Last Post of the School Year

So much to do with so little time I thought I'd just drop people a line to say thanks for reading, thanks for watching and a final good night from Carbondale! Here's to a better year next year and a potentially amazing summer ahead. The new Lu starts Monday May 15th, which marks my return home. It should be a return that goes for the best :-)

F-F-F-FINALS!!!!

Well folks, this is the beginning of the end and there's no one happier to hear those words than myself. There's so much down time during finals week, I can't help but reflect on not only this semester, but this school year as a whole. I love reflecting about things. I usually use that time to see the good and the bad that I did and analyze the year.
Well I guess I can start with that a lil' bit now. This year has been inconsistant to say the least. It's been up and down and it's just been pretty bad. Sometimes I'm happy, sometimes I'm sad. I've had good days and bad days. I've had the week from hell and the week that was completely blessed. It's just been weird to say the least. There have been times where I've wanted to just drop out of school. Other times I wouldn't want to get away from this place. Anyways, I'm gonna leave sometime, so I guess I could look forward to it.
I don't look forward to finals however. Why? Because F.I.N.A.L.S. stands for Fuck I Never Actually Learned Shit!!! I got three finals tomorrow. Two of them I desperately need to ace. One of those is an essay quiz so I'm a bit worried about that. The other one is geography, the class I rarely attended because I didn't learn from the instructor as well as I did from the book. My grade might suffer from it, but my mental stability won't. I have a final in race and ethnics tomorrow around 6 pm. That one I studied most of the day for. I'm shooting for a B in the class and would be quite attainable if I do really well on this test here. I've gotten a B on the last two tests. My missed week of class will hurt because I missed quizzes that couldn't be made up. I'm still hoping for the best. I have one cumulative final on Thursday around 8 AM which I haven't sniffed 8 AM in the longest of other times. I'm not a big fan of cumulative finals because they cover a whole semesters worth of work. Which means I have to go into my mental rolodex and go back ALL THE WAY BACK to mid January. Seems like ages ago. I guess that's just preparation for the future when I need to use my long term memory beyond 5 months.
Beyond finals and the whole educational thing its the last time I'll be with all my college peeps at the same time. In a sense I'll miss the college life for a little bit. I'll miss some of the parties, I'll miss going to $5 concerts at the bars. Stuff like that I'll miss. I won't miss drama, stupid people, drunks, walking down 14 flights of stairs because of a fire drill, I won't miss being awaken by our pothead suitemates whether it be the dijereedoo or them shooting off snot rockets. Stuff like that, I'll live happily without.
And then there's a part of me that looks forward to next year. Yet another fresh start on campus, yet the thing I'm looking forward to is living off campus. An apartment with two of the guys. A place off campus where there aren't fire drills, RAs, campus police and most of all...DRAMA! And oh yeah, my own room. No roommate!!!!
Though I can't complain much, it's not like first semester freshman year where I had roommate issues. In general, Kevin's been a pretty good roommate. Minus the lack of cleaning sometimes, the ignorance he displays sometimes, oh and the fact he's a Duke fan. Beyond that he's been a pretty good friend and a pretty decent roommate. Next year, I'll have housemates, NO ROOMMATES!
After a depressing year of women issues I'm looking forward to getting back on the block. I'm done looking in the past (as of now of course, I might have said this before). Seriously, I need to let all that go and move on with my life and look to make successes out of what were my past faiures. This was part of along conversation last night. One that took place at 5 am nonetheless. It was that whole "love" and what I wanted and stuff like that. So I'm thinking about love and I think it's more like a mathematical equation. It's difficult to solve, yet once you solve it you look back on it and try to figure out why something so simple was so difficult in the first place. On top of that you know what you want in the end, but you need things to make the equation complete and true. In the end, I just want to be happy. I'm tired of sitting on the sidelines. Eventually I'll find someone, but you can't find someone if you're not out there looking. I saw a nice quote today that said "Don't frown, because you never know when someone is going to fall in love with your smile." Very deep. Also the Tony Soprano quote from earlier in the year "Every day's a blessing, and I'm going to treat it as so." I guess that's a nice way to put it.
I'm done for tonight. Enjoy and wish me luck this week.

And in the end...

...I went home. Soon enough, I'll make like the Kanye/Common song and I'll be on 'My Way Home.' And I'll be happy initially. I'll be glad to be back in the city I love, back in my wonderful queen size bed and I won't be worried about waking up and going to class. I won't be worrying about notes, studying and reviewing. I won't be worrying about trueblood, grinnell, wise guys, quatros...and the beat goes on. I won't be worrying about what I say and who's around when I say it because I'll be home. I won't be worrying about being a third wheel, awkward moments, the small-time pressures of being a college student none of that. I won't have to worry about who's sleeping where, because in the end I'll either be in my room or in my basement. I won't be thinking about "what am i gonna do this weekend" because I won't be wanting to get wasted. I won't be out looking for random pieces of ass. I won't be drinking myself into a drunken stuper in which I drunk dial girls, think depressive thoughts and end up puking my brains out. I'll be home and I'll be happy. But then I'll miss my college friends. I'll miss late night chats, movie nights, party weekends and stories from the night before. I'll miss "hey, you hungry? wanna order some food?" Most of all, I'll probably miss watching Viva La Sex on Sunday's, watching ESPNEWS because there was nothing else on TV except the same sports stories from last night, re-runs of the Sopranos on Wednesday. And in the end, when it hits about mid-July or early-August, I'll want to go back to Carbondale. Because I'll be sick of my parents. Sick of working. Sick of being bored on the weekends because (fill in answer here.)
Sounds familiar doesn't it. I'm sick of Carbondale because I'm sick of classes, sick of being mired in shit, tired of being me. It sounds like a cycle from hell.
SO ON WITH TODAYS THINGS:
I got to be on TV today. SWEET! I was on closed circuit, campus television show Viva La Sex. And I know what you're thinking. The virgin, on a sex show, how? Well, I wasn't the only one, the co-host, who's a friend of mine is also a virgin. I actually said while on the show "America, are you ready for two virgins on one sex show?" I was nervous, but after the second switch, things went well, and I hit a bit of a stride. Its easier to rip into the show when you're not watching it. Actually the show went really well, and I'm not just saying that because I was on it. I'll be back Tuesday when they do tryouts for next year.
Had a nice little conversation tonight about wishes, dreams and love. Personally I have my own views on the topic that have been skewed by past experiences and things of that nature. To me wishes don't come true. A wish is something distant that you wish that under the best circumstances would come true. Unlikely, but anything will happen that can supposedly. Dreams are extremely distant wishes. Dreams are extended goals that are attainable under the right circumstance. Dreams are much more attainable than wishes. Wishes seem like they need some type of star-crossed path to get across what is wanted to be achieved. And love. Oh good ole love. How do you define love? Haddaway actually posed the question in a song: what is love? So what is love? Some people say that it's not defineable. Some would define it. Some would rather not. Personally to me love is something that I can't put a finger on. Why, well maybe it's because I can't/haven't found love. To me though, love is a fraud. I defined love as an 'imaginary concept' because it can't be defined and as a few people put it "I don't know what it is, but I know it when I see it." Which coincidentally is the US Supreme Court's definition of "obscenity."
So in the end: wishes don't come true, dreams are seemingly unattainable goals and love is just an imaginary concept.
That's just my opinion, and I'll stick to it until further notice or I get a reason to change it.

Told Ya So

WARNING: I'm pissed and this is a pretty long blog. So if you want to read on go ahead. I'm just warning you because I say a lot of shit because I'm really pissed now!


Well folks tonight was an absolute disaster! It sucked. Tonight was totally lame, a waste and really it just EH!!! I'M PISSED NOW! Especially after last night which was sooo awesome but no, back to reality tonight. In retrospect tonight was representative of this entire school year. One good night, one bad night. And it happened over and over again. And really, the tone was set that first night out. This year it was just a repetative cycle of blown opportunities, wasted time, wasted efforts and in the end I'm pretty much where I started. I'm not happy, I've been happy too few and far between and its quite upsetting. I have nothing to hang my hat on about this year. My grades are average, girls are a non-issue because they are a MAJOR issue, and it's not like last year where I had this great experience. I've gone through a lot of bullshit this year that is a combination of shit I got myself into and shit that I'm in because of circumstance. If it was up to me I'd be yellin' 'til I'm blue in the face "I WANT OUT!" Because that's how I feel about Carbondale a majority of the time. I honestly don't even want to talk about my girl issues because it'll make me want to just hurt myself in a bad way! I'll go out on a limb and put a majority of the blame (if not all of it) on me. I fucked up. I fucked up in school for starters. I'm smarter than this. I'm more educated than what I've shown. All my life I've under achieved, especially these last two years. I constantly feel un-inspired and lethargic. Its part environment and part lack of motivation. When it comes to girls that's just a train wreck right there in itself. You're talkin' about someone whose got plenty of female friends, yet that's where it stays. It never goes beyond the friend stage, ever. And its not like I got some "high school sweetheart" waiting in the wings. It's really like HS all over again, except it's more in focus when you're on campus. Sometimes I feel like I'm in some surreal scene where everyone's involved with someone except me. It depresses me to think about it sometimes. I'm almost 20 and I have so much to experience. I dunno, the whole girl thing pisses me off to a point where I just wanna go off and hide somewhere and not be heard from again.
And really that's where a majority of my stress comes from. How did I come to that conclusion. Well, I figured that out when the Cubs can't even be my savior from these issues. Usually baseball season comes around and no matter how bad the Cubs are, they distract me from my issues with women. This year not so much. Even when they win I still got girls on the brain. Some would say (and have said) I'm obsessed with it. I'm obsessed not only with women, but also the thought of sex and the act of sex. Because really that's all I hear about on campus. Who's fucking, where they're fucking, who they wish they were fucking, who they fucked in the past, who they'll fuck in the future and BLAH! BLAH! BLAH! And then there's me who has nothing to bring to the conversation because I'm stuck in the single black hole!!!!
People are so full of shit sometimes too. (Sorry here comes the rant.) Seriously I hear the same bullshit all the time. "Don't worry your time will come." So if I died tomorrow, would my time have come, NO, so that's bullshit! "Just be yourself." I haven't been acting the last 19+ years. I've been myself, MYSELF SUCKS!!! I wish I could just fabricate my past and make myself to be something I'm not and just fool the fuck out of people. "Don't try so hard" or "you're trying to hard, they'll come when you're least expecting it." BUUUUULLLLLLLSHIIIIIIT!!!!!! You're kidding me right. Sometimes I wonder if the people feeding me this shit believe the shit they are saying themselves. There have been times where I haven't tried hard, and that's probably how I get stuck in the friend zone. That whole "they'll come when you least expect it" deal, is bullshit. Talk about isolation, I might as well go gay or something. Its funny because who do I hear this shit from. Let's see, I hear it from people who are already in relationships. Really, should I take advice from them, they're set, they've got nothing to worry about. They're not on the block trying to impress anybody, they're settled. "Pretty people" or people that most would consider attractive. Really, should I be taking advice from them? It's easy to give advice when you can get it on demand, whenever you wanted. Its easy for good-looking people to talk shit because they're good looking and if it came down to it, they could get away with murder if they would like to.
And in the end, it doesn't even matter. I'm stuck. I'm glad this semester is almost over so I won't have these dumb thoughts anymore. XBOX will be taking up my late night entertainment. Goodnight from Carbondale. WHERE I'M PISSED!