Friday, March 24, 2006

Feeling Better

I'd like to preface this blog by saying DUKE LOST TO LSU AS I PREDICTED!!!!!!! That's the most of my good mood tonight. Now to the good stuff.
So my roomie and I had a bit of a sit-down conversation tonight. That was good, it was needed. I honestly thought it wouldn't happen tonight, especially after the Duke loss. He's a major Duke fan and took it exceptionally hard. But I finally got him to sit down and have a convo with me, and it went relatively well. It was basically about ditching me last night and how it was so blatant and how I was so upset how things went down especially after our talk how disappointed I was. I basically let my feelings out there, it was my version of putting him in his place. I'm not the kind of person who's confrontational but if I have an issue I'd like to at least speak my peace. He understood where I was coming from, so hopefully this won't be happening any time soon.
Wanna know how I'm looking forward to this dance, well I'm actually counting down the days. 8 days til the dance. I'm looking forward too it no matter the circumstances as of right now. I want to go out there dance my butt off, show my date a good time, make her happy and for myself to have a good time. I'm thinking positively about this, it's the only way I'll survive it. So I've inquired about this girl, and by that I mean I want to know if I have a chance and in all honesty it's up in the air, so who knows what's going on. I've been getting advice from my peeps and it's come with mixed results with both good and bad ideas. All I really want to do is make her feel good, actually I want her to feel special, c'mon she's going on a date with me. I don't know if I can call this a date. The way I see it to me it's a Louie Showcase night. I love Showcase Night's because basically I show myself off to peeps make myself look good and yeah good things generally come out of it. I'm kinda crushing over this girl a little, she's cute. But I'm not gonna force anything and most importantly I'm not going to pressure myself into doing stupid things to win this girl over. Basically my game plan is to be myself and present myself in the best way possible. In my mind I got ideas, small little sweet things I can do for her before the dance like flowers, candy, booze was mentioned but I don't wanna get her wasted I'm not that desperate.
In the end as long as I go into this thing with the right mindset I'm gonna be in for one great night!
Good night from Carbondale where I'm in a much better mood except for the Gonzaga loss where the refs just gave the game to UCLA in the last 3 minutes. Poor Morrison, it's okay you'll be leading the Bulls to the promise land soon hopefully. I can see it now: Hinrich, Gordon & Morrison--those three could average 55-60 points a game that would be sweet!!!!

Thursday, March 23, 2006

My Mind On Paper, Or In This Case OnLine

So yeah an interesting day in Carbondale. I went most of the day without internet access which totally sucked. Didn't go to the rec, which totally sucked because yeah can't get into softball shape without getting out. And in the end my thoughts are quite similar to those of last night, though somewhere there is upside.
I talked to my prospective date tonight and there's good news on that front: she's looking forward to it. In my eyes, that's wonderful because really it's less pressure on me to make EVERYTHING go well. Don't get me wrong I still want everything perfect, but the fact that she's looking forward to this it's got me psyched for this dance that not too long ago I wasn't going to go to. And for good reason, I had no date and the dance is still on April Fool's Day. I'm still waiting for that to catch up with me, I'm hoping it doesn't but I'm a realist for the most part (except when it comes to the Cubs cuz every year's our year.)
Roommate's: can't live with 'em and without them you have to pay for a single and that's just too damn much.....yeah sounds like it's out of left field, but if you've read the blog enough you know that for a majority of the time my roommie and I are at odds, especially recently. It's funny because I was back at SIU for an hour when I was already mad at him for not properly cleaning out and defrosting the fridge which was one of his few responsibilities that I left for him to do before spring break. The fridge grew mold with melted popsicle's and yeah it wasn't pretty. It's quite embarassing. Boy oh boy I tell you with this kid if you want anything done you do it yourself or you attatch a female and the hint of a sexual favor and it might get done. Sorry to throw him under the bus like that but really I don't know if I should care anymore. I can't help but to think about that chat we had not too long ago, actually it was the night of his birthday actually it was in the wee-hours of March 8th, the wee-morning hours at that. The statement's still fresh in my head "When you need to put me in my place." *sighs* that's just asking for confrontation. Even when I did want to put him in his place it's not like he takes our conversations seriously. Okay that was a random tangent I'll try to get back on track here.
In principle I should be happy with my arrangements that I currently have. I have a roommate but he's hardly ever here, in fact it's been about a month since he's slept in his own bed which is really quite amazing, yet not shocking if you know him. I really wonder if he was like this with his other girlfriends. Well I have an inkling to that answer and my inkling says yes, but I should/could/might do some research on this, because right now I'm bothered. Once again I'll go back to the conversation me, him and his gf had that one night and we talked about how things are and really now that I'm thinking about it that was really a waste of time, energy, ideas and breathe because really we ended up in the same situation the very next day. Maybe it's just that I don't understand things. Well this is how I see things. He absolutely smothers her. He spends a majority of his time with her. I'd absolutely love to say that he spends every waking moment with her and I bet if he had the chance he would, but there is something called classes that peeps have to go to. And really they say that most of the time they're not spending time with each other however they're spending time in each others presence which in principle is the same difference as we used to say back in the day. So that's my perception of him. My perception of her in this well it's quite simple. She's the friend of the group that became one of the group members girlfriend. She says that she wants to be one of the guys still but that's quite an impossible task when the group is changed when two of the members start dating. Things change and when things change people change whether you like it or not. Things have obviously changed and yet she still wants things to be the same though that's as likely as a Devil Rays championship. And now that things have changed she's been upset quite a few times about it but really if it bothered anyone they'd go out and make attempts to change it. Me, well here's my view on me. Me, I'm an idiot. I put too much stock in people. Whether it's their words, their actions whatever it is I put too much into it. I give everyone the benefit of the doubt whether they're right or wrong. I'm a friend to too many in a sense that I know too much and since I'm able to look at things from multiple points of view people may either A) not agree or B) not be happy with it or C) not understand or possibly D) all of the above. My issues also have to do with my own insecurities which this college setting doesn't do a good job of keeping me away from myself and my insecurities. In fact it heightens my awareness of them and reminds me of them constantly.
So where did this all come from, well here it goes. Tonight was supposed to be movie night/Sopranos night. The movie night idea came before we went to dinner. The plan was to come back from dinner and watch 'Hitch' before 8 o'clock when the Soprano's was supposed to air. Well, let's just say two of these members ditched me. On top of that I think they were trying to pull a fast one on me because really I knew what was going on and I knew that it was going to happen. And after that it's just like "I'm not stupid, there's no reason to lie to me or beat around the bush." Seriously, we're all adults (age wise of course) most of us can handle the truth. If not, oh well fuck it. I sometimes wish I could just go back to the times where I was king of the cheap shots and quit caring about shit. I really wish I could quit caring about girls as much as I do. But really I have no choice being a male college student at a campus that has a party tradition that rivals the Yankee's championship traditions. All I know is that I was ditched, which is an absolute slap to the face. Am I taking it too serious? Yes, because this wasn't supposed to happen again, yet it always happens.
AND ANOTHER other issue with myself is that I'm too selfish. It's obvious that I'm too selfish of a friend. I really wish I had my Chi-town swagger because it's obvious I leave it in the Chi every time I hop on that 6 hour train ride.
SCATTER brain is sooo scattered and on top of that I'm going through a severe case of writers block. Usually my poetry gets me through these times however I can only get snippets on the paper and really they're not making any sense when they're put together. It's really killing me here. I'm overly stressed and my one stregnth I can't even get to it. It's too much right now. As of now I just want to be loved and I want to go back to the city where people are relatively normal and much more mature and in a much better situation than I currently am.
AND ON TOP OF THAT he doesn't even know/understand why I'm upset. Boy oh boy, he's either dense or that whooped. Oh and I had to note that I was to take notes on how to pick up a girl randomly. Let's check my notes on what I learned. A) Get yourself on TV B) Free use of a car, free trip to Panama Beach, new wardrobe, free dinner and a VIP party are all good things to have when looking to attract droves of women, however most if not all are unattainable C) listen to a stylish black guy he can do no wrong D) Confidence is everything but if you have nowhere to derive your confidence from you're screwed.
MY CONCLUSION: In the end I might as well give up on love because it's not like it quit on me, it just never showed up...

Wednesday, March 22, 2006

The Joys of Being Single

Yeah, that's one of the more sarcastic blog title's I've used in a long time. That's the fun about being in Carbondale really. Sometimes I think to myself: why do I have these thoughts here? Really, sometimes Carbondale brings the worst out of me. On top of that, I'm tired and sleepy and have a busy rest of the week ahead of me and I feel as if I'm constantly wasting my time. I really could use that extra week of spring break. My proposal to the school is one less week of winter break and one more week of spring break. Really, all I need is 2 weeks at home: Christmas week and New Years Week, the other week we should be able to chill or something. Maybe the school should institute dead week the first week of every new semester to get that first week feeling of laziness out of the way. It could probably lead to a more productive school year to be honest.
It's funny, I really enjoy my time at home, yet I've travelled six hours out of my way to be away from the city and my people. I wonder about myself a lot of times, like what the fuck was I thinking. Though I must say sometimes the experiences aren't completely great, the people I've met here have been worth the trip, really.
But back to the basics and why I'm writing this. But before I must note that I did not have any of these feelings while I was home. Maybe it's being around thousands of people your age all the time that brings the frustrations of being single around. I don't have that problem in the Chi. Hell when I wanna go out and see some eye candy, I hop in the Pimpala and cruise DePaul's campus, it worked quite well last week when I was home. Okay, enough of that back to what's been tugging at my brain for a while now. Yeah that dance, oh that dance, I got my tickets but I still can't help but to think that I'm not taking the right girl. However, I feel that I am taking the right approach by not getting my hopes up for anything, keeping an even kiel approach to the dance, and taking the "just friends" point of view. However, you get to a point in your life where you don't want to be "just friends" anymore, you want more. I talked to my cousin Kristin who said things to the extent: you can either go after it or you could live the rest of your life thinking what could have been. I think the word that actually was used was risk. I'm already thinking "what could have been" with two girls that play prominant roles in my life, especially my past and especially when it comes to relations with other girls. I really don't want to go through that stage anymore. On the other hand, whenever I tell a girl how I feel it's usually not mutual and boom, there goes the friendship. So on one hand since last year's Valentine's Day debacle I've been good about keeping my mouth shut about girls I like and keeping friendships. However it hasn't gotten me anywhere and I've seen several good girls and good opportunities go by the wayside because my passive nature when it comes to them. It's quite similar to the phrase that is often used in sports "playing not to lose rather than playing to win" which basically defines a conservative nature in which you're trying to prevent the other team from winning rather than putting the finishing touches (going for the throat if you will) on your opponent. In dating terms it's a bit of a difficult translation but I'll try. For example there's a girl I was interested in dating, however it was quite clear that she wasn't interested in me in that way. Granted had I said the right things and made the right moves she could have been mine. However I didn't want to take unwanted advances for nothing and risk a perfectly good frienship. So on one hand we're friends, but on the other hand I wish there was more. Really, who doesn't get that feeling in life? I used to think I was being greedy by asking a girl who's my friend to also date me on top of that. However, according to my peeps relationships with friends work. Contrary to what my other people say they can work fine, however the key is (which is the key in all relationships) is that you both have to want it to work. It's all a two-way street. You go into the relationship saying it's gonna fail because we've been such close friends then it's probably gonna fail. That's my "defeatist attitude" theory. If you think the worst can happen, the worst will happen. Other joys of being single include the friend zone, which I touch on in statements between the lines and the "you're like a (insert family member) to me..." but who hasn't gotten that in their life. My cousin/guy Tony says that as long that I'm the good influence on girls, they'll never be attracted to me. I think it makes sense, well it's worked for him cuz really he's not the best influence in the world and he's been in a relationship for four years so obviously he's doing something right.
You know now that I think of it, I'm gonna seriously have sit down conversations with my people who are in relationships and ask them how they got them and how they keep them in tact. Seriously, I'll do it and I'll get back to it.
Well since I'm tired and totally missed the boat on where I was taking all of this I'll try to summarize quickly. Wow I do a lot of jumping off the topic, I feel like a politician. So here's my issue: I don't know if I'm taking the right girl. Granted both girls are great choices, in fact in theory any girl would be a good choice, however I have my doubts. Maybe it's cuz I'm a pessimist, but I have my doubts still. I have a slight interest in each girl, one more than another, but the one I'm going with really was set up by a friend who wants to see me happy. The girl I wanted to take, I probably could have set it up myself, but there go the doubts in my head, the crossing the line doubts. Actually I wouldn't mind crossing the line with either, both are pretty cool gals. In the end I've made a decision (to an extent) and I guess I have to stick with it. In the end it might be a mistake. I just hope not.
Good night from Carbondale where my thoughts are more mixed than a bowl of scrambled eggs.

Tuesday, March 21, 2006

Spring Break Recap

As the song goes: "It's been one week since you looked at me..." And yes it has been one week since I've blogged because spring break doesn't let me blog. Yes, there's more down time but there's less to write about, so I'm gonna take this opportunity to recap my spring break.
FRIDAY: The most uneventful of the Spring Break days because all I did was take a 6 hour train ride from Carbondale to Chicago, talk to the parents and play some video games that I haven't played in forever.
SATURDAY: Saturday was a turning point, not a Spring Break make or break kind of turning point, but something that might turn some things around while I'm back in Carbondale. I took my mom to the mall to get her nails done and usually while she gets her nails done I do some window shopping. Well this session of window shopping turned into a new outfit and a revelation. The new outfit, a nice button-up shirt with some black jeans. The relevation takes a bit more of an explanation. So there's this dance coming up at school, it's a formal dance in the mold of a prom or a homecoming, a dance of that nature. So it intrigued me to the point where I wanted to go, however the issue I had was that I didn't have a date. I'm not a believer of going stag to formals such as prom. The only reason people go to prom stag is to "keep their options open" and that only works for girls. Girls go 'stag' to keep their options open to either A) take guys from their perspective dates B) Get around ;-) if you catch my drift and C) aren't looking for anything in particular that night. Guys go stag, the only reason guys go stag is because they couldn't get a date, plain and simple. I didn't wanna be one of those guys. Heck, each time I went to prom (both junior and senior year of high school) I had one of the hottest girls there, so you really can't blame me if I don't wanna go stag after going with too beautiful girls in two different years. So, while I was window shopping I saw a nice khaki colored suit while my moms response was "my son's a black man" my response was "I forget one thing about myself, I look really good in a suit!" My moms response to that was "I'd hook you up if you had a date." There was my issue, I talked to my roomie and his girl and decided that I had options, options I was previously unaware of. And now, bang! I got a date, now for the suit. That would come later.
SUNDAY: Sunday was a big day. It was selection Sunday and it was the first episode of the Sopranos. Selection Sunday was cool, but I felt the Valley (The Missouri Valley Conference) was completely jobbed of at least one, if not two teams. In hindsight the the committee did a good job selecting teams because the last two teams in (George Mason and Bradley) are in the sweet 16. But I think Missouri State should have been in ahead of the Air Force. Creighton shoulda been there but I can't find a team they should've replaced. The only issue I really had with the committee was the seeding. I agree with Wichita State's seeding as a 7 seed because they won the conference outright during the regular season. I don't agree with our seeding at all or where they placed North Carolina (noticeably two of my favorite teams) I'll also say that U of I got jobbed and so did Gonzaga when it came to the committee seeding. Carolina should have been placed in the Duke bracket as the 3 seed switching with Iowa who really got an unnecessary boost for winning the Big 10 tourney for a team taht was highly overrated all year. On top of that, the committee is always talking about trying to keep teams close to home. You kept Duke in Greensboro, NC so why couldn't you do the same for UNC? Lemme guess, because they're not Duke. Gonzaga should have gotten Tennessee's 2-seed which they didn't deserve and that was proved when Wichita beat them. Oh yeah I found the team that Creighton shoulda replaced, Seton Hall the team that Wichita beat by 20 points. Here comes the SIU shafting here. An 11 seed against West Virginia? The absolute biggest mis-match in the tournament pitting the experience and the size of West Virginia who's starting 5 was on last year's Elite 8 team that was only minutes away and a miraculous Lousiville comeback away from a Final Four date against an undersized, underexperienced, and undermanned team in SIU. SIU woulda been a better match up switching wth fellow MVC team Northern Iowa (10-seed) against Georgetown. Maybe an 8 or 9 seed, but yeah screwed! The Sopranos' was excellent.
MONDAY: Boring, filled out some tourney brackets which got lost somehow in the mess I know as my room. I cleaned it later, played some video games and that was really it.
TUESDAY: Watched Idol with my cousin, have two current crushes on Idol: the country girl that really is pretty dumb and Katie who's got a killer voice to go along with a killer figure. Played my cousin in baseball an for the first time ever I beat him!!!
WEDNESDAY: Pretty boring in anticipation of the NCAA tournament.
THURSDAY: Lunch with my sister, did some talking caught up on some things and enjoyed. I spent the day really watching the NCAA tournament in the comfort of my own home. Had Tony, Mike and Brian come over to watch the Illini demolish the Air Force. That's so un-American of U of I not to let Air Force win. We had pizza played some NCAA college hoops and that was the night.
FRIDAY: I was supposed to go suit shopping early with my mom, but then my roomie came over to watch the SIU game. Unfortunately we were demolished by 20+ points in the mismatch of the year. It was quite a depressing game. Towards the end it seemed like they were fatigued and quit caring. But the broadcast team of Verne Lunquist and Bill Raftery had nothing but good things to say about SIU whether it was about Jamaal Tatum's aggressiveness when it comes to scoring, the defensive presence of Bryan Mullins, the inside play of Falker and Shaw, the dominance over the last 5 years of the Salukis over the MVC or the stifiling defense the Salukis and overall the Valley play. However all that was no match for a team that hit 60% of their threes and 90% of their foul shots. On top of that my roomie didn't leave, he stayed over for most of the night. We played video games watch some more tourney games and even had dinner. Friday night, despite the loss was the highlight of the week.
SATURDAY: Went suit shopping with mom, bought a new suit and I look supa-fly. I can't wait to reveal it on dance night. Went shopping with mom after that and later watched some tourney games before I went to visit Anna who I only visited once, and it was an absolute suprise to the both of us, it was a spur of the moment.
SUNDAY: I'll start with early Sunday morning where we spent the night driving down lake shore drive taking pictures. I spent my day packing and getting ready for the 6 hour train ride. Unfortunately it was a long train ride. Not only wa my university eliminated, but my favorite team the University of North Carolina Tar Heels was eliminated by friggin George Mason, that made it a sad trip down to Carbondale.
And that was my vacation. I'll get to other issues later.