*Yawn* Another day, another night, another sleep period alone. I really could use someone to cuddle with. I'll be honest I've been quite sexually frustrated this week for some odd reason that is really inexplicable. Heck I was even to the point where I actually said "I don't care anymore, I just want to get it over with." Which is quite shocking, coming from me, the advocate of actually waiting for sex. Not necessarily for marriage but at least until it's with someone you care about (i.e. girlfriend.) So if you know me, that statement above must be quite shocking. I've said since the day it was an issue with people that I'd prefer to "lose it" to someone I was in a relationship. Since then, well in fact since ever, I haven't been in a relationship. So technically, no chance for me to give it up. I fear that as the years go on that I'll be the last one remaining in my age group of my friends and the 1st girl I do it with I'll disappoint her and she'll dump me on the spot because I wasn't satisfactory. That's one of my fears. Really all I want, and all I ever wanted, was to be loved. It's weird when peeps say "Oh your time will come" or "it will happen" or "just wait..." or my personal favorite "when that girl comes around she'll be at your beckon call." My response: oh really, so where is this random, nearly perfect girl? Sure, I'm supposed to look for her, but from what my peeps seem to be telling me is that one day she'll just fall in my lap, which I must say would be totally awesome!
All these thoughts come only nights before the dance Saturday. I'm still looking forward to it.
Really I see this dance in several different lights. I see this as a date, a dinner/dance date at that, similar to like if I took a girl out for a nice dinner and a night dancing. I also see this date as a showcase of myself. I'm showcasing how good I can actually look when I dress to the occasion instead of wearing jerseys, tees with my fave teams, or when I just throw clothes on not caring about how I look. Saturday night I will also be showcasing my "skills." By that I mean how I can treat a girl properly, the way she should be treated, showing her a good time. Basically showing off to not only my date and my peeps but to others that I actually am "boyfriend material." Like I've said before, I'm not looking to get lucky, I'm not looking for anything in particular. The only thing that is on my mind is having a good time, and ensuring my date enjoys herself. After that, anything that happens is a bonus. In the back of my mind I'm thinking about sex, but what college male on campus isn't. Me, I'm different though because of my past. My past as the best friend. My past as "Just Lu." My past that has involved outside pressures to buckle in to societal norms. My past that has included numerous choke jobs with girls that the Chicago Cubs and old Boston Red Sox teams would envy. I really wanted to put that in the past when I got to SIU, but because I roomed with such a close friend from high school, my past seemingly followed me, whether I liked it or not. So for all you youngsters out there, don't room with close friends if you want a new start at college, use me as an example.
In closing for tonights blog, I'm sick of being single. I'm tired of being alone. I'm sick and tired of being sick and tired. I'm tired of my attempts being shot down. I'm tired of my "love" or my "feelings" going un-returned. I just want things to change. As I've said before, this dance may be the be all, end all for me when it comes to relationships with girls. If not that, then it's the beginning of something big. I'm hoping for the second option.