Saturday, May 20, 2006

As Much As I Wanted To Do It, I Just Couldn't Do It

I just couldn't bring myself to do it. It was the perfect day to do it too. It would have made sense. Everything hit a pinnacle, everything hit a boiling point. But for some reason I couldn't mutter the words, not even under my breathe. Those words "I quit" refused to leave my mind and my mouth throughout the day. We start with the Cubs and their pathetic performance against the world champion White Sox. As a Cub fan I'm to the point where it's time to clean house. And I mean clean house. Start from the top, Tribune company sell the Cubs to Mark Cuban, he's in the market for a baseball team, look what he did to the Mavs hoops squad. Then fire GM Jim Hendry and hire A's GM Billy Beane and tell him that Theo Epstein is better than him and then he'll be extra inspired to put together the best team in baseball. Look at the talent he's had on that team since he's been there: Chavez, Tejada, Giambi, Damon, Dye, Hudson, Mulder, Foulke, Isringhausen, and then the new kids like Houston Street, Nick Swisher, Mark Kotsay, Jason Duerscherer, Danny Haren, Rich Harden, Barry Zito. All that on a limited budget, imagine if he had a real budget backing him. Next fire dusty baker, he's lost his touch. Hire Joe Girardi ASAP!!!!! If not hire Lou Pinnella. Trade everyone except Zambrano, Lee, Cedeno & Murton. Why? Let's start this whole thing over again with some young talent. Bring me Miguel Cabrera and Dontrelle Willis somehow. Bring me a team that's young and hungry and wants to win. I've been through too much bullshit with this team to quit now. I've supported them through thick and thin. I take shit from Sox fans year round and Cards fans when I'm down at SIU. It's not fair, I'm sick of it, and in fact, it makes me sick. But I can't quit on them, I just can't bring myself to do it. It's as if I've invested so much, why back out now when it can only get better.
Next topic of course: women. I'm a believer that the past influences the future, no matter how hard you try to leave the past behind, it always finds a way to catch up to you. And I think I'm starting to figure out the cycle. It always starts with a crush. The things with crushes is that they're bad for you. A crush is just someone that is only attainable in the perfect situation. A wise man once told me "The problem with crushes, is that crushes crush." I didn't know what that meant until today when it all made sense. Crushes, especially the ones that are unattainable, are always so hurtful because you can't have them, no matter what. My issue is that I have a problem when it comes to getting over crushes. I don't stalk, I don't obssess, none of that. However once in a while I can't help myself but drift into dream land and imagine life with them. I can't help but to think about how much happier I'd be in general if I was with that person. The ones that hurt the most are the ones that are still close. And the thing is, you don't (well I don't) get over the crush until the next one comes along, and you really don't know when that's coming. Right now, I'm currently on crush #4 of the ones that actually mattered. Crush #1 was puppy love. Crush #2 is the carbon copy of #1 in a sense because all the signs point to yes, but there's one thing that is always pointing to no. Crush #3 was the first college crush. Wasn't her type, and despite what I said, I never completely got over her until crush #4 came along. And now I'm stuck on #4. #4 of course is in a happy relationship and wouldn't trade it for the world. Some would say that signs pointed to something that could have happened. I would disagree, but maybe it's because I didn't see the signs. It's kinda reminiscent of crush #1. So really I won't be over crush #4 until the next one comes along. The problem here is each crush seemingly has bigger shoes to fill than the other. Poor #5 when she comes along. I hope she comes along soon and puts an end to this cycle, because I don't know how many more years I can take of this.
Really, that's where it all comes from. The insecurities, the jealousy, the all that fun stuff that keeps me up at night wondering "when's my time?" Sometimes I don't know what I'm gonna do with myself. However I do love when I solve the issues in my mind, it makes me feel better about myself.
And for the conclusion. It'd be easy to say that my life immitates the life of my favorite baseball team. We both have opportunities and some how find a way either not to capitalize on them or just flat out blow it. We both have excuses for why things don't happen the way we'd like. And that's when it hit me...things need to change and need to change now. A part of me says that it's pointless, because everytime I attempt to change things I end up back where I started. On the other hand, I need a change for the positive and the only way to do so is agitate the waters. It's easy to sit back and point out all the good things that happen to others. Especially for those that don't work as hard as I would to get it. I'll be the first to admit that I don't have everything working for me. I have been on the short end of the stick many a time. I've been overlooked, and underrated. And in some cases I was never even given a chance. And everytime I think it can't get worse it does. Well folks, admittedly, I've hit rock bottom. NOW it can't get any worse. It can only get better. It's time to move forward. I don't know how I'll do it, and heck, I don't even know if I will do it. I figure I'll see the change when it happens. In the end I just want to be happy. And I haven't been genuinely happy for consecutive days in a while. And home cooking just doesn't do it anymore. I feel sometimes as if I haven't left Carbondale.
FINAL THOUGHTS: It always seemed to me that my 1st roommate at college lived life as if everyone owed him something because of his short comings. I see a little bit of that in myself. I didn't like that about him when he thought like that, and I HATE that I think like that (now that I've realized that's how I've been thinking.) Yes I have done things for others, but I need to remember that sometimes its good to be selfish. I should be my number one priorty. My happiness should be #1 on my depth chart. An old HS friend of mine once told me "LUCK stands for Learning Under Correct Knowldedge. Know the situation, analyze the situation and then do whatever it takes to make the best out of it." That's a saying that now makes sense too. I love late night blog sessions. They bring out my deepest, darkest thoughts.

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