If one thing in my writing is consistent it's this: when I'm pissed off I write a lot and I seem to have no focus whatsoever. It kinda sucks, but hey shit happens.
Still searching for something meaningful from last night? Join the club. Here's the Cliff's Notes version of what I figured out on my own.
- School has me overstressed. I know, that's what school is supposed to do. It's supposed to get you ready for real life. Personally there are some "real life" things that I'm ready for, and some that I feel I'm not ready for yet. Or maybe I am ready but I'm not ready to admit that I'm ready because I feel there is so much that I have missed out on. The last three weeks of school have been absolutely gut wrenching. Paper after paper, poem after poem, test after test, quiz after quiz....they all came one after the other and at this point I just wish they'd all stop and leave me the fuck alone! Thank goodness Spring Break starts Friday.
- The little things are bothering me again. I hate when that happens. Little nagging things shouldn't bother me, but for some reason they do now. Those little things, I used to just brush off as if they were nothing. Now, they're pesky like mosquitoes and they've got me flustered to the point I just want to scream at the top of my lungs just because I feel as if it will make me feel better. It's like a domino effect, one falls and the rest must fall in line.
- I need to file a restraining order on my past, because it won't leave me the fuck alone. It's hard to think happy thoughts all the damn time, especially when it seems as if sometimes the only reason you think happy thoughts is so that others around you think you're happy in turn either they're happy or you've tricked them enough to the point to where they don't really care to know. And at this point in my collegiate career, it's not even my past that bothers me as much as things that were said that have unfortunately stuck in my head---and they're not good things either.
- Expectations and short comings have me feeling down. I used to be one who embraced high expectations. I used to like when people expected good things to come from me because it made me feel as if I have a skill and an ability to get stuff done. Then when expectations "lowered" I thrived more because I was motivated to prove people wrong. Now, I am no longer the motivated young man I was when I first came to SIU. Reminders of my short comings are everywhere. They're measured by those who surround you and unfortunately they are magnified because of that.
- There are somedays that I absolutely love SIU. On the surface, SIU is a great place to be. It's a good school with a good atmosphere and you can really make something of yourself here in Carbondale. Personally, my highlight of being here is being able to watch the basketball team. But sometimes I take a step back and wonder if 40 minutes of happiness is worth being here sometimes. In the end, it'll probably benefit me. But sometimes I wonder if I'd be happier elsewhere.
- I really think the thing that's got me down the most right now is dating. I guess we can start with that nice lil' Justin Timberlake concert that I still don't have a date for. I'm all up in arms that for someone who is "such a great guy" and "one day you'll make some girl happy" has not gotten one fucking response. Not one. None at all. So I'm all hot and bothered about that. Beyond that, if you've read this blog since--well if you've ever read this blog--you know that I've lost my mind since 2005. I lost all of my confidence after an internet girlfriend fiasco that really was nice in gesture and all but really not well thought out by the two geniuses who thought it up(yes I include myself in that because I was the idiot that thought it'd be a good idea.) It's too bad neither of us could have figured out or predicted what would have happened had it all fallen through in the way that it did. I know what you're thinking (yeah you!) "get over it, it's more than a year and a half ago" but it's more than that. There's so much more than that, it sickens me. It sickens me that I was possibly three words away from actually being able to put a smile on my face everyday. Instead I'm left to ponder "what could have been" beating myself up everyday about it to the point where I don't want to see people because I know that I can put on a happy face for the world, but I'd be a damn liar to them and to myself.
That's all for now.