Friday, January 27, 2006

I know it's late

One last thing, I never did quote of the year for last year. So upon further review (and FINALLY getting a chance to see Wedding Crashers) and since it's the only one I can really think of now, I think this is your winner:
"I apologize to you if I don't seem real eager to jump into a forced awkward intimate situation that people like to call dating. I don't like the feeling. You're sitting there, you're wondering do I have food on my face, am I eating, am I talking too much, are they talking enough, am I interested I'm not really interested, should I play like I'm interested but I'm not that interested but I think she might be interested but do I want to be interested but now she's not interested? So all of the sudden I'm getting, I'm starting to get interested... And when am I supposed to kiss her? Do I have to wait for the door cause then it's awkward, it's like well goodnight. Do you do like that ass-out hug? Where you like, you hug each other like this and your ass sticks out cause you're trying not to get too close or do you just go right in and kiss them on the lips or don't kiss them at all? It's very difficult trying to read the situation. And all the while you're just really wondering are we gonna get hopped up enough to make some bad decisions? Perhaps play a little game called "just the tip". Just for a second, just to see how it feels. Or, ouch, ouch you're on my hair."

Thursday, January 26, 2006

What I Promised Yesterday...

...I post today, well kinda. I won't promise that this will be done with the same edge and same feeling that I had last night or let alone 15 minutes ago when the site froze on me and I had to start all over again, but whatever. There's so much on my mind and why not just put it all on one blog and seperate it by section. Well, here goes nothing...again:
This blog when I was originally writing got off to a HOT START! Now that I don't remember what I wrote, I have no idea on where to leave off. So, here we go with Valentine's Day thoughts. I guess a starter would be that Valentine's Day is in 19 days, not that I'm counting the days or anything. It's on a Tuesday, I can't help but to think about last years Valentine's day which took place on a Monday because I love reminicing on old times. But at least I only have one class that day. The good thing about college (compared to high school) is that on Valentine's Day, it isn't as big of a deal as it was in high school, well my high school at least. I remember the days at Lane where everyone and their dog had a Valentine's Day related item/gift with them. Whether it was a card, a bunch of flowers, a balloon, a teady bear, etc. I remember the school paper had announcements and things, I wish I would have kept those, well on second thought, I don't because it would only further remind me of the failure high school was when it came to me and girls. Well folks, you get my drift. Heck, I remember the days in which I tried to fit the crowd and gift things to girls I like, which obviously have failed, which is one of the MANY things that fuels the fire and passion and hatred I have for Valentine's day! Moving on, compared to high school, there isn't that much of that here on campus. Granted, I've only experienced it once, but you know that one time wasn't as bad as high school, so believe me that was good. Maybe it's because it's not that hyped down here. Granted there's the "i'm going home to ____ " fill in the blank with the hometown of a person "to have sex" people that come out which I think they're a bit shallow, but that'll come in a later section. Then there's the people that suprise they're loved one by sending something through the mail or by miraculously showing up. Then there's me, the ambassador for those who hate Valentine's Day and would gladly appreciate it if it was shoved up Hallmark's ass. People tell me I'm bitter because I've never had a Valentine. I tell these people, yeah you're right, and that's why I get this way when this time of year comes around. Because I've been made to be singled out as the guy who doesn't have a Valentine and that sucks coming around year after year. Being singled out isn't a good thing unless it is made out to be a good thing like if you're good at something. So to sum it all up, I'm bitter because everyone else is happy. Is it called jealousy? Yes, I guess but it's only because it's rammed down your throat as a happy time full of hope and optimism. NO bitch, you're wrong, that's what spring training and opening day is all about, so Valentine's Day gets knocked won a peg. To quote the movie Fever Pitch: "Love comes and goes, but the Red Sox will always be here." That's how I feel: Girls come and go, but the Cubs will never leave. To take a bit from that movie here comes a rant....Girls come and go, but the Cubs will never leave. The Cubs will never be mad at you because you never called back. The Cubs don't care what you look like. The Cubs never REJECT you. Girls do. Sure, the Cubs have been disappointing. Sure they've let me down in the past and will most likely do so in the future. But in the end, there's always tomorrows game. There is no tomorrow's game with a girl. Heck when a ball game gets rained out, you get a double header, two games for the price of one, in the same day. You think a girl's gonna do that for you, two dates with two girls on the same day. How about one date with two girls, think that will happen? Not likely. Okay, now that that rant is over, back to the main point of this portion of the blog and what basically inspired me to write this section. I'll preface this by saying the person who wrote this post in the end makes up for the garbage they spewed in the beginning, Mariotti style. I agree that the downfall of this generation is MTV making idiocy and stupidity look good to the point in which those who are dumb have the power and those who are the intellects look like fools. I agree that pop culture has watered down society to the point where stupidity is cheered and intellect is looked down upon. But that's not what inspired me, this however is: Valentine's day is a holiday founded on love. Perhaps the most powerful human emotion, love transcends most other functions of a human mind. Logic, leisure, and survival are all overriden. Such an emotion deserves at least a small amount of respect. Why, then, do I see classmates "boycotting" Valentine's day? Wearing silly little patches about how Valentine's day stinks, and preaching how no one should like it. That was quite a little ditty that I absolutely RIPPED APART in my mind, well now I'll rip it apart here. Valentine's Day isn't a holiday first of all becasue I DON'T GET TIME OFF OF SCHOOL OR WORK FOR IT, SO NO HOLIDAY STATUS FOR YOU! Now that we got that out of the way, it isn't a day founded on love, it is founded on the idea that someones emotions can be purchased. Valentine's Day is so commercial, it's on the level of Christmas. As soon as Thanksgiving was over, here comes Christmas. But as soon as the new year rings in, here comes Valentine's Day. So don't tell me that it's founded on love, it's founded on the foundation that love can be bought and that is WRONG! Note that I would agree that love is the most powerful human emotion, but Valentine's day brings out the worst in people because it simplifies everything to the point where superficiality is celebrated. That is what's wrong with the day itself. So to answer the guys question about why he sees classmates "boycotting" the day and preaching how no one should like it, well here of course is my answer. People boycott because they don't believe. Why they don't believe, well you can draw your own conclusions. When something gets you down over and over again, don't you yourself think about how it puts you down and say fuck it I want no part in this no more. And the preaching, well I don't preach. I don't think you should ever put anyone down because of what they believe, even if it is over Valentine's Day. And as much as this is a put down of Valentine's day supporters, it's more of a put down of the day and the way it is marketed and how some people are left out in the cold. Valentine's day, in a sense, is a day in which the rich get richer. So my Valentine's day stance well I guess it's similar to my stance on Denny's. To refresh memories: I refuse to eat at Denny's until they acknowledge Brown vs. Board of Education, Topeka (1954.) Basically I refuse to acknowledge Valentine's Day until I have a Valentine.
So, I was "Facebook'd" the other day by someone I would have never expected to facebook me. I'll preface this story by a long story. A long time ago, there was a boy named Luis (he wasn't known as Lu until later) who was a sweetheart. He was a happy go lucky kinda kid that didn't have negative thoughts, he was generally in a positive mindset. Back in the day, Luis had a crush on a girl named Vanessa who was the apple of his eye. Inside him, he always believed that she was the one. Luis had his chances, don't get me wrong, but he blew them because Luis was quite naiive and didn't see what was apperantly in front of him. Since then Luis and Vanessa have drifted apart and Luis still hasn't let go of her until this day. Back to reality, now I'm Lu again. I was actually poked by her, and I was like "naw, can't be..." and it was, and she's still beautiful. All of a sudden that soft spot came back and it hit me, I still have a place in my heart for her. I'll never forget how stupid I was back in the day how dumb I was how BLIND I was not to see what was obviously in front of me. I can only hope that one day forces beyond our control (and forces within our control) can somehow bring us together. I doubt it will happen, why, because I'm a pessimist, but there's a part of me that says and always will say she was the one. And potentially the one that got away. A more recent crush of mine, could potentially be one that got away, but I'd like to see it as I'd rather be friends than not have her around at all. I feel as if it was a lost chance but once again, it wasn't meant to be.
Since it came out whenever it came out, Facebook (along with other sites such as My Space, Xuqa, Xanga, etc.) have been used to "cyber socialize." As these sites evolved from basic profiles and class matching, now schools are using these sites against the students that they were created for. Between Facebook and blog sites, there's a lot of incriminating evidence out there. Now, school administrators are using pictures that are posted on these sites and confessions as well to pin students in a corner and basically get them in trouble. For example, administrators at SIU have used facebook pics such as the ones where students are drinking in the dorms (which is illegal) to get them in trouble. I won't stay too long on this issue, because of privacy issues and things of that nature. I'll also bring up the kid out east that got caught up because he posted his scheme on how he stole school laptops on his blogsite and then got arrested. I'll finish this instead by saying beware of what you write, say and post. Big brother's always watching and listening.
I'm doing great in school. I'm enjoying my classes thoroughly. I'm going to class regularly focused and ready to go. I feel much more relaxed which is very key for me. Hopefully things go well as the semester rolls along and things get more difficult. This is a short one, but so far, school's been sweet.
This will be short and sweet too, because of changing situations. I'll probably end up in the room all weekend but supposedly that's a bad thing. Yes, I should be going out and meeting people, but at the cost that I don't have a job, my parents aren't sending me money and that each job I've applied for down here, I've been rejected, more like they aren't hiring anymore, whatever. Well, I'm still looking for a steady girl. This will lead to a bigger longer blog that I really don't want to get into, but yeah that relationship that isn't necessarily based on sex would be really really nice about now. Who knows, this weekend starts at 2 tomorrow.
What the fuck is up with everyone and Chuck Norris? They have these sayings about him like he's the greatest thing since sliced bread. Maybe he did something really good for the community and I just don't know about it. All I know is that Walker, Texas Ranger was overrated, and in fact, pretty gosh darn bad, so yeah, the Chuck Norris stuff, creepy.
18 days til Valentine's Day. 19 days til Cubs pitchers and catchers report to spring training. 66 days til Opening day. Anything else worth counting down is too far away.
Will come in tomorrow's posts. good night to one and all

Blog Preview

I'm so tired right now, I totally got thrown off my sleeping pattern the last few nights, but don't worry, tonight I'll be getting my sleep in about a half an hour. I really wanted to leave a long and detailed post about things, instead I'll leave the topic headlines and I'll fill it in tomorrow.

  • My Anti-Valentine's Day Stance
  • An old crush re-appears as a relatively new one gets scooped up
  • How Universities actually use facebook and blogs
  • Inspiration from old posts: where are they now, and where have i been or where i'm at since I posted them
  • The How I'm Doing At School Update
  • Why THIS is an important weekend for me on a personal level
  • What the fuck is up with everybody and chuck norris?
  • Countdowns (Valentine's Day, Spring Break, Opening Day & End of School)
  • Music Review (I ain't done one of those in a while)
  • Why is my room grand central station, and why i can't WAIT til i move into an apartment!

AND MUCH MORE!!!! I can't wait! This will be a good and very much inspired blog!

Monday, January 23, 2006

This One's Inspired, So It Should Be Good (and potentially long winded)

Well folks, it's been a relatively quiet Monday. And that folks has been a blatant lie! Sorry I had to do that, I had to get some attention somehow. So, I've decided to break down what's going on in my mind in sections, so it's relatively clear. And then maybe, I could get some feed back from the 2 people who actually read this (one of them being myself) and put something together. So here goes nothing
Alright, let's get this one started off right! As you the loyal reader knows, ever since movie night last Thursday, my mind has been churning, thinking and trying to figure shit out. I've been searching for answers, reasons, anything that can help me make sense of what happened and maybe give me an inkling on what could happen potentially in the future. First, I'd like to point out that in my blogging, I use the word "potential" a lot (between this site and the site dedicated to the Cubs) so yeah, gotta love that big 'P'-word. So, now that I'm completely sober, I can correctly assess what's gone on since that night. Saturday, the POTENTIAL of a POTENTIAL "date" was set up with the way I handled things after the movie. However, things didn't go as I thought they would. Should I have expected it, sure, for the simple fact that I am a believer (and always have been a believer) that the past is a good indication of what can/will happen in the future, no matter how far removed you are from it. Now did I take it the wrong way, yes and I'll admit that. Did I have a helping hand in that, yes and that was alcohol (a depressant of course.) No reason for me to react the way I did, but it makes sense that that was the way I would react. Well, back to thoughts. So, I did some research because well, there were a lot of questions left unsolved. Those questions involved motivation, whose idea it was, stuff like that. Well, I got some answers. So, the motivation was purely on the part of the guys and girl of floor 14, the friends of the program as I like to call them sometimes. I guess one of them found out she liked me, mentioned something to my roommate and then he put wheels in motion. Now, since then, I don't know what happened. I wish I did, so then I could assess my situation. The night went well, the next days conversation went well, just Saturday night fell through. It's something like THAT that makes me think that my past will tell me what will happen in the future. So, basically since Saturday night fell through, I was hoping that would have been a stepping stone night, but it never came to fruition (or frutation according to my main man Joe Carter.) So here goes nothing, I got a weekend ahead of me with nothing planned. I actually just finished talking to her and she seemed as if she wouldn't be objective to maybe an encounter this weekend. I'll probably ask her if she either wants to go to the game tomorrow or if she wants to go out Saturday, either to Fred's Country Dance Barn or out to the house parties and bars. If she doesn't go out, depending on who goes to Fred's, I'll go. If not it'll be a weekend of rest and relaxation. Time for me to takeover the reins of the game (for now at least.)
So I'm walking back to the dorms, kinda hurrying because it's almost 2 and that means one thing: The Boers and Bernsie Show!!!!! The only thing that I really look forward to when I get back from classes. So I take a look at my phone, says 1:59 so I know it's gonna go on soon and I still gotta start up my computer. I open the door and there's my roommate (who I anticipated should have been at class) and his girlfriend not necessarily fooling around, but yeah, something was going on up there and yeah, traumatized I was. And once again my words were taken out of context and used against me to make me look like a complete IDIOT by my roommate. That isn't the first time that has happened, hell it's happened twice in a relatively short period of time. Let's preface this by taking a look in the past. My roommate's girlfriend sent me a picture of her and her friends at the country barn. Now everyone knows my thing for country girls, so I told her that I was gonna put it as the desktop pic for my laptop. So, my roommate was there and we're talking about the pic, and there's a girl that is really pretty and I mean GORGEOUS and I just don't throw that term around, I'm quite picky for someone like myself. Anyways, I had said that she was hot, he thought that I was saying she was hotter than his gf which I didn't say that, I said she's on her level. So what does HE do? He goes and tells her that I said that her friend was hotter. Not as if it should bother anyone, I'm just saying, you know just to get the facts straight. Anyways yeah, let's just say that statement that wasn't made has been used against me in recent memory. Back to the current statement in which I said "I need to get drunk to get this memory out of me." Now simply put, think about it. Remember Bernstein Principle #1: LISTENING IS A SKILL!!!!! I'll preface this by referencing the Boers and Bernsie show where Berns said that AJ Hawk is dating a transvestite (Brady Quinn's sister because his assessment of Quinn's sister is that she looks like a man) and a caller called and asked "What is this I hear about AJ Pierzynski dating a transsexual?" and then a transsexual called and yeah, just all hell broke out for that show. One of the better shows of recent B&B history. So, back to the story. What I meant by that (which I followed up my statement with a CLEAR explanation of what I meant by it if anyone was listening) was that I wanted to get the vision of what could have happened (cuz it coulda been worse they coulda been fucking) and things of that nature. Need we forget that in the beginning of the year I had a crush on her while he was still with the current ex-girlfriend. And we DID have a conversation about him potentially hooking me up with her. But I guess I shoulda just tried it myself because A) I know him and B) It's happened before where A was supposed to hook me up with B and A hooked himself up with B by talking shit about me. Not a good memory, so let's just think about something. Everytime they're together, I'll be honest, I think about what it would be like if it was me and not him. I said it in the beginning that he didn't deserve her, and that I woulda been a better fit but you know, I guess I was born with too much of a tan for white girls and not enough tan for the black girls. And well latina girls, well let's just say i fell for one once and I have never got up since then. So yeah, chew on that for a moment. So yeah, we have one big ole' misunderstanding that once again, I'm in the middle of it. So, what else is new? I'll end this section with a big ole' LISTENING IS A SKILL!!!!!!!!!
I guess we should begin the Valentine's Day Countdown since I'm being reminded of it left and right ever since NEW YEAR'S DAY! 22 days until Valentine's Day and let's just say I'm ready for a new approach for a day that has haunted me and will probably continue to haunt me until something GOOD happens for a change! I'd like to specifically put last years V-Day massacre, or debacle or whatever in the rear view mirror. I do regret what I did, but I do NOT regret who I liked and I never will, she'll always be special to me. So, I've decided not to get unnecessarily drunk on that day like I did last year. Instead, I have decided to make myself Garlic Alfredo Pasta with chicken for myself, along with one of my famous cheesecakes and I'll hang out in my room and I might throw on a movie or I might play some video games, or heck I might even do some school related activities. I'll just stay away from Valentine's Day. But here's the kicker about the day I despise the most. There's a couple that I hold close to my heart, and both members of the relationship have asked me for assistance in helping them one up the other on Valentine's Day. One wants ideas, and one wants me to make a dish and ask for a MAJOR favor. Now, here's where my mind and my heart play a major role in this. Let's take this into consideration: I had something for this girl and I played a minor role in their hook up. Note that NEITHER knows that either has asked for my help. I'm NOTORIOUS for helping people on Valentine's Day, but this I thought was a little bit of yeah: A) Pulls a little to hard at the heart strings and B) made me feel uncomfortable, actually a better word would be awkward and C) I wouldn't be getting much if anything out of it. I know, I'm not about getting things outta people in return for my services, especially when the dish I am potentially to make its ingredients would be paid for, but that's beyond the point. What isn't beyond the point is this, I talked to some friends about this. Some here in the 'dale and some back in the Chi, you know people I confide in. They say no, and tell them both and tell them how you feel. Remember, I'm notorious for helping people be happy on valentine's day, and I'm notorious for helping my friends in situations like this. But this, I guess was the straw that broke the camels back. The next few weeks should be interesting to say the least
That's it for now folks, I hope you enjoyed today's version of "My So Called College Life: Year 2, Semester 2"

Sunday Stammerings

Well, technically I should probably call this Monday's Mumblings, but I'll leave that for Monday night/Tuesday morning. So, today was quite an interesting day. Not really, I just wanted to write that to make me feel as if I did something important today. Today was quite a dreary day in Carbondale, it was brr and drippy (AKA cold and rainy) and it looked really depressing, it was a depressing day waiting to happen. But the cool thing was that I didn't get depressed. We went to the SIU/ISU game and we won 56-44 extending the home winning streak to 32 games! #2 in the country! Came back from the game, dried off and watched the Steelers win the AFC title game. I played some video games myself, but that was it. Then I watched Jake Delhomme and Steve Smith get dominated by Seattle. Too bad the Bears couldn't do it. Oh well, no need to cry over spilled milk, especially one week old spilled milk.....One of the best things aboout being back at Southern is the Sunday staple, watching Viva La Sex. For someone who's never had sex, it is really interesting to watch because its informing, entertaining and yes, I do have a laugh along the way. So that's back in the fold. And that was my quite uneventful Sunday.
So, I looked back at what happened yesterday and what I wrote and all that good stuff and I did some thinking (which generally ain't a good idea, but I'll deal) but nonetheless I did some thinking. And the conclusion I came up with is that I overreacted. Some say I was drunk off my rocker. I wouldn't go that far, but I was quite depressed. The alcohol didn't help, it actually is what probably made me think my situation was much more worse than it probably actually was, but hey that's how the situation rolls sometimes. I was very disappointed, but what got me the most was that since this year has started, I've been vowing and talking about how I wanted to keep my past in the past and just go forward with things day by day and let's get some new memories (hopefully positive) in the memory bank, and what killed me yesterday was that last nights events were eerily similar to events of the past. Hell, it was the past revisited. In fact, it was too much like everything in the past that has happened between me and a girl, it was just too much at that time. So she sent me a text message saying she went out with her girls last night, which I guess I can't be mad about. I also took a very negative approach to everything and yeah, big mistake. Well, at least I didn't blow up to her. There's enough time for other things to happen in the future, I put too much stock into one night. And if this doesn't work out, well then it's time to move on. Oh hindsight is 20/20.

Good night from Carbondale, until tomorrow!

Sunday, January 22, 2006

2nd Post of the night

And with my second post of the night, let's play my favorite game WHY DO I... where i finish the sentence/statement WHY DO I?

WHY DO I...let myself get myself into these situations?
WHY DO I...continuously put myself into a situation in which I am guaranteed to fail?
WHY DO I...continuously fail?
WHY DO I...let myself become optimistic when I know the specific outcome?
WHY DO I...subject myself to failure?
WHY DO I...not learn from the past and accept it as a hint of what's going to happen in the future?
WHY DO I...not react correctly when I KNOW WHAT'S COMING?
WHY DO I...let my surroundings dictate how I feel?
WHY DO I...continue to believe that change is coming?
WHY DO I...not see what's coming to me?
WHY DO I...attempt to change what is seemingly the inevitable?
WHY DO I...always seem to be the butt of the joke?
WHY DO I...always seem to fail?
WHY DO I...even try anymore?
WHY DO I...continue to put up with my own futility?
WHY DO I...think that anyone cares?

I don't know what happened tonight. Actually, I do know what happened, and I do know what didn't happen, and that's what's got me down. I feel like i've been had again. It's like I shoulda seen tonight coming from a mile away and I decided to ignore the signs and I was hoping, but hoping led to nothing, as usual.
So I realize that whenever I need someone to talk to there seemingly is no one around. And when people need someone to talk to, I'm there. Figures that as I sign off for the night, I turn on the TV and there's the 40 year old virgin. Hey, in 6 months, I'll be half way there!