Saturday, April 02, 2005

Tonight Sucked

Wow, tonight sucked. I went out and i didn't even wanna go out. I was kinda feelin it cuz i was gonna be rockin one of my new buttonups, but then it changed to jersey night--kinda killed my groove. I went out for no reason really. To go get some, I laugh, last week kinda killed me, killed my confidence and shit like that. But this week the Cherry Pit was poppin...if your name was R. Kelly. So many damn high school girls there, I was str8 pissed off tonite. Horrible, this is one of the few times I went out and I don't have a story, why cuz it absolutely sucked. I'm sick of everything down here, I wish school would just end. I'm sick of going to the same place every weekend with the same results. I'm sick of being in this situation everytime I come back from being out. I didn't even get drunk tonight. So to recap: not drunk, no girl, no crazy story. Sucky night to me sounds like. Oh and the Cubs lost...motherfuckers! If they suck this year, its gonna be the worst year or my life. The Cubs are the only thing that can save me now. I was watching SportsCenter and everyone's riding the Cardinals and I'm jus gonna let them love the Cards cuz everyone was ridin the Cards in 03 when the Cubs had their run, so lets do it again, lets use it as bulletin board material and show them that the Cards last night were a damn fluke. Oh yeah, I think I need me a new crew. I love the people I hang around, they cool as hell, but they're on a totally different level than I am, and I kinda feel inferior to them. All of them got steady girls and me I aint got nothin, so I feel bad. Those guys can pull hoes like its no ones business, I can't even pull my own weight. WHy is it every time I drink, I think. Thinking makes my head hurt, my heart heavy and I end up being pissed off. I fucked this year up totally. It all started with picking a bad roommate, it just didnt work. Granted I wouldn't have the roommate I have now or the roommate I'm gonna have next year, but let me divulge. I was too much of myself, I shoulda asserted my self, but I don't know how to do that, its kinda hard though when its me. I cant help being what I am. I'm resigned to the fact that I'll only be a friend to every girl I'll know and if i ever do get with a girl, I'ma be one and done. That's gonna suck, unless she's the absolute soul mate that I'm lookin for, but thats highly unlikely. I wish I could be someone I'm not, then life would be so much easier. I'm not gonna say that I regret anything that happened this year. Because I don't because if i did things would be totally different than what they currently are. Would I change some things...sure, who wouldn't change anything about they're college experience. Like, when professing my love, I'd rather not be drunk. No matter what pain i woulda been in, I'd rather be taken seriously and rejected than being rejected and drunk. Secondly, I would've not put all my eggs in one basket. Since the beginning of the year I had my eyes on one girl and one girl only. I've come to realize that THIS IS NOT HIGH SCHOOL!!!! THIS IS NOT GRAMMAR SCHOOL!!! Shit down here is serious. Girls honestly are worst than guys, they wanna get that D more than guys wanna pop dat cherry. And I aint all about that shit, dont get me wrong, but damn college changes you for the worst when it comes to that shit. I used to not have a problem with myself being a virgin. I used to not have confidence problems. I used to not be so self conscious. I used to not be like this. I never cared that I wasn't in a relationship in high school. Now, hell, I care more about what happened wit girls in high school than I did when I was in high school. Finally, I'd like to end this by setting some new goals for myself. Scrap the whole "i need to get laid" angle. Let shit fall where they may because in the end, I'll get mine. Second, I will refocus myself to school. Less time partying, less time drunk as hell, more time hittin the books and doing whats important. Thirdly, I want to be out more. I want to be more active with myself. Whether its a softball league, playing catch or just shootin some hoops at the rec. I need to not be lazy. Fourth step I'm gonna do, and this will be done over the summer, I am gonna reasses myself. I'm just gonna take a deep look into the mirror and loook at what I am, what I was, what I have become and what I want to be. Fifth, I'm goin back to being old school me, no matter what anyone thinks. I'm not gonna be what people expect of me or what people think I should be. Now that means I'm not gonna have a million one night stands, wake up in random rooms, walk random drunk girls home, I won't be pullin hoes and I won't be, but who cares. As long as I'm happy, who the fuck cares!

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