The Sosa Rules Part One

In the late 80s and early 90s, the Detroit Pistons, in effort to stop Michael Jordan, came up with the Jordan Rules. Now, in 2005, Cubs fans need to unite and create the Sammy rules. Because if Sammy is to come back, he needs to be controlled. Basically, the goal of this set of rules would be simple, to stop Sammy Sosa's tumor from turning into a full-blown cancer. Also, this would lessen his influence on the team, the clubhouse and would put Sammy in his proper spote. Note, this would not be talked about if Sammy would've dropped himself in the line-up earlier when he was struggling and/or if Sammy would've just shown up to the final game and stayed. It's simple, Sammy stays, and all Cub fans are worrying about is a 5th starter, a closer and a left-fielder. Instead we worried about trading Sammy, dreaming of Carlos Beltran and watching all of our left-field options vanish into mid air. Plan A was Carlos Beltran, and he's headed off east to Flushing, NY to joint the Mets for 7 years and $119 million. Plan B was J.D. Drew, and he went to Hollywood for 5 years $55 million. Note, the 5 year $55 million contract is $30 million less than they offered Beltran. If they would've done their job, they would have their left fielder in J.D. Drew who is just as good of a talent as Beltran and would love nothing more than to stick it to the St. Louis Cardinals for 19 games per year. I digress however and move to the Sosa rules.
Rule #1- The Cubs take away that letter 'C' on the jersey that stands for team captain. In accordance to losing his being captain, the following players are named Cubs Captains, Co-Captains and Assistant Captains- Kerry Wood, Mark Prior, Michael Barrett and Nomar Garciaparra.
Rule #2- Sammy is not allowed to bat higher than 6th in the Cubs line-up which looks as follows: Walker, Barrett, Garciaparra, Ramirez, Patterson, Lee, Ordonez/Hollandsworth/Dubois/Burnitz/ and Sosa. 7 and 8 are interchangeable.
Rule #3- Sammy is not allowed to do the following while on the playing field: The Charge out to right field, The Homerun Hop, The Kiss and Love Taps, Dive for balls that do not need dove for.
Rule #4- Sammy must issue a hand-written and spoken apologies along with gifts for the following: Dusty Baker, Chip Carey, Steve Stone, Kerry Wood, Todd Walker, Ryan Dempster, Mark Prior, season ticket holders of the Chicago Cubs, Rick Reilley of Sports Illustrated and most importantly to me, his biggest supporter until he quit on the team.
Rule #5- To ensure that Sammy does not leave early, the following jobs are reserved for him: picking up the bases after the game, cleaning the right field bleachers, co-host of the post game show with Len Kasper and Bob Brenly and Dusty Baker at the stadium, in the dugout.
Rule #6- Opposing home run balls hit to right field are to be thrown AT Sammy Sosa.
Rule #7- Sammy must renew his vows to Dusty Baker in a ceremony in which Sosa wears the dress and his bridesmades are Kyle Farnsworth's current and future baby's mommas and Dusty's Groomsmen are Kerry Wood, Mark Prior, Todd Walker and Ryan Dempster.
Rule #8- To make sure Sammy is at the ball park on time, Sammy's newest job is to open the stadium early in the morning.
Rule #9- NO MORE BOOMBOX!
Rule #10- If by July 1st, he is not hitting .280, he must buy a boombox and destroy it with a baseball bat and buy all bleacher fans a boombox of GREATER value.
Note: Rules may be added and are subject to change. New rules will be issued as they become available whenever possible.