Saturday, January 21, 2006

I got out of bed to write this, so you know it will be good

So this is what I get! This is what I get for being relatively optimistic, let alone cautiously optimistic. I should have honestly known better than to think something, ANYTHING good would/could/can happen to me. Now I remember why I spent most of first semester depressed and pissed and angry and drinky. Because at the age of 19 I have no girlfriend, I have no prospects and everyone else seems to be happy but me. I thought tonight was corner turning night. Instead, Hairbangers was sold out, I had no date, I wasn't even called or messaged back. So I sit here, listening to a mellow whitey music mix as I type the night away because I have come to the ULTIMATE conclusion that either A) I'll spend the rest of my days single and lonely B) depressed or C) I don't have an answer for C so FUCK IT! I'm pissed (as you can see) and why shouldn't I be. Well the better question is WHY do I let myself get into these situations in which I set myself up for failure. Why do i let myself get up because I KNOW that failure is imminent. I don't know, I honestly wish I had answers to my own questions. Oh I should have NEVER gotten my hopes up, whenever I think something good is gonna happen to me, I should always remember/realize that this is ME we are talking about and that nothing good is supposed to happen to me. I'm quite disappointed in myself to be honest. I should be out, 1st weekend back and what did I do with it, NOTHING except get drunk in my room by myself. I haven't met any girls, nor have I made any new friends this semester. AND I SHAVED! Sometimes I think to myself that I should grow out the beard and say FUCK EVERYONE and look like a friggin cave man! THIS SUCKS! I hate being behind the curve. I absouletly HATE being single. Not necessarily because I'm alone, but because everyone else has had something and I have had nothing. I also hate being single because, well I had better reasoning, I wish i didn't drink then i'd be able to get it all out. But no, the only way to get over this is to drink. And where am I, a soophomore in college who has TOTALLY FUCKED HIMSELF IN SCHOOL and probably won't get married let alone have sex with a girl. I wonder, WHY ME!?!?!? What did I do to deserve this fate? And I know people out there reading this will be like "why is he so down, he don't got it that bad" well to be honest folks, I don't got it that bad. But everything that means anything to the outside world, I don't have it. Never had a girlfriend, never had sex, never had nothing that is worth anything to any other teenager that's out there now. Sure you'll say "hey why fit in when you can stick out" well there's a difference, I'm sticking out in a bad way! All I know is that I'm stuck here, alone and loneliness SUCKS and I'm sick of it. I'm pissed! I hate being angry because life is too short to be angry, but you know what that's the only thing that's going through my mind right now. Anger and disppointment, two recurring themes in my life.

One Week Down

The first week of school is over, and I'm relieved over it. I've felt very relaxed this week, which is a total and complete change from 1st semester and basically my whole year. I've got plans, I've got things worked out, I'm so far focused and interested in what I have to do. To be straight forward, I totally screwed the pooch 1st semester. Fuck it, let's be real straight forward and say I FUCKED UP! PERIOD! Now I have to dig myself out a major whole, and really, the only way to do this would be to get straight A's. And as impossible as it seems, I think I can do it, and as long as I can think it, I can do it. I just have to take it one class at a time, review daily, go to all my classes, do all my work and things will fall into place the way they are supposed to! I'm quite proud of myself, I didn't go out tonight despite several factors. First of all, its the first weekend back and you know everyone's throwing their inhibitions to the wind on their first weekend back and out on the town. Secondly, people are still living off of their Christmas money, so for the first few weeks people will be out and partying. Being out leads to my 3rd point, the weather for being January down here is EXCELLENT! 60 degreees, can't beat that and as the weather cools off in February and snow potentially comes and possibly comes to stay people aren't gonna be going out. But going out, getting wasted and getting laid should be the LEAST of my concerns. Ah, brings back a great conversation a friend and I had about the difference between me when I'm at home and me when I'm here. There's a MAJOR difference between the me of Carbondale and the me of Chicago. First of all when I'm home, there's something about being in the city that brings the best out of me. I'm happy, I'm confident and I'm relaxed. I get down here to Carbondale and I easily turn and become easily aggrivated, easily depressed, stressed and I have no happiness or confidence. Once again, I'm hoping to bring some of that Chicago Lu down to Carbondale for a bit. I think one of the biggest differences is something minor but it gets out there and it hits the light and makes sense (kinda.) Like I've said before, it seems that when I'm at school my goals and my outlook on life is totally different than it should be. My concerns seem to focus on girls, drinking and getting some. When I'm home getting some is the least of my concerns. And you would think it wouldn't be like that, especially with the crew that I hang out with that I take shit from them guys because I talk to girls that "won't put out" and shit like that. And believe me, I take shit from them and it's almost as bad as my Carbondale people that you know it's difficult because I (once again mentioning the past) don't have much good experience with women and yeah the whole sex thing is yeah um how do i put it nicely, I'm rockin the 'V'-Card, so yeah, I really don't have much room to talk. Though I must say I have everything to offer and hell I can make other guys good boyfriends or better boyfriends than I can make myself. I'm a better as an assistant than as a guy who's running the show.
Hopefully that changes soon. I say that because I got set up on a "date." Mind you, I've never been on a "real" date (though to think about it, I have been on one and that failed MISERABLY) well back to the story. So, my guys (let me specify this that these are my guys here at Carbondale cuz my city guys wouldn't/won't do this. I don't know why, if its that they like seeing me struggle or they just don't have the resources) but once again back to the story. The guys were at dinner and decided that I needed to meet girls and I had to get my confidence up. Now, my roommate tried upping my morale when he tried hookin me up with the internet chick, well we all know that failed (I digress.) So my roomie did some research and contacted some "sources" who told them about someone who might have an interest. To get this hooked up my roomie gets someone to go pick her up and bring her over. Now, throught the day (actually last two days) I had heard mutterings and mumblings about someone coming and something going down and my roommie had a really pissy attitude with me, so I was like "what the fuck is going on?" I digress once again and it's back to the story. So, I was a bit in the dark though I had some inklings but you know me, sometimes I'm the eternal pessimist and don't want to believe that anything good will happen to me because of the simple fact that in the past nothing good has happened. So anyways, long story short I'm suprised because she comes to the room, gives me a hug, we have movie night, I finally get to see Wedding Crashers and I might have me a "date" tomorrow night at the 80s Cover Band Hairbangers ball. As excited as I am, I am cautiously optimistic. What is cautiously optimistic you ask? Think 2003 Cubs when you thought this team could win the division and you thought they could and would but since you've seen them collapse in the past you didn't wanna get your heart broken. Well in the end, you got your heartbroken if you were a Cubs fan, but it was a hell of a ride. I'm not saying I'm just looking for a hell of a ride, but if this can be the start of something, either with her or with someone else in the near future, all I have to say is bravo to the peeps for lookin out for a brotha, for once. I'll holla tomorrow or Sunday bitches!

Thursday, January 19, 2006

Small Changes

Well now that the 3rd day of school is over, I've made some minute changes that hopefully will help me do better this semester. First of all, it starts at night with a solid sleep pattern. I plan to be in bed by 12:30 (at the latest 1 am) and I plan to wake up around 9 am. It gives me a good solid block of sleep, gives me time to eat breakfast before my classes (11 am and 1 pm on certain days) and gives me time to read the newspapers online. I plan to get to class at least 10-15 minutes early when I can so I look prepared at least. When I'm at class, I'm starting to sit closer to the front of the class, I feel I'm more focused when I'm up front.
Funny thing of the day was when I learned my teacher was a Cardinals/Rams fan and a kid "sneezed" Go Cubs. Of course I blessed him. And then there was another kid who took my role as the confrontational Cubs fan. I already like my section. And oh yeah, I'm already comments like we live in a republic not a democracy. Which is true, but it is not what the book says. I got to take my 4pm nap now so ill holla.....

Tuesday, January 17, 2006

Loose Change

I've titled this post loose change because there isn't anything major to report, just some random ramblings from the first day of school. Interesting day, I would have liked to have slept in but because of habit of waking up early during vacation month I was up before my roommate who had a class at 9 am this morning. So I had one class today it was my politics class. I'm quite interested in the class because of my background in politics. Oh and of course I'm peepin the girls, but here comes the cynicism "why is this gonna be any different time." Well I don't have an answer to that question, only time will tell so we'll see what happens. So yeah, that's my day, I spent the rest of it lounging around the room doing nothing, though I did fill out a job application earlier.
RANDOM THOUGHT OF THE DAY: Okay, I know its January 17th, meaning 28 days til my least favorite holiday Valentine's Day. I will probably spend a lot of time dwelling as the clock ticks down closer to the day that I despise. But there is NO reason that Valentine's Day needs to be forced down my throat. Now maybe I'm taking things a little to personal (which I do on occasion) but on January 1st when I went shopping with my mother and what do I see ready to replace Christmas and New Year's is VALENTINE'S DAY CANDY AND CARDS AND BEARS AND THINGS! And it keeps coming, at the Card store, a whole aisle is dedicated to Valentine's Day things. Oh and even when I go on the web on My Space there are bulletins about valentine's day or on xuqa where there's a valentine's day blog. Then there's little old me, getting ready to spend another miserbale valentine's day alone, and most likely drunk! And there will be my roommate, happily in a relationship in which he will overspend (and for good reason i guess because she's worth it) because thats just how he is and he'll be happy and she'll be happy. And there will be others that will enjoy and there will be others that will be in my boat. But sometimes it seems that this day just brings the worst out of me. Anyways, my point is that its less than a month away and the hype machine that is the market is selling Valentine's Day to anyone and everyone and it seems like folks are eating it up already. Maybe its time for me to do so as well.

The Third Time I've Editied This Post
As more thoughts pour into my mind another one about the V-Day hits me and I promise this will be the last of the night. I was randomly surfing My Space when I found a Valentine's Day application with questions ranging from the basic name, age, blah blah bullshit to the intruiging would you kiss me or introduce me to your parents kinda deal. It's not even here yet and I'm already sick of this day, I need a drink.

4th Time and I promise i'll stop

Random thought of the night brought to you by the good folks at Roc A Fella Records: Hip-Hop Since 1973. This thought entered my mind while looking at a Xuqa post and escaped through the power of my brain sending messages to my hands to type this: I feel that I'm destined to be single. However, I am a big fan of putting "destiny" in its place and defying the odds, but this thing with women seems to elude me each time. I've turned shy and have put myself in a shell.

I Could definetly use some advice.

Day 1....Semester 2.....Year 2006

New year, new semester a new day and more of the same. I vowed for change and it looks like things are still the same. My room was clean until my roommate got back, well at least it was clean for a minute. And the room, back to grand central station. The center of the 14th floor universe is 1434 Mae Smith. I sometimes wonder about rooming with him next year, like the rest of the guys it won't be quite bad, but i dunno, i think we gotta give hoos his own wing of the house to fuck things up in! I dunno there's so much more on my mind but i'm too tired to write. As much as I've vowed to change, I hope things do change, but somewhere inside me my doubts have overshadowed the my confidence. Good night from Carbondale