Stepping Out Of Character

When I went home I wanted to do the following:

• I wanted to rest and relax. Check.
• I wanted to get some errands done. Check.
• I wanted to hang out with Chi-Town's Finest. Check.
• I wanted to find some happiness. Check.
• I wanted to come back to Carbondale with a new outlook.

Well, that last one is a work in progress, but it's a work that I've worked on each day since I've been back. Positive thoughts tend to drown out the negativity. Happy music has replaced depressing and down trodden tunes on my I-Pod. I'm generally happy. Minus certain moments, I can say that I'm quite content with things. So, you want proof that I'm attempting to move forward?

Tuesday was a step forward. The cute girl that sits in front of me in Physics, I started a conversation with her for once. That's new to me, usually I just talk Physics and crap with her, but Tuesday, there was a little more. Nothing to write home about, but this is Lu that wer'e talking about. And then later Tuesday I had a flashback. A flashback to a Las Vegas moment. In fact, I'm currently calling it a "Why Not Lu? Why Not Now?" moment. I was getting flirty with the waitress so I decided to try to pull a rabbit out of my hat and leave my number in her tip. She hasn't called back. A part of me is upset that she hasn't because A) it worked in the past and B) it's worked for other guys, even guys who are taken. So once again, Why Not Lu? Why Not Now? I walked out of that place with a swagger, a swagger I haven't had in a loooong time. I couldn't believe that I pulled that. But yeah, I was a bit "meh" about her not calling, but it's like a step forward. It's the principle, it's the idea that Lu can pull it off. It's the fact that I made an attempt, without anyone's outside influence. No pressure, no punch lines, no taking shit. In fact from the response of those I've told, they're quite proud of me. Heck I'm proud of me.

I'm hoping all of this parlay's into this weekend. SIU hoops Thursday, Hairbanger's Ball on Friday, Saturday's up in the air, but hey, once again you can't help but to think 'Why Not Lu? Why Not Now?' You can't help but feel optimistic. The only question is how long will this last?

If you read this and you know me, I'm expecting the other shoe to drop. I'm waiting for the inevitable black cat to circle me. I'm expecting a gypsie lead by a billy goat at my front door any minute now. I'm expecting Bartman to ruin my chances for love (again!) But until the goat, the cat or Bartman decides to show up (again!) I'm just gonna keep it pushin'. It's all I can do.

Don't get me wrong, I want this to work. I want something to work. I want something to smile about. But don't be suprised if sometime between the time I post this and the time this weekend is over that I'm back to my old tricks and rants and raves of how it's just not meant to work out between me and any woman. Here's hoping I won't have to deal with that any time soon. And eventually, ever again!

I'm Suprised It Lasted This Long

This is my "note" from facebook.com @ 5:09 PM

• This isn't a note where I dwell on the worst thing that happened this weekend, which was the Cardinals (the 83 win Cardinals that had a losing record against the worst team in the NL, my Chicago Cubs) winning the World Series. This also isn't a note in which I talk about how this weekend served as more evidence on why I should've never came back to Carbondale. Instead, this is a happy weekend recap note.Friday I got off the train and hopped in a cab to Boni Vino's to see my dad and my uncle at the bar. We drank for a few hours, exchanged some stories and had a grand time. It was good to be home. I was happy, heck I was estatic to be home. I knew it was gonna be a good weekend when the cab was playing the song "Look at Her" by One Chance & Fabo from D4L and I was humming the song and told the cabbie to turn it up and his response was "Finally someone that likes the music I like."Saturday, the sun rose, proof that the world didn't end with the Carindals WS victory. I had breakfast with grandma, got a much needed haircut, set up a new bank account, cleaned my uncles gutters and then the fun came. I went to the mall with my mom and my aunt so they could get their nails done. I didn't know it then, but eventually I would be getting a manicure as well. Don't judge me! Don't knock it 'til you try it. It felt good. It feels good to be pampered. I say to everyone if you get a chance to pamper yourself, DO IT! You more likely than not deserve to be pampered. It felt good, and it looked good. I'll never complain about women who complain about their nails ever again, one of my nails got black ink on em and it kills the shine! After that we ate at the Olive Garden, that was great time spent with the family. Saturday night, I spent with some of the guys in McDonalds. I tell ya what, if I spend a Carbondale night in McDonald's, I know my night was a failure, there's no doubt about it. In Chicago, different story. Location! Location! Location! It changes a lot!Sunday I watched the Bears, saw more family and then I was off to Carbondale, again. Refreshed, recharged and ready to embrace my future.For more, check out my blogger site for more indepth stuff later!

So you would think I'd be in a good mood when I wrote this blog right? WRONG! DAMN WRONG! IT'S ALL WRONG! There are so many reasons to be pissed off right now, but right now my focus is why can't I be happy for one measley week outside of the city limits of Chicago. Is that so much to ask for? Maybe I should've dwelled on the Cardinals victory, proving once again that I'm not allowed to have ANY happiness in my life. Or maybe I should dwell on what seems to be a growing fact that I should have never came back (some would I argue I should've never came in the first place) to Carbondale. And the more I'm allowed to think about things the more I get to dissect things and analyze things and come to drastic conclusions like I'm not meant to be happy, ever; or Everytime something good happens to me it's luck, but everytime something BAD happens to me its fate; or the fact that I'm 20 and as of right now have no direction in my life. Sorry, wrong again, the only direction in my life is DOWN! Does DOWN count as a direction? I think it does, cuz it's all been down hill for the last year. There are so many things I can point to that have brought me to this point. There's so many things I can get at. Instead I'll blame myself. And only myself. I led myself down my own road. Did I follow hints, yes, but I didn't have to. Just goes to show that you should only have faith in yourself, even when you shouldn't because in the end I'd rather be able to blame myself and only myself for my situation. Instead, it's easier to find scape goats (hehehe I mentioned goats...FUCK GOATS) and reasons things went bad and not simplifying things to the point where you can only have yourself to blame. This blog was not, I repeat was not, coming tonight. But as the ball bounces, so does my mind. And my mind is telling me to vent before I want to pick up an alcoholic beverage. Damn consecutive drinking streak ending Saturday! And to think I was optimistic when this week started. Now I just know that something will go terribly wrong. I guarantee it!

Sleep calls, because it's better than drowning my sorrows with another Coors Light!

I'm Going Home...

...but I'll be back. Don't worry. I will return to Carbondale, whether I like it or not. I've got a lot of thinking to do. I've got a lot of soul searching to do. It makes me think that I won't have much time for parties and things of that nature. I need a weekend away from Carbondale to recharge the batteries, get re-focused and then come back strong for the final months of the school year.
This semester has been rough on me mentally. Physically it's starting to take it's toll too. Some of it's alcohol related, some of it leads to the alcohol use. Whatever the case is, a weekend away from all of this can't hurt.
Hopefully by the time I return heads will have cleared and Lu will be on the road to recovery. Here's hoping happiness is only around the corner.

The Flashback, The Vision, The Prediction

I've had a few days to think about what happened Monday night and a few days to articulate what I need to write for this "note" to make sense. So here goes nothing.First, the Monday Night Miracle. Bears down 20 with 15:02 to go in the game the Bears score 0 offensive touchdowns and STILL comeback to win 24-23. I'll note this because in The Heckler, a comedic sports paper, wrote that the NFL would spot the Cardinals 23 points in that MNF game as a joke. They were instead spotted 20 by the Bears. That's the first part. But after Devin Hester returned that punt for the game winning TD and Neil Rackers (last year's Mr. Automatic) missed a game winning FG I had this numbing feeling in my body, followed by a tingling sensation.

This leads to THE FLASHBACK. The flashback was a conversation I had between myself and my roommate. Here's an excerpt from my blog last year: "Yeah, we still like the same girl and we were talkin about it. We were talking about the prospects of them and all of the other guys that like her. We eliminated them for one reason or another, then I basically eliminated myself. There's the self reflection. Here's exactly how I eliminted myself:"Me (chuckling) in my wildest dreams that include a year in which the bears, bulls, cubs and SIU win championships..." And then it hit me. The Bears are a contender and will probably win the NFC North title and in my eyes are serious contenders for the conference title and (dare I say it?) the Super Bowl. According to basketball experts, the Bulls are one of the top 5 teams in the Eastern Conference and could contend with Miami if everything breaks their way. SIU is one of the favorites to win the MVC title, again. And the Cubs, with the hiring of Lou Piniella, are making their way to becoming contenders again for the first time since 2003 and 2004. So it hit me, and it hit me hard. Could I be next? Could this be the way the chips fall? I'm not gonna say that the stars are aligned, but I WILL say that there is movement among them.

This leads to THE VISION. More of a dream. Long story short it's me at Wrigley Field on Opening Day and the Cubs win. I can't tell you who played or who I was with, all I know is that there was a conversation with someone saying that this was the year and it was only us two among the whole crowd that believed. So I'll put it out there now Cub fans. 2007 is ours. Accept nothing less than a championship. Yes, start small with division aspirations because the NL Central with 88 wins is winnable. But don't accept choke jobs in the LDS or LCS. World Series or bust. Dusty Baker had one good quality and that was bringing the attitude of "you're either with us or you're against us." So Cub fans, you're either with me or against me. 2007: The Year The Cubs Strike Back.

As for THE PREDICTION: 2007 will be my year. No doubt about it. Shaking off curses, jinxes, hexes and all of the past that has plagued me. Cheering on SIU to a MVC title and hopefully a deep run into the NCAA tournament. Cheering on the Bears, hopefully to a Super Bowl Shuffle Remix. Cheering on the Bulls, hoping to knock off the big bad Heat. And then the Cubs, you know how I feel about 2007.

FINAL THOUGHT: To enforce my vision, my mother and I spoke today. I told her the following: "I was all about Joe Girardi coming to manage the Cubs. I thought that it'd be perfect that the local product, life-long Cub fan and former Cub leads this team out of a 98 year drought. But I thought about Piniella signing and I think it'd be more fitting that a guy named 'LOU' did the job." In response, my mother said "You know, I was thinking the EXACT SAME THING!"

Why Not Us? Why Not Now? Why Not Lu? All questions that will be put to rest in 2007, I'm SURE of it!