Monday, December 27, 2004

The Pimpin Awards For 2004

Because what would the year end be like without the meaningless opinion of a know-it-all teenager. Here is my opinion of the best and worst of 2004 and the other crap I just had on my mind.
Best of the Year
Hottie of the Year: Lindsay Lohan. Hottie at only 18, thing could only get better. My only beef with her is that she spent the year dating Fez from 'That 70s Show.' Now, she is currently dating Collin Farrell. She might give Paris Hilton a run for her money next year for 'Ho of the Year.'
Entertainer of the Year: Lil Jon. Who else put together several summer jams to bump in your ride? Who else could make the common question WHAT? and the common response YEAH! cool to say on a day-to-day basis? Who was the producer of the year in all of your favorite songs? Lil Jon did it all in 2004. He gave you 'Yeah!' by Usher, 'Goodies' by Ciara, 'Freak A Leek' by Petey Pablo, he remixed two of the hottest songs of the summer 'Lean Back' featuring Ma$e, Eminem and Fat Joe and 'The New Workout Plan' by Kanye West and Farnsworth J. Bentely. He's currently got a top 10 CD featuring hip-hops best including: Ice Cube, Jadakiss, T.I. and Nas, and that is only one track. He's currently got the slow jam for this and next year with 'Lovers and Friends' featuring Ludacris and Usher, he's got the club banger 'What U Gonna Do?' and the street anthem 'Role Call.' Top top it off, he's working with Paris Hilton on her album. Everything he touches turns into gold, or shall I say platinum.
Musician of the Year: Kanye West. The only person who had as good, if not a better year than Lil' Jon it was Kanye West. His debut CD, The College Dropout, showed the world that he was much more than a top notch producer. Self proclaimed "Chi-town's Finest" not only had major hits on his CD, but he spread the wealth too. He was the producer on the Jay-Z smash 'Encore', he was the proudcer behind 'Slow Jamz' featuring he and fellow Chicagoan Twista, not to mention Twista's hit 'Overnight Celebrity', he produced hits for Janet Jackson, Brandy, Dialated Peoples, Jadakiss, Jin, Cam'ron, Ludacris and many more. He gave us one of the top songs in 2004 with Jesus Walks and collaborated on a remix which featured Bad Boy turned good Ma$e. He is walking in 2005 on fire with 10 grammy nominations. We are all looking to upcoming proudctions featuring Kanye West including a song on G-Unit's newest soldier and Dr. Dre's protoge, the next best thing to come from the West- The Game. He already collaborated with Game on the Boost mobile hit "Whole City Behind Us" freestyle. Kanye's CD is due out summer/fall next year. We can't wait.
Song of the Year: This year was full of hit songs. Yeah by Usher, Jesus Walks by Kanye West, Freak A Leek by Petey Pablo, Mosh by Eminem, RubberBand Man by T.I., This Love by Maroon 5 all came into consideration for song of the year. But only one walked away as the hit of the summer and the all around hit of the year. It had everyone dancing, 'Lean Back' by Fat Joe is my song of the year. First of all, it put the Latino's on hip-hop's map again since the death of the very underrated Big Pun. Second of all everyone loved it. Black, white, hispanic, everyone. It became a hit when it was remixed. And the only catch to the song was the dance. The Rockaway. Which all you had to do was follow the directions said clearly by the song: "Me and my n-ggas don't dance we just pull up our pants and do the rockaway/ now lean back, lean back, lean back, lean back." What else could you ask for in a hit song. By the way, Mosh came in a close second. In all honesty, it is my favorite song cuz it gets you pumped, it sent a clear message and is lyrically the song of the year. But, there was something that Lean Back had that Mosh didn't in the end.
Album of the Year: Kanye West's The College Dropout. There was no more influential album that came out this year on me and my life. No other album put out that many hits and made that much of a message than Kanye's Dropout. There was no other album like it in the year. That is what made it unique. Coming behind West in this category were the double album by Outkast- Speakerboxxx/The Love Below, Usher's Confessions, Lil Jon's Crunk Juice, and Maroon 5's Songs About Jane.
Athlete of the Year: Peyton Manning, quarterback, Indianapolis Colts. 49 touchdowns breaking Dan Marino's 1984 record, 4551 yards and the #3 record in the AFC, football's best conference. That is after an opening night loss to the defending world champs the Patriots. A loss in which they only lost by 3 points, Edgerrin James had 2 fumbles, one at the goal line. Everyone said that the Colts would make it no where with no defense. Note to you "experts" the same people that claimed the Cubs as champions last year before the year even started: If you score 35 points and the other team scores 31, guess what YOUR TEAM STILL WINS! Go Colts!
Coach of the Year: Larry Brown, Detroit Pistons basketball. Pull the upset of the century beating the LA Lakers 4 games to 1 in the series that broke up the Laker dynasty. Congrats to Larry.
Team of the Year: 2004 Boston Red Sox. Picked by many to be the runner up to the Cubs in the preseason. Picked by many to be runner up to the loser of the AL West in the Wild Card Race. Picked by many to be runner up to the New York Yankees in the playoffs. The Red Sox, even after trading their "Franchise" Nomar Garciaparra to the truely cursed baseball team, defied all of the odds by winning the Wild Card, beating the Yankees in the season series and by beating the Yankees after being down 0-3 in the ALCS on their last out in 2 of those games. Next, they broke the Curse of the Bambino by beating the favored best team in baseball the St. Louis Cardinals. Congrats to the Bo Sox for doing us the favor of being the first team to break their curse. It gives all of us Cubs fans hope for next year, like we didn't have enough.
Winner of the Year: The City of Boston was sports biggest winners. They had 2 world champions in the Red Sox and the Patriots. A lot of joy in the Northeastern sports world this year. Outside of sports, Paris Hilton was this year's big winner. Being an heiress isn't enough. She made millions in her second reality show. She has a best selling book, several sex tapes, including one that you can find on the shelves. She has an album and a movie coming out next year. What made her a winner is that she was willing to take the extra mile. Oops, I meant go the extra mile. But I really did mean that she did take the extra mile. What other girl could expose herself in several sex tapes and become the eye candy of America and a role model to girls in the same year. Let's just spend a year in Paris. Note: People usually spend 15 minutes in Paris.
TV Show of the Year: The Sopranos came back strong this year with the suprise whacking of Adriana. The Simpson's had their highlights as usual. That 70's Show was great, again. Arrested Development is a classic in the making. But my favorite show of this year is the hystarically funny Curb Your Enthusiasm. I love that show, I suggest that everyone goes out there and watches it next season.
Best Year Ever: Ben Affleck. He dumped J. Lo at the right time. Then he hooked up with ultra-superhero-hottie Jennifer Garner. Then he saw his two favorite teams (Boston Red Sox and New England Patriots) win championships in their sports. Could anyone have a better year?
Worst of 2004
Worst Song: Fuck You Right Back by Frankie. This song was a comeback to another one of my favorite songs 'Fuck It I Don't Want You Back' by Eamon. The comeback was just sour grapes by a dumb bitch that cheated on her man and was exposed as the slut she truely was. If the girl makes the song about her boyfriend cheating on her and exposing him, it is looked highly upon. But when the girl is exposed it is looked down upon. Hey Eamon, you ever need a remix, we'll go find Lil Jon and I'll throw down a couple of bars. I don't sing, but I'll bust out any dumb disrespectful cheating ass ho.
Ass Clown of the Year: Ricky Williams, running back, Miami Dolphins. Days before training camp started, he quit on his team for reasons high school students quit their job at Burger King. They quit for the weed. Now he's in debt up to his eyeballs and has no income. He ruined his team because their team revolved around him. It cost his coach his job, their team money and one of the worst records in football, and will cost others down the line too. Good job Ricky, and congrats for being the ASSCLOWN OF THE YEAR!
Worst Coach: The only coach that can get a player injured, cause his team to lose and cry because criticizing him hurt his feelings is the only choice for worst coach of the year. Waving Wendell Kim finally lost his job two years too late. He injured Tony Womack by sending him home causing a collision at the plate causing him to miss the playoffs. The Cubs thought he was too hurt to play next year, then he goes out and has a career year for the Cardinals. This year, he sends one of the slowest players on the team who is slowed with an injured hamstring Aramis Ramirez, home. Ram really hurt his hammy after being called out. He was out for two weeks, leaving the Cubs with a gaping hole in the middle of the order. Now he's gone and maybe we can win some games, score some more runs and maybe not have players injured at the plate this year.
Worst Team: San Francisco 49ers. Lost their All-Pro QB to free agency. Lost their top running back to free agency. Lost the best receiver in football because he wanted out and forced a trade to them. Why? Because their management makes the Bears and White Sox look like free spenders like George Steinbrenner.
Biggest Loser: Those who voted for George W. Bush will end up losers in the long run because they will realize the mistake later. Those who voted against him will be the biggest losers because once again we are stuck with an idiotic incompetent president. In the words of Chris Rock, "I will not vote for anyone that I can beat in a spelling bee."
Biggest Disappointment: 2004 Chicago Cubs. After an awesome playoff run in 2003 which left Cubs fans thirsting for more and a hot start to the 2004 season. The Cubs ended the year by losing 2 of 3 to the last place New York Mets, losing 3 of 4 to the lowly Cincinnati Reds and by losing 2 out of 3 to the Atlanta Braves to eliminate them from the Wild Card spot that they held on to since June. SINCE JUNE! More blown slaves than anyone could imagine, players blaming broadcasters, broadcasters telling the truth, a superstar "captain" walking out on his team along with injuries galore caused this year to be a lost cause for The Cubs and their ever hurting fans. Once again, they were left heartbroken waiting for next year.
Worst Athlete: Three-way tie. Jonathan Quinn, worst Quarterback in NFL history. Alex Gonzalez, worst shortstop in baseball history. Jon Garland, worst pitcher in baseball history. Quinn couldn't throw a touchdown if he went up against no defense. After the chokejob in the 2003 NLCS, Gonzo lost all of his range and fielding ability and the ability to hit in the only month he ever hit in, April. So to recap Gonzo, can't field, can't hit, can't run fast. Not good for a professional baseball player. 6-4-3 is as simple as it gets Gonzo. The little white thing, you are supposed to hit it. If Jon Garland threw to a cardboard cut out of a batter only two things would happen. He would either walk the cardboard cutout, or the cutout would hit a home run.
Worst Musician: William Hung absolutely ruined American Idol. Look for him to do an album with Lil' Bow Wow and Ja Rule one day. The worst trio ever.
Worst Year Ever: Sammy Sosa, outfielder, Chicago Cubs (for now.) A gargantuan (word of the day) sneeze knocked Sammy out for a month. He batted .253 with 35 HRs and 80 RBIs. His defense was horrible, he couldn't hit a beach ball if it was set on a tee-ball stand for the life of him. And then, at the end of the year, he walks out on his team, and he's the captain. Revenge was later sought by an unknown Cub who took a page out of The Sopranos playbook and took a baseball bat to Sosa's boombox. Sosa has been the center of trade rumors all off-season and Cub fans look forward to a day without their one time hero.
Most Likely to be Next Years Biggest Loser: President Bush (see below.)
Most Likely to be Dead Next Year: President Bush.
Most Likely to be Next Year's Big Winner: Carlos Beltran, who as a free agent is looking for a 10 year $200 million dollar contract. Cubbies, dish the money out and give it to him before the Astros or Yankees do.
Most Shocking: Brintey Spears gets married twice. Once in Vegas to Jason Alexander (no, not the guy from Seinfeld, though at one point I was glad for him) and for real to a back up dancer who was recently divorced and has outside kids. Can you say Baby Step Mamma Drama? Not 10 times fast. This gesture by Brintey gives us all hope that a genuine hottie will have unnecissarily low standards and fall for the back up dancer in all of us.
Least Shocking: Paris Hilton's other sex tapes. Nothing shocks me after the first one.
Quote of the Year: "While he trickin' off, don't get no rich nigga/ Give ME some head, that'll really piss him off." Kanye West in my favorite song of the College Dropout 'Breathe In Breathe Out' featuring Ludacris. Think about it, what would piss off a boyfriend off more: his girl leaving for a rich boy or his girl leaving him for a guy like me? Thought so.
I hope you enjoyed 2004, I sure did. Look out 2005, here I come.

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