Friday, March 31, 2006

The Highs and Lows of Being Lu

Today started off as eh, morning, damn I have a test, bleh. Turned out to be a beautiful day in Carbondale, around 70-75 degrees, bright sunshine, it was quite a sight to see. I actually took a nice little walk to the bank today, might as well because I had a check to cash, I needed cash for tomorrow night and the weather was nice so I might as well enjoy it.
So for the majority of the daylight hours I was on an emotional high. Walking, enjoying the weather and stuff like that. Went to Wal-Mart to get my date for tomorrow some flowers and I picked up some other things that I needed. As I walked back people saw me with the flowers and all I heard was oohs and aahs. I was flattered, in fact for a moment there I got a bit of my swagger back. I heard girls saying "Oh ain't that so sweet" and "I wish my man would do that for me." The girl at the front desk was like "well ain't that sweet" and the guy at the front desk asked me if I was in my girl's dog house. I responded "Nope, this is just a random act of kindess." He was like "that's how you do it." I struck up conversation with a guy on the elevator who was givin me the thumbs up on my actions. "That's how you do it, you catch em when they don't expect it and they'll love it even more." It's funny, I'd love to do that for a girlfriend, just randomly suprise her with some flowers, even if I have to pick them myself, just as a sign of appreciation to the girl. It's too bad I haven't found that girl with.
Seemingly, the lows come when night falls. Truth of the matter when I was in conversation with those people and when I heard peeps talkin I knew and only I knew that the truth of th matter was that I didn't have a girl. And really their response would probably be why not? Why not? Well I'll tell you why not. THere are several "why not?" reasons. First of all I become friends with girls and that's all they'll want to be. They won't want to further things because I'm "just Lu" and I'm too good of a friend. In other cases, girls can't find a good guy if he came up and bit her in the ass. I'm honestly convinced that girls go out and pick the most hopeless duds out there in an attempt to overhaul him, make him over, and change him. Woman, you're talking about a relationship, a guy for a relationship, not a major league ball club. Instead of guys like me, they pick the jerks that they can't change and then they come back to guys like me crying. I'm so sick of it, it really bothers me that I'm almost 20 and still single and never had a relationship. That's why tomorrow night is so big! It seriously holds my destination for when it comes to girls. Things go good, my confidence is back. Even if it's not with her, I can go after other girls with the confidence that I'll be carrying around with me. Granted she'll fall into the category of "just another rejection, just another friend," but if it boosts my self-esteem then good for me, right? However if things go bad not only does she fall into the rejection/friend category, I have nothing else after that. I'm really all out of options. Wow, 19 and all out of options. Will I get my mom grandchildren? Hell will I ever bring that first girlfriend home? Probably not at the rate I'm going.
You know, I'm envious of my friends. All of them have either had experience or are currently in relationships. Theoretically, one day I'll get a girl and I'll be the one people envy. But realistically, who would envy the 19 year old virgin? All my other friends are in relationships. I feel left behind. All I have is a great personality goin for me.

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