Stepping Out Of Character

When I went home I wanted to do the following:

• I wanted to rest and relax. Check.
• I wanted to get some errands done. Check.
• I wanted to hang out with Chi-Town's Finest. Check.
• I wanted to find some happiness. Check.
• I wanted to come back to Carbondale with a new outlook.

Well, that last one is a work in progress, but it's a work that I've worked on each day since I've been back. Positive thoughts tend to drown out the negativity. Happy music has replaced depressing and down trodden tunes on my I-Pod. I'm generally happy. Minus certain moments, I can say that I'm quite content with things. So, you want proof that I'm attempting to move forward?

Tuesday was a step forward. The cute girl that sits in front of me in Physics, I started a conversation with her for once. That's new to me, usually I just talk Physics and crap with her, but Tuesday, there was a little more. Nothing to write home about, but this is Lu that wer'e talking about. And then later Tuesday I had a flashback. A flashback to a Las Vegas moment. In fact, I'm currently calling it a "Why Not Lu? Why Not Now?" moment. I was getting flirty with the waitress so I decided to try to pull a rabbit out of my hat and leave my number in her tip. She hasn't called back. A part of me is upset that she hasn't because A) it worked in the past and B) it's worked for other guys, even guys who are taken. So once again, Why Not Lu? Why Not Now? I walked out of that place with a swagger, a swagger I haven't had in a loooong time. I couldn't believe that I pulled that. But yeah, I was a bit "meh" about her not calling, but it's like a step forward. It's the principle, it's the idea that Lu can pull it off. It's the fact that I made an attempt, without anyone's outside influence. No pressure, no punch lines, no taking shit. In fact from the response of those I've told, they're quite proud of me. Heck I'm proud of me.

I'm hoping all of this parlay's into this weekend. SIU hoops Thursday, Hairbanger's Ball on Friday, Saturday's up in the air, but hey, once again you can't help but to think 'Why Not Lu? Why Not Now?' You can't help but feel optimistic. The only question is how long will this last?

If you read this and you know me, I'm expecting the other shoe to drop. I'm waiting for the inevitable black cat to circle me. I'm expecting a gypsie lead by a billy goat at my front door any minute now. I'm expecting Bartman to ruin my chances for love (again!) But until the goat, the cat or Bartman decides to show up (again!) I'm just gonna keep it pushin'. It's all I can do.

Don't get me wrong, I want this to work. I want something to work. I want something to smile about. But don't be suprised if sometime between the time I post this and the time this weekend is over that I'm back to my old tricks and rants and raves of how it's just not meant to work out between me and any woman. Here's hoping I won't have to deal with that any time soon. And eventually, ever again!

I'm Going Home...

...but I'll be back. Don't worry. I will return to Carbondale, whether I like it or not. I've got a lot of thinking to do. I've got a lot of soul searching to do. It makes me think that I won't have much time for parties and things of that nature. I need a weekend away from Carbondale to recharge the batteries, get re-focused and then come back strong for the final months of the school year.
This semester has been rough on me mentally. Physically it's starting to take it's toll too. Some of it's alcohol related, some of it leads to the alcohol use. Whatever the case is, a weekend away from all of this can't hurt.
Hopefully by the time I return heads will have cleared and Lu will be on the road to recovery. Here's hoping happiness is only around the corner.

The Flashback, The Vision, The Prediction

I've had a few days to think about what happened Monday night and a few days to articulate what I need to write for this "note" to make sense. So here goes nothing.First, the Monday Night Miracle. Bears down 20 with 15:02 to go in the game the Bears score 0 offensive touchdowns and STILL comeback to win 24-23. I'll note this because in The Heckler, a comedic sports paper, wrote that the NFL would spot the Cardinals 23 points in that MNF game as a joke. They were instead spotted 20 by the Bears. That's the first part. But after Devin Hester returned that punt for the game winning TD and Neil Rackers (last year's Mr. Automatic) missed a game winning FG I had this numbing feeling in my body, followed by a tingling sensation.

This leads to THE FLASHBACK. The flashback was a conversation I had between myself and my roommate. Here's an excerpt from my blog last year: "Yeah, we still like the same girl and we were talkin about it. We were talking about the prospects of them and all of the other guys that like her. We eliminated them for one reason or another, then I basically eliminated myself. There's the self reflection. Here's exactly how I eliminted myself:"Me (chuckling) in my wildest dreams that include a year in which the bears, bulls, cubs and SIU win championships..." And then it hit me. The Bears are a contender and will probably win the NFC North title and in my eyes are serious contenders for the conference title and (dare I say it?) the Super Bowl. According to basketball experts, the Bulls are one of the top 5 teams in the Eastern Conference and could contend with Miami if everything breaks their way. SIU is one of the favorites to win the MVC title, again. And the Cubs, with the hiring of Lou Piniella, are making their way to becoming contenders again for the first time since 2003 and 2004. So it hit me, and it hit me hard. Could I be next? Could this be the way the chips fall? I'm not gonna say that the stars are aligned, but I WILL say that there is movement among them.

This leads to THE VISION. More of a dream. Long story short it's me at Wrigley Field on Opening Day and the Cubs win. I can't tell you who played or who I was with, all I know is that there was a conversation with someone saying that this was the year and it was only us two among the whole crowd that believed. So I'll put it out there now Cub fans. 2007 is ours. Accept nothing less than a championship. Yes, start small with division aspirations because the NL Central with 88 wins is winnable. But don't accept choke jobs in the LDS or LCS. World Series or bust. Dusty Baker had one good quality and that was bringing the attitude of "you're either with us or you're against us." So Cub fans, you're either with me or against me. 2007: The Year The Cubs Strike Back.

As for THE PREDICTION: 2007 will be my year. No doubt about it. Shaking off curses, jinxes, hexes and all of the past that has plagued me. Cheering on SIU to a MVC title and hopefully a deep run into the NCAA tournament. Cheering on the Bears, hopefully to a Super Bowl Shuffle Remix. Cheering on the Bulls, hoping to knock off the big bad Heat. And then the Cubs, you know how I feel about 2007.

FINAL THOUGHT: To enforce my vision, my mother and I spoke today. I told her the following: "I was all about Joe Girardi coming to manage the Cubs. I thought that it'd be perfect that the local product, life-long Cub fan and former Cub leads this team out of a 98 year drought. But I thought about Piniella signing and I think it'd be more fitting that a guy named 'LOU' did the job." In response, my mother said "You know, I was thinking the EXACT SAME THING!"

Why Not Us? Why Not Now? Why Not Lu? All questions that will be put to rest in 2007, I'm SURE of it!

After Tonight I Took A Look In The Past And Found This Nugget

From NOVEMBER 15TH 2005:

• Yeah, we still like the same girl and we were talkin about it. We were talking about the prospects of them and all of the other guys that like her. We eliminated them for one reason or another, then I basically eliminated myself. There's the self reflection. Here's exactly how I eliminted myself:"Me (lmfao) in my wildest dreams that include a year in which the bears, bulls, cubs and SIU win championships..."

And as of right now I am sick to my stomach. The Bears look like they are on their way after tonights 24-23 comeback win on Monday Night Football where they scored 0 offensive touchdowns and yet still won and on top of that came back on the road from 20 down. The Bulls are one of the top teams in the Eastern Conference and look to be improving with the addition of a guy who plays interior defense. The SIU Salukis are favored to win the MVC and are a lot of experts "sleeper" team this coming college basketball year. And the Cubs have just hired Lou Piniella to save the franchise. This isn't Dusty Baker who succeeded because of guys like BALCO Bonds and the three-run homer. Piniella's teams developed Griffey Jr. and A-Rod to major league studs. And the idea of A-Rod in Cubbie blue pinstripes feels almost as good as the last kiss I got. 2007 JUST MIGHT BE THE YEAR! Maybe then MAYBE this can be my year too.

Between all that and the new TV show "What About Brian?" I can't help but to think: Why not Lu? Why Not Now?

I Had That Dream...Again

I could easily rehash the details of my depressing day, my depressing self and/or my depressing life. Instead I'll come with something new. During a mid-afternoon nap I had a dream that had a hint of a revelation in it. It was that dream again. And that dream of course is the one about the Cubs winning the World Series.
It wasn't a clear dream, in fact it was quite quick. It wasn't like the last 'Cubs Winning The World Series' dream which I had last in 2004. I wasn't celebrating in the dorm room popping champagne with my roommate and suitemates. Instead I myself was at Wrigley Field. In the stadium, in the grandstands. Not as a member of the media as I once had hoped for. But it was me, among my people on the third base side of home in the terrace reserved level. I couldn't tell you who was pitching. I couldn't tell you who we were playing. I couldn't tell you who was on the team. All I remember was out number three at Wrigley and looking at the center field scoreboard saying "World Champion Chicago Cubs" and me just bursting into tears.
In reality, I can't see myself with the ballclub whether it be at home or on the road if they ever won the whole damn thing. I'd have to be at home alone, or with several die-hards like myself. Don't get me wrong, I'd love to be there to see it myself, but in my mind I can see it unfolding on television. I can hear Joe Buck saying something to the extent of "Cub fans have longed to hear it: 'The Chicago Cubs are World Champs.'" I can see the video montage on Fox of that years team, flashbacks to the 2003, 1984 & 1969 teams, things that exonerated the goat, the black cat & Bartman...I can hear Santo in a triumphant cheer....And finally I see myself drenching myself in champagne in joy.
I know that this is all a pipe dream and that in two years it will have been 100 years since anyone actually did that in real life. But it would be something, at least for me to take a hold of and call my own. You wouldn't be able to take that away from me. You can take away my dream job. My dream car. My dream girl. But if you GAVE me a World Series Championship....I think I could live with myself peacefully once again.