Sunday, March 06, 2005

Lou Hits Rock Bottom

Friday night was absolutely the worst night I've had since I've been down here at SIU-Carbondale. Absolute insanity it was. So crazy, I had flashbacks to four years ago. That's not good. First of all, I left to go out Friday night, DRUNK AS HELL! Like, thats the state I should have been in on my way back, no that's how I left. I had 5 whiskey and cokes which had two shots of whiskey each. And then I took 3 other whiskey shots. Do the math, thats 13 shots of whiskey. When I got to the pit (oh, I went wit steve, just so you don't think I went by myself) I had a stone sour (amaretta and OJ). But later, maybe 20 minutes later, I bought two drinks, another stone sour to go along with a screwdriver (vodka& OJ). I was big time double clutching. Except that the screwdriver was basically orange colored vodka, which made it oh so delicious. Then, the "Liquor Ladies" as my boy Nick would call them, you know, the hoes that pass out the "Mystery Shots" as I call them in test tubes, came to me and I took two shots of whatever the hell they were giving out. As I made steve hold my drinks, which were almost done. Those two shots were almost the end of me. Steve thought I was gonna puke, I thought I was gonna pass out. But that don't happen easy with me. Why? Because I was on a mission. I was already drunk, I needed to finish the job. Steve finished whatever I had left of those drinks. He combined them to make a "Stone Screwdriver." Let's move on to moments I remember. Oh yeah, there was jailbait again at the pit, and they tried dancing up on me, but I was drinkin. I've got a lil motto for them: "15 to 20 minutes ain't worth 16 to 20 years!" Dats me, and there's two things I want from my love life. I want to remember my first time, and I don't want any tampered first time (that means no hookers and no jailbait!) Next moment, um, some guy pushed me and I almost spilled my drink. I was talkin to my guy Gabe and he's like "Who pushed you, we'll go beat his ass...let's go." That was funny, the want to beat someone's ass just cuz they almost spilled my drink. Oh, I danced with a friend of mine, and let's just say, if not for the pole I was up against, I probably woulda collapsed. I was too drunk to be standing on my own feet. I was drunk when i left the dorms, now it was time for my return. Steve was going to leave me to go to the bars, so I had to call someone to come and pick me up at Jimmy Johns. It was funny, cuz let's see the events that led up to that. I got offered X and thesed dudes in the middle of the street offered to give me bottled beer...but that's when I walked into Jimmy John's. Once again, I cannot afford a public drunkeness ticket. Not on the salary of $0.00, not a chance, so I gotta keep it clean. So, refer back to last weeks walk back, that's who I called to get me, the girl. When she met me at Jimmy John's I offered to buy her a sandwich, she refused. Oh yeah, about Jimmy John's. My friends swore up and down that the girl who lived across the hall worked there, I supposedly acted like I didn't know her. How embarassing, funny, yet damn, that's how fucked up I was. Well, she walked me back to the dorms and we had a long chat. just like last time, but it was just me and her, no cellphones, no other friends, just me and her. And I told her a lot, but I kept mentioning that when we got back that I need to talk to her just me and her, alone. I think she knew what was up...she probably knew more than me, but thats only cuz I was drunk. When we finally got back, she said she wanted to go finish her movie, but I wanted to finish the job, I wanted my conversation...alone. I kicked everyone out of my room and locked the door. When everything was settled, I finally let it all go. I professed my love to her, and I mean profess as in I didn't pull the "I really really really really like you" deal again. I told her that I wanted to be more than friends. Then came the drunken rampage. And it wasn't angry, but it was depressive, buecause I just let four (nearly five) years of depression hit me all at once. I feel bad, cuz I let her have it. I pleaded my case in so many ways. I asked so many questions and said so many things like. It's obviously my fault and some other shit. I remember her saying things that other girls have told me and I remember telling her that other girls have told me that before and that I want us to be different. She said it wasn't me, that it was her. Once again, I took it personal. I also took that time to clear up some things that happened last week. But then, I did something I haven't done in a long time. I cried, I bawled my fuckin eyes out. I called myself a loser, a failure. And why, because of a girl. If not for my roommate, I don't know what woulda happened to me. I was too out of it to know what was going on. I got the lecture of my life time and how I wasn't a failure because I've made it farther than where I was supposed to be. That my roommate doesn't associate with failures, that he isn't friends with failures. That I shouldn't judge the value of my life by women, because guys like me are gonna end up with good jobs and families and happy in the end while people that I described in my drunken rant will end up "jacking off to porn by themselves in their parents basement." To think about last night, I want to cry again. As I told her last night, if I could have one thing, I wish I could turn back the clock to the beginning of the year where I knew no one and I was a neutral party, before all of this. I want to start over, I want to start everything over. Hell if we can, can we go back to seventh grade, I'll do it all over again. I'll study harder, I'll fix my past mistakes with girls and I'll do the things I should've done, personally, school wise and with women. Problem is that I wouldn't be here, writing this. That is what makes reality the best thing. You have to live life day-to-day and deal with what's given to you. Do I like this girl? Yes. Do I love her? Now I do, but what is there to say that I don't find someone better tomorrow. I can't believe I talked suicide last night. I said lotsa things last night that I wish I could've just taken back. To close this blog session, I have to say a few things. All I ever wanted was one chance with her because good girls like her deserve good people like me (not drunken me) but me as the normal good hearted me...Not the assholes they generally end up with. I also would like to thank my roommate who took care of me. I'm glad that someone out there understands me besides myself and that he was able to deal with me. No one else could've dealt with me without pummeling me, but he did. He doesn't know how much I appreciate it, but I do. And I would like to thank the blog, for without you, I'd be a bundle of depressed rage combined with a binge drinker pushing alcoholism. That's not the life I want for myself. So, now with spring break 5 days away, I need to move on from this situation. But this is gonna be hard, because this has "The one that got away" written all over it...again. And I'm tired of going through this shit. I'm tired of being second fiddle. I'm tired of just being a "good friend". I'm tired of being single while everyone else is happy. As I said last night, again, quoting myself, "I just want to be happy again." If there is someone out there that can bring me happiness, bring it to me. Until then, I'll go back to February 26th, Championship Saturday. The last pure happiness moment I've had in a long time. Holla at a playa when you see him in the street.

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