Thursday, December 15, 2005

I Had To Do This

I've been breaking a lot of promises on this blog lately and for shame, but usually its either because something else comes up or some other bullshit reason. Well folks, i'm delaying all the good stuff I've been promising (again) to post my final blog from carbondale. Could be the final one from Carbondale ever depending on how my parents react to my grades. So I guess I'll use this as a reflection of this semester.
This semester had disaster written on it before school even started. The car accident and my friends accident threw me for a loop that I wasn't able to recover from. Mentally I was drained before the school year even started. On top of that, my already rocky relationship with my father became even more rocky when he decided to pay his part of the tuition late cancelling all of my classes that I needed. That through me through the worst of all loops when it came to school. It was a tough adjustment, I spent the first two months depressed and unhappy as if I wanted to go home EVERY SINGLE DAY! I was on the verge of dropping out before I came to my senses on how stupid of an idea it would be to just drop everything just because of a couple of bad months. Classes seemed to be getting more difficult and I just didn't react well. I was getting a C in all of my classes at midterms, since then, I've bombed everything except english, and if we had tests in that class, I'd end up bombing those too probably. On top of that my personal life wasn't shaping up too well, it was a reason I was unhappy. Then there was the phase that I didn't know what I wanted for myself. It's tough to figure out what you want when college does a major job screwing up your perception on teenage/young adult social issues. Women are the devil, that's a wonderful conclusion to come to. Every girl I like only likes me as a friend, it's like a black hole I'm in. And then there was my roommate in a wonderful relationship, my cousin on the verge of marriage potentially and me, little ole me single, lonely and on the verge of depression. It was a different semester, though I suffered through the classic stuff that I did last year, but on a higher level, it was weird. My roomie got dumped and it was kinda like it came outta no where and that set him back, but the difference between he and I is that well, I don't know. I guess he's smooth with the ladies (in a drunken stuper I did call him the White Pimp of Suburbia) so I guess I kinda created a monster in that case. But you know he doesn't treat the ladies with the respect I do, but in the end he gets her. Even though he was out of the running all year, he swooped out from the depths of depression to pick up the girl that I swear is damn near EVERYTHING I WANT! I joke that I wish she had a clone so I could date her clone. Sometimes, I wish I would have stayed out of everything, hell sometimes I wish I never came down here in the first place. Sometimes I wish I didn't have feelings for her. It's just another wonderful story of heartbreak that I have to tell. And now that she's with my roomie, there's no chance of it ever happening between us, as if there was a chance in the first place. Ahh, another one of my problems, me getting down on myself. I take a lot of shit for not having confidence. Setting off a great catch 22. How can you have confidence when you've failed at everything before? I know I've brought it up, but I can't but help doing so in this moment. And as the days go by I wonder what would have happened if I were to have made a stronger push, made my feelings more known. In the end, I have the feeling that everything would have happened that happened before that. The rejection, the 'let's just be friends' speech, the awkwardness, and in the end the loss of friendship. Oooh and somewhere there is the drifting, can't forget about the drifting! Seems all my friends are getting it I can count that six of my closest friends are ALL in relationships or are about to be in them. And once again, lil' ole me, on the sidelines still. Wanna know what third base feels like? Ha, motherfucker, I'm still waiting in line for tickets. Oh, and what would talking about this semester be without talking about the great internet relationship. Oh what more can I say, except this is why I have no trust, no faith and no confidence because in the end, it ends up falling apart like the Cubs in September! It's like tradition or something. From the beginning I knew it was too good to be true, it had to be, why because it was me. Beyond the fact that it was an internet relationship in which no one knew the girl. Beyond the fact that we were seperated by 2 states. Beyond the fact that we had never met each other face to face let alone talk on the phone. But somewhere I had faith that this could be something, anything!!!! In the end, it was one elaborate hoax. One in which the girl faked her death and invented lives of her friends and lied about her identity. And I'm the one who is crazy? Just my luck. And what do I do, I put it through his head that the girl he's currently in a relationship with likes him, and while he was off pondering which thoughtless whore he was gonna nail at home or down here or wherever, I was the one that convinced him to ask her out. I was the one who put MY DAMN FEELINGS to the side and took one for the team. And what do I get out of it? Nothing, except the constant reminder that I'm a loser and a failure. Oh, and don't forget the constant reminder that the girl I've wanted since the first day I met her (i know that's how they all felt) is with my f'n roommate. And sure, all the other guys liked her, the difference is that they've had experience, they're looking for that extra umph in that relationship (you know what i'm talking about.) Me, in a perfect world, a relationship that doesn't revolve around sex would be marvelous to me. However, we don't live in perfect, I live in Chicago and during the school year I hold residence in Carbondale and these two places are FAR from perfect. However, next semester is a new semester and I will come back well rested, reloaded and refocused, the way I would/should have come down to this place from the beginning.
As a final note, I let my mind take a trip to last year to a girl I had a crush on, Ms. Calla. Ms. Calla will be leaving SIU after this semester to take some time off from school. We lost touch after she moved across campus to Thompson Point. And as sappy as this sounds, she'll always hold a special part in my heart. We had some great times together (minus the whole drunken confessions of love events) and I'll never forget them. I'll miss the times we went out drinking, i'll miss the times we ate Jimmy Johns, I'll miss the poetry sessions we had. Those were good days last year. I'll even miss talking about the Braves. I'll never forget the one game where she was outnumbered by at least 6 cubs fans in my room the Cubs choked away the playoffs against the Braves in 2004. And I'll remember the shrieking cheer from the sole Braves fan there. That was Calla, and those were my memories from semester one 2005.

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