my control. In the best case for this bad scenario, the system will have been proven to have crucial flaws in it. In the end, it probably won't be a happy ending.
But what if this "theory" is wrong. Well first lest define theory. A theory is a "conjecture, an opinion, or a speculation. In this usage, a theory is not necessarily based on facts, in other words, it is not required to be consistent with true descriptions of reality. True descriptions of reality are more reflectively understood as statements that would be true independently of what people think about them." I got that from wikipedia.com too. Translation: a theory is a thought in that you speculate will be true because of what will most likely be an illogical idea or something like that. NOTE: DAMN ME FOR TRYING TO BE INTELLECTUAL AS I WRITE THIS AT 12:53 AM.
- So if my theory's wrong, maybe there is reason to hope. Maybe the little guy can triumph. Maybe the system does work. Maybe there is a system period. Maybe that idea of things coming full circle isn't a pipe dream. Maybe better days are coming.
Lots of maybe's, not necessarily what I'm looking for. So as I sit here pondering, thinking about my next steps. Wondering about the future. Trying to figure out what I need to do to step forward. Trying to figure out "does the system work," "how to fight 'fate'," "how to create a new 'destiny'." I sit here, alone thinking....
Tuesday, October 10, 2006
- Six months have passed since Brian, the consummate bachelor yet closet romantic, left town following a heartbreaking blow out with Marjorie, the current love of his life -- who also happens to be engaged to Brian's best friend, Adam. Since Brian's been away, his close friends, Dave and Deena, have been suffering the fallout of their disastrous experiment with an open marriage; What was supposed to combat the doldrums of parenting, work stress and a lackluster sex life has only driven the couple further apart. They're now hoping marriage counseling will be able to heal their wounds and restore what was once a great love. Meanwhile Brian's sister, Nicole, is thrilled to finally be pregnant after a year of fertility treatments and is busy preparing for the new arrival. Unfortunately she's doing most of the nesting alone, since her husband, Angelo, a hunky, Italian actor, is off in Rome starring in his first film. Thankfully Angelo is planning to return home in time for Adam and Marjorie's wedding -- which is not soon enough for Nicole.
Sound familiar? Sounds like my life now. Maybe that's why mom suggested it. She said herself that it should be called "What About Lu?" Which would HILARIOUS knowing that "WHAT ABOUT LUUU?" was one of my more infamous quotes from last year. So I gave the show a shot after reading about what happened last year and of course falling in love with the shows premise. So I watched the show. My life to a fucking tee. You should have seen me at the end, cheering for Brian to get the girl of his dreams after watching his friend get a lap dance from the stripper and her taking him to "the back room." He told him not to do it....he did it anyways. Once again, sound familiar? Looks like some ABC executives have been reading my blogs and decided to make a TV show about it. So I'm gonna watch next week....FUCK I can't cuz it's MNF Bears/Cardinals. DAMN! I'll have someone tape it for me or something. I want to see if the best friend and the girl of his dreams get married. I need to find out how my future turns out. Hopefully it turns out like it did tonight where the girl of his dreams went back to Brian and said something about second chances and then they kissed.
Well I hope that's what happens in the show and in real life. But I, the real life Brian, needs to look at things objectively. This is real life, not scripted television (though sometimes I believe it could be.) I know that in my heart of hearts there is no happy ending for me. There will be no second chance. I'll continue to be Brian (without the girl.) I hope it's not the case, but all signs point to it. It's like the Cubs. You know they'll fuck up. No matter how big a lead. No matter what they have going for them, something dumb happens. When it comes to my life black cats and Bartman's are replaced by a curse that some say may or may not exsist and a guy that's oh so similar to Brian's best friend in the show. Here's hoping there are happy endings in the television world and in the real world.
PART TWO OF THE BLOG: LOVE & MARRIAGE
This actually leads perfectly into what I actually wanted to blog tonight. So I got a message from a friend last night and the message (sparing the details) basically my friend was talking about getting engaged and married within a few years. I closed the message and shook my head. Engaged? So young. Why not Lu? So I know you're thinking another "woe is me kind of blog." Well you're probably right. It's weird, my group of friends we're pretty young. It's a group between the ages of 18-21. And I know two girls that are actually engaged, a few that have kids, a couple of others that have been in long term relationships, a couple that plan on getting engaged....it's like my guys are just falling by the wayside. And I look at myself, single and lonely, and can't help but be depressed. Don't get me wrong, I don't want to get married right now this second. Eventually I would love to get married. Of course it's gotta be the right time, with the right girl. Heck, I'll just settle with the right girl and we can work on timing. I just want to be loved, and I don't think that's asking much. With what's going on in the world of my friends, I just see a world passing me by and leaving me in the dust. I'd rather not be in this position for much longer.
Monday, October 09, 2006
- The boys came in on Friday. I was happy. It was Tony, George and Brian. Just three, that's it. That was cool though cuz think about it, 6 dudes in one apartment doesn't sound fun unless you're a whore in a gang bang. That's neither here nor there. We went out to S.I.N. (Southern Illinois Nightclub) Friday night after pregaming. I got pretty drunk. Tried dancing up on some girls (unsuccessfully) but I really didn't care as much cuz I was pretty drunk. And on top of that I woke up with a nice hangover on Saturday morning.
- Saturday was cool too. Went to the homecoming game against WIU (Western Illinois University) and beat them 31-24. My guys got kicked out after the first quarter cuz they smoked in the stadium. Oops! I got back from the ball game took a shower and then began cooking. I made burgers, hot dogs and sausages. They were amazing. I love to cook, I love to grill. Cooking/grilling makes me happy. And on top of that I did some more drinking. Beer and burgers are an excellent mix. We didn't end up at Mike and Joe's @ Pinch cuz they were inside Copper so we moved on to Stix. Stix wasn't anything special but it was great to be out with the guys, drinking. Tony and I called it an early night which we used to catch up on some things, shoot the breeze and play a few games of Madden 2007.
- Sunday was the end, of course 'cause all good things must come to an end. We watched the first half of the Bears game together and then they took off at half-time cuz the Bears were whooping ass. The final score ended up being 40-7. I did some more cooking. Pizza and hot wings. Later I would go on to eat 3 krispy kreme donuts, a piece of fried chicken and some ice cream. Today was a self-proclaimed fat day for Lu. I needed it, heck I deserved it. How'd I cap off today: not well by watching the Cardinals beat the Padres which will force me to do something no Cub fan should ever feel obliged to do. I must cheer for the Mets. It's like voting for the lesser of two evils. It's like cheering for the team under the theory "the enemy of the enemy is my friend." I hate the Mets. I wasn't around for '69 but I seen the videos and shit. I hear Santo all the time. I was at Opening Day 1994 when Tuffy Rhodes hit 3 HRs off of Doc Gooden and the Mets STILL won that game. I'll remember the Mets (Victor Diaz and Mike Jacobs specifically) breaking the hearts of the 2004 Cubs after a Mark Prior masterpiece on Saturday's FOX game of the week in which I broke my TV remote after Hawkins blew the save and on Sunday too. I never forget. And everyone knows how much I hate the Cards. But that blog is over on http://mydamncubbies.blogspot.com.
So the other night I left a short and peculiar blog out there talking about potentially losing friends and on top of that having to relive "The Bartman Play" after a really bad conversation. I just want to say that things (as of now) are looking better for me. Kind of. I did what I had to do. Granted it might have been too late, but when something sits on your mind for a while it eventually will hurt. And what I did (in principle) is in excusible from both sides of the argument. Sparing the details of course, there's still a lot of work to be done as far as I'm concerned. I want things to work out, for everyone. I cleared one part of the dilemma on Friday night. Saturday, I backed into clearing the other part (partially of course.) I had a lot of confessing to do. A lot of admissions. A lot of things I had to get off my head. Several times during the conversation my eyes watered or I'd go silent/speechless. I didn't know how I kept myself together. Heck I'm suprised (and proud) of myself for putting on a strong front with the peeps still around. The telling story came this afternoon when she came over. I invited her over, just so I can see her. Call it weird but when you have a close friend and you almost just cut your friendship....seeing them is like a weight off the shoulders kinda moment. We talked and we were cool. It makes me think that there will be no "cutting" of one another out of each other's lives. I didn't want to lose her. Heck no one wants to lose any friends, especially those true friends. I'll be honest there were a few times where I almost crumbled, and I almost did when I pulled her into the kitchen just so I can give her a hug and tell her that I was sorry. I did that because I figured I'd turn into putty or something. In the end I don't wanna say we're all good, but I'd like to believe we're getting there. But like I said, there's work to be done and my work is cut out in front of me.
FINAL THOUGHT: It's good to have friends. I'm talking about friends, not acquaintances. Friends, people that you can go to whenever for whatever you need. The people that you hold closest to you. The ones you trust, the ones you care about, the ones that are there for you and in turn you are there for them. The friends that can make your day with a phone call. A friend of mine gave those friends a good nickname "The Core Group." After this week I know who my "Core Group" is. Whether they're in Carbondale or not, they know who they are and they stepped up big this week for me. I appreciate it. I appreciate all my friends but the ones that were ever so influential (they know who they are) worked wonders for me this week. I'll be honest, without them I would have ended up depressed and having burned bridges. Instead I write this with a half-hearted smile, not half hearted because I don't mean what I'm saying....half-hearted because I realize NOW the worse that could have happened and how unprepared I would have been for a day that I wish would never have even come close to coming to. This weekend was too close to being that weekend. I don't ever want to reach that point again.
Appreciate your friends, because your true friends in return will appreciate you. That's my lesson. Let's hope things stay positive. I stayed away from the negative for the most part in this blog and even though to be completely honest my mind is still a bit heavy...I have an idea what's going on.