Thursday, March 23, 2006

My Mind On Paper, Or In This Case OnLine

So yeah an interesting day in Carbondale. I went most of the day without internet access which totally sucked. Didn't go to the rec, which totally sucked because yeah can't get into softball shape without getting out. And in the end my thoughts are quite similar to those of last night, though somewhere there is upside.
I talked to my prospective date tonight and there's good news on that front: she's looking forward to it. In my eyes, that's wonderful because really it's less pressure on me to make EVERYTHING go well. Don't get me wrong I still want everything perfect, but the fact that she's looking forward to this it's got me psyched for this dance that not too long ago I wasn't going to go to. And for good reason, I had no date and the dance is still on April Fool's Day. I'm still waiting for that to catch up with me, I'm hoping it doesn't but I'm a realist for the most part (except when it comes to the Cubs cuz every year's our year.)
Roommate's: can't live with 'em and without them you have to pay for a single and that's just too damn much.....yeah sounds like it's out of left field, but if you've read the blog enough you know that for a majority of the time my roommie and I are at odds, especially recently. It's funny because I was back at SIU for an hour when I was already mad at him for not properly cleaning out and defrosting the fridge which was one of his few responsibilities that I left for him to do before spring break. The fridge grew mold with melted popsicle's and yeah it wasn't pretty. It's quite embarassing. Boy oh boy I tell you with this kid if you want anything done you do it yourself or you attatch a female and the hint of a sexual favor and it might get done. Sorry to throw him under the bus like that but really I don't know if I should care anymore. I can't help but to think about that chat we had not too long ago, actually it was the night of his birthday actually it was in the wee-hours of March 8th, the wee-morning hours at that. The statement's still fresh in my head "When you need to put me in my place." *sighs* that's just asking for confrontation. Even when I did want to put him in his place it's not like he takes our conversations seriously. Okay that was a random tangent I'll try to get back on track here.
In principle I should be happy with my arrangements that I currently have. I have a roommate but he's hardly ever here, in fact it's been about a month since he's slept in his own bed which is really quite amazing, yet not shocking if you know him. I really wonder if he was like this with his other girlfriends. Well I have an inkling to that answer and my inkling says yes, but I should/could/might do some research on this, because right now I'm bothered. Once again I'll go back to the conversation me, him and his gf had that one night and we talked about how things are and really now that I'm thinking about it that was really a waste of time, energy, ideas and breathe because really we ended up in the same situation the very next day. Maybe it's just that I don't understand things. Well this is how I see things. He absolutely smothers her. He spends a majority of his time with her. I'd absolutely love to say that he spends every waking moment with her and I bet if he had the chance he would, but there is something called classes that peeps have to go to. And really they say that most of the time they're not spending time with each other however they're spending time in each others presence which in principle is the same difference as we used to say back in the day. So that's my perception of him. My perception of her in this well it's quite simple. She's the friend of the group that became one of the group members girlfriend. She says that she wants to be one of the guys still but that's quite an impossible task when the group is changed when two of the members start dating. Things change and when things change people change whether you like it or not. Things have obviously changed and yet she still wants things to be the same though that's as likely as a Devil Rays championship. And now that things have changed she's been upset quite a few times about it but really if it bothered anyone they'd go out and make attempts to change it. Me, well here's my view on me. Me, I'm an idiot. I put too much stock in people. Whether it's their words, their actions whatever it is I put too much into it. I give everyone the benefit of the doubt whether they're right or wrong. I'm a friend to too many in a sense that I know too much and since I'm able to look at things from multiple points of view people may either A) not agree or B) not be happy with it or C) not understand or possibly D) all of the above. My issues also have to do with my own insecurities which this college setting doesn't do a good job of keeping me away from myself and my insecurities. In fact it heightens my awareness of them and reminds me of them constantly.
So where did this all come from, well here it goes. Tonight was supposed to be movie night/Sopranos night. The movie night idea came before we went to dinner. The plan was to come back from dinner and watch 'Hitch' before 8 o'clock when the Soprano's was supposed to air. Well, let's just say two of these members ditched me. On top of that I think they were trying to pull a fast one on me because really I knew what was going on and I knew that it was going to happen. And after that it's just like "I'm not stupid, there's no reason to lie to me or beat around the bush." Seriously, we're all adults (age wise of course) most of us can handle the truth. If not, oh well fuck it. I sometimes wish I could just go back to the times where I was king of the cheap shots and quit caring about shit. I really wish I could quit caring about girls as much as I do. But really I have no choice being a male college student at a campus that has a party tradition that rivals the Yankee's championship traditions. All I know is that I was ditched, which is an absolute slap to the face. Am I taking it too serious? Yes, because this wasn't supposed to happen again, yet it always happens.
AND ANOTHER other issue with myself is that I'm too selfish. It's obvious that I'm too selfish of a friend. I really wish I had my Chi-town swagger because it's obvious I leave it in the Chi every time I hop on that 6 hour train ride.
SCATTER brain is sooo scattered and on top of that I'm going through a severe case of writers block. Usually my poetry gets me through these times however I can only get snippets on the paper and really they're not making any sense when they're put together. It's really killing me here. I'm overly stressed and my one stregnth I can't even get to it. It's too much right now. As of now I just want to be loved and I want to go back to the city where people are relatively normal and much more mature and in a much better situation than I currently am.
AND ON TOP OF THAT he doesn't even know/understand why I'm upset. Boy oh boy, he's either dense or that whooped. Oh and I had to note that I was to take notes on how to pick up a girl randomly. Let's check my notes on what I learned. A) Get yourself on TV B) Free use of a car, free trip to Panama Beach, new wardrobe, free dinner and a VIP party are all good things to have when looking to attract droves of women, however most if not all are unattainable C) listen to a stylish black guy he can do no wrong D) Confidence is everything but if you have nowhere to derive your confidence from you're screwed.
MY CONCLUSION: In the end I might as well give up on love because it's not like it quit on me, it just never showed up...

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