WARNING: I'm pissed and this is a pretty long blog. So if you want to read on go ahead. I'm just warning you because I say a lot of shit because I'm really pissed now!
Well folks tonight was an absolute disaster! It sucked. Tonight was totally lame, a waste and really it just EH!!! I'M PISSED NOW! Especially after last night which was sooo awesome but no, back to reality tonight. In retrospect tonight was representative of this entire school year. One good night, one bad night. And it happened over and over again. And really, the tone was set that first night out. This year it was just a repetative cycle of blown opportunities, wasted time, wasted efforts and in the end I'm pretty much where I started. I'm not happy, I've been happy too few and far between and its quite upsetting. I have nothing to hang my hat on about this year. My grades are average, girls are a non-issue because they are a MAJOR issue, and it's not like last year where I had this great experience. I've gone through a lot of bullshit this year that is a combination of shit I got myself into and shit that I'm in because of circumstance. If it was up to me I'd be yellin' 'til I'm blue in the face "I WANT OUT!" Because that's how I feel about Carbondale a majority of the time. I honestly don't even want to talk about my girl issues because it'll make me want to just hurt myself in a bad way! I'll go out on a limb and put a majority of the blame (if not all of it) on me. I fucked up. I fucked up in school for starters. I'm smarter than this. I'm more educated than what I've shown. All my life I've under achieved, especially these last two years. I constantly feel un-inspired and lethargic. Its part environment and part lack of motivation. When it comes to girls that's just a train wreck right there in itself. You're talkin' about someone whose got plenty of female friends, yet that's where it stays. It never goes beyond the friend stage, ever. And its not like I got some "high school sweetheart" waiting in the wings. It's really like HS all over again, except it's more in focus when you're on campus. Sometimes I feel like I'm in some surreal scene where everyone's involved with someone except me. It depresses me to think about it sometimes. I'm almost 20 and I have so much to experience. I dunno, the whole girl thing pisses me off to a point where I just wanna go off and hide somewhere and not be heard from again.
And really that's where a majority of my stress comes from. How did I come to that conclusion. Well, I figured that out when the Cubs can't even be my savior from these issues. Usually baseball season comes around and no matter how bad the Cubs are, they distract me from my issues with women. This year not so much. Even when they win I still got girls on the brain. Some would say (and have said) I'm obsessed with it. I'm obsessed not only with women, but also the thought of sex and the act of sex. Because really that's all I hear about on campus. Who's fucking, where they're fucking, who they wish they were fucking, who they fucked in the past, who they'll fuck in the future and BLAH! BLAH! BLAH! And then there's me who has nothing to bring to the conversation because I'm stuck in the single black hole!!!!
People are so full of shit sometimes too. (Sorry here comes the rant.) Seriously I hear the same bullshit all the time. "Don't worry your time will come." So if I died tomorrow, would my time have come, NO, so that's bullshit! "Just be yourself." I haven't been acting the last 19+ years. I've been myself, MYSELF SUCKS!!! I wish I could just fabricate my past and make myself to be something I'm not and just fool the fuck out of people. "Don't try so hard" or "you're trying to hard, they'll come when you're least expecting it." BUUUUULLLLLLLSHIIIIIIT!!!!!! You're kidding me right. Sometimes I wonder if the people feeding me this shit believe the shit they are saying themselves. There have been times where I haven't tried hard, and that's probably how I get stuck in the friend zone. That whole "they'll come when you least expect it" deal, is bullshit. Talk about isolation, I might as well go gay or something. Its funny because who do I hear this shit from. Let's see, I hear it from people who are already in relationships. Really, should I take advice from them, they're set, they've got nothing to worry about. They're not on the block trying to impress anybody, they're settled. "Pretty people" or people that most would consider attractive. Really, should I be taking advice from them? It's easy to give advice when you can get it on demand, whenever you wanted. Its easy for good-looking people to talk shit because they're good looking and if it came down to it, they could get away with murder if they would like to.
And in the end, it doesn't even matter. I'm stuck. I'm glad this semester is almost over so I won't have these dumb thoughts anymore. XBOX will be taking up my late night entertainment. Goodnight from Carbondale. WHERE I'M PISSED!