Wednesday, March 22, 2006

The Joys of Being Single

Yeah, that's one of the more sarcastic blog title's I've used in a long time. That's the fun about being in Carbondale really. Sometimes I think to myself: why do I have these thoughts here? Really, sometimes Carbondale brings the worst out of me. On top of that, I'm tired and sleepy and have a busy rest of the week ahead of me and I feel as if I'm constantly wasting my time. I really could use that extra week of spring break. My proposal to the school is one less week of winter break and one more week of spring break. Really, all I need is 2 weeks at home: Christmas week and New Years Week, the other week we should be able to chill or something. Maybe the school should institute dead week the first week of every new semester to get that first week feeling of laziness out of the way. It could probably lead to a more productive school year to be honest.
It's funny, I really enjoy my time at home, yet I've travelled six hours out of my way to be away from the city and my people. I wonder about myself a lot of times, like what the fuck was I thinking. Though I must say sometimes the experiences aren't completely great, the people I've met here have been worth the trip, really.
But back to the basics and why I'm writing this. But before I must note that I did not have any of these feelings while I was home. Maybe it's being around thousands of people your age all the time that brings the frustrations of being single around. I don't have that problem in the Chi. Hell when I wanna go out and see some eye candy, I hop in the Pimpala and cruise DePaul's campus, it worked quite well last week when I was home. Okay, enough of that back to what's been tugging at my brain for a while now. Yeah that dance, oh that dance, I got my tickets but I still can't help but to think that I'm not taking the right girl. However, I feel that I am taking the right approach by not getting my hopes up for anything, keeping an even kiel approach to the dance, and taking the "just friends" point of view. However, you get to a point in your life where you don't want to be "just friends" anymore, you want more. I talked to my cousin Kristin who said things to the extent: you can either go after it or you could live the rest of your life thinking what could have been. I think the word that actually was used was risk. I'm already thinking "what could have been" with two girls that play prominant roles in my life, especially my past and especially when it comes to relations with other girls. I really don't want to go through that stage anymore. On the other hand, whenever I tell a girl how I feel it's usually not mutual and boom, there goes the friendship. So on one hand since last year's Valentine's Day debacle I've been good about keeping my mouth shut about girls I like and keeping friendships. However it hasn't gotten me anywhere and I've seen several good girls and good opportunities go by the wayside because my passive nature when it comes to them. It's quite similar to the phrase that is often used in sports "playing not to lose rather than playing to win" which basically defines a conservative nature in which you're trying to prevent the other team from winning rather than putting the finishing touches (going for the throat if you will) on your opponent. In dating terms it's a bit of a difficult translation but I'll try. For example there's a girl I was interested in dating, however it was quite clear that she wasn't interested in me in that way. Granted had I said the right things and made the right moves she could have been mine. However I didn't want to take unwanted advances for nothing and risk a perfectly good frienship. So on one hand we're friends, but on the other hand I wish there was more. Really, who doesn't get that feeling in life? I used to think I was being greedy by asking a girl who's my friend to also date me on top of that. However, according to my peeps relationships with friends work. Contrary to what my other people say they can work fine, however the key is (which is the key in all relationships) is that you both have to want it to work. It's all a two-way street. You go into the relationship saying it's gonna fail because we've been such close friends then it's probably gonna fail. That's my "defeatist attitude" theory. If you think the worst can happen, the worst will happen. Other joys of being single include the friend zone, which I touch on in statements between the lines and the "you're like a (insert family member) to me..." but who hasn't gotten that in their life. My cousin/guy Tony says that as long that I'm the good influence on girls, they'll never be attracted to me. I think it makes sense, well it's worked for him cuz really he's not the best influence in the world and he's been in a relationship for four years so obviously he's doing something right.
You know now that I think of it, I'm gonna seriously have sit down conversations with my people who are in relationships and ask them how they got them and how they keep them in tact. Seriously, I'll do it and I'll get back to it.
Well since I'm tired and totally missed the boat on where I was taking all of this I'll try to summarize quickly. Wow I do a lot of jumping off the topic, I feel like a politician. So here's my issue: I don't know if I'm taking the right girl. Granted both girls are great choices, in fact in theory any girl would be a good choice, however I have my doubts. Maybe it's cuz I'm a pessimist, but I have my doubts still. I have a slight interest in each girl, one more than another, but the one I'm going with really was set up by a friend who wants to see me happy. The girl I wanted to take, I probably could have set it up myself, but there go the doubts in my head, the crossing the line doubts. Actually I wouldn't mind crossing the line with either, both are pretty cool gals. In the end I've made a decision (to an extent) and I guess I have to stick with it. In the end it might be a mistake. I just hope not.
Good night from Carbondale where my thoughts are more mixed than a bowl of scrambled eggs.

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