Friday, April 28, 2006

Long Time No Blog

Wow, it's been a while, but rather than fill you in with old news and stuff that happened in the last week or so, I'll go to tonights pressing issues:
  • Let's get the good news out of the way first. BULLS WIN! BULLS WIN! BULLS WIN! The Bulls played well in Miami, but not well enough and in crucial game 2, they handed it to the Heat and it was great to watch!!!! Ben Gordon (aka B-Geezy) was fire, Andres Nocioni was fire, Luol Deng was ill, it was just a fun basketball game to watch. And on top of that, the defense showed up. Here's hoping they show up for game 4 and beyond. It actually felt good to see Michael Jordan, His Airness himself, in the building actively cheering on the Bulls. I wish he'd be more active in recruiting all-stars to the Bulls. I think he's back because the cancer of the organization AKA Jerry Krause is gone. For a while I've wanted to talk about the Bulls draft/Free agency this summer, but not while the playoffs are still going on with the Bulls in them. LET'S GO BULLS!!!
  • Other good news: last weekend was pretty good. I got to spend good quality time with some friends, family and a lot of good ol' fashioned relaxing time. I also led UNC to three final fours and 1 national championship in my college hoops 2k6 and the team I left was a #2 seed going into the tourney, so I'll be looking forward to that.
  • Alright, now to the sappy part of the blog. I'm really tired of these lonely Carbondale nights. I was randomly laying in bed just laying there in silence and I was thinking to myself "it'd be nice if someone was laying here with me, talking or whatever." That'd be nice, however as I think about it the school year is almost over. 10 school days left until I'm off to St. Louis for the weekend and then starting May 15th is the always highly anticipated "Summer of Chi." As I think about it, the whole lonely night thing isn't gonna change any time soon when I'm back at home. Maybe it'll be the comfort of 98.7 FM classical music station playing in the background as I sleep. Or the queen size bed that's in my room that I can sprawl all over. I don't know what it is, but I must say I've had some comfortable sleep since I've been back in Carbondale. It's because I'm rested for the stretch run. But back to what I was saying, I'm sick of it. And really I have no one to blame but myself. Really it's just bad timing and bad execution. This year I've seen every girl I've "crushed over" get a boyfriend, and no that boyfriend wasn't me. I've seen opportunities come and go and in the end I'm stuck where I started the year, heck, where I've been for years. I sometimes wish I was more active with girls in high school, I never figured I had anything to offer them. I feel the same way about girls while I'm here. The whole "nice guy"/"friend" routine just don't cut it here in Carbondale. I wonder sometimes if I'm cut out for college life. I think that my personality clashes with what girls want, especially college girls. I'm nearly back in that frame of mind in which I don't know what I want anymore. In the beginning I didn't know, then I got to a point where I knew what I wanted but I let that opportunity go and now I'm back to the "I don't know what I want" mindset. Well, it's more like I know what I want, I just don't know where to get it, and if I did know where to get it, I don't know how I'd go about getting it. People say I've had my chances and that I just haven't taken advantage of them. I guess I'm not good at taking advantage of those situations. I don't know what's wrong with me. To quote Jason Biggs character 'Jim' from American Pie "Maybe that part is just missing from my brain" and he's talking about that whole talking to girls part. I seriously think I can attest to that being gone from my brain. I just want to be loved. I know my family loves me, and my friends love me, but that's a different kind of love. The thing is, I never got that "puppy love" that shit you go through in grammar school. I never had that "high school sweetheart" that I can always say "that was the one" while reminiscing. And now I'm in college, where a majority of people who didn't meet their "one and only" in high school, come to meet their mate. Unless a miracle happens in the next two weeks, these first two years of college might as well have been thrown down the drain. Sure, I'm a year wiser, yet I feel like I'm still a year behind the game. In fact upon further review I'm two phases behind the game. I'll kinda feel bad for my first girlfriend, that's a lot of pressure for her, let alone the pressure I'll have to not screw up. Heck, I get butterflies just thinking about it. You know what it is, it's the whole college virgin thing that still bothers me. Sometimes I can't help but to feel like the only one there. Sometimes the Cam'ron line "the last hope is me" just randomly runs through my head and then I think "hey, the last of the college virgins." Well, at least in my friend circle. I've heard some of the more devoted college virgins go down, and it's not like I'm even one of those "I want to wait unitl marriage" virgins, I just don't want it to be with some random hoesbag that I'll regret doing it with. Some people would call me picky and just say get it over with, some applaud my patience, some do both. Now that's a confusing situation. I think the more that others have sex around me, the more critical I become of the act itself, and the more I turn into the 40 year-old virgin. And deep down within me, it's not even about sex, it's about love. And as corny as that sounds, it's true to the core. I want to be able to tell someone I love them and mean it and have them say that back. Heck, let's scale it down to the point in which someone can care about me in the same way in which I care about them. My stress and stuff comes from that deep pit of me, the part of me that feels unloved and that wants to be loved. The part that is envious of every happy couple, every happy ending, and every love song and love story. It's the part that's the cynic that doesn't believe that will ever happen to me. And in the end, who knows what the fuck is up. And despite all the crushes I've had and currently have I have nothing to show for it. Despite all the "opportunities" I've had, I have been unable to cash any of them in. It's late and I'm tired and a good night kiss would be welcome now, instead I'll just dream for another day.

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