Tuesday, April 18, 2006

Rough Day In Carbondale All Around

As I seemingly count down the days until I go on a brief weekend home in Chicago which starts Thursday, I took a rough one in Carbondale today. I was up until 4 am studying for two tests and putting the finishing touches on a paper that was due later in the day. The first test was a rough one, it was really important that I passed and I don't think I did well. If my fears end up being confirmed, I'm really going to have to Ace the final to end up with a C. The second test wasn't as bad, I was a bit confused for some of the multiple choice questions, but I think I nailed the very important essay question. I hope it puts my grade over the top into the solid, mid-B range. My third class was interesting because I turned in my paper and I just realized it was supposed to be 5 pages, not 4. I really could have embellished more and added more, but truth be told I was too tired to add anymore. It'll probably be bad, here's hoping my teacher takes pity on me and let's me revise it.
And despite all that, I had a pretty good day. I was in a pretty good mood, I even got an Easter treat from my godmother who I MUST call as soon as I can tomorrow. I got back to the room, awkward moment cuz I just swung open the door and I noticed my iron was missing from the end lounge but then I realized it was hiding. However my roommie wouldn't let me in the room right away, he was really keeping me out of there. Because of the way he was acting, I was assured his girlfriend was in there and I was pretty sure that had I just walked in as I usually would have, I woulda seen something that I probably wasn't supposed to see. So anyways, that wasn't much of an issue, awkward it was though. It woulda made sense though, loud music and all, but the door was unlocked....hey you're asking for it if the doors gonna be unlocked.
So anyways we watched a bit of the unrated 40 year old virgin to catch some of the differences between the rated and unrated versions. We picked up his girl from class and she was in a pretty ticked off mood, I really don't know why, but whatever. Went to Wal-Mart, it was a pretty quiet ride each way, once again feeling awkward cuz I felt like they were gonna fight. Granted it'd be a "what else is new" situation but whatever, I'm used to it, I deal. So we got back and watched 40 year-old virgin, the rest of it as I talked to my sister about the whole bipolar/manic depressive issue. She really talked me through it. I might seek some type of help if I can't figure things out on my own, it's probably a good idea, I just don't wanna tell my mom because I don't want her any more worried about me than she already is and I don't wanna be wasting her money if a doctor thinks I'm fine.
Note that I stated that earlier in the day I was fine. However that was to change. Sometime after the 40 year-old virgin ended things got weird. Hoos and Alicia were being couply and peeps know how it makes me feel to be around couples, but they weren't being horrible so I was dealing well. Our friend Charrelle was there, she was talking about wanting to visit her ex and how she was feeling and blah! blah! girl talk blah! blah! There was plenty of sex talk, which once again is a topic that really bothers me to talk about, you know being a virgin and all. Funny I mention it though because the two girls in the room were staunch virgins until each of them had a "what had happened was..." moment with their boyfriends, whatever. All that said, things built up in me and I wasn't feeling well. So we went to eat at Don Taco and we were talking about Charrelle going to see her ex and this is what I think set me off. We were talking and Hoos said "well if you go see him, i don't wanna hear how horrible of a person he is later" and her response was "don't worry i go to lu for that because he's sensitive about that kinda stuff" and then the three of them at the same time say the classic 40 Year-old virgin line "you know how I know you're gay..." Which immediately brought back the whole peeps thinking I'm gay thing and the comment from some people that basically call me "a girls gay best friend." Then I just became bitter and snippy and really they didn't know what was up and I didn't know what happened until I was able to analyze what was going on. That was what set me off, then what SENT me off was the couple being couply. I think my roommie heard me as I muttered under my breathe "If I only had a rope" to the tune of "If I only had a brain..." yeah I was pissed, nothing makes me more uncomfortable than them two. What pisses me off is that she has a single room and I know that this is his room too, but really, why inconvenience ME when she lives in a single room RIGHT ACROSS THE FUCKING HALL!!!! So basically I snapped. Last year, my snapping consisted of hitting my roommate with things and tearing up the room. I like to think that I've matured since last year so I grabbed my phone and my I-pod and went on a walk. Ended up at my future roommate's place where I explained to him the situation. He didn't readily take sides, but if he did I think he took mine because he really saw where I was coming from which was cool because I try to talk to my roomie about it, but he's such a selfish person sometimes he just doesn't get it. I even brought up to my future roomie about last week and he and I were basically in the same boat. Sure they both said "you don't have to leave" but it wasn't like either of them made a concerted effort to keep me from leaving. And on top of that the whole "you don't have to leave thing" is something that covers your own ass that they can use as a cop out even though if I didn't have to leave, nothing would have been happening in the first place. I don't know who initiated it, but I don't really care because it happened and it bothers me and inconvenienced me and really I didn't get anything but a half-hearted apology. It just makes me wonder about people sometimes. I really have trust in no one, I'm convinced that most of the people around me are so full of themselves, so full of shit whatever, it's not worth being stressed over. But back to my guys place we go where he respected me, even when his gf was chillin with him he told her to ease up because "this is the stuff why lu is here now." That was cool. You know what it is RESPECT!!!!!! That's what my current roommie is lacking, RESPECT!!!!! So after a few games of MLB 2005, I walked back home in the Carbondale night.
So I've come to a conclusion. I can point out where some of that stress I'm going through is coming from. Ladies and gentlemen, I circle 1437 Mae Smith as an issue for me. The bullshit I take from Kevin. The fact that I'm either constantly around them or they're constantly around me just bugs the crap out of me, especially when they're acting couply and I've approached them about it, and they say that they'll change but they don't, it's the same shit different day. ANd then I find myself in the middle of their arguments and I guess in this case I am the "gay best friend." Really, if I can somehow eliminate that from my life things can get better. Heck I honestly feel it now, I feel more tense around them than other times. Could that have been an issue at the dance? Who knows, I have plenty of issues, the two of them and the way they act around me and the fact that they themselves make me insecure is not good for my health. And to think, Kevin said he was gonna hook me up with her. *sighs* maybe that's why he set me up with the internet girl. Whatever, as Coach Ditka once said "The past is for losers and cowards." I need to somehow leave my past behind me and spring forward and leave the bullshit out of my life.
Oh how I am looking forward to this weekend. A weekend in which I wanted to spend some quality time with a good friend of mine who's booked for the weekend. Talk about my fucking luck!
The more and more that I forget things when I'm writing the blog, the more I love the "And Another Thing... segment." So here's tonight's "And Another Thing..." moment. It was quite a random moment I must say, that's why it's still currently sticking out in my mind. My crush from last year called my roommie, asked about me and said hi to me through my roommate. My intial reaction "Hi, and I miss you." Hope she didn't take it the wrong way. Still can't get her out of my mind sometimes, even though now she has a boyfriend. I know, sounds kinda desperate, but I had feelings and I let my insecurities get the best of me last year. Heh, what else is new, my insecurities keeping me down. Well I had to get that off my chest, peaces folks!

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