Thursday, June 15, 2006

Why I Miss Blogger

Another summer comes and another summer I've basically IGNORED blogger. For shame on my part. I've ignored not only this site, but my Cubs related site in favor of my space again, especially after last year. I dunno, I'll probably go back to blogger for the school year, cuz I'm on my space less. Also I like this blog because only a few people read this, not EVERYONE reads this and I can write more revealing introspective type shit on this blog. On My Space, I gotta be really careful with what I write because of who might read it. I don't worry about that on this blog. That's why I miss blogger. ANd it was my first blogsite, and from what I hear from the peeps, you never forget your first. AND SPEAKING OF THAT...this is what I've come to blog. It's a long but good one, so yeah enjoy.
THE LONG OF THE SHORT OF IT: I can't complain about not getting laid any more. It's as simple as that.
THE LONG AND EXCRUTIATING DETAILS: I'll preface this by saying that I was drunk. And when I'm drunk, for lack of better terminology, I'm horny when I'm drunk. But really, what college student isn't horny when they're drunk. Alcohol is an aphrodesiac (or however you spell that) without a doubt. So anyways I have a friend and she knows I'm a virgin. Basically she wants it. She wants my innocence, my virginity all that good stuff. She wants to teach me. In the intoxicated state I was in, I was eating it all up. In fact I remember being at the point where I was like "fuck it. I'm sick of being the token virgin, taking shit from the peeps and all that bullshit that I always go through." And basically it was a deal. Then I slept on it and had a dream. It was more like a reliving of moments where the braintrust (that consists of my closest friends) and family talked to me about the whole virginity thing. And then my conscience basically smacked some sense into me and saying that it wasn't right. Not necessarily the sex but the circumstance in which it was to come under. Midday, a motel, with someone you have absolutely no affection for. So I thought about it and I just felt dirty thinking about it. I thought it was totally wrong. I knew it wasn't right. So I wrote to her and told her that I didn't wanna do it because it wasn't right. She said it was cool. And has the days have passed since I've made that decision I've felt so much better about myself, almost as if I have a new lease on my love life or something like that. But I don't think she's happy about my decision, especially knowing how horny she is/was. And on top of that no one's said no to her before, I'm the first. And of all people, a frustrated virgin at that. She's been egging me on and I told her I don't want her. I told her what she wants and what I want is totally different. She wants me, I don't want her. I really don't want anything to do with her to be blunt. But yeah she's been egging me on and I've resisted. So that thing called "will power" does work. I wonder if there's anything else this can apply to. So yeah I've resisted her and the temptation. I've told a few friends about my situation. They have echoing sentiments: good for you. They understand me and my personality and the whole sex thing with me, but these are the friends that understand me and I LOVE THEM for understanding me and respecting me and my decisions. Now there are some people I won't tell. I won't tell "The Guys" because I'll never hear the end of it. I just can't bring myself to look at women and treat them the way they do (and no, it's not in that good way.) Maybe I'm too good for girls. Maybe because of that thing where I have to be friends with a girl before I'm interested in her. Maybe because for a lot of a girls I know I'm like a best friend. Any case I don't want her or a girl like her, so I'm moving on. To bigger and better things. But yeah I'll take shit if this leaks out to certain peeps. Yeah if some random stranger reads this they'll probably call me "gay" or a "loser" and all those things, but I know what I want. At least I think I know what I want. Well I definetly know what I don't want. I just want to thank my peeps who understand me and have given me good words of support during these awkward times. Holla!
PS- Oh yeah the thing I actually wanted to write. Well after reading this, the general consensus is "Lu, now you cannot complain about not getting laid." And technically you're right, when you REJECT a sure thing you really don't have a reason to bitch about being laid. But I've realized that it's not about getting laid. It really isn't. It is about a connection. It is about feeling. My sister was right when she said that sex is such a personal moment, do you really want to reveal yourself personally to the wrong person. Now I'm not gonna go out there and get on the preachers trail of being celibate. I do want to have sex. But I also have a certain idea of who I want to have sex with and what kind of person I want to have sex with. I know "it's not space shuttle launch it's sex" and come to think about it, do you really want to regret your first time? I know she's out there waiting. And yeah, I should never bitch about never getting laid again. Truth is I probably will. There will be a time I'm talking to the guys and they're talking about all the freaky shit they did over the weekend and I'll be jealous. There will be a time where peeps will tell me whats going on in their personal life and I'll be envious because I want that eventually. But in the grand scheme of things, in the back of my mind, I will always remember my decision and that it was the right decision!!!

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