Wednesday, April 13, 2005

My name is Luis and I have a problem

Due to recent developments and occurences in my life, I have now realized I have a problem. In fact, I have several problems. I have a problem controlling my rage. I also have problems with controlling my emotions. I also have problems handling stress. I also have problems with my own self. I have confidence issues as well to top all that. I also have a problem with letting go of the past. I guess I should address all of these issues now. If you know me, I have a lot of rage, and most of it is rage that builds over time. And somethimes when the wrong thing gets said at the wrong time, I flip out. I loser my mind. I become very aggressive in these situations. When it comes to controlling my emotions it's tough because I wear my emotions on my sleeve. I have a lot of emotions that are always going through my mind and it is very difficult to control them all at once. Problem here is when one emotion stands out, thats another situation in which my mind becomes imbalanced and I guess you can say I lose my mind. Handling stress is something I have been doing for years, but this year it has been uncontrollable at times. I dealt with it all semester, maybe that's the problem. Maybe a lot of my stress this semester is stress built from first semester and it's just all leaving me now because I am at a point where I can handle no more stress. Whethere it's school, home, social life, college, or life in general, all of the stress in my life has hit me all at one time at that is one reason I am going through the problems I am currently facing. When it comes to the past it's hard to let something go when it follows you. Life's problems have followed me from Chicago to Carbondale, I'm convinced. Now I do believe in curses, jinxes, hexes and things of that nature. How do I break whatever-the-hell I have that's plaguing me, I have no clue, but I'll figure it out when it happens. I'm convinced my past failures go along with the problems I am currently having. I wish I could just put it in the past, bury it, blow it up, serve it in spaghetti sauce...something as long as it doesn't bother me ever again. Confidence issues, they are self explanitory. The single life is good, but it takes its toll sometimes. Sometimes it's great, sometimes it just hurts when you see everyone but yourself happy. And that's what really gets to me is that inevitable question: "Why can't I be happy?" And I see everyone but me being happy with someone else. In some situations it I feel like when you see someone cheating and winning while you're playing by the rules and struggling around .500. It's a sports metaphore, sports fans get it. When it comes to women, absolutely nothing has gone right this year, and sure, women aren't everything, but in college it is. And even here it isn't but so much is made out of it, it sickedns me and causes me once again to have a meltdown. All of this combined has led to several "mental breakdowns" in the past few weeks. It started a month ago and since then I have gotten worse and worse. Last night was probably the worst because I don't rememeber what happened. I started playing around, goofing off with my roommate, then something happened in which something hit one of those depressive chords in my head and I went off. Then I ultimately calmed down and went to bed crying myself to sleep. I don't know what else happened, I'll be filled in later. My roommie wants me to get counseling or something like a shrink, but those things cost money. And if my parents ever knew what was going on down here with me, they'd probably be really scared and possibly would pull me outta school. Cuz i was never like this before. Well, thanks for hearing me out. If you can help me in anyway, it would be highly appreciated. Thank you.

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